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How do I stop obsessing over OW. I know she's not to be trusted but why can't I stop looking at her social media posts. It never brings anything positive. I believe she baits me. I can't comprehend how people can be so evil. She posts things that make it seem like theres still contact between her and WH. I can never keep my emotions under control. I Lash out at him and never get the answer I want. Then I look like the insane person that's causing all the conflict. And I bring her back into our relationship (if she isnt still in our relationship) I understand that I can choose not to look. To try and trust my husband. But he's lied about this in the past. I know I need to go off of my WH behavior. He's not very empathetic. I just don't trust anything. It's like an addiction. I check all day. All she can post is an emoji and I'm trying to come up with a story. I ruin my own days. Cause my self more pain but why can't I stop!

You do it because you get something from it. Figure out what that is. Accept that you're going to have pain. You'll either have the pain of self discipline that comes when you restrain yourself from looking at her page, or you'll have the pain of regret from actually doing it. You get to pick which pain you're going to have.

BlackBird,

It's very normal to obsess about the A all day , everyday for a VERY LONG TIME.

"The A Has Taken Over "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=606592

It is very normal to obsess about the AP for a very long time too.

"Obsessed with OW"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=527901

As you heal from the trauma of infidelity , you obsess less and less about the A itself and about the dreaded OW.

Sadly it takes between two to five years to heal from the trauma of infidelity.

One day at a time.

Sending you peace, strength and hugs.

Walking with you.

I obsessed about the AP for the first 10/11 weeks. Then I decided to text him and also message his partner.. once i got my point across and then opened the can of worms to his partner.. I have rarely thought about him..

Offering a different perspective: Could your gut be speaking to you? I do not like to plant ugly and suspicious seeds, but are you “trusting but verifying” your WH’s activity?

You describe him as non-empathetic. Not very good R material IMO; he should be moving heaven and earth to earn your trust.

Hugs…

It's easier to focus on how crappy an AP is v the person that you sleep next to every day.

First of all, why don't you BLOCK AP's social media. I know FB won't let you block/unblock repeatedly without a waiting period, so that's always helpful. When blocked, the name doesn't even show up in your searches. It will at least slow you down. :) I find it annoying that the AP in my life got off scot-free with her BS and everyone else (her BS forgave her and my WH immediately and no one else in her life knows that I am aware of. Her stupid I love my husband, I'm a great mom, I'm an awesome helper to humanity, and am super deep posts on social media only irritated me. So I don't look anymore. I *DID* print out a picture from a post yesterday, wrote on it what I thought of her, and then burned it, so obviously it's very normal to have the anger. I just wouldn't obsess over it.

I'm sure it doesn't help that your WH doesn't seem remorseful or empathetic. Perhaps focus a bit more on his current behavior than that of his AP. It will honestly be more helpful to you in the long run.

And honestly, since this all happened? I look at FB and other social media maybe once a week. I took all of the apps off my phone, so I have to manually sign in. It's made my life better in all ways. I find myself actually texting long distance friends to find about their lives - imagine that, actually talking to people who are important instead of getting all of my info off social media!! I don't miss it, or people's bullshit posts AT ALL. I started to get bitter about all of the awesome lives people posted when I knew it was all about putting lipstick on a pig. Most of the people who have kids with behavior problems, spouses who cheat or are just shitty, or can't stand their lives are the ones who post those picture perfect pictures of smiling kids and talk about their amazing marriages. Be authentic and just survive your day. After the shitshow of infidelity, surviving is a pretty awesome thing!!

I still struggle with obsessing about the AP. 5 months post DDay and I still think about her everyday. Some days less than others. The other affairs were ONS she was the only one that he went back to repeatedly for 8 months. They even discussed a relationship after he divorced me. It's difficult not to obsess about her. I know with time it will get easier. However its still currently a struggle.

I know that I am better than her in one way for sure. I have never engaged in a relationship with a married man. It takes a special kind of broken to do so. So while she may be younger, and etc. She will always be beneath me in that manner. She also is not sorry about the affair. She feels she was the victim so clearly shes a POS. I know how you feel.

If she knows you are viewing her posts she is probably doing it on purpose to torture you. The OW in my case did just that.

You are allowing yourself to be tortured and bullied by her.

Once you stop you will be better off.

Think of it this way. Your spouse cheated. You are allowing the pain to continue.

Go one day without looking at her stuff. She is lying to you and herself. The AP ain't all that.

But you are!!! Treat yourself with kindness and love. Stop continuing to put your head on the chopping block.

Once you do - you will continue to move forward.

