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Don't sweat her reaction. That's perfectly normal. One of the best, if not the best, experts at ending affairs is Dr. Harley. If you read his stuff you'll see that you're doing exactly the right thing to expose EVERYWHERE necessary, like family, friends, and their work. It's not out of spite, it's to end this affair and save your marriage. You're doing the right things.

lmao.....so she says its over now because you exposed her huh?

Didn't she already tell you it was over a few days ago anyway?

Cheaters and their stupid illogic!!!

Ignore her crap.....tell her you are filing for D.....and if she wants to continue the nastiness and threats you will not hesitate to inform HR at her job about the A.....

How much will POSOM be able to help jump start her career if he gets shitcanned for screwing a M subordinate?

The threat of HR exposure alone should get her to be reasonable going forward.....she may be angry right now, but is undoubtedly still aware of how damaging such an exposure would be to them both.

And......OM will likely react by running from her as fast as he can......he definitely has to know that a boss/subordinate A will be the end of his career at this company.

Seeing POSOM scurry away like the cockroach he is, instead of the White Knight she is currently viewing him as, MIGHT wake her up enough to get her head out of her ass and beg you for a chance at R.....

If YOU want it.

Text her and ask her where short fat and bald is going to work when their company finds out about his sexual harassment? Tell her she needs a good story about how he threatened her job if she didn't have sex with him if she wants to save her job. Also tell her you want no sloppy seconds from any of short fat and bald's mistresses.

PLEASE, 180. 180 180. Work on you. Dont think its a magic tool to get her running back, fix YOU. My friend, you know, deep down inside, that kid in high school, that you deserve someone qho doesnt cheat on you. Remember qhat you thought back then?

What changed? Why is she exempt?

ETA. DON'T text her. Don't answer her calls. Let her show why she is worthy of you even talking to her.

Strength

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:26 PM, July 23rd (Sunday)]

Text her and ask her where short fat and bald is going to work when their company finds out about his sexual harassment?

Do not do any of this. Never give a WS a window into your plans. It gives them a chance to prepare a story and provide a warning to the OP to allow them to also prepare a story. By the time they are done, the people you planned to tell will think you are the mentally unstable future ex who is spinning lies to cause trouble because you've been spurned. When you spontaneously expose them without warning, they don't have time to think and are usually their own undoing with stupidity. Giving a WS a window into your future plans is usually disastrous. In addition, threatening to tell work could be considered blackmail. Just telling them isn't.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 10:26 PM, July 23rd (Sunday)]

bump

She came over after work and we talked for about an hour and a half. Looks like we are moving closer to D. Her stories still don't add up about everything that's going on. I am just about done with all of it.

If you can't get her to level with you then you should 180 on her. Work on yourself for a while. She is clearly sleeping with him. It would be great if you could get more evidence which could benefit you financially in a settlement.

So what did lawyer say. Have you moved 1/2 your money?

What were her stories.

Hi Missing-

I'm really sorry you're here.

Your story has some parallels with mine and If it's ok, I"d like to share them.

The advice you're getting is the same advice I got. And I wasn't really ready to hear it. These are high stakes you are playing with and you have a lot to lose. And a lot to gain. It was different advice than what I got from my MC and IC, both of whom I respect very much.

I found out about my XW's first affair - same thing- co-worker gone amok- at the end of 2015. I thought we were trying to work it out. Then I found out there was another guy. She moved out in Feb. of 2016. She hadn't said she wanted a D. She continued to lie to me about things, and she still came to MC every now and again. And I wanted so badly to save my marriage. I wanted my wife back. And with my MC and IC, I had a plan- it wasn't the same as one would read on here, and I caught a lot of 2x4's for it- Told several times to grow a pair, etc. I was really operating out of fear that I would lose my wife.

But the fact is, she was already gone. She just didn't know how to say it. In March, she went on a week long trip to Las Vegas with her AP2. It was during that trip that I realized that the person I married was gone. (if she ever REALLY existed.) And I didn't think she was coming back. We obviously had different values and different morals and I knew I didn't want to be with the person she had become. - At that point, I started telling MC that I wasn't sure I wanted to stay together (most of my appts. with him were without her- she wouldn't show up.)- He said I could leave any time. I could file any day I wanted to. But if I wanted to save my marriage, I needed to wait. I decided I would give it a shot if she wanted to- there's some faith issues that play into it- but I waited for her to call it.

Time of death: End of May.

Divorce final- Sept. 2, 2016.

Over the past year, I've played out what happened so many times and I've 2nd guessed myself and wished I done things differently. But my goal was to do everything I could do to save my marriage. And I did. To the best of my ability. Thing is, she wanted out. And really, the last few months, I didn't really want to be married to that crazy woman who had been abducted by aliens.

When we are right IN it- in the grip or the insanity of being a BS- a lot of us can't see much past our own fear and pain. And that's why so many people on here are telling you what to do. Because we've been there.

So what would I have done differently?

- I guess I wish I hadn't acted so much in fear. (The advice to "grow a pair" would seem to apply.) I would be ok if she didn't come back. I AM ok. And every month I get better. There are still days when I obsess about what went wrong and what a lying cheating scumbag she is and let myself roll around in resentment for awhile. (but not too long- I find it's unproductive.) I wish I could have just said to her, "look, if you want out, then just go." Once I decided I didn't want to be married to her anymore, there was a freedom that started to weave in with the fear, and eventually, become more of the day to day operating.

