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Dear hopeforthefutire94,

Thank you for sharing your experience and your thoughts. I am sorry for what you've had to go through (and are still going through).

"One thing you need to do going forward is to work on fixing yourself and not try and force the outcome you want. Your wife had no say in what you did and so she needs to be the one in the drivers seat moving forward"

This is something i talked about with my therapist today, and I am now keenly focused on it. I am in "one day at a time" mode right now, subordinating my own grief and shame and need for consolation to my wife's needs. She is the victim, and she needs comfort , space, to express what she wants. I am backing off from trying to control the process and to try to get the outcome I want. She even acknowledged today that she has seen this favorable shift, and she thanked me!

The good news: we are talking. She is consciously forcing herself to be constructive and not destructive. She is spending time with me. She is not recoiling from me. She is actually mostly being calm and kind. I can hardly believe it. What an amazing woman! I am not naive enough to think that she is anywhere close to "okay", or that there isn't a rollercoaster of love-hate emotion yet to come for a long time.

We had s long walk today. And she said first and foremost, she stands for our kids and our family. And I am an important part of the family. She was livid on Wednesday when i was in touch with the last remaining OP. I didn't understand why two days ago. We truly were just friends and her counsel was helpful. Now i get it: everyone from, that whole world of betrayal needs to be dead to me. And now they are. And I get it. And my BS believes me. She says despite this all, she still loves me. And I definitely love her. She said tonight that we are ready to start reconciliation and she will give it all she has, though she can't guarantee the outcome. She said as long as I don't fuck up again, we will get through this.

I explained to her how I know I will stay on the straight and narrow from now on.

1) I have "drained the swamp". There are no more secrets left

2) I've shut down all contact with "others" permanently. For real

3) I do truly love her and the suffering I have cause her is intolerable to me. The remorse and guilt I feel is overwhelming. The fact that I consider myself a man of integrity and character, and yet I did this horrible stuff...that is a disconnect of the highest order and it's just plain unacceptable. Now that I am experiencing these feelings, and also faced with the catastrophic consequences of my actions, I know that I will never allow my wife or me to feel this again or to risk what I have risked again. I simply will not let it happen

My wife is an INCREDIBLE woman. And she has been incredible thus far amid these extraordinarily awful circumstances. I know it is super-early, but I believe the reconciliation can now begin.

Weirdly, I think I'm actually glad I got caught. I've divulged everything, and the guilt and stress and exhaustion of deceit are starting to recede. I have nothing to hide now. It is of course being replaced with the guilt and remorse and horror at the suffering and devastation I have caused to my wife, who is the person I love most in this world. She's my best friend too. But at least now I can focus on helping her with that as best I can.

She's curled up next to me asleep in bed right now. Where she belongs. Where I belong. I just can't fucking believe I did this to her.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 10:45 PM, July 28th (Friday)]

mcw922

I am so glad you have a counselor already. That is so important. I hope your wife is able to go to counseling when she is ready. One of the first things the counselor told me was "if your H is going to cheat he is going to cheat, you need to make sure that you are in a good place so that if he does cheat again, you know you will be ok." At first I thought that was the worst advice ever. I wanted a guarantee that he wouldn't cheat. But now I understand the wisdom of his counsel. Then he gave me a book on co-dependence to help me and that was very helpful.

My H read the book "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" and found it very helpful in understanding what I am feeling.

I see so much of my situation in yours. Your wife sounds amazing. You indeed are very lucky. For me, I was in shock the first two months. I didn't want to talk to a counselor or anyone. And then after the initial shock wore off, the anger came. We used to take car rides so I could yell and cry without the kids seeing us. My two adult age children know what has happened. (they only think it's "an affair" not multiple affairs") and they were told about 2 years after it happened. I was able to talk to them about it rather matter of factly and it seemed to go well. The younger 3 still have no idea and I am trying to keep it that way as long as I can. I am guessing someday they may find out but I like the fact that they don't know. I have not told my parents. They were grieving my sisters death when this all happened and I thought the kindest thing I could do for them was to let them not worry about me. Plus, I didn't want it to be weird for them to be around my husband since we were working through R. So far, I am still relieved I didn't tell them. We did tell my H parents so that I would have their support. They know the extent of his misconduct so I let them in on the horror show since he is their son.