I think I pain shop like looking at profiles to keep my hurt current. To keep me where I am. To prevent myself from forgetting what has happened incase I do and I get hurt again. It's like a defence mechanism. If I can't switch off and stay on hypervigilence state and stay defensive and hurt and suspicious and mistrusting I can't get hurt.....yet as I write it I see from your perspective you only hurt yourself. Amazing as I never realise how much I'm.hurting myself when I do the same. Xx

I agree with all the advice given, however, I will point out that its easier to say choose not to focus on it when someone is 1-2 years out. I think it depends greatly on how soon your DDay is. Telling someone a couple months out to choose to stop is not going to be the same as telling someone a year out to do the same.

I read this message and it sounds b****, its not my intention. I hope it does get better in time for you and for myself too. The affair also started this month last year, so I'm ready for September to be over.

I couldn't stand the fact that she got away with so much....she destroyed a marriage...she destroyed me....my mental state...my happiness was completely gone. My children..and she was smug....I hated her...I knew nothing about her...

I stalked her online...luckily, I found much, I got to know her...She was a B itch.. very rude...arrogant... I saw many pictures of her life....I wasn't impressed...

It helped me to really accept, that she wasn't better then me...that was a big part of it.

Then I realized, my H was equally to blame...he was a cheater...and a liar... this was a big part of it....

In other words, when I could finally see, that it wasn't me, I wasn't rejected, tossed away....that it was two broken people, acting selfish....I felt much better....I stopped obsessing over her, and the A....and I started healing..

You look, so you can understand this thing that happened....how could she? How could HE? and when you see it clearly, you will stop the insanity...Its a fact....we have some questions, that need answers, and we go nuts until we have something to understand. This blew our minds...literally...

FREETOGONOW~ thought about it for a moment. I think it's reassurance. Well, False reassurance because I shouldn't trust someone who wants my husband. It's insane.

LALAGIRL~ sadly I can't trust my gut instincts anymore. 3+ years of lies will do that I guess h

he's not moving much to earn my trust. He just wishes all of this goes away.

TX1995~ I don't even need to block her. I look for her. It's terrible. It's so painful and destructive yet I can't help myself. I notice a change in my WH, not much but a change. It's just hard To trust his motives. Social media can be depressing everyone looks so happy. New home, new baby. Perfect husband. I know it's not real but I figure they are probably happier than me. I feel stuck here. I've been here too long...but I guess as broken and unhappy as I am I'm still here, surviving.

The1stwife~ she does know I look. I actually got baited a few months back and contacted her. I'm naive and try to see the good in people. Well it ended up that she started asking me all these questions. And planted doubt in my mind about why my WH stayed with me. Just evil. Did the OW leave you alone/finally move on? Thank you I agree that I'm allowing her to torture/bully me. I need to stop doing this to myself.

Tentwinletoes~ wow, never really thought of it that way. But reading your comment made me feel like that is exactly how I feel. I tell myself that if I'm ready and protect myself it won't hurt if there's more betrayal. This is just awful.

I have had a hard time with this because the AP is my wife's ex-girlfriend. They were together about 14 years or so, and had been split up a couple of years when I met my wife. She intruded on our relationship at every chance she got in the first year. After about a decade she no longer was a threat and she didn't really bother me: in fact I felt kinda sorry for her, as she is a nervous little bitch who is not particularly bright.

But then my wife decided that she needed someone to escape reality with. The bitch knew we had just been married the summer before, because it got back to us that she was miffed we didn't call and tell her we got married! I think she thought she had my wife securely back in her life when they started sneaking around. She actually teased her family about having someone in her life, and it finally got out that it was her ex, my wife.

The fact that my wife knew that this person is the one person on Earth I would be devastated for her to be involved with is part of the reason for my continued obsession. What about her drove my wife to spend every opportune moment with her, or on the phone with her, or messaging on Facebook? Did old feelings get revived? Did my wife feel she had made a mistake, or did she want to see if there was still anything there?

I obsessed because I was terribly insecure about her in the beginning, and that reared its ugly head when I discovered the A.

I could have written Tentwinkletoes's comment word for word. Its all pain shopping for me.

Can't allow myself to forget what he did. Want to remind myself. double edged sword.

He just wishes all of this goes away.

Really? Bet you do too, dontcha? ((((BlackBird)))

Is he in IC? He needs some schooling on becoming a safer partner for you.

Block all methods of access. Put a rubber band around your wrist and every time you get the urge to check the OW's social media, snap it and tell yourself "I don't invite evil into my life". Because really, that's what you've been doing. You've provided this evil person with a means of mindfucking you whenever she wants. Shut it down.

((hugs)) Remember, we've all been there so we know how hard it is. You're likely worried that if you don't keep checking, she and your WH are going to be up to something again. But your eyes are open now, so have some faith that you're smart and that you don't need to track the OW. You can (and will, if needs be) find out everything you need to know just by being observant of your WH's behavior.

