SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MH2 , we are in reconciliation. My wife was remorseful right at dday. When I found out and I confronted her , I immediately told her to GTFO and she begged me to give her another chance. There was still alot of TT involved . My wife didnt want to tell me how bad the betrayal was , so I spent the next 3 days digging until I found out as much as I can. I can say that I made a ton of mistakes along the way, but with alot of councilling we are heading in the right direction and have been for some time.

Two things helped me . One was exposing the affair to his wife and the other was I had to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. It doesnt mean my marriage would be saved, just that it was a dumpster fire that was burnt to shit and I no longer was willing to do the "pick me " dance. I told her the things I required to stay in the marriage and that I was no longer willing to settle for the crumbs . Looking back I would have been willing to let it fall to the ground rather than settle for crumbs. Too many times I see people afraid to rock the boat and willing to put up with such a big shit sandwhich to try and save a dead marriage , when the reality is they are sleeping with a corpse that used to be their marriage. We both had to realize the previous marriage was dead and we had to make a new one.

Your situation is different as your wife wasnt immediately remorseful and she already left .As of right now you have nothing much to work with. Thats why filing to me is probably a good option. Maybe it snaps her out of it, maybe it wont ,but either way you will be in a better position than if you do nothing . Women hate it when men are weak. You can see all the threads that people chose to do nothing or maybe trying to woo them back. It doesnt work.

1survivor,

Thanks for sharing your story. When D-day happened I fully expected to go similar to your story. However, her first question was why are you reading my email? As D-Day progressed I really thought things were looking good for R. However as we talked more that night she just kept talking about that special connection she had with him and how she had never had that will someone else including me. Ouch that hurt! She said she had to keep working with at work and it would be hard to lose the feelings for him.....she couldn't just turn them off and go away.

I know there is little chance to save the marriage by the way she is acting now. I miss her so much, but I deserve better!

I even took off my wedding ring today because every time I touch it or look at it, it reminds me of her.

Yes you do deserve better. The "connection " thing is part of the myth of the fantasy. Its like a drug. My wife "reconnected " to an old classmate on FB. Apparently he started off just friendly and then started throwing compliments her way and then the sexual flirting . She started lapping it up. At first I was pissed at the OM for doing that , but eventually realized that it was HER that was supposed to uphold the marital boundaries.

Just remember that none of this is your fault , none. You were i the same marriage as your wife and you didnt cheat. It is 100 percent on her. She has no idea of the consequences coming her way. She will most likely have to pay you alimony for a while. Iam sure she thinks since you guys dont have any kids she can just move on with her life unscathed. That wont happen.

Iam sure she thinks since you guys dont have any kids she can just move on with her life unscathed. That wont happen.

I am pretty sure that is what she thinks too. She did make the comment last weekend that I make my own money. While I do make a livable wage it isn't even close.

She seems to forget in the early day when I took care of her. She had a lot of debt a past BF ran up on her credit card. She moved in with me I covered everything on my salary and allowed her to use all of her cash to get rid of the debt as fast as possible so we could start our life together.

Seems she has already forgotten how great we used to be together and how we were always there for each other.

The "connection " thing is part of the myth of the fantasy. Its like a drug.

I have read a lot about limerence over the past week or so. It really seems to fit. I want her to see things for what the really are and stop living this fantasy. There is just no getting through to her.

But I know, I know the 180.......It will make me a better person regardless if she comes back or not. I will be the one with the power.

Once again.....meeting another Lawyer on Monday afternoon.

Yes the main thing is to get out of infidelity . Infidelity just sucks the life out of you . Good deal on the lawyer. It will give you alot of clarity .

Just got back from a little drive. For whatever reason I thought I would go check out their after work meet up place. Such an odd location...it is next to a rock quarry on some back country road.

I knew where it was but actually being there in person are two different things. Just thinking about it filled my head with anger and rage.....I'm just about ready to go scorched earth on this whole damn thing.

I deserved non of this....I was a faithful husband always there for her!

This is how she repays me!?! F it all!

You did not do anything to cause this. She made the decision to lie and cheat

Start working with a good attorney. You need to protect yourself and your finances.

Update: Working on the 180......I just blew up the affair to my WW family. Don't know if is going to work....but gotta try to get my WW out of the la la land. The was things were going it was going to end in D anyways.

She told me she had told her mom....however that isn't the case. She hasn't told anyone but one friend.

Currently she flew to the west coast with the OM. Gotta blow this A up!

Still meeting with the Lawyer on Monday and will get my ducks in a row.

180! No more waiting around while the OM is with my WW!

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 6:41 PM, July 22nd (Saturday)]

wow, just wow. She cheats on you, laves the house and when she comes home 'makes you leave' ??? Why would you leave ? You didn't break this.

You talk about 'waiting it out' ??

You seem to be codependent and you need to find your strength and self esteem. You are allowing yourself to be Plan B

She wants a divorce, you have no kids, divorce her ass and get alimony. Expose to the OM's wife but at the minimum, find your backbone

Western,

Read the my post above yours.

MH2. It appears you just woke up. Good for you.

Congratulations on taking the first steps out of infidelity.

Well done. Keep it up.

Leave you moved 1/2 the money from your joint account to one in your name at another bank?

