SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Its clear at this point SI has been brigaded by a group of redpillers.The book that is suggested - that's there Bible if you will. Zero compassion but hey ALPHA af right.

[This message edited by seekers at 8:42 PM, September 18th (Monday)]

Missing,

Please ignore the recent unproductive, judgmental posts. The point about this forum is that people post here when they are in crisis.

If someone is acting with absolute certainty, and either kicking an unfaithful spouse to the kerb, or reconciling, without any external input, that's great. Bully for you. Aren't you the lucky one? But you know what? Not everyone is that certain.

Not everyone is that sure. And when they find themselves in a life-raft, on a stormy sea, at midnight, they fire a distress flare into the pitch black night sky, and they hope that someone, somewhere, will see it, and help rescue them. Does that make them weak? Hell no! It makes them brave to post. Should they be more decisive, or more 'alpha'? Hell no.

We are who we are. Not all men are designed to be Robocop, and not all women are designed to be Lara Croft. And that does not mean that the people who fall outside those narrow categories are in any way invalid as men, women, or human beings. Should every man be a crewcut commando with 100% confidence and a big knife hung on his belt to settle the hash of anyone who dares question or intrude on his version of the world? The answer is no, and life is not a Tarantino movie. If you are so sure of yourself, and so 'alpha', why are you here? You are no better than anyone here, you are just different. And your comments are verging on bullying, which no real tough guy would have any truck with.

If you feel you have the secret to a happy life, that's great. The rest of us are actually struggling with what life has thrown at us, and because we are not Superman, Fonzie, Robocop, The Terminator, or any fictional 1-dimensional character you care to name, we are brave enough to reach out and ask for help. Have you ever done that? You might find you learn something if you ever do.

If you have nothing positive to contribute, please, stay silent. If you want to belittle or laugh at the people who come here for help, what does that make you? A good person, or a bad person? Someone who helps people, or someone who kicks people when they are down and need help? The people who come here are in pain and suffering; why do you think they need your condescending, negative comments?

If you saw someone get hit by a bus, would you walk over and help them, or walk over and kick them in the head, saying, "I'm way too smart to ever be hit by a bus"? Seriously, what are you getting out of what you are doing? Please, go and pull the wings off flies, or kick some puppies, because this forum is meant to help anyone who reaches out and asks for it.

Rob123 acted like a total dick and I'm surprised the mods haven't banned him.

Having said that,there are a few points worth considering. The first is that cheating wives do discount weak men. But I don't see that in you. She moved out and you are hurting, but that is not weak. Now, if you are sobbing to her to come back, that is different. But that's not what I see you doing.

The second point is that the 180 can help you heal. If that makes your WW wake up good. But don't hold out any hope.

The third is that it is normal to mourn of your WW in terms of what you thought she was, and to disbelieve that she was not. But the reality is that no one is what another thinks they are. They are what they are. So, it's not what you WW is saying that counts. It is what she is doing.

Will she crash and burn? Maybe. But more likely she will maintain, perhaps for a long time. Because no one wants to admit they were wrong.

So, my man, time to think of you, not the WW. Get you out of infidelity by

following what people here have been saying. Free your mind of her gamesmanship and your ass will follow.

Wait, why is a "happily married man of 65 years" perusing an infidelity forum? Color me confused.

Missing- Hang in there. We all know what you're going thru. You've already taken steps quicker than I did and you're moving in the right direction. It's hard but sometime soon you need to loose hope of R.

There have been "Alpha" members that come to this site because, well, they got cheated on, too. So much for being Alpha enough to affair-proof a marriage! EVERY WALK OF LIFE has been cheated on, and it wasn't because of the betrayed. It was because of the betrayer.

seekers: for clarification, I'm assuming part of your post at the top of this page is you quoting Rob123, who's post was removed. Is that correct?

Thanks Mods for cleaning this us.

All the Alpha Male stuff is Bull. I had always thought I that I would never ever want a cheater back. Well I guess I don't know how I will react to a situation until I was actually in it.

Yesterday the WW came over to the house and I helped her customize her new car. We spent about 6 hours together and then went to dinner. Overall, I think it went pretty well. That is longest that we have spent together since the day she left 2.5 months ago. WW says she will be back on Wed to go to dinner with me.