The best advice I would give your wife is to be kind to herself. For me, it was almost like I was on life support. I could barely function with anything more than just being. I told myself that it was ok if my house was messy or if I gave my kids ramen etc if it meant that I was able to use whatever mental, physical etc strength to heal myself and to keep the family together, then it would be worth it. I had to give myself grace and not beat myself up for not being able to do what I used to do so easily.

Please please please remember that reconciliation comes at such a tremendous cost to your wife. She will not succinctly go through the stages of grief. She will be all over the place and experience multiple stages at the same time. There is such confusion and chaos in the minds of the BS. Even now almost 3 years later, I still think about the A's a lot in my quiet moments. I still cry, I still get angry but I do have hope.

Like your wife, I told my H I would stay if I saw that his actions were consistent with someone who understood the severity of their wrongdoing. I could only stay if he was going to give 200% anything less and it would have been to hard to stay.

Lastly, do NOT ever contact any OW again. If you want to ruin any chance at R you have, that is the quickest way to do it. Block numbers, get a new email address if you have to. Whatever you do, prove to your wife in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE that you are committed to her. If one of the OW shows up at your job and your wife would never know, guess what?? You tell her. Your wife needs to feel safe again. Her world is blown apart. The way you make your wife feel safe in your marriage is to tell her everything. There can be no secrets etc. You completely go dark on any attempts from other women and you work the rest of your life to prove to your wife that she made the right choice in giving you this second chance.

Keep posting!

Dear hopeforthefuture94,

Thank you once again for sharing and for your valuable insight. I am trying so hard to empathize with my wife's pain, but of course that is not really possible. So your perspective is so helpful.

Yes my wife is now in individual therapy as well. She jumped right on that. With the initial revelation of my "main" affair on 7/17, with my cover up until my full disclosure of everything else on 7/26, with the fact that I had unprotected sex with 3 different women (WTF was I thinking!!!), and with my continued contact with the final OP because for some warped reason we were friends and she was helping me cope these past two weeks, with my wanton disregard for her and our children and any consequence....she was definitely at the precipice of ending it all. She was deciding whether she wanted to R at all, and definitely leaning toward "no". She had dinner with a close friend and confidante Wednesday night and I believe he got her to take a step away from the edge of the cliff. We went on a long walk last night and talked. I now understand why any contact with an OP is unacceptable. It was in fact the straw that nearly broke the camels back. And my wife accepts that I understand it. The last OP (we really were only friends on the phone for the prior two weeks...no matter) called me on wednesday just to see how I was because she was worried about me. I told her we can't have any more contact, I wished her well, and I hung up. And I immediately called my wife to inform her. As of that phone call, all contact with all OP's is dead. End of story. I understand the importance of it now.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 7:24 AM, July 29th (Saturday)]

...for some warped reason we were friends and she was helping me cope these past two weeks...

Prolonged exposure to online porn and contact with hypersexual individuals who frequent places like Craigslist and Ashley Madison distorts one's thought pattern. The behavior becomes normalized as all the people you've met in this environment engage in similar viewpoints themselves.

Sometimes when a WS has their DDay, all that previously normalized behavior is suddenly seen through the lens of Reality again and becomes startlingly bizarre, even to the WS who has been engaged in it. You suddenly realize that you're going to have to explain yourself, and not just to your spouse but to your relatives, friends, coworkers, and maybe even to a court of law. In that context, you're slapping your head and wondering what the hell you were thinking because there is NO explanation which sounds plausable. These aspects of your life which had been "normal" are now viewed without the rose-colored glasses of fantasy, possibly for the first time in years, stripped down and ugly for all the world to see.

It's no wonder that you resisted giving up the last of it, but be warned... just as Hopeforthefuture has said, any return to that kind of thinking will sabotage any hope of R.

Very good start. Get a new cell number. My ww did and it really made me feel much more comfortable. Good luck on your journey.

I would recommend getting the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your affair" by Linda McDonald. It's a very easy read and about 95 pages long. But it is chalked full of insight into the pain your wife will be feeling and how you can help in the reconciliation process by giving you the "what to do/what not to do" advice.

