SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted this in the ICR forum but also wanted to post here, as this is the first update on my situation in a few months. I welcome responses from all, 2x4s or whatever...I can take it.

Well after months of MC, IC, medication and the rollercoaster I was unwillingly strapped into I find myself a part of another club. One I made the decision to join, for better or worse.

I posted my full story in my profile and this is the original thread from JFO:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=604089&AP=1&HL=58446

An update: We are currently 4 weeks away from our wedding date. Most all preparations are finished. I just had my bachelor party last weekend. It has been up and down to say the least, but I had been toying with the idea of an RA from D-Day. I never thought I would go through with it (despite actively joining and participating dating sites/apps, trolling craiglist and escort sites), but I finally did.

I currently have mixed feelings about everything. On the one hand, I feel somewhat righted, as if things have now balanced out in my relationship. On the other hand, I don't know where to go from here. My WW/BW does not know, (although I expect she is just waiting for me to have an RA based on conversations with her and her overall demeanor) and I don't know if I should tell her and end things, tell her and NOT end things, just end things altogether, or continue on in the RA without telling her.

My AP is a very attractive single woman, who herself just exited a long term relationship. She has quickly grown fond of me and is someone who I share a lot in common with. She also has young children, and is unaware of my current relationship status. As of now, I have walled myself in to prevent an EA, but fear continuing with the PA will ultimately lead to the EA.

I have never cheated in a committed relationship, until now. Talking with my therapist, we came to the conclusion that my personality type would most likely be unable to fully begin healing until I was able to get some sense of justice. I don't know what is worse, having involved myself with my AP in a PA, or feeling better about my overall situation having done so. Any advice is welcome.

Hurt,

I am sorry you have gone through this. I know deep down you know that two wrongs simply don't make a right. It doesn't sound like you should get married.

Recovering from being cheated on is very very hard under the best of circumstances, but your situation sounds like the two of you are not suited for marriage.

At the very least, if you really think there is a future in this relationship.. you need to tell her the truth, you both need counseling, and the wedding needs to wait. Secrets withheld before marriage do not age well.

Don't string AP along. It's not fair. She is unaware of your relationship status? No. You have to end that. And if you can't, then back out of your relationship with your fiance.

don't get married is my advice.

also, tell your fiance.

then figure out why you are a person who is ok lying to someone, no matter what they did.

don't get married is my advice.

also, tell your fiance.

then figure out why you are a person who is ok lying to someone, no matter what they did.

Good succinct advice and spot on!

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 1:41 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

How nice that you were able to have your therapist validate your poor and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sheesh! Where some of these so called therapists/IC's/MC's/counsellors get their training must be the Walmart of shools.

You are using your AP and turning her into an unwitting OW. That is despicable.

You need to tell your fiancé about your infidelity. I would suggest that neither of you should be entering into a marriage. How ridiculous that you are planning a marriage.

This was a dealbreaker for you. Instead of losing your integrity you needed to do the honorable thing and end your relationship. There is no justice to be had when one is betrayed. There just isn't. I studied the subject long and hard as I have a very strong sense of justice/injustice. By fucking someone else that is justice? Ugh! Trying to hurt someone that you supposedly love in the way you were hurt is justice? I get the feelings, but to follow through is just so much more deplorable than the original betrayal, imo. You do it knowing how devastating it is, how soul shattering it is.

Any advice is welcome.

Find a good IC and get some therapy. Don't get married. Confess.

ETA: The OW in our situation fucked my FWH 3 weeks before Its wedding and about 3 weeks after Its wedding. Their marriage lasted a few years only. I can't imagine why.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:46 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

I can't comprehend this.

I see you have two children, I assume with your fiancee?

What a mess you have made for those poor kids. You and your fiancee.

And you've used another woman to get your "justice." She has no idea she's been made an OW.

Damn.

Yes. Tell everyone the truth. Hold off on the wedding. Find an IC who doesn't tell you what you did was ok. And work on becoming a man your children will one day be proud of.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:50 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

don't get married is my advice.

also, tell your fiance.

then figure out why you are a person who is ok lying to someone, no matter what they did.

+1

Please postpone your wedding. It is not fair to you or your SO to enter into M at this point.

Secondly, I side with those who say you need to confess. You can not move forward in your R without an honest starting place.

Regardless of whether you decide to R or end that relationship, please end it with the AP. The poor girl just got out of a long-term relationship and you used her to even the score in your own troubled relationship.

I think you know deep down that having a RA didn't 'right' a darn thing. It just muddied the waters even more.

Please take some time to weed through all this. Do not let the ticking of that M timeclock make you rugsweep.

I'm not sure how you feel better by dragging an innocent person into this. Maybe the reality that you actually did this hasn't hit you yet. This isn't justice. You need a new IC. You also need to tell your fiancé. How do you get revenge if she doesn't even know? From what you have written you are betraying your fiancé and your AP due to the fact that you were betrayed. I have thought about having an RA. A lot. The intention I would have by doing this would be to hurt my WH. In this fantasy I would use the same hotel he used (maybe even hit the same bar) and I would call and tell him before I ever left the hotel. I might call before I left the room. Probably would send pics. The thing that has kept me from doing this is how do I drag an innocent person into a huge mess? I would have to tell this person the intention behind my actions. They would have to agree to my agenda and then I would wonder what kind of man would do that. What you are doing is despicable.

