SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TheGuy123,

If any one should be pissed it is you...after all you had no choice but to respond to her suit?

You are absolutely right. I had to respond and of course my lawyer is going to put everything he can in it looking out for my best interest. That is why I am paying him after all.

I thought she was past the anger stage at this point. Not that she had anything to be angry about. She is the one that had the A not me. Once again she has tried to blame me for everything saying she had the A because she has been unhappy for a long time (like 5 years). I refuse to believe any of it.

I told her I wasn't apart of any of this. This is all on her. She got upset saying that I should share the blame for what was wrong with the M. Hell I didn't know anything was wrong and according to her she didn't know anything was wrong until she met the OM.

Looks like my saga may be nearing the beginning of the end. She is either so deep in the fog with her OM with no end in sight. Or she has turned into just a plain mean person. I guess it doesn't matter it's all the same.

I still want my wife back.....But the wife that I married not the one that she currently is. I know the wife I married is gone forever. But it still hurts.

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 6:42 PM, September 21st (Thursday)]

Pulling for you my friend

I thought she was past the anger stage at this point.

It's not a stage. It's a manipulation tactic.

You should also be ready to experience love-bombing, threats, shaming, playing the victim, triangulation, and more. There was a fantastic thread awhile ago about the manipulation tactics narcissists use. It was so long ago I don't know where to find it; maybe someone has it bookmarked and can bump the thread. But you can google "narcissist manipulation tactics" and find a bunch of great info.

Your eyes are opening, MH. You're starting to see what's really there.

Sending strength brother

I can give you a pretty good forecast on the next few days…

She is not going to contact you. She is going to ignore you.

If you are sensible then you won’t reach out. Wait.

Then she will contact you on some premise. Something rather insignificant. That’s when she will drop the “I was willing to try until you got greedy and countered” bomb.

I can’t strongly enough recommend you wait it out.

If it goes the way I forecast (and I tend to be pretty accurate on these things…) then your answer:

“You know divorce is not what I want, but it beats the h@ll out of sharing you. You can stop it any time you want and commit to the marriage or even just commit to us reconnecting, but unless or until that happens then it’s inevitable the divorce takes it’s course.”

Her behavior kind of reminds of the Lord of the Rings character Gollum. She is holding on to her precious (the OM) like Gollum holds on to the ring. If I remember correctly it didn't end well for Gollum.

Even though she won't admit she is seeing him much less living with him.

I can give you a pretty good forecast on the next few days…

She is not going to contact you. She is going to ignore you.

If you are sensible then you won’t reach out. Wait.

Then she will contact you on some premise. Something rather insignificant. That’s when she will drop the “I was willing to try until you got greedy and countered” bomb.

You are pretty right on. We kinda had that conversation last night. She was angry texting me last night so I called her. She said she was trying to see if she could work it out with me by coming over and going to dinner. But when I asked for support in the counter she said that reinforced her view that I was only in it for the money. (of course it never bothered her that she made more than me until she met the OM) Not that it matters but it seems he is one that planted the idea in her head.

I'll have to use your line the way you said it next time if she repeats it.

She is being coached by her boyfriend and he was the one telling her to be nice to you.

You add to the line: “There are processes and laws in place to ensure the divorce is fair. They will ensure we both get what is considered fair. The request for alimony is based on what is considered fair and is in accordance with my part in enabling you to earn a higher wage. If it’s not a reasonable demand a judge won’t approve it.”

One thing to keep in mind: If this goes to divorce (and I’m guessing it’s 70/30 that it will end in divorce) then be willing to negotiate. For example: more equity up front in lieu of alimony. If this ends in D you want a clean cut and not even have the monthly deposit in your account to remind you of her.

She is being coached by her boyfriend and he was the one telling her to be nice to you.

More than likely right.

Is it possible or ok to say he may be manipulating her. To get what he wants?

Of course she is trying to manipulate me too......for the most part unsuccessfully; at least when it comes to terms in the D.

One thing to keep in mind: If this goes to divorce (and I’m guessing it’s 70/30 that it will end in divorce) then be willing to negotiate. For example: more equity up front in lieu of alimony. If this ends in D you want a clean cut and not even have the monthly deposit in your account to remind you of her.

Right on Bigger! The first part of you post is how my lawyer is playing it. The WW doesn't understand that I guess.

I like your odds of 70/30. Unfortunately, I think I would place my odds more at 95/5. Although you are pretty insightful......if there is still a 30% chance she has a change of heart I would take it.

Your right though; more than likely this ends in D.

Missing…

Honestly when I first posted I was certain your marriage was about as dead as the last Tyrannosaurs Rex.

I don’t think the typical wayward wife is the all-manipulative, calculating and scheming witch many think they are. I think they are mostly really mixed up and confused people. I am certain that even the worst of them will have a moment – maybe years after divorce – where they think how badly they did towards their then-ex-spouse, how they could have done better or done things in a different way. I guess it stems from my belief that there really aren’t that many totally evil people and that the clear majority of us want to be good. If we want to be good, then with time we acknowledge our mistakes. We all KNOW infidelity is bad. Your wife KNOWS that. She KNOWS she did wrong. She might justify it with some lame bad-marriage excuses, but with time she will acknowledge to herself that it’s all a cover-up. She did wrong towards you. Maybe not by divorcing – that might have been inevitable if the marriage was bad – but by cheating on you.

