SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You didn't want to halt the marriage, yet you sought to hurt terribly someone you're now planning to marry. Does that sound like love?

And OMG the rationalization with the OW. She deserves to be lied to and used because she's on a dating site and likes sex? Wow.

That really blows me away. Do you even like women?

...actions should have consequences. This has been a reoccurring theme in IC and MC, and what we have concluded was one of the last real barriers standing between me and the path to forgiveness of my WW.

A 'revenge' affair?

hurtpenguin, I tried to help you when your first arrived here but I'm going to give you a warning right now that I'm about to swing one hell of a fucking 2x4 your way.

This is the most pathetic post I have ever read in my two plus years here on SI. I'm not going to sugar coat this one fucking bit. What you've done is absolutely appaulling. What really pisses me off is that you've hard the nerve to come here, to us on SI, and fucking whine like the wretched worm that you've allowed yourself to become.

You let this beat you, friend. You FAILED to learn the lessons, failed to understand what you had to do, and you're just... failing miserably all together.

Revenge?

Bullshit!

Get you fucking shit together. Be a MAN! Stand up. Tell your fiancé what you've done and WHY! Tell this OW the truth and send her packing.

GROW A PAIR!

I guess a bit of a t/j here.....

But I am having issues with attaching the "OW" label to someone who has sex with someone she has no idea is married.

I mean, I get it that she is the other woman as it turns out.

I dunno. I guess when I see "OW" I think of SOMEONE getting involved KNOWING the other person has a SO.

One other comment:

For individuals who believe in "tit for tat" I would like to say that is your choice and your right. But to use it in the connotation of a committed relationship.....uhhhh, no. I just don't see how it applies.

You are no better than your, fiancée.

Actually, in my opinion, what you did was worse. See, when your fiancé cheated, she didn't know exactly how you would feel. She wasn't doing it to deliberately hurt you. She was selfish and didn't think through the potential consequences of her behavior but she didn't say to herself "How can I cause hurtpenguin the most pain he's ever felt?" and then follow through with an affair.

You had a revenge affair which makes your thought process not only selfish but calculated to cause maximum pain. You set out deliberately to hurt your fiancé knowing exactly how it would feel. If you think that's love, you're in for one hell of a life of misery because you don't understand love at all.

Add to all that the fact you also didn't give a fuck if someone else who had nothing to do with you and your girlfriend's behavior got hurt. Someone who really likes you is getting fucked over royally because she took you at face value not knowing that you had no values.

By the way, I don't buy the "revenge affair" bullshit, either. It's not really revenge if you do it in secret and the person you are trying to hurt knows nothing about it. I think you're just trying to find an excuse to justify your shitty behavior and revenge affair makes it sound okay.

Good luck with taking responsibility for your actions. Oh, and by the way, if actions have consequences, what do you think the consequences should be for yours given that if it was a revenge affair, as you claim, your actions were premeditated with the specific intent to hurt someone?

And what do you think the consequences should be for your failure to consider the collateral damage to an innocent person who just happened to really like you? Oh, yeah, just the act of wanting to date someone makes her not innocent. She deserves to get used for being on a dating site or choosing to have sex right away.

I hope your therapist doesn't let you off as easily as you seem to be letting yourself off. If you truly love your fiancé, you will give her the opportunity to decide her future knowing all the facts. And if you have any sense of decency as a human being, you'll be honest with the girl you've been stringing along.

This is how an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 11:21 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Hurtpenguin,

As I stressed before, you can take all the time in the world to come clean to your WS. IMO while having a RA is wrong I have serious doubts about being fare…

The thing is that it is never going to be fair. Her Affair happened while in a healthy and supporting relation. Your affair is happening in an already broken relation.

She was not willing to stop it, she got caught. It would likely still going on haven’t you read those texts.

She sees and interacts with her AP on daily basis (I assume as she is his boos). Unless your AP moves in with you you don’t have to see her. This is very difficult matter IMO as your WS hasn’t change jobs, as her AP boss she cannot do a thing at HHRR, even asking AP to move to another area must be considered an abuse of power...this is a very shitty situation

You WS is expecting (hoping or fearing) for you to have a RA, your never expected for her to have one.