Hey brother, i can tell you this, you sound like me 3 yrs ago. What i can tell you is that you will be ok - lumerence/affair fog is real, think sbout how you feel at this very moment and you will understand - thats the betrayed fog, so snap out of it - i know what your going thru and once they are in the fog, there is no talking with them, the chemicals are flooding their brains, so becareful what you say and write down and never email her with your thoughts - right now you need to take care of yourself, these events dont last long for the most part and you want to be in the best position to make sound decisions - healing takes time, there are counselors, books, forums, articles etc to help you - i found much healing from my church, bible reading and if you believe in God, you can read about whats really going on - jezebel spirit - i will pray for you, be strong and renember you did nothing to warrant this treatment - you deserve better - my ex actually in that 10% that marry the OM, so i know what dealing with a sociopath/narcissistic person involves - run, dont walk if this is what your seeing as they are very agressive -

[This message edited by Hav1byte at 11:19 PM, July 22nd (Saturday)]

lumerence/affair fog is real

It's like she turn into Gollum from Lord of the Rings. She is clutching on very hard to her "precious". Making choices and decisions that don't make any sense and aren't logical. Right now she is an addict with all of these brain chemicals flooding in.

I'm pretty sure right now she doesn't even realize there are going to be real consequences for these behaviors; both personally and professionally.

I understand that more than likely she isn't going to be part of my life and I am now accepting that; and protecting myself. However I still and will always care about her; and I am concerned for her as a person. She has truly lost her way in life.

You are right , she won't even see the consequences coming. When you file they will determine who lives where , who pays what, etc. That is where it will become real for her. I would not cut her any slack if I were you. Make sure to get a pit bull for a lawyer. Check to see if adultery plays any part of divorce in your state. In some states the AP can be sued for alienation of affection . You are entitled to half of whatever is in the checking account as well.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 7:23 AM, July 23rd (Sunday)]

You should take half the money out of any joint accounts.

Also

You should call any credit card companies and cancel any joint accts there too. If you can afford a PI have him get pictures of them and send them to his boss AND HR and explain you have hired an attorney to look into the sexual harassment he has subjected your wife too.

Get your touch with his ex and find out if he hasn't done this before.

Blowing up his world almost always results in throwing his side piece under the bus. A man that takes a married woman as his mistress is a low born dog and should be treated as such.

Try communicating with your wife by text only.

Getting proof of her affair with Short,Fat and Bald can only help you.

When communicating with her always refer to him as Short,Fat and Bald instead of his name. Show him the disrespect he deserves.

Never ever let her know how you get any information about them again. Protect all sources.

MH2

Your wife is in the affair fog. Hard to fight for your M when the CS is so willing to walk away. For the record my CH asked for a D a number of times during his last A - he never left me (not that it makes a difference in most cases) but he was not interested in saving the M.

Until DDay2 when it ended and I found out. Yes he ended it on his own but that is a technicality.

So your W is in the affair fog - Google it. Understand it.

And BTW this guy she is in love with is a pig and a serial cheater. I have seen his type before. Smooth operator and is always looking for the thrill of the chase - the new relationship - the next hot thing.

How is your wife falling for this? In my experience any guy that would come on to me knowing I was married - well they would not get very far as I would have already lost all respect for him. She is blinded by I don't know what. I have seen this type and I call them predators b/c they have no morals or respect. They will certainly destroy a M or people's lives for their own selfish needs.

My H & I have reconciled and we were able to get past the A. In DDay2 he completely admitted the A (not all the details but that is another topic) and became completely transparent.

He has proven he is trustworthy and not cheating. But he had to come to the realization he wanted the M. Everything I did for 6 months was a waste of time and as long as the OM or AP is in the picture then you have less of a chance to start the R process.

Too bad your wife cannot see it.

But her turn will come - when he drops her for his next conquest. For some people they live by the rule of they always want what they can't have. And that is this guy - mark my words.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:50 PM, July 23rd (Sunday)]

180! No more waiting around while the OM is with my WW!

Good. That is best for your healing and getting out of infidelity. You seriously need to go NC with her. If she wants to see the dogs, tell her to take them somewhere just like she would have to if it were children. She wants to share dog custody, she takes them to her place. Period. You have to stop letting her come over and screw with your emotions which is exactly what is happening.

I bet you were the nurturing one for most of your relationship. The one who seemed to love the most. The do anything for her guy. Her belief is that you love her so much that she can go have this fling (which she likely knows is not going anywhere in reality) and she can come back to you when she's done. Dispel her of that idea. You will hate yourself if you allow it.

As for exposing to HR: If he is higher up, he is the one who is likely to lose the job. They often won't fire the one who was "sexually harassed" because of the potential of lawsuit. My daughter works for an IT company. The guy over one of the departments was screwing one of the women who managed a department. He was fired and she was demoted from manager (with no salary cut). But that is up to you.

The one thing that is critically important is you standing up for yourself and not taking this shit from her. Whether she pulls her head out of her ass or not, you do not want to lose your self-respect. And you will lose it the more you allow her to use her as your backup plan. The sooner you stop letting her run back and forth in and out of your life, the sooner your healing starts.

Let her go. If she comes back, make her do the work. If she doesn't, it will hurt but you will heal. There is a woman out there in your future who won't take advantage of your love and trust the way she has.

P.S. In the event you eventually do start dating, be prepared for your wife to lose her mind. She really does think you'll just sit there and wait for her while she does whatever the hell she wants. She can't even fathom the possibility that you'll move on.

so when does she come back ? and what is the purpose of their trip out west ?

so when does she come back ? and what is the purpose of their trip out west?

Should be coming back today or tomorrow....don't know for sure.

She is really pissed I called her family. Unfriended me on Facebook. Says it is over because of that move by me. Still deflecting all of this on me. Says by calling her family I am trying to control her.

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 7:19 PM, July 23rd (Sunday)]