SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lux,

First, re: NYG...go a hard 180 now...for the rest of this season...reconciliation may be possible next season...

In short, if I notice that we both seem to be having a "good day," I stop and remind her why we should actually both be unhappy.

I don't take your words to mean that you want to be unhappy. Prefer to be unhappy. Do not want to be happy. Especially not as a means of justifying the future you chose for your M.

I take it as a statement of fact. You have a recognition that you're having a good day, when there is every reason to be having a bad day. And I'm not trying to shine a sneaker/polish a turd and put a too positive spin on it.

Ya know, the SI drill is honesty and transparency as an absolute expectation required of a WS. I think that your forthright honest expression of your feeling is good, healthy. For you. And for her.

The last few posters suggesting that LJ wants to be unhappy got it wrong. The man had no choice. His wife fucked a guy for a year at least once a week. This is not something you can choose to forget. So if he feels that he is projecting that everything is back to normal he has a right to pull back. And if his wife is sad, so be it.

Having said that, it is bothersome that he is running down an artificial clock, because some counselor suggested it. Sorry, but the counselor does not have to live this reality day to day. As I have alluded to elsewhere, I think this is a bad idea. I see no point in waiting simply because a stranger thinks it's a good idea. If the man wants out, then get out. Waiting for the sake of waiting, because someone somewhere thinks it's a good idea is bad policy. It creates false hope in the cheater, and grief and limbo in the cheatee.

Unless LJ is a lot less determined than he seems, the next six weeks is not going to work a miracle.

Finally, LJ, if you are not wearing a wedding ring, that is why you are being hit on. No mystery whatsoever. There is life out there! You are not heading to some wilderness of boredom and pain.

Well I'm a Raider fan so I've been betrayed by my wife and by my football team....twice.

If Mark Davis was an MC he would tell me to pack my bags and move to Las Vegas....and he might be on to something

Hi LJ

You will know that initially I found it too hard to post in your thread. It even got to the point where I could not read here anymore. For reasons that would take too long to explain now, I found an eerie similarity between our experiences. Reading in your thread took me right back, into the heart, of my own personal hell.

Well, I am now in a much better place. Rather happy in fact. I also sense that you are getting to the point in your journey where, you are nearing a better place. Even happiness might be closer than you might imagine. I think that, at this point, I could again share some of my experience and some of it might be helpful to you.

There are still some almost eerie similarities.

Your experience of so many women noticing you and flirting with you all of a sudden. I was caught quite off guard by something similar. In my JFO thread I related it as my “Multiverse experience”. We had lived, shopped socialised in the same neighbourhood for over 10 years. I had never noticed, or been noticed, by a single one of a bevy of beautiful, single women, that now, all of a sudden, were all around me. My grocery store trip went from one hour to three. Constantly being engaged in conversation and small talk. Having interest shown in me. Quite therapeutic for the old bruised ego I might add. My multiverse experience was triggered by the announcement of my decision to D. Yours, by taking off your wedding ring. Be careful, you are about to be called fresh meat. I learnt that it is meant as a warning, not an insult

Pies were used as a tool in an attempt to win my heart. In my case, cherry pies. My favourite, and rather delicious I might add. Enjoyed every crumb and put on a little of the weight that was lost during the infidelity diet. They never worked to win my heart though.

I then experienced something exactly like you have described in terms of where your relationship with your WW seems to have developed to. After considerable suffering, IC and bloody hard work coming to terms with what XWW had done to me and “us”, I eventually arrived at the point where I was no longer repulsed by the presence of XWW. We even got to the point where we had a few pleasant “date nights”. But they were never “date nights” in the true sense of the word. You know, where you book a table at a restaurant with good food and romantic atmosphere with the prime objective of spending time in the presence of the person you love.

For me, those were not pleasant evenings because I got to spend them with XWW. We were able to have those date nights only because I had gotten to a point where I was able to enjoy an evening of pleasant conversation, atmosphere, good food and good music, DESPITE the presence of my XWW.

I got to that point when I had dealt with the grief of the loss of our M and “us”. I had arrived at the point where I recognised that XWW had raped and murdered our M and “us”. It was dead. Was never coming back. I had grieved it, buried it and was beginning to get to the point where I was willing to again move forward with my life without the M or “us”.