You're doing it because your gut is telling you something is still going on.

And from what you've typed, I think something IS still going on.

Your husband is obviously unremorseful because you've said he has no empathy for your pain. When you're angry and want answers, you get bullshit from him. And coupled with the fact that he's continually LIED to you and has done basically NOTHING to fix what he broke, no wonder your gut is screaming to you.

You're being emotionally abused. You do realize that don't you? He feels your pain. He sees it. he lives it. And he does NOTHING.

Think about that long and hard.

I think there are a couple of directions this could be coming from:

1. There is the theory of pain shopping. That we go back to relive the pain....but I think the reasons why vary. Sometimes we need more pain to complete our grieving process. We may need it to motivate us to stand up for ourselves. We may even be reliving the pain to be sure we are better coping with it as we work to heal. But, if we are pain shopping, because we have lost track of how to live without that level of pain, then we have work to do in learning to find joy again.

2. It is honest to say that as BSs we compare ourselves. We may be searching for that stupid reason that doesn't actually exist (Why her? What was wrong with me, could I have prevented this? I wrote a long story on that a bit ago, but we don't have room for that here....trust me, it had nothing to do with you. We all have flaws - so does she - that is reality. That he went wayward actually exposed his inability to deal with reality). The sooner you know you didn't do anything that ever deserved to be cheated on in any way, EVER, the more that will help.

3. You may be looking at her to have the mind conversations that prepare you for a real conversation. I did do some of that. I practiced my words and behaviors, looking at the picture of the xAP, so I would be better ready for a confrontation. If you sense she is not going to leave your world, this is much like attorneys prepare people for the stand. You are working toward self control in a volatile situation.

4. If it is like the xAP in my world...one that cleverly and strategically is always there...then it may be a safety issue. If an AP was comfortable observing you, and putting you under their watch...digging into your life during the affair (and even prior - as was the case for me), and they remain in your life. Common sense tells you to stay safe and not be in denial about who they are and what they are doing. For me, knowing what the xAP is doing helps me keep myself and my family safe from her.

I can't remember the last time I wanted to look at her photo - the comparison game is gone, the study the enemy thing is gone. But knowing where she might be hanging out in our community is something I do watch and keep an ear out for.

She had enough of a view into my life for several years, stepped into it in ways you can't imagine (joined clubs I had friends in, just prior to the affair, but I wasn't in them - so she was becoming chummy and learning about me without me even knowing, for example. When I found that out, I gave myself full permission to know anything and everything I could about her. And, unlike her, I am not hiding it.)

5. One other reason occurred to me. So, this is an edited add-on. For a long time, I just would crave the idea that everything that was happening was not real, a bad dream, some freaky movie dream I had stepped into. Looking at her, at the proof of the affair that I had, at the elements of the reality, were a way of keeping me from jumping off into that insanity of pretending it was not real. IF that is where you are, it should fade as you gain coping skills with the new reality of your life. IF you find yourself still doing that a lot, say three years out, that would signal an area where more healing is needed. I definitely think grasping reality over and over in those first couple of years is normal, and maybe good. Just don't let it become the new lifetime habit - replace it with other good reality habits as the chance comes along. (eg...put out new photos all around of new events in your life -new visual realities...)

Ask yourself what you are looking at when you do. Be honest with yourself:

Is it needing to grieve. Is it to test your inner strength? Is it to not leave behind the pain? Is it the comparison game? Is it to prepare for potential emotionally charged conversations? Is it to be informed safe? Is it a mix of these? Is it to grasp reality?

There are many reasons we do this....but you know the finer details.

P.S. I just re-read your posts. Your wayward has an xAP who isn't moving on. Not sure how clearly your WH has set boundaries with her. But, so many of the reasons I listed above would likely apply to why.

Let the self analysis of why you are looking at her, go, for now. If you do, you do. BUT be sure there is more focus on what your wayward is doing IN ACTION (not in words), to heal and repair you two. That is what is most critical for you at this point.

As I have said, the changes are slow, but they better be two steps forward for every one that regresses back, or there really is no point in reconciling.

[This message edited by uxorpatricius at 11:25 AM, September 27th (Wednesday)]

Seems natural to me. I find myself feeling an irresistible urge to text / Facebook message my W's AP's from time to time, and I do it. One of them I mock for getting kicked out of his house. Stuff like that.

Maybe not the most helpful thing in the world, but feels cathartic to me.

This is happening far less often now since d-day (February 13 of this year). That said, I'm a guy and I'm aggressive so this may not apply to everyone's situation. Kind of feels like I'm also warning them that I'm watching them and I'll crush them if they attempt to reach out, as well.