SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's crazy how at one point our values were very much in sync. Now, not at all. Yeah, it's like she was abducted. I just don't get it. And it's that mindfuckery that's impeding my moving forward and healing.

Squid, my wife used to Fill up with so much anger when she heard one of our friends cheating. "How could they do that? Why would they do that? What a scumbag! If they aren't happy just leave! It shouldn't be that hard!" These are all things she used to say.

Maybe this is the real her (the cheater) and she was just pretending to share my values. Again this is why I feel like maybe I was played a fool and my wife never 100% loved me. I also question if she knows what love is? I do know she knows how to love herself and be selfish and only cares about her own feelings (above her husband's, kids, family).

I've been where you currently are (and still am to some extent) with the mindfuck. But I eventually woke up one day and said "F*ck this! I'm slowly killing myself by letting her fill up my head and making me feel all these emotions. I was becoming exhausted and I was just sitting in bed. I don't deserve this shit. I also realized I was the only one who kept triggering and remembering and I was the only one who could stop it. My friends and family have never brought up the topic until I do. They let me vent for a few sentences and then try to change the subject. This shit show has consumed my life and mind. I just want it to be over! I'm slowly getting there especially with the marital house selling. Thats a huge step!

Strength to you squid. It will be okay! You'll get through this like so many have before us!

My XW had multiple affairs, I even found 2 of the OM's were chefs that were friends on Facebook. Still not sure what to think of that.

I was a little worried at first how I'd handle it, but once dick-rider moved out I was so ready, my head unfogged, a huge weight lifted off my chest, and my healing went into warp speed. After awhile, I realized that I didn't know what she is up to and most importantly, didn't care. You can never utter those freeing words if you do the whole reconciliation thing... It only gets better from here, squid.

I eventually woke up one day and said "F*ck this! I'm slowly killing myself by letting her fill up my head and making me feel all these emotions. I was becoming exhausted and I was just sitting in bed. I don't deserve this shit. I also realized I was the only one who kept triggering and remembering and I was the only one who could stop it. My friends and family have never brought up the topic until I do. They let me vent for a few sentences and then try to change the subject. This shit show has consumed my life and mind. I just want it to be over!

Fuckin' A. That is precisely my life right now. This has completely consumed my life. I trigger unexpectedly all the time. I'm not sure if I can control it, but I do know I don't trigger as much with her not around.

Maybe this is the real her (the cheater) and she was just pretending to share my values. Again this is why I feel like maybe I was played a fool and my wife never 100% loved me. I also question if she knows what love is? I do know she knows how to love herself and be selfish and only cares about her own feelings (above her husband's, kids, family).

Again, 100% my mindset. I do think we were really happy once. But I'm not sure our views of love were the same. They're definitely not the same now. Right now she thinks love is just a feeling. Not something that you do with intent and unselfishly.

A few months ago she got grilled by her parents over the A and she told them that she didn't want to be with me any more - that R wasn't possible. Obviously, they were really upset and totally sided with me. After I was done speaking with them she said, "Sure, you're glad the way that call went because you got what you wanted."

Fuck it all. Fuck loyalty. Fuck just being there for someone. Fuck putting someone else before you. Fuck cleaning up the mess you made.

Yeah, selfishness run amok. Like the only reason I wanted us to stay together was only for me. Not for the kids. Not for our families. Not for happiness. Not for believing in forgiveness and compassion and love or the possibility of redemption and a better future. But my own selfish reasons.

Not eye-to-eye at all.

Randy,

I was a little worried at first how I'd handle it, but once dick-rider moved out I was so ready, my head unfogged, a huge weight lifted off my chest, and my healing went into warp speed. After awhile, I realized that I didn't know what she is up to and most importantly, didn't care. You can never utter those freeing words if you do the whole reconciliation thing... It only gets better from here, squid.

I can say that these past few days without her here have been more relaxing. I do wonder what she's up to, but not nearly as much as when she was here and looking at her phone, etc. Hell of a lot less triggering without her here.

Well, speaking of triggers. I'm in my office streaming Netflix, cuz you know, down time. And I just started watching a new comedy series called "Friends From College". First scene, 2 of the characters are in an affair together and are in bed. Perfect. Next.

