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I guess you are one of those guys that intends to wait it out until she makes a decision. I've seen it happen. Maybe, eventually, she will realize that buff is not a kisa. Until then, she will keep you gaffed like a fish. Then if she does decide to move back in, she will lay out her conditions, which will probably be no discussing her A. If you are ok with that now, you probably won't be later. Until then, they will be screwing like Chiba monkeys.

On the other hand, if she decides to pull the plug, you will feel like you've been hit by a truck.

Neither option is good, but if you feel that this is the way forward no one here is going to talk you out of it. I will say however that pretending you don't know that she is living with buff is a soul draining error. At the very least you can let her know you are not a fool. Who knows, you might actually get an iota of respect from her. You are sure not getting any now.

STOP making excuses for her. You sound so weak and pathetic. She is fucking someone else right now and she is making a "mistake"? How about you tell her she CAN'T come back? You couldn't be anymore passive right now and that is not working for you. It's time to get angry. Sorry to be so direct, but stop with the waiting game. It's time to take control of the situation instead of it controlling you.

Bad choice or mistake( which they were not) is still a huge minimization.

Try thousands of bad choices/ mistakes to get where she is. Hundreds of times crossing boundaries.Thousands of times saying things she shouldn't, accepting the attentions and advances of the OM,meeting up,kissing, cuddling, fondling, getting naked, foreplay, and PIV. There are thousands of bad choices there, and no it wasn't a mistake for her, she did it intentionally and kept doing it intentionally. A mistake is dialing the wrong number on the phone. If you can live with the knowledge that she did all that intentionally, and you can not be resentful about it then maybe you can R, but I'm not sure any body could do that and not suffer tremendously for it.

The reason she is playing with your emotions is to figure out how to keep her retirement money and what ever money she is making now.

If she bedding another man how is it she still has any love for you. I doubt she even has any pity for you. When she looks at you knowing you know she is Posom's piece and you still act like you love her, she can't help but be repulsed by the weakness she sees.

I think she thinks if she plays you long enough you will miss the opportunity to fight for anything n the divorce. I hope your lawyer is on top of things. Since she makes more than you, have you figured out how large a chunk of change you will be getting?

MH2 , it was not A mistake or A bad choice,but a string of them. A long string. My wife supposedly wasn't "looking" for an affair either, but not having any respect for me or our marriage vows the result was the same. That's what having poor boundaries do. If I went 70 miles an hour in a 35 mile an hour zone , I wasn't looking for a ticket, but I didn't respect the law or innocent people enough to go the speed limit. Did I think I would get caught? Hell no, but there I am.

I have to agree with Chappie in that your wife realizes she will come out on the losing end of this and probably plays into her mindset. I think she is playing you like a fool because she has zero respect for you. Don't minimize what she did. She is selfish and made selfish choices.

I have to agree with Chappie in that your wife realizes she will come out on the losing end of this and probably plays into her mindset.

Well that might be. She got my counter suit this morning and boy is she pissed. She is pissed I am asking alimony. Won't come over tonight now. She will come out a loser if it ends in D. I'm sure of that.

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 12:57 PM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

I can't live in limbo forever.

This marriage isn't in Limbo at all... your cheating wife is divorcing you while she (I think) is living with her lover. That's not limbo at all...it's divorce. The only part that makes it confusing is you being "nice"...going out for dinners...and working on her car. This "limbo" you are in is, I think, exclusive to only you and it's certainly self-imposed. Only you can unstick yourself from this limbo...because only you are in it.

She is pissed I am asking alimony. Won't come over tonight now.

...aaaannnd watch how fast all the pleasantries from her come to a screeching halt. ...She must have been expecting you'd roll over & play dead.

[This message edited by Sybo at 11:56 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

Won't come over tonight now.

If you'd change that to:

"Is not allowed to come over tonight or any night again until she has ended the A and then only if I decide that I want to see her."

You would be getting to a spot where you can come out of infidelity okay. Nobody comes out good.

Missing,

Read again what M1965 & Bigger stated above. I feel, based on what you have written, you are still in a fog of your own. You are partly suffering from “Hopium Addiction”. Your heart still is clouding your judgment, and after your fog clears you are going to have to deal with a great deal of anger. Oddly only a small part of the anger will be what your wife has done to you, but the greater part is when you will realize what you did to yourself by how you waited for things to happen, instead of actively working getting the A to stop, and moving out of infidelity.

When she comes over and acts like nothing is going on, that is an illusion. She is feeding you crumbs; you need to stop taking them. What she is doing is abusive; she knows damn well what she is doing.

You’re holding on to the small sliver that you can R. If you had wanted that you would have gone to HR right before she even “tried to call it off” with her friend/co-worker. Yes this guy is a shark, yes he knows precisely what strings to pull, but she is the one that took the bait and ran with it.

Sadly that opportunity is most likely vanished, that chapter has closed; I really am sorry for your loss. The longer an affair goes on, the worse the fog/addiction takes possession. This meeting you are having today, start now to write down your questions. You don’t want to get caught up when she rebuffs/sidelines your questions and you forget to cover all the information that you need to know.

