SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry you had to join our club. That being said this community has a wealth of knowledge about infidelity . Some because they did the right things from the start , some who did all the wrong things from the start and paid the price and some who did the wrong things initially and started doing the right things to get out of infidelity.

First off you know you did nothing wrong to cause your wife to cheat. Second the physical appearance and age of your wife's AP isn't unusual. My wife scraped the bottom of the barrel with her AP and when I asked it was the words he told her and not his appearance. There are guys out there that search out women with poor boundries and try to get in. This affair is still 100 percent her fault for not having good boundaries like all married people should.

The main thing is you need to do what you can to make her fantasy real to her. The best way to do this is file for divorce. Since your wife makes 3 times as much as you she will see her fantasy will cost her a lot of money. She will be paying you alimony for a few years more e than likely, but consulting with a lawyer is the best thing you can do right now. Get her stuff out of the house so she has no reason to come over. Tell her family members and friends what's going on. Don't take responsibility for her affair.

Good luck and keep posting.

If she makes so much more than you then you are not going to owe her alimony. She would owe you likely so consider that before you blow her up at work and she loses her job and can't pay. If you think you can live on your salary and don't care about money from her then by all means go to her company and blow this up. I am sure that this will have severe repercussions for both of them if they work in any sort of large corporation.

She is not at all remorseful so you are not in any position to reconcile at this time. It could change in the future but you need to take charge and get yourself out of the infidelity right now. I would start by contacting a lawyer and knowing my rights, contacting her company and filing for divorce. This kind of shock and awe to her will go a long way towards restoring you as being in charge and not passive here. Then start on a determined course of non-interaction with her. Don't make small talk while she visits the dogs, don't even let her come over to visit the dogs. She is doing all of this to make herself feel better. She can leave there saying "See how adult we are about all of this. It really isn't that bad. MH2 and I can remain friends and I can be with my dream man. I'm not that bad and really we are all better off now any way."

Don't give her that. Just cut all interactions off unless they involve splitting up your finances, selling your house, etc. Think now about your future. What about moving back to where you came from and picking up with your old company? Is that a possibility? I just thinking taking positive, strong steps for YOUR future will make you feel better and it might make her think twice. If it doesn't then at least you've done something good for yourself and best of all you are not in this situation. Do not just sit and wait for her to decide YOUR future. Start to think of YOU and not US.

So sorry you find yourself here MH2.

My exWW and I fell into some of the same patterns. She was the career-oriented one, so we followed her career around from school to school, job to job, town to town. She didn't make significantly more money than I did, but it did tend to emphasize her importance to our financial future while de-emphasizing mine. It didn't bother me at the time, but in retrospect, it did set up an unhealthily one-sided dynamic.

Like yours, my WW also got involved with the older mentor type. Several times, in fact. Not sure how many of those relationships crossed the line...the last one certainly did, and I wouldn't be surprised if some of the previous ones did also.

I made many of the mistakes you did, I can tell you based on experience that passively waiting for her to get her head out of her ass simply does not work. Many other guys here took the same approach, and got absolutely nowhere. In fact, I can't think of a single case in which it has worked...my own included. In the very best of cases all that ever got them was a WW who ended one affair after it had run its course only to start another one knowing that her plan B betrayed husband would still be there. That's the best case if you continue your current path.

What definitely will work is to take strong action. See a lawyer and learn your rights. Expose to her parents, at the very least, and possibly to her place of employment as well, depending on your lawyer's advice. File for divorce. Get exclusive use of the marital home (should be pretty easy, since she basically abandoned it) then change the locks. No more visiting the house or your dogs (again, she left them behind so too bad, so sad). Box/bag up her stuff and put it in the garage, so she can easily and quickly remove it with little/no intrusion into your house and life. Since she makes significantly more than you, you can get temporary orders for spousal support, giving her a taste of what alimony will be like going forward.

Like I said this will definitely work...although it might not save your marriage. She might be shaken from the fog, realize how selfish she's been, realize that the OM doesn't really love her, become truly remorseful for all the hurt she's caused, and work hard to repair the damage within her and the damage to the marriage that her choices created. Then again, she might carry on doing as she is now, with no regard for you. But that's still a victory, since you will have moved out of infidelity. You will have stood up for yourself and your rights. You will have shown her that you are not now and will never be her plan B. You will have regained your dignity. And she will have gained...what exactly? A twice-divorced, beer-bellied old man who is one whispered rumor to HR away from unemployment? Ummm...good for her, I guess?

It may sound strange, but you've got a pretty good hand here, and you need to start playing it.

I honestly believed she got Hoodwinked.

Don't let her off the hook with this excuse. She's as guilty as he is.

You are doing the right thing. I would do like everyone else has stated and start trying to detach.

You can't "nice" her back.

What are you doing for yourself? Are you exercising? Eating enough?