[This message edited by squid at 3:35 PM, August 1st, 2017 (Tuesday)]

Hell of a lot less triggering without her here.

That's great! Baby steps!

When you are truly done (and not just "thinking" you "might" be done) you will know it with every fiber of your being. That doesn't mean you won't grieve the loss or be sad it didn't work out the way you had hoped, but it means you are ready to take definitive steps to move forward with your life. However, right now you are still mired in limbo - maybe I'm done, maybe I'm not, maybe she will come around, maybe she won't, maybe, maybe maybe. That is a soul-sucking place to be, and if you feel worn out and consumed by all this that is partially why.

As I said before, nothing changes until it changes. If you want out of limbo, you know what to do. When you reach that point, it will smack you upside the head and there will be no hesitation on your part.

A few months ago she got grilled by her parents over the A and she told them that she didn't want to be with me any more - that R wasn't possible. Obviously, they were really upset and totally sided with me. After I was done speaking with them she said, "Sure, you're glad the way that call went because you got what you wanted."

This happened on dday to my WW. Her mother yelled at her for over an hour on the phone asking why she's abandoning her children? I of course was blamed for it and she told me "Well I guess you're happy and pleased and continue to be the good guy....just like in the kids eyes"

In the 12 years I've known this woman she has never admitted to doing any wrong for anything! The affair magnified how self centered and selfish she truly is. She also takes zero responsibility for any of her actions! But she'll be the first person to tell me what I've done wrong. And usually whatever she criticizes me for she does the same exact thing.

Wow. I just read my last paragraph....yup that just solidified my decision to divorce....and move on.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 3:46 PM, August 1st (Tuesday)]

Squid I'm also beginning to think our WWs are sisters that were separated at birth! Kinda creepy how similiar our stories are.

In the 12 years I've known this woman she has never admitted to doing any wrong for anything! The affair magnified how self centered and selfish she truly is. She also takes zero responsibility for any of her actions! But she'll be the first person to tell me what I've done wrong. And usually whatever she criticizes me for she does the same exact thing.

This is exactly my life for the last 17 years. And really intensifying for the last 4 years. Before, I would kind of let it pass. Rose-colored glasses. She would accept responsibility. But NEVER culpability. That was always on me. And the hypocrisy! Don't get me started! But the A brought out a darker side. And now all I can see is how fake and how much of a liar she was before.

Squid I'm also beginning to think our WWs are sisters that were separated at birth! Kinda creepy how similiar our stories are.

Seriously creepy!

And the hypocrisy! Don't get me started! But the A brought out a darker side. And now all I can see is how fake and how much of a liar she was before.

I swear we are living the exact same life! My WW is a hypocrite but don't get me started either. My WW is also fake. She comitted adultry but continues to go to church as if nothing happened. She doesn't feel bad about not seeing her kids when it's her weekend, or bad about how much destruction she caused. (My family never got to say good bye) My sister and her were really tight. She just doesnt care she hurt so many people that cared for her....not just me and the kids.

Superdaddy, unfortunately it's not at all strange how the stories are so much alike. It takes an incredibly selfish and self entitled person to cheat on their spouse and family. They have all narrated away in their thick heads how they deserved it and how you didnt blow enough rainbows up their ass to make them happy. You will be lucky to get so much as a half hearted apology. But why would she apologize...she deserved hers, right?

Everyone here was inflicted with one of these never wrong types. What you wrote was my XW too and many others here that D. What the fuck can you possibly do with someone like that besides D? Take it as a lesson learned, stay away from these type of women in the future and you will be far happier.

Well, speaking of triggers. I'm in my office streaming Netflix, cuz you know, down time. And I just started watching a new comedy series called "Friends From College". First scene, 2 of the characters are in an affair together and are in bed. Perfect. Next.

I watched that series. Gave me some insight into the thinking or lack of thinking that goes into those types of relationships. Some of the characters reminded me of my stbxh and his friends. Didn't trigger me. I am always looking for TV shows that have stories more messed up than mine. Don't think I have found any yet. Maybe Scandal.

Man, these stories are all so similar. My WW remembers every slight I ever made whether real or imagined - quite a few are real - throughout our marriage but can't remember hardly anything about fucking AP.

