Marz, Amanda, Steady, Ripped, DIFM (does it mean Do it for me??), I hear you. Thank you, I wasn't seeing this, and I think there is lots of truth in what you say, and you all agree.
I am stuck in a cycle of not stating my needs, then getting pissed off because he is doing it wrong or not at all. And I keep doing it. I am not good at making demands - I put him and then my kids before myself for 26 years, and then my work etc… I’m not a martyr by a long shot, I just haven’t spent time with me. Here are some things I can think to ask for ... I will honestly tell you that I am so disgusted by what he did, while I’d love intimacy (because I have been lonely as hell for way too many years), I can’t. Sometimes I can’t even look at him.
While writing this list of expectations for R,as you can see, I had some emotional (oops) diversions. Is this something that I should share with him – in a modified form of course? What’s missing? My head is all about emotions these last few weeks - it's exhausting. And seriously I am so practical this is ridiculous for me.
1. No lying. Ever. Deal breaker.
2. Go to IC and figure out why you did this, why you didn’t respect me enough to ask for a divorce when you were in love with another person, why you put our family in danger, why you broke up with her so often and then went back to her even after DD1. Why did you sleep with her again. Deal breaker. Please figure out how to be someone you respect.
3. Own what you did. Tell me why so I know that it won’t happen. Dig deep. Own it to the boys. Deal breaker.
4. When I trigger comfort me. Or let me scream at you. Apologize for crushing my soul and being relentlessly selfish for well over 5 years. Offer comfort not anger. It’s not about you, it’s about how hurt I am. If you can’t, leave the vicinity or if it is not for you period, simply leave.
5. Tell me weekly that there has been no contact. Stop making me ask, I hate it. Tell me if you want contact, don’t hide it. If you want her or someone else tell me immediately, that’s ok, you can have your dream.
6. Stop telling me that if we want R or to be happily married badly enough it will happen. I never wanted to be an LTA victim, guess what? That happened.
7. Understand I don’t have to love you – love is a gift and it happens when you act lovingly to someone you respect and enjoy. You killed mine. R/love is a gift that is constantly given again each day. Earn it.
8. Where are you? If your plans change, send me a picture, text me or call. Even 30 minutes.
9. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Do not forget it because you are down and never deliver. This is for house choirs, or even cooking dinners. ( asked for 2 times a week, down to nothing again). This makes me resentful, I’m not your freaking mother.
10. Text regularly – and don’t get upset if I don’t always respond. I think about this all the time, sometimes I simply hate this and sometimes you.
11. Do not complain about having no privacy. You should want to show me how good you are. Get an app to show me that there are no deleted emails, texts etc. that I care about. And Hand over the PW to your work computer.
12. Do not spend any extra time in the AP’s city. - He now works 15 minutes from where she lives.
13. Put me first. Make dinners, offer to do things for me – like get groceries, run an errand etc, even if it is the last thing you want. At a bare minimum be a considerate room mate
14. Keep your ring on at all times, tell everyone that you are married. (He used to leave his ring in the car with AP. Saw hundreds of ringless photos). If you want it bad enough… Deal breaker
15. Don’t tell me how to fix this mess – you don’t know either. Ever. You broke us. Admit it.
16. Tell me why you want to R and what you think you should be doing. (Be real, because I know a lot of people smarter than me on SI that have seen it all and can sniff out BS better than me).
17. Give me a copy of all financials. Deal breaker
18. Take care of your health – exercise, sleep and eat.
19. No more punching walls, pounding on tables, or kicking cabinets. Control your anger, or it will hurt us.
Well, I'm exhausted, I am sure you are too reading all that stuff. On a lighter note, I started the day off right - car wouldn't start on a Monday, and I wore my sweater inside out for 2 hours this am. I'd be happy if that was all the problems I had to think about. Oh it would be heaven.
Wearing reversible tomorrow.
[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:18 PM, January 7th (Monday)]