In my attempt to keep this so private I only posted on this forum. I didn't want my Amazon account to have "suggestions" about other affair books so my kids wouldn't see. Once I told my oldest two kids about a year ago I went ahead and purchased some books so my H read the book two years after dday but he still found it helpful. But it would have been more helpful right away. Instead it was like a refresher course.

Your A's were all about you. Now it's time make it all about your wife. Trust me when I say this. You could NOT pay me any amount of money to re-live the past couple of years since dday. One billion. NO WAY! I would never want to be back to Oct 2014 and to re-live the horror. My worst nightmare was "an affair" and on dday I discovered my reality was SO MUCH WORSE then my worst nightmare. It's such a tragic place to be. The confusion you feel as a BS wondering what was real in the marriage and what wasn't. My H told me he never wanted to leave me and he always loved me but yet he cheated. Our minds can't comprehend that dichotomy.

Just know in her quiet moments that will be what she is thinking about. Like I said, even almost 3 years later and I still think about it a lot. It's way better but I still have a long way to go. They say it will take a minimum of 2-5 years to "heal". think of it like a death. In 5 years you won't stop missing and loving the deceased you are just not on the floor crying everyday and trying to function. This is a death. It is a death of her marriage and her innocence and her self worth and the man she thought she knew. In time she will learn to live within her new normal and eventually won't be consumed by it 24/7 like she will be for the next few years. But understand she is in for the worst roller coaster of her life. Be there for her and never become defensive or try to place any blame on her. Just hold her and prove to her through your actions that you are committed to being a safe partner and when her anger hits (and it will) understand what ever spews out of her mouth will be coming from a place of pain and devastation. I have called my H so many awful things and he took it like a man. And even though I told him I would R there were times I considered D because I was so hurt. Even though he was doing everything he possibly could to help me. The BS mind goes in a million diff directions and some days D will look like a vacation from the problems. Truth is either way is hard so I always talked myself off the cliff.

But I am encouraged by what I have read from you. It took me a long time to learn that infidelity is a coping strategy. So...when you are stressed, angry, lonely, tired etc you need to find new healthy coping strategies so you don't find yourself on the CL or AM as a coping method. But I do see hope in your situation. And truth be told, I was very happily married before this happened. I was caught so off guard because we had sex regularly and enjoyed each other's company and my H was the first one to tell me "this wasn't about any deficiencies you have, rather it was me who was broken" and now being with a husband who understands what he stood to lose and was given a second chance is a beautiful thing. Our marriage now is better than before which is CRAZY because I was so happily married before and I wouldn't want my old happy marriage back. Because now I have a H who is totally invested in me and sees the world in a diff way because he sees how disgusting his dumpster diving (his words) lifestyle was and how his marriage brings him peace. And he doesn't take me for granted anymore. When you walk through hell and back together it really can bring a closeness you cant get any other way but man oh man it comes at the most painful cost.

Hope

Dear ChamomileTea,

"Sometimes when a WS has their DDay, all that previously normalized behavior is suddenly seen through the lens of Reality again and becomes startlingly bizarre, even to the WS who has been engaged in it."

Yes, this is exactly how I feel. Only, add "horrible, shameful, and disgusting" after the word "bizarre".

I feel like it was another person who did these things. But it wasn't. I did it. I own it.

Dear hopeforthefuture94,

At your and others' suggestion, I have already bought that book on my kindle, and I'm planning on reading it this weekend. I'm going to do the best I can to understand the pain and devastation my wife is feeling and to give her whatever support and love she needs. The "do's and don'ts" I'm sure will be very helpful.

And thank you for sharing your story of your successful reconciliation. I know you are still suffering, but it sounds like you are in a much better place. And the fact that you feel your marriage is BETTER than it was before the infidelity is inspiring and encouraging. The fact that your H has a new appreciation for you and seemingly a greater commitment than before the A -- AND that you acknowledge that and appreciate it back -- is wonderful. I sincerely hope my wife and I can fight through this travesty I have caused and achieve the same thing as you. I want to be THAT man, and I know I can be.

THANK YOU!!

[This message edited by mcw922 at 2:54 PM, July 29th (Saturday)]

One other thing you might consider.

Your wife may go through a period where she feels she has no self esteem left.

Where she feels ugly and undesirable.

I'm a bs and I went through that stage also.