Are you serious 'hurtpenguin'?

Your SO causes a train wreck, you get hurt, and then to get even you cause another one? And now you feel better? Holy shit.

1. Don't get married

2. Stop procreating

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 2:43 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

**Posting as a member***

Talking with my therapist, we came to the conclusion that my personality type would most likely be unable to fully begin healing until I was able to get some sense of justice.

And what about the innocent woman you used? What justice does she get?

IMHO, what you have done is even more egregious than what your GF did. You don't get to say "she did it first" or "it was only a revenge affair". Nope, not even close. You pursued all the avenues available to make this happen. You made a conscious decision to cheat. It doesn't matter if you never cheated before. You are now officially a cheater, so own it.

Do not get married. End things with the innocent woman and at least have the balls to be honest with her when you do. Take the money and the time to find a better therapist and work on you. You aren't a healthy partner for anybody at this point.

Hurt, I remember your story.

I understand the justice thing fully. My advice as a fellow MH to another: Tell your fiance everything, whether you plan on ending it with her or not (you might even get a sense of pleasure in this- I wouldn't blame you). If you decide you don't want to end things with your WS, postpone the wedding atleast a year, you really should have done this after you found her to be a cheater. Let your AP know your situation and end it (never start a relationship built on lies). The truth will set you free. You did what you needed to do, but you need to be honest with everyone.

Talking with my therapist, we came to the conclusion that my personality type would most likely be unable to fully begin healing until I was able to get some sense of justice.

Hmm...ok, so what happens when a guy with your personality type steals another persons sense of justice?

Welcome to the club. Great isn't it? You are now everything you allegedly hate. Oh, and wait, it gets better. You just used another human being to nut off. She's clearly single and attached to you. That's great, I hope you have enough courage to tell her, Just kidding I was only using you because that's exactly what you did. You should have gotten an escort who knew exactly what the deal is.

In case no one ever told you, using human beings is WRONG, married, single or not. It's just wrong on every level.

Do not get married. It isn't fair that your FWW does so without knowledge of the truth. You are choosing to marry her KNOWING what happened. You have not afforded her the same right.

I'm sorry this is snarky, people using other people makes me crazy. I've been in that position myself. It sucks.

but fear continuing with the PA will ultimately lead to the EA

Huh? This statement baffles me. Do you really believe that your are not emotionally attached to the OW?

As others have said...don't get married.

Stay with IC, confess and either end your relationship with your BGF/WGF or the OW or both and allow yourself to heal.

RA could turn out to be a vicious circle for you and your BGF/WGF. Stop the insanity.

Hurtpenguin, I get it. I really do. I was never even close to being a "cheater", had my boundaries right during my first and second marriages, yet I became a MH too after DDay. It wasn't right, of course I know that too. I understand the emotions behind it. I understand feeling like you're evening the score, though it really doesn't. I even understand how it keeps you able to be in the relationship because I know I couldn't be trying to R had I not done it. Maybe that makes both of us unhealthy people, but it is what it is.

You have to be honest with your fiancee and the AP. Whether you stay together or not, no more lies. The AP doesn't deserve it at all even if you can justify doing it to your fiancee. I lied to my AP (who I knew for all of an hour) and told him I had a free pass because my husband cheated. I feel more guilty for involving him than anything because there was no way I could know that I didn't have any kind of STD from my WH then. We make awful decisions after trauma and we have to look into ourselves and figure out why that was what we chose to do.

I absolutely second everyone with at least postponing the wedding. You two aren't ready for all that yet.

My AP is a very attractive single woman, who herself just exited a long term relationship. She has quickly grown fond of me and is someone who I share a lot in common with. She also has young children, and is unaware of my current relationship status.

This is so unfair. You are using this unsuspecting woman to get back at your WF. Tell the truth to all parties.

Welp, now you're no different than your WS. Soooooo...you owe it to her to tell her. You probably shouldn't get married. I mean, if you really wanted to be married, you wouldn't of sought out a RA--why would you want your future wife to hurt the way you did/do? And you describe your AP as attractive and you have a lot in common with her. I meAn...go be with her? But know she's the type that is cool sleeping with a taken man. Also, your therapist is nuts. Your personality type needs justice? Okie doke. If you know that, why didn't you work to keep yourself from stooping instead of stooping? My fWH cheated. I've never wanted a RA. I know my worth. You have to work to get me.

Welp, now you're no different than your WS.

Really? You think he is as culpable as the one who unilaterally decided to open up the marriage or relationship in the first place?

Some people I have heard couldn't have tried to R without madhatting it some and getting a little justice. Who are we to judge what works best? Without divorce, what consequences can a wayward realistically get? A bunch of MC and angry looks? Why is the marriage open for her but closes for him on dday? Sounds like a shitty deal to me.

That said, he did his unknowing AP wrong. He needs to correct this immediately. Own your shit, dude.