When I got to that point XWW misinterpreted it as me reaching the point of being willing to move forward with R, when it was quite the opposite. I had reached the point where I was now able to move forward with D.

Some folk seem to be uncomfortable with you not acting immediately once you recognise where you want to go. It took me nearly a year to process what I needed to. Even once I had absolute clarity on my decision and the “rightness” of it, I still needed to execute it according to a well thought through plan. That is the way I do things. I sought guidance and advice. I was given some bad advice and some harsh criticism, but this was far outweighed by the good advice and support.

While this stuff is never easy, doing it my way worked for me. I think that we all, that is myself, my 2 Precious People and even XWW, benefited from the approach I took. From this you will know that I for one, fully support the approach you are taking.

You will know from my interpretation of your MIL’s message to you, that I am not always the best at interpreting the messages folk are giving but, I must say that, if I was receiving some of the posts that you are getting, I would be a little offended. Hopefully they are not intended in the way I interpret them. Just in case you are hearing them the way I am, I would like to say that, recognising that you will never find happiness staying with a WW that has hurt and disrespected you and murdered your M, with quite the brutality that ours did, is not a reflection on you. Does not imply that you are a week man. One who is so caged by his fragile male ego that he can’t get over something that a better man would find easy to do.

I see some implication that, if you are now not able to move strongly into R, the failure of the M will be on you. That is never the case. There is no M left to save. She brutally murdered it. None of it is on you. If you want you can let a WW try and win your heart from ground zero, but there is no M left that you can be responsible for allowing to fail.

Hope that somewhere in all of this there is at least something that resonates with you and you experience as support from me.

Ohfor

Oh, and despite the intense interest from that host of beautiful women, I stayed faithful until the D was done. It is who we are. We are not the cheaters. It is hard coded in our DNA

T/j

Ohfor,

In my case, I couldn't agree more. Once the 'reality' of infidelity set in, there was no marriage to save.

For some reason I picture ohforanewme casually wearing an ascot and drinking tea while typing out his posts.

I picture ohfor thumbing through a first edition of War and Peace, contemplating the woes of the human condition.

His measured advice on SI is always a plus. And, he'll forever be my hero.

The lion.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:56 PM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

Lux,

I lived the inforced deadline too. To start with it was me forcing myself to try to find reasons to stay with the my Ex. Because I loved him and his happiness had always been the most important thing to me. I took responsibility for saving a marriage that was dead. I made it my fault.

Once I saw who he really was and I stopped making myself ignore or explain away what I had seen then it took awhile to get my ducks in a row.

But what I want you to know is that I didn’t leave until I was mostly at peace with my decision to D. I say mostly at peace because I still had to grieve the marriage that he killed. But I knew I had done everything I could. I knew I wasn’t throwing anything good away. I knew I was ready.

Work through things at your own timeline. Lux you will know when you are ready and you will know the right choice to make.

I am still trying to find pride in myself again so those posters who say it is over rated? They have never had it beaten out of them and had to work so hard to recover it.

[This message edited by HardyRose at 5:34 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Hi LJ

I hope that you are doing okay. I truly do. I also, honestly hope that your recent silence on SI is not due to any offence that my last post might have caused.

But, I have a bone to pick with you.

It relates to you introducing me to “Kids in the hall”. I just can’t stop watching the dam things. One in particular is the cause of my contention with you.

Over the weekend our Rugby team finally won something. They beat France on Saturday.

Then it was announced that the Nigerian women’s bobsled team has qualified for the winter Olympics. Much celebration on the continent about this. The first African team ever to achieve this. Anyone with even only a vague sense of geography will understand that this achievement easily equates to that of the Jamaican’s some time back.

Then, last Wednesday I woke to the news that there had been a military coup in Zimbabwe. One of the countries on our northern border. Our company have considerable interests up there and that kept me rather busy last week. The president up there, has been under house arrest, his wife is on the run, in exile but, the generals that executed the coup are trying to do this in a somewhat civilised and compassionate 21st century way. Instead of the usual executing of the president they thought that they would let him just resign his post and then everyone could get on with their lives. So last night they organise a well-publicized broadcast to the nation where he will announce his retirement in a speech prepared for him. As he stands up at the podium, the bugger discards the speech handed to him by the generals and pulls his own speech out of his pocket. He rambles on incoherently, for a while, says nothing about resigning. Then says “good night” and sits down. Oh well, might have to resort to the old-fashioned way of dealing with presidents in these sort of circumstances.