….

What I strongly recommend considering your “situation” is a PRENUP. This way you can protect your DDs and yourself. You have invested a part of your life supporting her and IMO it shouldn’t go unrewarding in case your relation finished.

Regarding your AP, I reiterate my opinion that you should be clear about your situation in case you, or your AP, are getting emotional attached (BTW a really bad idea as it may be a rebound relation for yu and for her). If it is just sex and having a good time IMO you can keep it!!!! I know some people may think it is wrong, unethical, lower yourself to the level to the person you are going to get married…but you know what, her affair was even less fair, she facing no consequences is less fair, she putting you in a situation that you may end without income is not fair, etc.

Other thing,

If a sense of justice is important for you, maybe her affair was a dealbreaker…

There is a very enlightening thread in other web about revenge Affair. It is not your situation by far (this RA was with the APS) but has some similarities (the need to stay).

To read it, google revenge affair and Lorenzo, you will find it.

Goodluck

Ah hell. I am so sorry to hear this news. I commend you for being truthful about it and confessing/letting us know. I think that you know that you need to tell your WF and do it ASAP. Just think about it. You really cannot go through with this wedding while you're hiding a secret this size. If you want any chance of having this marriage work, of finding your way to a safe partnership between you and your WF, you have to sit her down and tell her the truth.

And no matter where you met your AP, be it in church, at the local bar, or via a hook-up app, she deserved and deserves the truth of your relationship status. Lying to get into someone's pants, essentially to use and manipulate them into a false "lay," if you will, is not the action of an honorable man. You took her choice of being an unknowing OW away from her. You simply made her one. Just like your WF took your choice of being in an exclusive relationship away from you. Just think about that and let it sit for a while. You're acting in the manner of the person who tore your life up. You made the decision to lie to get into someone's pants. You know that this isn't right.

Had I wanted to halt the marriage I would have done so in April after DDay, not 4 weeks prior to the wedding

But this isn't your exclusive choice anymore. You may not want to halt the wedding because of your actions, however by not giving your WF the truth of your actions, you take away her right to choose to marry or not. You are, IMO, setting yourself up for a failed marriage. You have a chance to jointly, work through all of the betrayals and form a partnership that is supportive of both of you and your children. You cannot do that by entering into marriage with this secret. It will come out at some point. Please don't do this to you, to your WF, and your children. Pick yourself up, be truthful, and take it from there. All of you, are worth the truth and, more importantly, the potential of becoming a family where truth, love, and support are markers by which all of you are known.

^^^ This.

I wish you the very best of luck hurtpenguin. However I fear you need a lot more than just luck my friend.

Please remember to post respectfully and refrain from attacking and namecalling.

Pfffft.

A 'revenge affair' indeed.

IMO, there is no such thing as a 'revenge affair'. An affair is an affair is an affair.

I agree with many that there is no 'AP' or 'OW' in this situation. There is simply a woman who has been lied to by an immature 'man'. The saddest part of this is that she HAS CHILDREN. So perhaps, SadPenguin, you could climb off your victim wagon and think about someone other than yourself.

I suspect that the OP is simply worried about his future income when he states so (non)eloquently his many reasons for not cancelling his marriage.

Unhinged said:

This is the most pathetic post I have ever read in my two plus years here on SI. I'm not going to sugar coat this one fucking bit. What you've done is absolutely appaulling. What really pisses me off is that you've hard the nerve to come here, to us on SI, and fucking whine like the wretched worm that you've allowed yourself to become.

I'd say that it's the second or third most appalling post I've seen in my (way more than two years) time here.

The first was a BW's post about hating her husband's child from his first marriage and how she tried to be nasty to that 7(?) year old girl because she was a 'bitch' and wanted to hug her father. Luckily, she was banned in short order.

I'm not saying anything about your finance, HP. I don't care about her at all, unless you marry her in order to keep cashing in her checks. That, to me, isn't right for a woman to do and it certainly isn't right for you.