Out of curiosity why are you helping her with her car?

Out of curiosity why are you helping her with her car?

I know I shouldn't be. I guess it is the stupid pick me dance. For most of the time we spent together yesterday it was kinda like old times.....before any of this happened.

I realize that you're very conflicted right now.

But I just really really need to know that you understand these actions will cause a really cataclysmic outcome.

Lets try this - what do you need from us to most effectively approach this situation.

I realize that you're very conflicted right now.

But I just really really need to know that you understand these actions will cause a really cataclysmic outcome.

Lets try this - what do you need from us to most effectively approach this situation.

I am very conflicted right now. I feel like since she has already filed and I have already responded and countered filed....the clock is really ticking down fast. D is fast in my state 60 days from the time the first person files.

She has started talking to me a little bit more and isn't really gas lighting or blaming me anymore. I want to think that she is still conflicted about the whole thing. I guess I could be wrong. If she hadn't file I would have been fine going NC for a while. I really want to fight for my M and R.......but I know it will take both of us.

I honestly can't understand why you would want to be anywhere near her, talk to her or even exchange text messages that do not concern the D proceedings.

You need to be NC with her.

seekers: for clarification, I'm assuming part of your post at the top of this page is you quoting Rob123, who's post was removed. Is that correct?>

Yes twisted, I was replying. Id hate to think this newly betrayed man thought this was normal here.

Missing

It feels like you are trying to show her what a great guy you are and that it will somehow convince her to pick you and all of a sudden to choose you and stop with him.

Truth is she knows who you are. She knows what she liked and disliked about you.

Most likely she's just enjoying not having you mad at her when you are together and then she goes home and sleeps with POSOM.

I fear you are headed toward more disappointment when in 60 days the D is finalized and you say "wait, but we were getting along so well" and she says "yeah, and I hope that continues, let's be friends, but I'm still going to be having sex with POSOM while he and I live together. But I really like hanging with you".

Maybe your ok with that. I couldn't be, but I'm not you.

My approach would be, call me when you figure out what a douche you left me for. I'm the prize and if you don't think im one worth fighting for I'm moving on.

Either way, I wish you luck.

What is broken inside of these cheaters...it makes them unsafe. Your feelings for her sound deep and true.

You sound like a good guy. What do you deserve? Don't you deserve more than these crumbs? And don't you deserve to BE safe? BE safe...not just feel safe. How is she safe for you? If she were to call you tomorrow and say "I changed my mind, let's try to R," would you be safe?

We all know these fears you are going through. The fear of loneliness. The fear of the grief (i.e. denial). The fear of her eventually fixing herself and moving on. The fear of accepting reality...the reality of who your STBX is and that no matter what, you don't have what you thought you had, what you need, or what you deserve.

This is hell man. We're with you.

What good things are you doing for yourself? How are you healing yourself?

I want to think that she is still conflicted about the whole thing. I guess I could be wrong. If she hadn't file I would have been fine going NC for a while.

This jumped out at me. This sounds like it could be more about your dignity. I say this because I desperately tried to salvage some dignity by doing the pick me dance for a year, which is contradictory, I was hoping she would fight for me.

For me, I was not going to attempt to R with someone who had no interest in helping me heal from the trauma she herself inflicted.

Does your STBX have that desire? If not, why would you want to R with her? Is that the kind of partner you want/deserve?

Spending time with you right now is only helping her to believe that what she has done wasn't too bad. That Misher still loves/wants me so we can remain friends even after OM and I marry. One side effect of the 180 is that it shows the WW what life it like without you. It shows her that you are not going to be around to fix her car, to talk for hours about things with her, that you are no longer her best friend that she can rely on.

The main reason we say to do the 180 is that it allows you to detach and really see what is going on. Like right now...You are dateing your wife while she lives with and sleeps with OM. You in fact have become the OM to their relationship.

The pick me dance has never won anyone back. It only show the wS that you will always be there and be happy with crumbs. Most choose to cake eat longer.

If she were showing some signs of remorse you wouldn't want to do the 180 because... she seemed to be coming around. It's hard but it's what's best for you right now.

If she were showing some signs of remorse you wouldn't want to do the 180 because... she seemed to be coming around.

This is what I am hoping for. I think (could be wrong) that maybe her A is at a turning point and the newness is wearing off.

