SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi I am new here and this is my first time posting.

In april my wife had a talk about seperating. She seemed to expect me to say ok lets get divorced. I said we have been together 26 years. Lets not throw that away and keep trying. Her answer was "thats fine"

So over the next couple of months, we started working on talking with each other and spending more time with each and really trying to get to know each other again. She said she would be completely HONEST with me while we are trying to fix things. During these two months she also said she wanted to meet other people and she claims she had not met someone she cared about. They were all just "friends" Come to find out she had been on dating sites for six months dating back to october 2016.

In july 2017 d day hit when i found her sexting with another man. She said it was nothing, but i saw boobs and a camera when i walked in. She immediately started with the blame game, you walk up the stairs so quietly. why are you spying on me? blah blah blah. I was not angry, just hurt and shocked, I had thought we were making progress in our recovery.

She had claimed that she only started chatting with him in early June. I call bologny on that. Sexting after one month? (my wife has never very sexual in 26 years, even though i have asked for role play, toys, etc.

I have had my suspicions for months and just too oblivious to the situation. By no means am i perfect husband. I have made my share of neglect over the years. I think back and know some of the mistakes i have made.

So after D day she claims that she video chat with him very often( only when i am out of the house). She does text with him every min of the day. I asked her once, can you put the phone down and we can talk for a minute Her reply was "I have to respond to these texts" It was midnight by the way. I should have called her out right there( insert chump joke here). She had all the signs of an internet affair. turning the phone away or pressing the back button. Ignoring me when he texts.

For a couple of weeks now i have been in shock and i caught her one day when i came home early from work about a week ago with my ninja walking up the stairs. I overheard her saying I wish i was in bed with you. I did not hear what he said as she was probably wearing her ear buds. I heard her kiss something.

All the while having that teenage i am in love laugh. I ninjaed back downstairs and went out as my heart sank again for the second time D-day 2. I asked her that night did you video chat today. She reluctantly said yes and all she said was we talk about our day and kids and food and work. I was so internally angry, but i put up a good front as not to expose my knowledge of her infidelity.

Flash forward to present, august 6. We had planned a vacation and we are on it now as of august 6 This vacation is why i am posting on this site. I have learned that I am sharing this vacation with the other guy. She texts him everywhere we go without me in the pics, just my daughter and her. She checks her phone every couple of minutes and still does the turning phone away or the back button thing. I asked if she was having fun and she said yes.

Mind blown. She did something about an hr ago that shocked me. She showed me pictures of the other guy with one of his ex girlfriends, his ex wife and his kids and pictures of him. We talked about him for a minute. Not sure what to do? thats my story up to date. sorry for the rant.

[This message edited by bratwurst00 at 12:12 AM, August 7th (Monday)]

Your wife, unfortunately, has entered and is lost in the land of unicorns and rainbows. At this present point in time you are second, or third or fourth choice in her line of companions and relationships. You have a choice. You can:

(1) Tell her that since she is doing the "other man" thing that you want an open marriage so you can do the "other woman" thing.

(2) Get a divorce.

(3) Ask her if she wants to stay married and work it out. If she says no, then you have your answer.

Don't live with someone that doesn't love and respect you. I don't know how old you are but I am positive there are hundreds or even thousands of women out there that would be ecstatic to take her place. Because of the pain that cheating causes, a BS forgets that their WS can be replaced just as easily as they replaced you. Don't spend the rest of your life wondering, what if.... I do wish you well.

quick update. We are at a casino and i just caught her video chatting with her other man. She told me she was going downstairs to gamble and i went downstairs to smoke.

I am 45 and i have asked her if she wants to work it out. She didnt say no. She tells me i should keep trying. the other man is in another country,so she does want to meet him, but I feel like a backup plan. We plan to try marriage counseling. so confused. It also seems she just wants to avoid the subject and keep our family and her affair like two seperate lives. I had initially thought I was jealous, but this trip has made me realize that i am not jealous, just hurt and I can't trust her anymore because of all the lies.

I also do appreciate the advice because i am so confused.

Does she work?

As Sharkman asked, does she work or does she stay home all day sexting Casanova while you support her? If she doesn't work, who did she think was going to support her if you had agreed to the divorce she said she wanted back in April? Did she think you were just going to support her for the rest of her life while she lives in her own place acting like an idiot with her internet boyfriend all day and night long?

I have to be blunt.