She went to church with me and fucked COW AP that evening. After A was over but before DDays she was on the Joint Needs Assessment for four church charges and the ministerial search committee for the same charges. Fine upstanding Christian woman lying to her husband for years.

We aren't separated yet but it's getting closer. It's far better when she's away than when she's here. She's away being the loving mother and grandmother. But she's coming back. I think when she's moved out permanently it'll be even better.

Take it as a lesson learned, stay away from these type of women in the future and you will be far happier.

Thanks Randy! I think I'm swearing off women all together so i should be safe! Lol!

Squid,

I can say that these past few days without her here have been more relaxing. I do wonder what she's up to, but not nearly as much as when she was here and looking at her phone, etc. Hell of a lot less triggering without her here.

I agree 100%. The phone thing is a huge trigger for me. Went off all the time and I'd see her smile as she messaged back. And he'll this was up until the last week; just so blatant about it.

Yeah, selfishness run amok. Like the only reason I wanted us to stay together was only for me. Not for the kids. Not for our families. Not for happiness. Not for believing in forgiveness and compassion and love or the possibility of redemption and a better future. But my own selfish reasons.

Same thing here. She acted like my only reasoning was for myself not about any of those other things.

They like to paint us as selfish assholes too so they don't feel as bad about being total dicks.

Superdaddy,

my wife used to Fill up with so much anger when she heard one of our friends cheating. "How could they do that? Why would they do that? What a scumbag! If they aren't happy just leave! It shouldn't be that hard!" These are all things she used to say.

Two years ago my WW'S XSIL cheated on her brother while he was in Afghanistan and she had a fucking fit how sluty she was, then last fall her other brother cheated on his wife and she ripped him a new one for being a selfish dick and breaking up his family, and now....well you know why I'm here. The irony is I never thought one way or another about the subject. I mean I think is fucking wrong but I've never judged someone else for fucking up their own shit. She was so quick to do so.....then becomes the person she loathed. And I also don't think she 100% loved me.....she admitted in counseling that she said yes to marriage to me 16 years ago because I was safe. She admitted her life at the time was shit and I was completely stable and she thought she could grow to love me. Nothing like being lied to for 20 years.

[This message edited by Thefishman37 at 10:59 PM, August 1st (Tuesday)]

And I also don't think she 100% loved me.....she admitted in counseling that she said yes to marriage to me 16 years ago because I was safe. She admitted her life at the time was shit and I was completely stable and she thought she could grow to love me. Nothing like being lied to for 20 years.

Dude.....I'm sorry. That's a hard pill to swallow. But honestly it's probably better off this way if this is really how she felt. You deserve better man!

I'm sorry, fishman. That sucks.

My IC keeps saying that I was her "least worst option". She came from a poor family in a third world nation. Our IC challenged her recently saying that she probably never really loved me. She got super defensive and upset at that accusation. I really should have known what I was in for. Because over time, I realized that all of her siblings were broken and cheaters. She was the "good girl" out of all of them, but eventually she fell in line. Her FOO issues finally caught up with her. But she's got a huge blind spot regarding that. She sees her upbringing as normal and happy. But the writing's on the wall. She just can't see it.

[This message edited by squid at 3:46 PM, August 2nd, 2017 (Wednesday)]

I took the day off today. I slept maybe 2 hours, woke up just past midnight, and haven't been able to sleep.

WW comes here on her days off to hang out with the kids while I'm at work. I happened to be standing by our window when she drove past our house. I haven't seen her since last Friday when she was leaving our neighborhood to spend her 1st night at her place. We've maybe texted each other 3 times but only about logistics, kids, etc. She texted me "Good luck on your exam" on Monday.

I kind of felt bad that me taking the day off was interfering with her family time.

Squid

I kind of felt bad that me taking the day off was interfering with her family time.

I mean this in the nicest way possible:

Fuck her

This is in no way your fault. She is the one that cheated. She is the one that blew everything up. She is the one that fucked up, not you. So if she loses out some way because of that, too bad.

ETA - It does suck that your kids lose out spending time with her but again, not your fault.

[This message edited by ff4152 at 12:06 PM, August 3rd (Thursday)]