SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It seems to me, that the finality of death is easier to mentally comprehend. A finality.

Death of a marriage with infidelity in some cases still leaves a "choice" that isn't an option with death. This choice and the possiblity of having to re-experience the death of the marriage/new marriage/new relationship seems more scary than the actual death of the old marriage.

I feel like I just rambled.

I was just thinking this the other day!!!

I lost my mom last year, was grieving her when wh had affair...... the affair took over my grief.

I think because I have no choice to accept that my mom is gone. Which cuts deep and terribly but again no choice.

Accepting that my relationship was so much of a lie while he still stands in front of me is very hard. He didnt die, but the person I knew did. It is confusing and painful. grieving someone who is still breathing

I agree. In many ways death is easier to deal with than infidelity. When someone close to you dies it is horrible and you feel in shock for several days. But within a week or so you realize, understand and grasp the fact that your loved one is gone. I have told many people that dealing with an A feels just about like learning about the death of a very close and loved family member except that the same feeling persists for months day after day instead of only a few days or a few weeks. I don't think that anyone can truly understand just how awful this is unless they are a BS and have experienced this.

Hang in there! It does get better in time.

I often think about that too.

Last week, H went out with younger guys to a sport bar. H had told me he would be back home by 10pm because he had to go to work next day.

11pm still no H. Finally called him, he (sounded genuinely surprised) told me he would be on his way right away.

Well, another hour passed though it should have been about 30minutes drive. Got text said "pulled over. on my way".

So finally H came home after another half an hour. He thought he would be ended up in jail..

and I thought "I wish you had"

Following morning, I discovered a female COW (with whom he had one pa)went to the bar too, as his phone was on. Confronted him, he denied it and sneakingly erased all texts between them like I had imagined all up.

Next time he goes out with these young cow's I do hope he ends up in jail.

I wish my husband had died rather than to cheat on me and leave me for someone else. It would have been easier, less painful.

freetogonow wrote: I wish my husband had died rather than to cheat on me and leave me for someone else. It would have been easier, less painful.

In one of the emails I sent to XWH, I said exactly that but in different words. What I said was, "It would have been kinder to put a bullet in my head."

And it's the truth.

However, now that I'm a few months out, I'm doing much better and while I still agree that death would have been easier, I don't hate being alive anymore.

How sad that we're happy for that kind of progress????

Totally agree and have pondered this as well.

Death is a finality. They are gone. Then it becomes far less complex to grieve and cope.

But a betrayal is like an STD- it's the gift that keeps on giving. Live being beat with a baseball bat over and over and over.

How sad that we're happy for that kind of progress????

Hey, we'll take progress wherever we can find it, right?

Death would be so much easier because I would believe he died loving me. Knowing that he professed love and then did the most unloving things hurts to the core.

Because 2 of the A's were with my friends, it's like he held me down while they beat me with a bat.

Actually, I would rather have died and faced death than live through this hell.

It depends who's death we are comparing it with!

As someone that has gone through the death of a spouse, I can't believe some of you think that the process to grieve that person only takes a week or so........seriously???? You lose the one you wanted to spend your life with quickly and finally, you will never see them again, never speak to them again or hear their voice, you are dealing with young children who just lost their father and you think it would be a piece of cake? It's not, and I can tell you that it takes months and months of coping with holidays, birthdays, anniversary....the year of firsts, the first year you go through all of these without your spouse.

I'm not saying it's harder than dealing with an affair, they are two different things, but in the end if you have kids with this person, don't you find it a bit selfish to wish they died verses cheated? At least for the kids sake. I would wish neither but young kids losing a parent is a pretty traumatic thing for them and can really mess them up.

It isn't a contest and there isn't time limits as to how one gets over each, and it's not just as easy as the "finality" of death.

I concur that death would be easier to deal with. Both take a lot of grieving, I think, but the death of one who went out loving you and loving the children would be easier on the children than them being abandoned by a parent or a parent who has destroyed their family through selfishness, IMO. Ask my WW what it's like to be abandoned by a father and replaced by another family.