Please make this right and be honest.

[This message edited by FinallyHappy at 4:39 AM, September 15th (Friday)]

I guess, being that this was a revenge affair, that all scores have been settled, and everything is now even.

Starting off with a cleannnnnnn slate......

I actually think you two should get married. You sound perfect for one another. Is there any possibility the kids could live with grandma and grandpa? They shouldn't be a part of this.

First of all, that is not how open marriages work. Second, so if the BS discusses this with the original WS and they agree to have an open marriage, that is different, and not a RA. Third, so does the original WS get to continue to fuck their AP? Because that is how "Open Marriages" work. Fourth, because the WS broke vows doesn't somehow invalidate your personal vow. A vow is a vow. Because someone else chooses to dishonor themselves by breaking a vow they made doesn't absolve you from your vow. Look, the vow wasn't "I promise to be faithful until you fuck someone else." At least, that isn't the vow we/I made.

A justification is a justification is a justification. In the 7 years I have been here at SI this RA subject has come up countless times. The only "reasons" that people who are pro RA can come up with are justifications. There wasn't a justification for our WS's to have an affair and there is no justification for BS's to have an affair.

I'm not pro-RA by any means and I can gladly admit that mine was a mistake. I got no joy from hurting my WH. Where we disagree is that I don't remotely think that the BS owes the WS fidelity after infidelity. That ship has sailed. The vows of the marriage are joint and they are broken. My marriage existed on paper only as far as I'm concerned once he cheated. My WH can continue to cheat if he likes, but he will be single on paper as well if he does so. If I did it again, I'd be single on paper too. The marriage comes back into some sort of legitimacy when both spouses decide to R and begin to heal from it.

To say that the BS is as bad as or even worse than the WS for having an RA is beyond my comprehension.

the fact that he broke his vows doesn't mean i can break mine, as far as I'm concerned. I held true to them. my integrity still stands.

and if I think an affair is all fun and games and excitement - thats not really what I hear from WS on here. not to mention the huge betrayal to oneself. no thank you.

[This message edited by sewardak at 9:09 AM, September 15th (Friday)]

I read your first thread. Your ww is remorseful,willing to do anything you need, owning her shit,takes full responsibility, and has done the things most betrayed spouses ask of their WS.

Yes, unless something changed, she continues to be the other man's boss. But she does so with your permission and encouragement. Because you're stay at home dad,and don't want that to change.

At least she is remorseful. At least she didn't use an unknowing person to get off on. At least she's been honest.

Cheating is cheating. I've read around here that there's never an excuse to cheat,and no one deserves to be cheated on. Yet a lot of people on this thread are saying it's ok to cheat in some circumstances. And some people deserve it.

But,where does that rationalization begin and end? And who gets to decide if cheating is ok,and deserved? I've read that some BS were told they were cheated on because of weight gain. Some because they never learned to cook eggs. Are those WS justified? But..but..what if the WS REALLY likes eggs?

Then it's ok?

Of course not.

And neither is it ok to toss your integrity aside and use another person because you're hurt.

"The marriage comes back into some sort of legitimacy when both spouses decide to R and begin to heal from it."

so why lie about it then? he found out about hers but she doesn't get to find out about his? doesn't she get to make a decision as well?

"Yet a lot of people on this thread are saying it's ok to cheat in some circumstances."

yep. I just don't get this. and they say they were wrong but then justify it. smh.

[This message edited by sewardak at 9:14 AM, September 15th (Friday)]

Now she cheated, you cheated, you have both lied and hid major events, you lie to your OW, yourself and your girlfriend......

What are you saving?

I think if you cannot walk away from either women, you should at least post pone the marriage for a few years....this is no way to start a relationship...Nobody is ready for marriage.

My H did this....I never cheated...he became a serial cheater...he justified every A, with a reason...there is no reason good enough to cheat...its a lie to yourself. EVen RA. She may have cheated first, but you are the same...exact same.

And forget about wedding plans...embarrassed to cancel them, let others know...this is the worst reason to go into a marriage....