To hopeforthefuture94:

I wish I could talk with your wife. Please send her my best

My BW has been reading this thread and she says she'd welcome talking to you.

Her username is "HelenKeller". Feel free to reach out to her if you are willing and able.

Thanks!

[This message edited by mcw922 at 11:35 PM, July 29th (Saturday)]

My BW broke down crying while we were in bed last night. She said a lot of very sad things. Nothing hurtful. She was just overwhelmed with sadness and loss:

** I (me) fucking destroyed us

** It feels like a part of her was ripped out. The part that "leaves the door unlocked"; that "allows her to never have to look at our finances"; that is okay with "our 14yo son gallivanting around town with his friends". The part that trusts.

** she was thinking about what "the next man" would be like. Would she want the type of guy who would want to be with a 41yo divorcee with 4 kids and me as an ex. Could she trust him? ("No" was her answer)

** she was debating out loud with herself about which was the best balance of risk/effort for her: 1) staying with me and monitoring the shit out of me (and all the effort that entails) and the risk that I would end up cheating and/or leaving her anyway versus 2) laissez-faire - let me do what I'll do and stay on a loveless marriage with no expectation of fidelity...all for the kids.

That last one is so hard. The fact is: I'm done with the deceit and the betrayal. That IS NOT me. I'm going to be the best possible husband, friend, dad she's ever imagined from now on. I'm going to double down (triple down? Quadruple down?) on my commitment and devotion to her and to our marriage, our love, and our family. But of course she has no reason whatsoever to believe that. I've given her no reason to. I've shattered her trust in me. All I can do is to prove it with my words and actions and my way of being with her from now on, and to hope she has the patience and willingness to see it as genuine.

** a number of other things. She was sobbing.

It was awful. My heart was melting for her. I was mostly silent laying on my side inches from her in the dark. I stroked her head for as long as she allowed it. I said "I can't believe I did this to you. I am so sorry."

She asked me why I am confident that there's not such a thing as "too late". I said "because I know we truly love each other. And I know I'm going to change my ways because this hurt and travesty I've caused and this anguish and remorse I feel, now that it is painfully present, is not something I will ever allow again. And I believe nearly everything is repairable with true commitment...at least to a point where happiness is possible again.

My wife has also been reading this thread. She says she felt a little defeated because it is "just a little too perfect". And she feels as if you folks are treating me "as though I am virtuous". Wondering if I'm "crafting another fake identity". That I am trying to perpetuate this belief that I am a person with integrity, but I am not. That I am not simply a good person who did a series of bad things. That I can aspire to be that, bu I am not that to her or to the family. :(

I promised her (though I know my word means nothing right now) that i am being sincere. And that at her suggestion I am here on SI seeking support. Seeking to understand all this shit from people (both betrayed and wayward) who are further along thru this tumult than I am. That I am exposing the awful things I've done, and outlining the steps I'm taking, and grasping at straws to be hopeful and optimistic. That I am seeking guidance from you all on how to be constructive and to "do the do's" and "don't do the don'ts" with my BW, under unprecedented circumstances that I have no idea how to deal with. I asked her to please try to take this at face value because I am being totally authentic and am totally committed to R. hope she believes me.

This morning we woke up, and she pulled me close and we cuddled affectionately in bed for like a half hour. I stroked her head and her face. She rubbed my chest. She said "sorry about last night". I told her she had absolutely nothing to be sorry about. I did this to her. I hurt her. And that I can take it. That I'm just glad we're talking. And that it's probably good that she's expressing the hurt and anger to me. To vent it.

So last night was tough. But this morning was good. We're on the deck right now having coffee :) I can't express how much I love and respect this woman, the love of my life. Or how awful and sorry I feel for having done this to her.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 10:33 AM, July 30th (Sunday)]

Please stop calling your last AP a friend. Whether you were having sex with her for the last few weeks,or not, this woman was never your friend. She helped you attack your wife and family, basically. And believing she was giving you good marital advice is insane. She's an enemy of your marriage.

If she had come into your house,and started beating your wife and kids, would you consider her a friend? Because,in a sense, that's what she did,with you holding the door open to welcome her in.

Please stop calling your last AP a friend. Whether you were having sex with her for the last few weeks,or not, this woman was never your friend.

I have stopped. I have stopped all contact with all OP's. All of those contacts are dead.