With all this I should have plenty to occupy my mind but no! There is only one thing that I can keep thinking of. It is the Boys in the hall clip where they are standing on the bridge of a ship, and encounter an ice berg. This damn clip keeps playing over and over in my head. More persistent than any mind movie I ever had. Talk about triggers. It triggers my OCD.

Let me explain. In the clip they state that they are supposed to be sailing in the South Pacific. Due to a small navigational error, they end up instead at the north pole. In an attempt to try and figure out what might have gone wrong they then have a look at a map. This is where my OCD triggers.

You see, they point to the map and indicate that they should be sailing just west of Tasmania. Anyone with a reasonable sense of geography will know that the Indian ocean and the Pacific meet at the southernmost tip of Tasmania and anything to the west would be Indian Ocean.

I was wondering if you had any pull with the producers and could maybe get them to redo just that one scene with the appropriate correction.

LJ, I am hoping that this somewhat awkward attempt at being light hearted does not come at an inappropriate time.

Your internet buddy, Ohfor

(ps, that error does trigger the OCD so if you could get them to change it………)

I’m new to this site so not sure if I’m posting this under the right thread.

Is it normal to want to know every detail about the affair? Unfortunately it consumes me. I think about constantly. We are both young with 2 small kids who I adore. I’m just not sure I can continue this marriage with my current state of mind.

Roadrunner: please start your own thread. You’ll get great help if you do.

T/j

Ohfor,

You're a riot.

I only wished I could have witnessed the generals' faces when the president started in on his own speech.

Hey ohfor. No, my silence on this board hasn't been due to anything you said. I've just been busy with life and work and stuff.

Glad you've been liking or at least watching The Kids in the Hall. I looked into getting the South Pacific reference in the Captain sketch corrected to the Indian Ocean for you. Unfortunately, while I DO have tons of pull here in Los Angeles and could get pretty much any TV show you've ever heard of rewritten at the snap of one of my very-powerful fingers... unfortunately, The Kids in the Hall were based in Canada. I hold no powers there.

Hi LJ

Thanks for the willingness to help out but bugger, this trigger thing has just gotten worse.

Care to guess the nationally of XWW's AP?

Any chance that there is some sort of conspiracy against me up there?

Hey ohfor. No, my silence on this board hasn't been due to anything you said. I've just been busy with life and work and stuff.

Glad you've been liking or at least watching The Kids in the Hall. I looked into getting the South Pacific reference in the Captain sketch corrected to the Indian Ocean for you. Unfortunately, while I DO have tons of pull here in Los Angeles and could get pretty much any TV show you've ever heard of rewritten at the snap of one of my very-powerful fingers... unfortunately, The Kids in the Hall were based in Canada. I hold no powers there.

I'm based in LA also. And work in TV as does my STBXWA (wayward asshole). We should have some kind of 'Betrayed Spouses of LA' reality show. Or maybe just a bowling league at Highland Bowl.

Ohfor,

Canada.

Stay away from all things Canadian.

LOL

EDITED

[This message edited by parent4 at 3:03 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

We should have some kind of 'Betrayed Spouses of LA' reality show.

Rated 'VH1s Most Depressing Show' for the 3rd year in a row by TV Guide

No show can be more depressing than a re-do of Trump's Apprentice starring Arnold.

[This message edited by parent4 at 3:25 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

^^^^^^^^^

Oh really? Did you forget breaking bad? Naturally the critics loved it.

Caution: Major t/j here but I can't help myself.

With all the TV/L.A. people here, I have to ask:

I would like to view a Hallmark TV show from March, 1953, called The Accused, starring Sarah Churchhill. She plays the role of Mercy Holbridge, a woman who was convicted of being a witch in Fairfield, CT in 1692.

Mercy Holbridge was my XWH's 10th great-grandmother and I've taken quite an interest in the story and would love to find a copy of the show so my daughter and grand-daughter can see it.

Any advice about how I might find out how to go about locating it? I've tried everything I can think of but have had no luck.