Walk away.....date if you want...work on yourself...figure out why this happened...why this was your answer to a problem. IS this the marriage you always thought you would enter? Accept the end.

30 years from now, you will look back and see how young you were...how wrong this was....

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:36 AM, September 15th (Friday)]

"The marriage comes back into some sort of legitimacy when both spouses decide to R and begin to heal from it."

so why lie about it then? he found out about hers but she doesn't get to find out about his? doesn't she get to make a decision as well?

"Yet a lot of people on this thread are saying it's ok to cheat in some circumstances."

yep. I just don't get this. and they say they were wrong but then justify it. smh.

Agreed, there should be no lying about it. I don't know that I'm justifying what I did. I shouldn't have done it. I know that when I did it I didn't see that I had a marriage and was leaving. Maybe that's a justification, maybe it was just my reality at the time. I didn't do it trying to R. It happened on DDay and I certainly wasn't in my right mind. I woke up the next morning and broke up with my WH party because of what I had done and my realization of how messed up I clearly was, and only decided to stay when he broke down and wept.

It's a thorny issue for sure. It's kind of like being punched in the face. If you get punched and punch back, are you as guilty as the one who hit you first? Matter of personal opinion, I guess.

IMO, people need to get off their fucking high horse.

His wife cheated on him first so why are people so fucking worried about her feelings? She nuked their relationship. Just because she didn't intentionally nuke it because she was some fucking dog in heat that craved attention and sex from another man, doesn't make her somehow not a shithead. Everyone's spouse or partner was the same fucking dog in heat, did you give them that excuse. They all knew what they were doing when they lied and were putting at risk or they wouldn't have lied, hid, deceived and manipulated. He didn't ask to be put in this position but he was, and all the moral compass bullshit didn't help him, getting some revenge did.

Look this OW hes know for one whole week! Basically, he had sex with some random woman that wanted to get laid. If either of them had any intention of making this into something more than it was, then they wouldn't have hopped into bed the first date. I don't even think telling her she is an OW is constructive at all, unless you just want to hurt someone, whats done is done, just ghost her. You both used each other to feel better, leave OW alone.

Now he gets to experience the real reason of an RA, telling your fiancee that you got her back and even liked it. Maybe the imbalance you felt is fixed, maybe your wedding plans have been nixed. Trust me, you will be a lot better off calling everyone telling them the wedding is off than going through the whole divorce bullshit.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 10:02 AM, September 15th (Friday)]

I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that they initial cheater didn't intentionally nuke the relationship when they cheated. None of them were so dumb as to think that their spouse would be cool with it or they wouldn't have lied to cover it up. They knew they were nuking it if they got caught. They just didn't care enough about that at the time.

Randy, I feel your situation is different than the OP"s.

You had your "revenge affair" after a few weeks of dealing with an unremorseful WS,and divorce was happening.

That is different from having a "revenge affair" on a remorseful, doing the work,etc, WS. Which is what he has. They are supposedly working on reconciliation. And he's not planning on telling her. So that also means he gets to remain on his high horse,hold her accountable, and keep his dirty secret to himself.

It's not the same as your situation.

Also, if I recall correctly, your RA was with an escort. So you didn't use a woman to get off,get revenge, etc. The escort knew full well she was being used. The woman in his situation didn't.

And,having sex the first week after meeting someone doesn't mean shit. I've been married twenty years. We had sex six days after our first date.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:06 AM, September 15th (Friday)]

If you get punched and punch back, are you as guilty as the one who hit you first?

I don't agree at all. When someone punches you in the face, they are an immediate threat to your health, well being, and even life. And the immediate threat is probably going to punch you again if you don't act quickly. They may even try to kill you.

As devastating emotionally and risky as infidelity is, the immediate threat is over on DDay. Sure, the WS could keep cheating but the BS doesn't have to sleep with them and expose themself. They can use protection. They have options. When someone punches you in the face, your only options are punch back or run and turning your back on someone who just punched you is not a good idea. The two really aren't comparable.