The woman doesn't respect you at all. And sadly, the reason she doesn't is because you don't respect yourself. You've continually caught her up to no good with this assclown and have done nothing about it. She texts him constantly right in front of you and you simply ask her to 'put the phone down for a minute' when you need to talk to her. Come on Bratwurst, you even engaged with her in looking at pictures of this asshole with various people in his life and talking about him.

What do you hope to gain with such extreme passivity? You're allowing yourself to be completely and totally disrespected 24 hours a day.

You can continue being afraid to do anything or you can stand up for yourself and stop the disrespect.

Personally, right about now I'd be taking that phone out of her hands and throwing it into the ocean. She'd learn REAL quick who the hell is in charge.

She does this because you're too afraid to DO anything about it.

Time to flip the script.

She tells me i should keep trying.

Triangulation is the fuel which keeps illicit affairs exciting. Two people, both striving for the WS's attention and affection, both flattering, both dispensing what we refer to as "ego-kibbles" to the WS as they try to "win" her. Triangulation is kind of like a three-legged stool. Remove one leg and more often than not, it topples over.

If I were you, I'd see an attorney TODAY and I'd find out what divorce looks like. If you're still inclined to reconcile, lay out your terms for what it takes to keep YOU engaged in the marriage, meaning what kind of behavior you expect from her. If she fails to agree or comply, file for divorce.

A WS doesn't usually give up their fantasy or their ego-kibbles without a fight. In my own situation, I swung for the fence on divorce on DDay, and even though my fWH was the one who asked for another chance, I still caught him in contact with one of the OWs during that first month. At that point, he was either going to be 'all-in' or 'all-out' of this marriage, and not to be decided later, but right there on the spot. No more fence-sitting. He was 'all-in'.

My point is that they don't think you mean business until you actually do mean business. As long as you're pursuing your WW and trying to talk sense into her, you're feeding the very ego-demon you're hoping to vanquish. Cake-eaters will eat cake for as long as it's being served. The only way to stop them is to take the cake off their plate.

Yes. Sometimes your refusal to chase your WS will result in divorce. But believe me, if you have to beg them to love you, eventually you'll hate them for it anyway. You'll never convince yourself that you were Plan A and the doubts will eat you alive. Better to put up firm boundaries for what you're willing to tolerate and stick to them.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I just don't understand men today and I am a man. Why are you tolerating these horrible acts of cruelty and disrespect toward you?

Take the phone, shut it down and hide it, then watch the meltdown.

yes she does work. She gets to work from home. thanks for all the advice. I plan on a consultation with a lawyer when we get back. I do still plan to go to marriage counseling, since that is setup. I think she may have wanted a divorce a few months back so she could continue her rainbow and unicorn affair without me "in the way" I know i did not mention but we also have an 11 year old also. Maybe part of the reason i am trying to make it work?

Yeah my ex brought her online lovers along on our vacations too. She is lost in the fog time for you to get strong. Is the phone in your name? If so take it away right now. You need to get tough and put your foot down. Tell her no more sexting on the trip in front of you and your kid on this trip and if that is what she wants then she can move out when you return home.

Make it work

Just know that putting up with her stepping outside the marriage in ANY way is not "making it work".

Usually the only way to get them to see what they will be losing is to file for D and start moving forward with that process.

If she doesn't come to her senses then finalize the D and move on with your life out of her infidelity.

But if she finally sees that the AP is not her KISA and realizes the pain she has inflicted then maybe you can at that point start the multi year process of R.

BTW.... MC with someone who is actively in contact and thinks they are in love with someone else is a waste of time and money.

Instead find a good counselor who specializes in infidelity for yourself to help work through the pain she has inflicted.

Also read the 180 in the healing library and use it to start working on yourself.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:23 AM, August 7th (Monday)]

Have you exposed this to the world or are you keeping her dirty little secret?

It's quite a bit more complicated when you have children, but... as parents we are modeling adult relationships and marriage for our children. We do them no favors when we allow disrespect to be their model. Either they grow up emulating the perpetrator or the victim, but either way, they're not learning what "healthy" looks like.

We can't stay with toxic people for the sake of our kids or for our "sunk costs", because we then become "toxic" ourselves, polluting all we touch.

It's kind of like the pre-flight instructions you get when you fly. Put your own oxygen mask on first, otherwise you can't be there to help anyone else. Tolerating this kind of abuse will change who you are at your core. From there, this new, broken persona will extend into every relationship, including your relationship with your child.