Do you have someone to talk to? this stress is serious and could be deadly. This kind of stress can leave physical implications for years to come.

Do you have a pastor, friend, or family member to confide in? I had all three and they were invaluable.

You need to see a Dr right away. The biggest lie we hear on this site is that sex was never involved. That's a load of crap and they know it.

Get tested for stds. Talk to your Dr about anxiety or depression. If you need help with sleep as well.

I guess what I'm saying is not to walk this road alone.

When I found out about my wife's affair, I told the world and it worked out for my favor. I had so much help and so many friends who had went through this reach out to me.

Take care of yourself and don't touch the alcohol. You don't need that right now.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 9:48 AM, July 21st (Friday)]

I am sorry you are here! I know you feel so bad; like nothing you have ever experienced before. You have been getting really good advice so far. PlanNine spelled out what you need to do perfectly! If I were you, that would be the advice I would follow. If you do everything PlanNine suggests, you will find yourself in a much better position. You may still feel absolutely awful, but you will be better off. I wish you peace and strength as you start down this long road.

Thanks to everyone for the support and advice.

As tough as some of the advice is to read I know it is what I need to do. It is just hard take that step. I just contacted a lawyer and I am wait for them to get back to me. At least I will have a better understanding of the legal part of all of this.

As far has contacting the HR dept of her place of business I don't feel that I could do that yet. I am still dependent on her income to make sure we can make our monthly debt obligations. We both have near perfect credit and I am not willing the ruin that at this time.

My other thought is if we do go though with the divorce can/should I make HR aware of the situation at that time? Or would have too much time had past to take that action?

Keep the advice and support coming......it is helpful!

Exposure to her HR at work. Most companies do not like this shit going down & have policies that could result in the "BOSS" & or your WW ultimately terminated from the company for just cause.

Exposure to family your & hers. Most families don't like this type of behavior although when push comes to shove most in-laws will side with their blood. But it will allow you to put the truth out before you're WW can make you out to be the bad guy.

Set up some lawyer consults and try to find the best ones in your area and see them all which will prevent your WW from utilizing these same lawyers.

File for D so that your WW is faced with the stark reality of what is about to happen. Filing does not mean the end as you can stop the D if you so wish at any time. Filing first gives you the upper hand.

180. Let her text you when she wants to come over to see the dogs and tie them to the front porch or head to your man cave when she arrives. You don't bend over backwards to accommodate someone who has thrusted a sword thru your heart & is fucking some over weight fat dude who happens to be her boss.

Pack all her stuff in plastic containers also known as garbage bags and set them in the garage or front porch and text her to come get them cause in 2 days they are going to the sally ann.

Find something to keep you occupied, the gym, a sport, hanging out with friends anything to help you get thru this shit storm. Look after yourself that is your goal.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:46 AM, July 21st (Friday)]

Document all you have and then wait. Definitely talk to your lawyer about this but if you need the income then as tough as it will be you should just hold it in from her company's HR. If something changes with her and you decide to offer her Reconciliation (R) then you will of course need to insist she leave that job. If instead you end up in Divorce you may need to keep your mouth shut until all of the financial side is agreed to. Once that is all done then I wouldn't hesitate to call HR and send the evidence. Throw a little destruction their way.

The important thing is to do this for you and not for her. Don't keep her secret to protect her, do it if it is in your best interest. Once it no longer benefits you then do whatever you want.

The only thing a WW will respond to is strong actions. You're doing the opposite of that. You can't get her back with your current course of action.

"My other thought is if we do go though with the divorce can/should I make HR aware of the situation at that time? Or would have too much time had past to take that action?"

The person to ask that question to is your attorney. Spousal support is different in different jurisdictions and getting her fired after the fact may not be in your best interests.

However, if you do end up reconciling, then your WW has to get a new job, and exposure to HR may be appropriate then in my opinion. Exposure to family and close friends would be good now though. Introducing reality to her fantasy world is just another consequence of her behavior.

[This message edited by jigga114 at 10:59 AM, July 21st (Friday)]

I gave up my career and followed her and I had to start over again with a pretty big pay cut. I'm fine with all of that and I don't even know if it plays into the situation.

Of course is does. Wives' often lose attraction for men who aren't the primary bread winner or are SAHDs. It's just something that makes it more likely that a woman will cheat. And it's no coincidence that she found an exit affair with someone who makes more than she does.

What should I do?

First, you find your anger. Your wife betrayed you and abandoned you. Use that anger to fuel your resolve to be done with her. She should be dead to you. No need to contact her again. Your attorney can do that for you. Divorce her and move on with your life.

Second, you expose her. Don't let her rewrite your marital history and make you the bad guy. Expose her to your family, her family, and his wife or SO - if he has one. Then, if it were me, I'd expose them to their workplace. If she reports to him they've likely broken company policy. But even if not, I'd do it anyway. But mention it to your attorney first. The threat of work exposure could be used as a bargaining chip in your divorce settlement.