This last OP called me on Wednesday. I told her I can no longer be in touch with her at all. I thanked her for her support these past few weeks, and I wished her well and hung up. I then immediately called my wife and informed her of that contact and the content of it.

And I understand...whether I considered this OP a friend or not doesn't matter. It's how my wife feels about it that matters. And this OP was an affair partner. And she was a vestige of that world of deceit and betrayal no matter what I think or say about it. I get it. Dead to me.

The "main affair" OP had texted me earlier in the week. I showed my wife the text and deleted the text in front of her. The OP emailed me at work a few days later. I replied and simply said I can have no more contact with her and I wished her well. I forwarded that email to my wife so she is aware.

It's all over. No contact. I am now focused exclusively on my wife, as I always should have been. And it will be they way from now on.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 11:12 AM, July 30th (Sunday)]

In this thread, several times,you justify talking to her because she's just a friend.

Instead of continuously contacting them and telling them NC, why aren't they blocked?

Regardless, when they reach out again, do not respond. Go home,and show your wife the texts,or emails. Or tell her they tried to call. Then the two of you need to decide together,what to do.

And if they call your office,and you answer,when you realize it's one if them,hang up immediately. No need to repeat that there's to be NC. They know. And any response from you is attention, and breaking NC.

If I were your wife, I would be very upset that you thanked her for her support,and wished her well. Again,if she came into your house,and beat your wife,would you thank her,and wish her well? Your wife may not be upset about this particular exchange yet, but be prepared for her to feel as if it's another betrayal.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:59 AM, July 30th (Sunday)]

mcw922

I sent your wife a message. I have thought about her a lot this weekend since reading your first post. I really see a lot of my situation in with what she will deal with and I have so much empathy for her.

My wife has also been reading this thread. She says she felt a little defeated because it is "just a little too perfect". And she feels as if you folks are treating me "as though I am virtuous". Wondering if I'm "crafting another fake identity". That I am trying to perpetuate this belief that I am a person with integrity, but I am not. That I am not simply a good person who did a series of bad things. That I can aspire to be that, bu I am not that to her or to the family. :(

I read that and understood where your wife was coming from. My H is not on this site but he did have to go through a church disciplinary council for his actions and as he was working on the being a better person and working on being a safe partner to me the few people who knew the situation would say how great he is doing and always applaud his efforts and it would make me mad in that he was the jerk who put me in this situation and now we are going to applaud him for his hard work??? What about me who never jeopardized the family for selfish wants??

Anyway, I had those thoughts myself and I too also would think that he was playing me. Now he is going to all of a sudden behave and not do those things? And I even asked him how I could know that he wasn't playing me again (I came across an email back in 2009 which he only admitted to that and didn't tell me he made out with a girl back in 2006) so when I found out his secret emails in 2014, I wondered how I would know that I wouldn't be back for yet another dday and he said "you only came across proof of the sexting, I told you about all the rest. If I was still wanting that lifestyle, I wouldn't have confessed to having sex with 4 other women."

So that gave me pause and I could see that I wasn't being played. So, I can see exactly why your wife feels the way she does. Life as she knew it was not actually what was happening. And all of this stuff was done without her knowledge and permission and so yes, she will be skeptical of all of your efforts in the beginning until you have enough positive safe actions built up that she can start feeling a smidgeon safe again in her own marriage.

Like I said, in Oct it will be 3 years and I am still skittish even though every days since Oct. 2014 he has done everything he possible can to prove to me he is safe. It takes time and there are no shortcuts.

Hope

Well it is D-Day + 3 weeks and 1 day. I think our reconciliation is going about as well as could be hoped. My wife is actually being very kind, affectionate, rational, and warm, and regularly reiterates that she loves me and that if there's even the slimmest of chances we can reconcile and be happy, then she is committed to doing her part to make that happen.

I still feel horrible and ashamed for what I have done and how I have hurt her -- I will for a long time. But I love her so much, and I am so remorseful, and I want to help her in any way I can and reconcile. I want to earn her forgiveness and rebuild her trust in me (to whatever extent possible).

We talk every day; we go for walks together probably one evening out of every three; we are sleeping in the same bed. She shares with me what she's thinking and how she's feeling. I take all of these as good signs.

