I am sorry, I don't know all of your story, but it sounds as though your H is not putting your healing as a priority, that he is not truly remorseful.
Hy WH's IC told him his job was to answer all of my questions honestly, no matter how many times I asked, that he was to be patient, the timeline is mine alone and he had to put in far more effort than I, knowing sometimes his efforts would fall completely flat and I would not accept them i.e make dinner plans and then I don't feel like going. Those are things your WH should be doing for you, to help you feel safe and loved.
My WH had 4 LTAs over the span of 12 years of our now almost 22 year marriage. Writing that, I can't even believe I am still here, but I am, based exclusively on how he has handled things so far. I say this because I understand the feeling of stolen years, that I gave the best years of my life to someone who shit on them. My entire M became a farce, a lie. I had to work really hard to say F-You (well that part actually wasn't hard ), you don't get to take that from me too. I will not give the power of what has been good in my life to be tainted by a bunch of loose, immoral sluts and your selfish choices.
Every time I looked at a photo of my kids, I thought, hmm, he was f-ing Whore #3 when that was taken etc. It was awful and I was losing....again. I am tired of losing, so I changed my narrative to happy thoughts of when that picture was taken. It took time and practice and sometimes the intrusive thoughts would enter again, but I worked slowly to reclaim the life I thought I had. Was my WH cheating during that time? Yup, he sure was, but that is on him, he has to live with that and look himself in the mirror everyday. My history is still mine.
I think we all feel trapped to some degree. Trapped due to finances, kids, not wanting the "old life" to change...but it has changed, forever. It is hard to see the light through the darkness of where you are right now, but it is there.
You said you can't imagine finding someone else, that you are damaged goods and who would want that. You feel that way because this trauma has eroded your sense of self and your confidence, but the amazing person you are is still in there, she is likely just scared to be seen because that didn't work out so well the last time.
I read something the other day which really resonated with me "You can meet somebody tomorrow who has better intentions for you than someone you have known forever. Time means nothing, character does".
Please get help for yourself if you feel you are on the brink of a breakdown. Are you in IC? What you describe sounds very much like depression so I would suggest talking to your doctor as well. S/he may have some suggestions to help. You are being heard here and we are sending you strength and virtual hugs. You are stronger than you think possible. Make a small goal for today, work to achieve it, then repeat. Get outside for some nature therapy, take in deep breaths.
Change and being vulnerable are scary, but they can also be beautiful and freeing. To me, equally as painful is staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.
p.s. If I lived near you (and this wasn't anonymous) I would take you for a manicure, pedicure or to get our hair done. Something to make you feel beautiful and worthy. If you can afford it, call a friend and make a date for some pampering.
[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 11:12 AM, June 4th (Monday)]