SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by thatbpguy at 3:05 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

"Who are we to judge what works best?"

yet we judge waywards all the time. maybe having an affair was "best for them."

when we know something will unilaterally hurt others I think we can all make a judgment call.

applies here.

yet we judge waywards all the time. maybe having an affair was "best for them."

when we know something will unilaterally hurt others I think we can all make a judgment call.

applies here.

Yea, because cheating on your fiance/spouse of several years and that you have children with is equivalent to lying to some OW that you known for a week or two... It wrong, but its like comparing a Nuclear Bomb to a Handgun.

i disagree. he knew what it felt like and he did it to the person he claims to love the most. that doesn't make sense, unless one's need for justice overpowers their love, empathy and compassion for another, in which case, i wouldn't want to be married to them. it's a level of immaturity i just can't fathom.

you don't watch your house burn down and pour gas on the flames.

[This message edited by sewardak at 3:08 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Who are we to judge what works best?

Ok, I'll judge. Someone that claims infidelity is immoral and in tremendous emotional pain, but then goes out and then does the same damn thing is a hypocrite. I see the same excuse used for cheating over and over. It's Ok for me to cheat because my spouse did <fill in the blank>. For someone that truly believes that infidelity is wrong, an RA is not a valid justification to lie, deceive, and cheat.

An honorable man would be truthful about his intentions after being betrayed. Whether that is attempting to Reconcile or ending the relationship. I don't know, I just don't get the whole RA thing. Seems so pointless and demeaning.

Word for word what sistermilkshake said.

You used an unsuspecting innocent woman to get back at your ww.

You can't offset one hurt with another. Only unhealthy people think that way. I had ra thoughts immediately after. They were all about making wh hurt like I did and I was unhealthy then.

I never would have actually gone through with it though either.

I also agree that if you absolutely had to get even with your ww like that, you should have paid for an escort. At least they know that there is no relationship, just sex. That's what they get paid for.

You really should be ashamed of how you treated the ap at the very least. Did she deserve to be used? What has she ever die to you to deserve to be treated like she is a prostitite.

I feel, Randy, "tit" for "tat" is a shitty ideal for a marriage and life in general. This is not a "tit" for "tat" life that we live. At least, not for healthy mature human beings. We try to grow and mature and handle trauma and crisis with healthy coping mechanisms and skills. Quoting sewardak

will unilaterally hurt others I think we can all make a judgment call.

Welp, now you're no different than your WS.

I will agree with you on this Randy. The BS that becomes a MH is not the same as the original WS. A MH's actions are even worse than the original WS. They do it with "malice aforethought".

Look, I get the desire to "get even" or prove your attractiveness, or whatever you want to call it, but you really should have been straight up with the new AP. That's just not fair. She doesn't deserve to be dragged into the shitshow you guys made.

All I can say is this is one big stinking mess and there's no way in hell I'd get married at this point.

Whatever the problems in a relationship are, cheating never fixes it. So even if you feel better, she might now experience what you did, so now maybe she doesn't want to marry you. I wouldn't.

So you feel like a stud now? You feel like you have mutual respect and love for each other and want to walk down the aisle and promise to love and trust each other forever? I really doubt all of that.

Ditto to Sistermilkshake.

Don't get married.

This poor, single woman was used. I feel extremely sorry for her.

I feel, Randy, "tit" for "tat" is a shitty ideal for a marriage and life in general. This is not a "tit" for "tat" life that we live. At least, not for healthy mature human beings. .

I guess I'm not a healthy human being. I was taught there needs to be consequences for actions. But, yes it is a shitty idea for marriage, but infidelity is a shitty thing to do to a person. Once that happens, all bets are off. If you want to put them in IC, MC, marriage lockup, give them a hallpass to take a shit, knock yourself out. If you want to divorce them, do it. If you want to go find some strange for yourself, go for it. I have no problem with people dealing with Cheaters however makes them feel better within the confines of the law. Just saying the conventional SI wisdom isn't a one size fits all. We all find our own way.

hurt penguin,

IMO first thing you need to do is ask your self what do you want? Stay, D, open relation...

Second, before coming clean, get legal advise. As I remember you have not work and you take care of your kids to support your WW career. Do it not for you but for your kids.

Third, stop the weddings, seems like you are not sure to get any to be with her, so don't do it

Fourth, take your time to come clean, you don't have to do it right away.

Fifth, stop your affair. This has nothing to do with revenge or if your WGF deserves it. It is as simple as your AP doesn't. She doesn't know you have a GF. Dont hurt her.

