Hell yes, but I am not about to let someone else enjoy the new and improved when I deserved it all along.
This is how I am currently feeling. My sister, the only other person that knows other than my IC, and I were just talking about this very thing. She is also a counselor by profession so she has been great. Lord, I could not have made it this far without her.
Right now, my H is being the man he was 20 years ago and if he is back, why would I throw him to the curb? I am still waiting to see how long it lasts, deep down I want to believe he knows what he is up against--what it is going to take to get through this, but he already failed miserably and I don't have faith in him anymore...it is so very sad.
She was a distraction, playground equipment for a broken man with no morals or boundaries.
I am using this!! I wrote POSOW a letter (didn't send it) but will probably go back and integrate this. I read my letter about every other day. It reminds me what a screwed up POS she is. Here's my favorite excerpt, it always makes me smile...am I weird?:
Here is some advice. If you can’t find a way to make this up to your husband and decide you want to end your marriage, next time have the damn courage and bravery and fucking conviction to find a divorce lawyer. That’s how moral people do it. Stop being an insecure, manipulative, malicious, weak human being that goes around inserting themselves into another family because they have to steal a life since they can’t make one on their own.
This is my water shed moment and this will be last time you will take up any head space. You see, I am confident and I am extraordinarily better than you in every way. I choose the hard road when it’s the right road. I don’t behave inappropriately with men just to validate myself. I rely on myself to make me happy and have a clean heart and a clean conscious. I don’t live with shame and guilt for destroying my family. I don’t manipulate others and formulate plans to destroy another person’s children and family. I don’t have to live with secrets and lies. I put others before myself and I definitely put my children and my family before my own needs – always. I don’t have to beg and plead for forgiveness for the rest of my life, from my spouse, my kids, or from God; I know where I’ll spend eternity. I live with integrity and my moral compass remains securely intact. There was and still is absolutely no comparison. Ever.
Until you have walked these shoes, the pain is only truly familiar to those who have experienced it and to suggest otherwise is insulting to those on the path of recovering.
Nail on the head. Last night was another awful night of tears and sadness. Our discussion moved to my fears and he was trying to convince me that he would never do this again because he can't believe how much pain he has caused. He told me he couldn't ever "do this" again and when he said that he waved his hand at and over me to show me he meant my disheveled shell of a body and tears. I told him that what he was seeing was nothing compared to what is going on inside. He just looked at me. No one understands unless they've been here.
Angry face=stay away, go do some dishes or busy yourself in some way which I would want, check back in 15 minutes
Sad face=Ask if I want a hug and apologize again for your ridiculously poor and self serving behaviours.
Happy face= Count your blessings I am still here and be the best damn partner you can be.
I think this would help my H! He probably would love to have some direction without having to ask. I walked around on eggshells for YEARS, now he is and he is having a hard time with it.
And, to just go back to not wanting to give up the "better" man to someone else....as I am contemplating what I want to do, I keep thinking about things that he has told me. One point, during a "pity party for one," I told him that "It's NOT FAIR!" He replied with telling me "You know what's not going to be fair? I am going to forever treat you like a princess, no one will be treated better than you. You took care of me for twenty years and I am going to take care of you for the next twenty. We are not going to have the complacent marriage that everyone else has and everyone is going to be jealous of you for the wonderful husband I am going to be."
So, if this were the truth and this were to happen, can I live with the pain and disappointment in him and live with facing my murderer every day, live with triggers, and not just set myself free? Are those things worth what he is promising?