Everything SteelinNC said.

There is no comparison in my mind, while infidelity sucks, I don't think it would hurt worse than my spouse dying and certainly more than ME DYING!

I get it, infidelity fucking hurts and it's a trauma that's fucks you up for a while. But it's not the end of you or your life. I know it's hard, but to think death is easier just doesn't compute for me.

I love me and I love having life...never in a million years would I wish my life away bc my spouse hurt me. I don't want my spouse to die, especially for my kids sake. Infidelities hurts, but it's not worth my life.

I was married to the love of my life for 27 years and he died suddenly in my arms. That was 20 years ago and he is not the reason why I am here.

The kids were in the process of getting their master degrees and we were looking forward to spending more time together, traveling and just being together.

I was a walking zombie for 2 years and the horror, tears and shock were very difficult to deal with. And not a day goes by that I don't think of him..... but that is just me. Everyone process things at their own pace.

No one should compare the two.... Death versus Infidelity because no one can judge how they would feel or react to the stress of losing someone they loved..... whether it would be death or infidelity.

I can't walk in your shoes and you can't walk in mine.

A loss is a loss.

Your heartache is Your heartache.

We all grieve.

I'm not saying it's harder than dealing with an affair, they are two different things, but in the end if you have kids with this person, don't you find it a bit selfish to wish they died verses cheated? At least for the kids sake. I would wish neither but young kids losing a parent is a pretty traumatic thing for them and can really mess them up.

I am dearly sorry to those who have lost spouses.

To me, the reason betrayal seems worse (in some cases) than death is because most people do not choose to die. You grieve that loss, often for years. But betrayal is the one you love choosing to destroy you, not destroying you through no fault of their own. Betrayal is very much their fault and their decision.

That is a uniquely different type of pain. And yes, I would be crushed if my DD's mother died. At the same time, would that be easier or more difficult than me looking WW in the eye every day and knowing my 6 month old daughter has a mother who willingly chose to destroy her family, risk everything for some stupid adrenaline high, and bring her DD into a world of chaos and anguish?

Do you want to eat the shit sandwich or drink the piss smoothie? They're both bad. I'd prefer neither, but here we are.

[This message edited by TwiceWounded at 9:53 AM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

I had lunch with a friend of mine who lost her husband to death about the same time as I lost mine to infidelity. I started to say something but stopped and said something about her pain being so raw and she looked at me and said that while she's sad, she can finish out her life with her memories and the knowledge that she was loved.

I don't have that anymore. My memories are all false and I sit here at age 67 having never been loved.

If my XWH had died instead, I could at least have still believed he'd loved me and that my memories of our happy life were real.

My late husband is the one who cheated on me.......twice. Then he fought off stage 4 lung cancer for 26 months until his death.

If he had not cheated, his death would have completely devasted me. His cheating did.

His death was painful for me, but I could prepare myself. His cheating whacked me upside the head, and caused me to lose trust in myself. It turned our previous 13 years of what I saw as a very happy marriage into a lie.

Neither was good. But the infidelity was more destructive to me, at least.

Personally, I really dislike these threads and they come up all the time. Why the need to compare what would be easier? Do you want to try out both and then make a decision? It is ridiculously hypothetical as you can not know until you walk in those shoes.

We lost a son. Infidelity was a fucking piece of cake compared to the pain of that loss and healing from that pain.

BTW, there are some here that lost loved ones due to suicide. So yes, some have to deal with an intentional death.

ETA:

It seems to me, that the finality of death is easier to mentally comprehend.

No, no it isn't. At least that is my experience.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 6:58 PM, September 29th (Friday)]

I just always wonder how those who have lost a child would respond.

Actually, I know how.

I lost a spouse early in our marriage (we pursued each other since high school but got together a few years after graduation) and it was horrible. We were married a little over a year and expecting our first child, a son who was born 6 months after his father's death. My DS never knew his father and both of us were robbed of ever being a complete family. I have been a BS and there is no comparison. I would NEVER want to bury another husband no matter what.