I have bought and read the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair", as recommended by several of you on this forum. It's been extremely enlightening; it's pointed out some things I've tripped up on over the past few weeks (i.e., "don'ts"), and it's also reinforced many of the things that I think I am saying and doing right ("do's").

Some of the actions I've taken over the past few weeks -- things I will continue permanently:

1. I've been completely honest about everything; no secrets or deceit.

2. I have had zero contact with any Other Person's since my missteps in week 1.

3. My wife told me that I need to repay the family for money spent in my extramarital activities. She proposed a number, which was very fair. She said I have until end of the year to pay back that money, but not thru "regular income". in other words, I have to sell stuff, or figure out ways to cut back on expenditures to recoup the money. I have put together a detailed plan to achieve this (and hopefully exceed the number), and have already sold a few items, and saved us $70/month on expenses by cutting back on some subscriptions and TV plans.

4. I've tried very hard to be aware of my behavior and to be present with her, and to make loving gestures (genuine ones)...for example, she likes the bed made in the morning. I've made the bed on days I leave after her and left little notes on her bedside table.

5. I've been seeing an individual therapist. We are on a twice-per-week regimen for now. We've talked through some crisis moments (see below), and are just starting to delve into the mystery of why the hell I cheated in the first place. I remain dumbfounded when faced with the question "why did I do this?", so this will be a long process I believe.

6. I've put the handgun up for sale through consignment at a local dealer. It is out of the house now.

I have made some mistakes the past few weeks; While I haven't cheated or lied, I've done some things that have made my wife question my maturity and judgment, things which mean I am not being penitent enough. I think, though, that with each misstep, we have talked it through constructively, and I'm learning "the rules" of how to be while we are in this tough rebuilding process:

1. Last week, we had a 3-day, 2-night Americas-wide work conference in the most unfortunate location: Atlantic City, NJ. I drove down last Monday morning, and spent two nights and returned Wednesday afternoon. On the Monday evening, I hung out with colleagues and drank a bit and gambled a bit. I lost about $400, but compared to my colleagues, I was an angel. I didn't do ANYTHING with anyone of the opposite sex (not that I deserve an award for that). The next morning, my wife asked if I gambled / lost money; I told the truth and she hit the roof. At the time, I thought it was just because I lost some money. Tuesday night I had a late dinner with some colleagues (one a female, and I told my wife all of this), and stayed out late drinking with colleagues, but I REFUSED to gamble one cent. I proudly (and as it turns out, stupidly) sent my wife a text at 4am explaining how "good" I was. She was so incensed the next day that she wouldn't talk to me or respond to my texts. I didn't get it. I didn't cheat and I didn't gamble. Once we finally were able to talk it through (with her and also with my therapist) I understood. The pain and destruction wrought by my betrayal was so raw...and there I was gallivanting around with my friends in AC (a high risk environment) all night. Even though I KNEW i wasn't doing anything wrong, I should have been doing everything in my power to put her mind at ease. Epic failure.

2. Last Friday, I played in a charity golf tournament with some colleagues. This had been planned for months. I fully disclosed where I was going and who I was with. We played golf from 1:00 to 5:45pm, during which time, I left my cellphone in my golf bag. So I was kind of "off the grid" for about 5 hours. And then I stayed to eat dinner at the post-tournament banquet. Yet again: I didn't do anything "wrong" while I was there, but I failed to look at the whole environment and the time window from my wife's hurt and betrayed point of view.

3. When I went to AC, I withdrew $2,000 from the bank. I had every intention of going to AC, doing some moderate gambling, returning and putting the vast majority of that money back in the bank. Never got around to it. This weekend, my wife saw the cash and asked what all that money was from. I said it was what was left from AC. She was furious. What made me think it was okay to take out so much? What was I planning do do with that much? Why didn't I tell her. I was pretty confused, but in retrospect, I can see how it looks pretty bad.