When you do expose her, do it without hyperbole. Whether written or verbal, your approach should be calm and unemotional. Just the facts. No anger or hurt displayed.

A better life awaits you friend. You just can't see it yet.

[This message edited by badmemory at 11:09 AM, July 21st (Friday)]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm new here too so I don't know what support I can give but know that you can't reason with her when she can't resist her feelings for the other person. A WS will treat you so coldly when they have something else lined up to warm their nights.

Since he is her superior, he has opened his company to abuse charges and a lawsuit. Ordinarily they would fire him and keep her to keep from getting sued.

All their HR dept and just ask them about a boss breaking up a family for sex. Otherwise go ahead and divorce since that is pretty much your only other option. The longer you wait on either one just makes everything worse. Your number of me goal is to get out of infidelity.

How do you know he's divorced? This usually turns out to be a lie. He may have a wife and she may live in another town. You're saying you have no idea where she lives? Check your state laws to see if you can file under adultery.

How do you know he's divorced?

I'm a pretty good internet detective. I have looked up all kinds of records. He lived in another state. His last divorce was in 2014 after 12 years together. I even noticed that is ex works for the same company he used to work for. Seems like this a pattern for him. Other than his ex is a couple years older than him. But yes I have figured out all of his family history.

The funny thing is my wife knows how good I am at finding information.

Still waiting for the call back from the lawyer.

I have read about the 180. Does anyone have an example how they put it in place? Just looking for someone to talk me through it.

I just contacted a lawyer and I am wait for them to get back to me. At least I will have a better understanding of the legal part of all of this.

My friend....I can already tell you are be one of the rare BS around here that "gets it". And I expect you'll be pulling yourself out of this infidelity hell swiftly (outcome TBD). Contacting a lawyer within 2 hours of your 1st post? Good for you man !! Keep being proactive & decisive !!

If you browse around these threads you'll see a pattern of passive BS behavior that gets them absolutely nowhere. You are already on the right track. Keep it up.

Still waiting for the call back from the lawyer.

Nothing unusual about that. Depending on their case load and/or if they happen to be in court that day, it could take some time.

So in the meantime, try calling other divorce attorney's in your area. Many offer free initial consults (usually a half hour or so). I haven't researched this, but something I've read frequently is that even if you choose not to hire a particular lawyer, having at least an initial consultation with one will prevent that lawyer from subsequently working with your WW due to conflict of interest guidelines. I'm not sure how true that is, but even if it's false, it's still a good idea to shop around and find the lawyer that's right for you.

I was lucky in that I clicked with the first lawyer I spoke to right off the bat, and he did an excellent job for me. He was a bit pricier than the local average, but it was worth it.

The 180 is your last best hope for saving your marriage, but please understand....the 180 is not about saving your marriage. It is about getting out of infidelity and hopefully regaining some control over your emotions and your life. Whether that means you will be out of infidelity and still married to your wife, or out of infidelity and divorced and living a new, better life is unknown at this point.

I hope our fellow poster Bigger sees this and re-posts his rather lengthy post to another user about getting out of infidelity. It was inspiring and exactly summarizes what this site is all about.

Your wife is in an affair. She is re-writing your marital history to justify her affair (e.g., Only bad people cheat, I'm not a bad person so I must have been unhappy for years and just didn't know it until this amazing person saved me from my unhappiness.) You can't convince someone in an affair that what they are feeling isn't real, it just doesn't work and makes you look controlling and what is worse, it makes you look weak and needy.

When you have a spouse that has convinced him or herself that she wasn't happy and happiness lies elsewhere, the best thing you can do is tell them you wish them well in their search for happiness, and now you will be going out to find yours. In other words, let them go. She may move on to a relationship with this new guy. That may either work out, or she might discover that she fell for a sleazeball who has cheated on both of his previous wives and is cheating on her. Or she might find out he really is the love of her life. None of that is in your control.

The only thing right now in your control is either remaining in infidelity or getting out of infidelity. Trust me, it is better to be out of infidelity. Being some one's Plan B is never a good thing, and in my humble opinion never worth the heartache it brings, even if ultimately she chooses you. What exactly have you won in that contest? A spouse you KNOW can cheat on you?

Get out of infidelity. Make it clear you are moving on with her life. Wish her well, but make it clear that you won't share your wife so therefore she can't be your wife any more. Then cut off all contact except to discuss the terms of your separation/divorce.

You might find that when she is forced to confront the reality of her situation without you in the background as her safety net, she may come crawling back. You might also find that when/if that day comes, you no longer want her.

What you have described, a boss offering to help her career and then getting sex is the classic example of sexual harassment even if she goes along with it. You literally have him by the balls if you want to end his job and maybe his career. I know I would clean his clock.