I'm pretty sure the whole situation will be decided in the next month or so.....if not in the next couple of weeks. Not sure how it is all going to end up.....but limbo sucks!

MH,

WW says she will be back on Wed to go to dinner with me.

On Wednesday, you need to ask her what she is doing, and where she sees your relationship going. Just ask her straight out if the divorce is going ahead, as you have commented it can happen quickly in the state you live in. Ask her what is going on with her and the OM.

You need answers to these questions, and not asking them is not doing anyone any favours, as it sounds like the D proceedings are underway.

Also, you can ask her if she thinks she is being fair to you by turning up, getting you to work on her car, and then having dinner with you. Ask her what she is trying to achieve by doing that? A reconciliation, or just to salve her conscience that you and she are now 'friends', and to prove to herself that you are not angry because she didn't do anything wrong.

This doesn't mean you have to fight about it, or do it in an accusatory way, but you have every right to ask these things of her, and given what she has done to you, she owes you as mush honesty and clarity as she can muster.

What I would suggest is that you write some key questions down, including, "Where are we going with this?", "Am I your friend or your husband?", and work through them with her on Wednesday. Please do not shy away from doing this, and just smile and play nice at the dinner; you cannot 'nice' anyone back into a relationship, sadly, as others have pointed out. Have a think about the things you want to know, particularly where she sees the relationship going, and ask them. If the D proceedings are rattling along, these are all issues that will have to be faced soon anyway, and wouldn't it be better to get some clarity sooner rather than later, so you can prepare for things, one way or the other?

As you say, limbo sucks; list your questions, and ask them on Wednesday.

Sending strength and empathy to you.

Missing,

Gently…

Have you considered that you might be the OM in your wife’s life right now?

Did the OM know and accept that she spent six hours plus dinner with you?

After all – last time we knew she was living with OM.

I think M1965 idea is an excellent one. List your questions and ASK them. Ask her where she is going and how she sees the future between you two.

Use the time to that dinner to really evaluate what YOU are willing to do and accept.

Let’s imagine some scenarios:

She tells you she wants to slow down the divorce.

She tells you she wants to reconcile.

She tells you she needs time.

She tells you she wants the divorce over ASAP and to move on.

She tells you she only wants to be friends.

Missing… Use the Wednesday dinner as your Zero Hour. Use it to steer your next actions. If she gives you REALISTIC hope - hope that has a clear timeline and a clear indication that she’s coming back -then have your dates and what you are willing to do ready. But make sure that hope is REAL. Asking for time or a status-quo with no other change… that’s not real.

Remember that comparison I gave you of a man walking beside you constantly punching you? Well… Make sure there is some connection with her words and her actions. Words only then she’s still punching…

I strongly encourage you to use the Wednesday to give her a clear line: If she tells you she wants to remain friends, wants her “freedom” or whatever then you also be clear on what YOU want. I know what you want, but if she closes that hope then I can suggest what I think you should want:

You want to recover. You want out of infidelity. It it’s not with her then so be it. I would tell her that this divorce is not what you want but it beats being in infidelity. That you are too emotionally attached to the marriage to deal with this. That the ongoing contact with her is hurting you and you need to think personal recovery. Yes – she has hurt you tremendously and you will take a long time to recover. No – you two won’t be “friends” per se. The best you hope for is that in the future you will think fondly and positively back to your lives together, but for now you need to distance yourself from her, the marriage and the infidelity. Ask her to stop coming over. Tell her that you are moving on and for your own personal well-being it needs to be totally cold-turkey in regards to her.

Honestly What – I think your wife is really confused and probably not clear on what she wants. But… other than this last development I haven’t seen a single action on her behalf indicating she wants THIS marriage. One reason she might have her doubts is because she hasn’t had to really make the tough decisions. She’s sitting on a fence and has a step-ladder to help her down – step-ladder being you. If you start removing that ladder she must choose fast or else risk the pain when she finally falls off that fence.

Finally, … What I fear is that she gives you an unclear message. One that you take optimistically. If she says something like “let’s just see how things go” then you must really understand what she’s saying. Ask for clear words, don’t be afraid of the truth because that’s what you need to deal with anyway.

Btw – I think having a strong need to stand by one’s vows is alpha-male behavior.