Maybe your situation is different. But it seems like your WW wants out. Maybe play around in your head what your new life would look like without her.

And I agree with whoever said the thing about the dogs. She can take them someplace. Your home is your safe place.

And I guess I would ask you to look at your motivation for telling her family- Many people on here say to blow up the A- tell the world. - If she wants out, then what you're doing is controlling. You are trying to manipulate the situation to her coming back to you. But do you REALLY want her back? Look at who she has become. Do you think the person you knew is still in there? Maybe. Or maybe this is who she really is. I dont' know.

Man, you are in such a horrible spot. I know it. High stakes to everything. You're not alone. And we will walk with you through this however you move forward.

Onward

Thanks Minnesota,

Sounds like our tales are similar, minus the second guy.

So what did lawyer say. Have you moved 1/2 your money?

What were her stories.

Lawyer said I already have enough evidence. Haven't moved half the money because quite frankly it isn't a large amount (in my opinion) and she has been very cooperative as far as money goes. In fact we have spent a whole lot less money than we normally would.

Her stories have way too many coincidences to even add up. She sells them very well. After she leaves I really have to go back and think about everything she said and 1+1 doesn't = 2 anymore.

She keeps spinning everything around on me still. Things I didn't or did do in the past. Things I have said in the past (that were jokes and she knew they were jokes) She keeps saying that I'll always will be watching her every move. That she has been unhappy for 4 to 5 years. I really am not buying any of it. I think the reason she doesn't really want to try and work it out is because she is still seeing the OM.

Everyone here is right why do I want to be with someone that treats me like this. I guess because I remember all of the good times we had and the awesome team we used to make. But it looks like all the good times are now in the past.

I have put the wheels in motion for my exit strategy. If everything works out with this strategy I'll be set up for my life going forward. In some ways it will be like hitting the reset button. But it will be a fresh start.

so what is your gameplan from here ?

so what is your gameplan from here ?

Talk in person one more time tomorrow. See where things are (even though I already pretty much know). Go file if that is where it is heading. Hope my exit strategy all works out. (new job, new state, near family) On the small outside chance she was to try and work it out; I think I would still take the new job and tell her I am going with or without you. Come join me if you want. I have to look out for me now.

Yes good move. Follow through with the move. Don't fall for her asking for more time or saying she's just not sure.

If she values your love like she should, she'll move anywhere for it. That will be a good test.

I really do think this might have a little bit to do with the alpha/beta side of things. And seeing him kinda dominate you with the boat was probably more of turning point then you realize. Not trying to insult you but just something to think about. How are you bettering yourself right now? Are you pumping iron everyday and eating well everyday? You should be. The rewriting of the marriage history is textbook bullshit. You shouldn't be entertaining it or defending yourself. You shouldn't even be talking about it at all. Actually, you shouldn't even be talking to her at all. This next talk is a version of the pick me dance. You should have been no contact for awhile now. Cancel this talk and serve her divorces papers asap. You need to show strength. I wouldn't tell hr. I would go afte Cher money. After you supported her, gave up your career and she cheated and abandoned you... yeh I'd go after a pretty penny. You need to go scorched earth today. Youve mentioned a few times about being afraid of harsh moves ruining your chances for R. The moves of strength... the actions that say "not only do I not need you... I dont even want even anymore. I'm better than him and I cAn do better than you." That is actually HOW you get your wife back. I would shock and awe right now and only consider taking her back if she moves heaven and earth.

On the small outside chance she was to try and work it out; I think I would still take the new job and tell her I am going with or without you. Come join me if you want. I have to look out for me now.

I like where your head is at brother...keep it up !!

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:29 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

^^^^^

It's a very good listen, although a bit hard to get past the guy's voice and use of lame names. Also, while it's two hours or so, the first 30-45 minutes are the key and the Q&A doesn't really add much value.

I actually sent it to my WW to listen to, as it shows how patterned most affairs are. Just to let her know that there is nothing really special about her relationship with OM and that it would likely fail the test of time.

[This message edited by NotYetConvinced at 8:29 AM, July 27th (Thursday)]

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:31 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

Miss'g I don't view you, based on your posts, that you are beta.

Your WW seeking of power at work is a weakness. The whole thing is still on her. It's like they get addicted to the affair drug and they zombie out.

I applaud your moves in this (no joy that you are in this, it sucks bigtime).

The only move that I got right was, after catching her red handed (yeah, try to remove that mind-movie); was telling her I'm done...period.

I may even had told her to go to him, be with him. This is the move that knocked her off the fence.

It took a lot of hard work to make the M work. I think you are handling this faster than I did.

The longer you are in infidelity, the harder it is to heal. I am not talking the M, I am talking about you.

I had a lot of anger at myself because I felt I did not move fast enough out of infidelity. My gut told me something was wrong, but my mind overruled, and cause pain.

I will tell you the pain is accumulative, the longer you stay in this the more pain you will have to dispose of.

So again, move forward for yourself. If your W gets it maybe she will come back, if she doesn't...well then she doesn't.

I feel more than likely after she "sobers" up, she will have that WTF moment. She may realize she gave up her M for a fat pig.

That's for her and IC to figure out, not you.

I don't try to sell R or D to you, your life, your decision, but get out of the A is better than living in pain.