Each of these three events brought us back to "the brink" again, and it was because of my lack of judgment, my immaturity, and my apparent lack of empathy for my wife's point of view and feelings and suffering. Thanks to my wife's maturity and level-headedness, I got the opportunity to talk through each one with her, and I believe we have weathered each one. I've learned a lot through this, most importantly: I may be doing things which, when viewed through a PRE-AFFAIR lens, are acceptable. But we're in a POST-AFFAIR world, trying to reconcile & rebuild (or to get to a point where we can start that). So how things look to HER is just as important as what I'm actually doing. Before the affair, if something seemed questionable, it was fine, because she trusted me. My judgment was sound and was considered a good control over my impulses. Now she doesn't trust me, and to her, my judgment is a very poor control. Even if I disagree, what I think doesn't really matter. So not only do I need to NOT CHEAT OR DECEIVE, I also need to prevent any situations where there could she might perceive that I may cheat or deceive. Her mind is in "worst case scenario" mode, and I need to be keenly sensitive to that.

One thing struck me like a sledgehammer. When I was getting back in the car to drive home from AC, she sent me a pretty simple text which was what broke her silence that day: "I am pretty upset about your behavior this week in AC". I read that, then got in the car to drive 2-1/2 hours home. During that 2-1/2 hours, I was not texting. Later, my wife confided in me that she thought only one of two things was possible to explain that 2-1/2 hour "gone dark" window: (1) I actually did do something bad in AC and I didn't want to admit it; (2) I had had enough of her anger and was leaving her. Neither was anywhere close to the truth. But it shocked me into understanding exactly how overwhelmed, hurt, afraid, uncertain, and wounded she is.

Sorry for the endless storytelling her, but I wanted to get this all expressed. Thanks for reading. I am earnestly trying very hard to say and do everything right (authentically!), but I am not perfect, obviously, so I am making mistakes and learning along the way. I am fortunate to have a wife who is smart, discerning, and who loves me so much that she is working through this with me. Truly amazing. What a moron I am!!!

[This message edited by mcw922 at 2:37 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

Where's the communication MCW? A mere three weeks ago, you butchered your family with the truth of your betrayal and when you go away for a work conference (in Atlantic City smh) there's no conversation with your wife about actions that will keep her safe?

Did it not come up that there would be down time and what you would be doing during that down time? This was never an issue for me because my WH took a 6 week leave of absence to alleviate my panic attacks...and you just hop on over to your conference and gamble away with your buddies? You consider this empathy? This is you expressing deep sorrow for gutting your wife? Actions MCW - your damned good with the words, where are your actions?

PS - don't worry Helen - we see every reason for your fear and concern...we're not buying the snake oil..

Sorry - I had to take a phone call in the middle of writing war & peace above...so I didn't finish the whole story.

She knew all about the AC trip well in advance. I offered to cancel and not go at all, but she said "no, you need to still do your career things". I figured I would go and "be good". But my "being good" was not calibrated with her "being good", and so I f_cked it all up.

I was actually PROUD to text her at 4am to tell her how well I behaved that night! So stupid!! All I did was demonstrate that I was cavorting late-night at a casino. And I was absolutely not attuned to what would make her feel comfortable and safe.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 2:43 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

So your wife demonstrated extraordinary grace and composure by encouraging you to attend - what do you think she was doing back at home? What was she thinking? How much fear did she need to swallow in order to function while you were away? And you were partying. Spending the money. I'm not suggesting you sit in your hotel room and self-flagellate but what message do you think your actions sends to your wife?

The words you typed in this thread about your remorse DO NOT match your actions. Your wife sees this. Trust me when I tell you a BS's tolerance for bullshit wears very thin - mighty quick. You are not behaving like a man afraid of losing something important to him. And btw - you screwed up before the conference. You shouldn't have offered to skip the conference. You should have told your boss you couldn't attend because your family was in its death throes and not even have MENTIONED the conference to your wife. Because you "offered" - you put her in the role of bad guy if she had "accepted" your offer. If you care from here in out - ANTICIPATE your wife's need for safety and security.

[This message edited by sassylee at 3:00 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

I've been reading this thread, very shocked at how kindly your wife is treating you.

She sounds like a saint. I have a fWH (5 months since dday) that is very repentant, remorseful, kind, etc...

But no way was I as gracious as your wife. I have verbally beat the crap out of him (figuratively) almost every day for 5 months...even though I love him and want to R!

I say all this only to point out that I hope your dear BW is able to truly release all her true, deep down feelings. It is so important to let it all flow out and not hold it in. She seems wonderfully kind to the core. Don't be surprised though, if she suddenly becomes angry or deeply depressed.