Where I love we have a say that in English is something like "don't put the cock in the pot". It means to never have sexual relations with coworkers because you compromise your career and income. Well your WW did it and is spector no consequences. I am sorry but she should already find out a new job, or at least apply and had a few interviews. It is obvious that will not be the same income or same work, but it is the least she can do it she wants her family.

Added to the Last paragraph, she is getting married as planned. This in my opinion is a huge mistake as you don't know still what do you want.

In a nut she'll, she had her fun and now nothing had change except that you are angry. Then I wouldnt need to wonder why you need a sense of justice...

Good luck

I am not impressed with your IC's suggestion that you need to have a RA in order to "heal." How can you heal when you are deceiving two women and using them in the process?

You don't know which is worse, using your current AP or enjoying that the scales are now even? I do. The former is much worse. Lots of things that are wrong might feel good in the moment because they tickle some latent part of our primal brains. But right is right and wrong is wrong.

What I think you should do is come clean with both women. Stop worrying so much about what feels good to you and start worrying about being the kind of man you want to be. Do you want to be that guy who uses and lies and does whatever infantile thing feels good to him in the moment? I'm guessing not. So don't be that guy.

You said in your post that 2x4's are welcome, so here it is and I'm not going to be as nice about it as many of our other SI friends have been.

Congratulations! You are now a bigger POS than your WW! You used some poor woman who has no idea about your relationship status to get revenge on your WW? That's deplorable. How is that okay in your mind? You didn't even give her a choice about whether to get involved with you or not based on your relationship status.

Your "personality" requires revenge in order to work things out with your fiancée? What a load of bullshit! That's just an excuse to act inappropriately on your feelings of anger and betrayal. If you had any maturity (and a decent IC. Yours must have graduated at the bottom of her class from a third rate counseling program,) you would have chosen to not sink to your WW's level and be the better person. She doesn't even know that you cheated on her so how is that revenge?

Don't get married to your fiancé or anyone else right now. You're too fucked up to be in a healthy relationship now.

I guess I'm not a healthy human being. I was taught there needs to be consequences for actions.

Someone taught you wrong. You are not the appointed judge and jury who determines what consequences are appropriate, how they should pan out or how they are administered. A BS has options, many options, but not all of them are honorable or appropriate.

And in this case, LYING to another human being in order to get into her pants just to seek revenge on someone else is, in my opinion, quite wrong. It was wrong to use her, it was wrong to expose her to any possible STD's that might exist among the other 3 parties and it was wrong to lie to her.

If you want to mete out consequences, go for it but when your consequences land on an innocent person, it's no longer justifiable on any level.

I will agree with you on this Randy. The BS that becomes a MH is not the same as the original WS. A MH's actions are even worse than the original WS. They do it with "malice aforethought".

Strongly disagree. When a spouse cheats, they have opened up the relationship but just not bothered to tell their other half about the new rules. The vows are trashed, the marriage as it was is over. When the BS becomes a MH, they aren't changing the rules of the relationship. They're abiding by the ones that the WS unilaterally decided on.

1. Do you feel better? Tell your fiancé now, so you can extract the pound of flesh you need for justice.

2. You "groomed" this woman. That's why she's quite fond of you.

3. Cancel the wedding.

4. Get a goddamn new therapist!

Josiep, I agree, he did it all wrong. I was just throwing out generalities. I don't agree with him lying/deceiving this lady. It was wrong. I'm also not going to give him shit because he had an RA. I don't really care if he hurt his WF, fuck her. But, he should have been honest with everyone especially his AP. My opinion is he should break up with both, they are both unhealthy tainted relationships at this point. Get a custody agreement in place and take care of his kids and lay off women for a bit as sorts through this new normal.

So... despite what any one of us say, either admiring or condoning your actions, ultimately you answer to yourself and you know that.

So how do you feel about what you've done?

It must be exhausting to be the kind of person who keeps score of all wrongs so you can deliver consequences at the most painful meaningful moment in time. What a huge responsibility.

Well shit, there's something else I'm thankful I am not. I guess being raised by wolves isn't so bad after all.

hope you stop using the lovely woman that helped you get revenge.

Do not get married.

figure out what you want, but honesty in a relationship is important.

How would you feel if the other woamn used you to get revenge?

No need to not let your ex finance know that you succeeded in getting revenge.

did it hurt you when she cheated?

You just burned your morality card to get revenge.

You must not really love your ex finance, because you know how this will hurt.

really a mess of a situation.