On days when I'm mad at myself, it's because I put up with so much abuse before DDay, so much meanness, so much disrespect. In this, I let myself down. And sometimes, I'm still disappointed in myself for allowing it for so long. But what I've learned, after having studied the matter for several years, is that whether we choose R or D, we have to learn to love and respect ourselves in order to heal. It's a traumatic injury, and it's not fair. But just like any other wound, we have to do our own healing. We have to learn that even if no one else is trustworthy, we can learn to trust ourselves. All good things stem from the certain knowledge that no matter what else happens, we can handle it because we trust ourselves to be true.

Trust that you can stand up for yourself, that you can demand the respect you want and deserve, and still be a great dad no matter what the outcome of the marriage may be.

I do still plan to go to marriage counseling,

My man M counseling requires two people trying two work out their problems in their M who want to be there. Your WW is not interested and if she even attends will only spin lies and spew out all your M deficiencies to better justify her actions to herself & the M counselor. Your I says it all, Its only you onboard the sinking ship.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:16 AM, August 7th (Monday)]

She tells me i should keep trying. the other man is in another country,so she does want to meet him

How do you know OM is in another country?

We are at a casino and i just caught her video chatting with her other man. She told me she was going downstairs to gamble and i went downstairs to smoke

Are you sure OM is not staying at the same hotel? I have seen a lot of affairs culminated on a family vacation. Just saying.

Your wife wants to meet up with another man. Thats called a date. File divorce and let her date anyone she wants to. Why would anyone stay with a spouse that is in love with someone else but doesn't love the person they are married to.

You know in your heart that a person that loves you would never intentionally hurt you like this.

Forgot about the daying apps. You need to get tested for stds.

You also need to get three VARs.

Voice activated recorders. About sixty dollars each. Sony brand and lithium batteries. One in the bedroom, one in her car and one where she is working in the house.

This is way worse than you are admitting to yourself.

Having an 11 yr old is just an excuse to accept her abuse and beg her back. It never works. Shock ane awe may work.

Marriage counseling before she goes no contact is pointless. She just wants to string you along and shut you up about her affairs.

Wait a second. This is not a situation where you're uncertain and trying to figure out if there's an affair going on or not. Your wife is ACTIVELY having an affair, right in front of your face, and you are doing NOTHING about it?

Seriously?

I know you have a daughter - and it's tough to imagine the repercussions of blowing up your marriage. But, quite frankly, your wife is actively pissing on your leg and you are simply standing there, letting her do it. You are allowing her to send her boyfriend pictures of your daughter????

Vacation or not... I would absolutely put an end to this immediately. Do you pay for her phone? Call your carrier and have them shut it off. When she puts her guard down, grab her phone and tell her she doesn't get it back without telling you the passcode. Or... maybe even better, put your daughter in your car and drive home. Let your wife figure out how to get home on her own.

Dude - you need to grow a pair and take a stand. Your daughter will be fine. In fact, she'll be better than fine when she realizes that her Dad is a guy who will stand up for himself and not allow himself to be walk over. One day she'll look for those same qualities in a husband.

Let your wife know that she goes no contact, like, yesterday. And if you find out that she is still communicating with him... AT ALL... the next call that YOU will make will be to your attorney.

Please. Respect yourself.

@cincykid I have spoken to a few friends and family

4 in total that i trust to speak with.

ok time for James bond stuff. She went to sleep this morning and i got into her phone. I had spied the passcode and the code for we chat app. I am gathering evidence. i took screenshots of a bunch of stuff. This guy i know is in Singapore and i am in California. WS ( not sure of the terms yet as i am new to this) does not think its cheating. She said we agreed on an open relationship 4 months ago. TBH she may be right I cant really remember, but when someone keeps saying it, you believe to be true. The reason i say this now is she just brought it up this morning again

He is for sure not in this hotel.

One more lie she told just as an update. I asked about her video chat last night when i caught her after i spied on her phone. She said that she was gambling and then OM call WS, she left the casino to chat with him, but what i spied on the phone chat was that she asked him if he could chat because i am going downstairs now.

Part of me is still in shock since i only found out 2 weeks ago, plus i did not want to spoil my daughters vacation, but when i get back in a couple of days, i will start taking action.

one more thing. I am not familiar with the terms so can someone link me to a fact page.