You need to see what she has become. The wife you thought you knew (PRE-Affair) is probably not there. What is there, is someone you don’t actually know. Sure she looks and acts the same, but she has been replaced by the WW. Do not trust what she says. She is actively and openly cheating on you. Recognize it for what it is.

The stone-face you saw when you start asking questions that indicates you aren’t buying into her fantasy; that is the real her.

The one that actually knows she is hurting you. A person cannot have an A and not know they are hurting the BS - Not unless they are amoral or sociopathic. So she creates an illusion to herself, at first that is her actions happened because of you. Now she has moved past that to the fantasy world that you are somehow OK with her “I am not living with OM” affair.

This PICK-ME dance you are doing will cause her to lose complete respect for you. This wait-and-see game you’re playing will cause huge damage to you. Once you realize and accept this, (which from what I see, isn’t 100% by the way you are responding here), will require a huge amount of time to heal from. Months from now, you are going to hate yourself for allowing the pick-me dance to go on as long as it did.

Missing, value yourself, ask the questions M1965 requested. Watch her reaction, note all the responses “I don’t know”, “I need more time to get my head straight”, “I know, I just feel so bad for what is happening”, or “I need space/time to find out where I need to be in my life right now”.

Her deflective answers will indicate how much she values you and your marriage. Once you see her response or the lack thereof, you need to get on-board with Team MH2, pull the plug on this charade.

BTW get proof that she is living with him. After the D, go to HR and blowup their world. After all she didn’t make a mistake and neither did he, this was a conscious act. Why should they be allowed to get away with it.

Well that might be. She got my counter suit this morning and boy is pissed. She is pissed I am asking alimony. Won't come over tonight now. She will come out a loser if it ends in D. I'm sure of that.

Well now you know why she was being nice to you.

benthereinco:

If you'd change that to:

"Is not allowed to come over tonight or any night again until she has ended the A and then only if I decide that I want to see her."

You would be getting to a spot where you can come out of infidelity okay.

Yeah, this.

You have to change your attitude and perspective on the whole thing. You need to change your mindset so that it YOU in charge, not her.

You only mention alimony. What about her retirement money. 401 k and anything else like stock etc. You are owed half of anything she has accumulated since you were married. Assets are 50/50.

Combine yours and hers, splits down the middle. Money, property etc before marriage is not considered.

Chappie of course the rest of that stuff too. Alimony on top of all of that.

You are owed half of anything she has accumulated since you were married. Assets are 50/50.

This^^^

As others have pointed out, she was only being nice, or stringing you along to protect her ASSets. Don't back down on your counter suit.

As others have pointed out, she was only being nice, or stringing you along to protect her ASSets. Don't back down on your counter suit.

Won't be backing down at all. I'll still be nice to her and let my attorney do the talking on the legal matters.

Hopefully her attorney will let her know that my counter suit was pretty standard with all of the facts of the case. If roles were reversed she would be asking for the same thing.

I almost have to laugh at anything she gets upset about now. I had nothing to do with any of this. None of this is my fault. She caused all of this.....she cheated.....she had the A.....she filed for D. I have nothing to do with any of this other than maybe i married the wrong woman.....although she always seemed like a great choice until she chose to have an A.

I almost have to laugh at anything she gets upset about now. I had nothing to do with any of this. None of this is my fault. She caused all of this.....she cheated.....she had the A.....she filed for D. I have nothing to do with any of this other than maybe i married the wrong woman.....although she always seemed like a great choice until she chose to have an A.

Boom. Fuckin a right

Keep letting yourself see these glimpses of reality.

i hear you live her loud and clear via your posts and actions. i dont hear it from her actions.

shes too ashamed to be with you becaise she had an affai and yet she is still continuing in the affair. so shes too ashamed to be with you who did nothing wrong but not too ashamed to continue an affair with this guy. do you notice the cognitive dissonance and justifying?

my ww had alot of affairs. read below my post. my ww dropped the bullshit and had remorse. yours has no remorse and is contuing the bullshit.

she not giving you anything to R with. im not tryin to be cruel. i am trying to get you to consider that maybe the nice hours spent together were to keep you on a line so she could get sn easy cheap d by basically buttering you up.

i suspect you are goin to hit the anger phase soon and you will then be seething over how she acted. its coming.

Just checking on you today. Let us know how you're doing.

If roles were reversed she would be asking for the same thing.

You better believe it!

MH, you seem to be handling this all very level headed, despite the pain of it all. Keep it up. You made sacrifices to ensure that she thrived in her career, so it's only fair that you exit the marriage (that she chose to end) with compensation for your sacrifices.

Your old lady seemed ok just a few days ago...hell for 6 hours all was.

I'm guessing you need to customize her car again?

After all it's all business from her on out so wby is she taking it personal?

If any one should be pissed it is you...after all you had no choice but to respond to her suit?

Just don't under stand why she is pissed....it's just business...why on a personal level she still can be friends?

She makes more...she pays you...why not do dinner at let the lawyers deal with it.

I mean she screws a guy and seemed to not make it personal....so what's the difference?

Maybe I'm wrong.

Hell the last few posts... I figured you where going to have an affair with you exwife!

That's my $0.02