Having said that then when your wife came over with the car I got a feeling that maybe she was having second thoughts. Or she was cleaning her conscience. But I saw a sliver of hope. Enough to suggest you push the issue.

I haven’t completely extinguished that hope. But it’s extremely small and I wouldn’t count on it.

IMHO your best bet is to stick to the divorce and detach from her. If she wants you she will seek you out. If not… well… it’s better to know.

Her behavior kind of reminds of the Lord of the Rings character Gollum. She is holding on to her precious (the OM) like Gollum holds on to the ring. If I remember correctly it didn't end well for Gollum.

MH, I think you've got this figured out now.

After she had the A, and she filed for D,

that I was only in it for the money

Wasn't there a thread about the stupidest thing a WS ever said...

I haven’t completely extinguished that hope. But it’s extremely small and I wouldn’t count on it.

IMHO your best bet is to stick to the divorce and detach from her. If she wants you she will seek you out. If not… well… it’s better to know.

I'm certainly not counting on it. I would have a lot more hope if I knew she wasn't still with the OM. Honestly I am almost certain she would had been back a long time ago if that wouldn't have gone anywhere.

She did tell me a few weeks ago that she had planned to come back when she left on that day in July. I asked her what change then and she didn't have an answer for me. Of course I know why......she pretty much ran to him. I was no longer in the way or a barrier.

When I agreed that we take 30 days apart and try and work this out; I only had one ground rule. She would not see the OM and cheat and of course I told her I would not cheat or try to get even. (I could never do that) She promised. She got in her car and I watched her leave. Not a minute had passed and she called the OM. At that moment I knew what I was up against.

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 8:01 PM, September 21st (Thursday)]

Nobody said pimpin' and cheatin' would be easy.

You have literally no option other than to go No Contact and if she does then simply refer her to your lawyer. There is *literally* nothing to discuss in person, in text or in phone with her at this point. Anything you say or do will be held against you. She is being coached.

MH

Just to levelset I want to remind you what a remorseful WW looks like. It's not someone who says "maybe I'll come to dinner and we can talk".

You are doing the right things moving forward with D.

I believe You currently no where near have a remorseful wife in front of you. If you did, you would know it.

- She would be inconsolable with the thought of how she was the cause of so much pain to the person she loves most in the world.

- she would be begging to know what she could do to make it right.

- for you she would want to let everyone know it was her that screwed up, not you.

- she would want to read books on how to support her BS. She proactively orders them and starts reading. She actively discussed what she is reading

- she would be in IC as much as possible to figure out what went wrong with her and how she could do this to the person she loves most in the world. She proactively schedules this for herself and also proactively asks her therapist for IC recommendations for you to help you deal with the pain she has caused.

- she would feel your pain more than her own and put your happiness ahead of hers.

- she will gladly answer your questions at any time day or night with no objections

- she would write you a letter of apology highlighting how she must have made you feel

- she would focus most on your well being, ignoring her own

- she would realize what the OM really is and start being sick at the thought of him/her. She would start calling him/her names like POS for how he helped her destroy her life.

- They show remorse thru actions, not words. Examples of this could be that they proactively prepared a written timeline of what happened and are as thorough and factual as they can be.

- Other examples are: They book a polygraph when you are available to attend. And they buy a GPS tracker for their car so they can give you peace of mind. They sell something of value to only them to pay for these things so the cost doesn't come from your joint funds (e.g. Collectibles or jewelry or exercise equipment).

If they are only showing Regret and not Remorse then they will only be giving you words, not actions: e.g. "I'm so sorry. But you can trust me now. I promise you I've told you the whole truth: e.g. "You can trust me now. I love you. It didn't mean anything. I know I messed up - do you forgive me? I was so stupid, but I've learned from my mistakes. It's in the past now and we can move forward. I love you more now than I ever have. I promise it will never happen again, can we move on?"

Finally. THE EFFORT PUT INTO RECONCILIATION! If the betrayer doesn't work harder at repairing the relationship than they did to damage it, it isn't going to work no matter if you stay together or not. They need to be working harder at R than you are.

Why does the cheater always think they are so cleaver? Cheaters deny, lie, deflect, and blame (usually in that order).

Her silence to your questions are answers. You can almost see the hour-glass spinning over her head.

Asking a question the WW can't answer (at least definitely with the truth) then silence is better than the pseudo-plausible lie they are thinking of. The old adage "better to silent... than remove all doubt."

Or when they answer with "I don't know" of course they know. What that really translates to is "I don't know a good lie right now to your question".

I remember my WW doing the same thing so long ago. The silence or I don't know response to answer a question you put forth to them that they had no idea how to answer or where is this line of questioning going to go.

For fear they may mess up and give up the truth.

I think your W is in that body possessed right now by the WW. Like Bigger stated, one day when this is over she may have the Ah-Ha moment. But by then it will be too late.

Can you get documented proof that she is staying with him? I know the focus should no be the OM, but when this is all and done, and he has become bored, he will throw her away, and go for the next married wife he sees. He will do this again to someone else's marriage. I would put money on it.

It may not save your relationship, but it could prevent another future D.

Stevesn,

You are right. She currently isn’t any of those things you listed. Not even close. It’s all about her right now and the OM. Whatever it is she is all in with him.

It is also why I am disappointed she filed so early on. I thought with more time she would come around and realize what the OM really was.

one day when this is over she may have the Ah-Ha moment.

Did your WW ever this moment?