SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I triggered last night (movie), kept it in, went to bed with WW and couldn't hold it and told her about it. Also mentioned to her a thread I read on SI about WS's "winning" and how it resonated with me. It was late, and she did participate in the discussion but once she saw I was continuing, she got upset and asked why I always wait till we are in bed to talk.

I got angry, let out some pent up anger about how she is never preemptive about discussing the A's and how I see this as rug sweeping. I see discussion the A's (from WW) as sitting with the pain, living it, helping me heal.

What absolutely drives me insane is her ability to fall off to sleep so easily and I'm left with all this shit running through my mind. Last night, took her a grand total of 9 minutes from the end of our talk to deep sleep. Me, I'm up till nearly 2AM, and when I finally get to sleep, I have the joys of the mind movies.

For anyone asking should I get specific details, be very sure you want them. I was sure I did, and I got them, now I live with mind movies of their acts. In fact, I got the entire affair movie in my dreams last night and then some. I woke up every 20 minutes, after each dream....horrible.

So we get up and her first topic is the horrible shootings in Vegas. Truly horrible for everyone involved, but this wasn't first on my mind. My WW was acting as if nothing had happened.

I'm sorry about the rant, it was just so hard to re-live her A's all night long and to wake up to her continuing to try to rug sweep set me off. I kissed my boy goodbye and told him to have a great day at school and let. Here at work trying to get through the day.

I am 2 YEARS from Dday and just over a year from full truth and thought I would be able to better manage these days. We are set to "talk" tonight. I am going to do my best to try and keep myself calm.

Thanks for listening everyone, and hopes and prayers for those affected by the shootings in Vegas.

I'm sorry. I know these nights all too well. I lay there for hours crying or holding in my tears. My WH walks around without a care in the world. I wish I could give you the answers. Keep posting, it seems to be helping me a bit.

Keep your head up.

Hi, Jameson. Your post resonated with me, as my fWh has often asked why I "wait until 10pm" to bring up "deep" stuff to discuss and also falls asleep in moments . . . while I toss and turn and ruminate most of the night. Truly sucks that we didn't bring this into our lives, yet we are the ones left suffering from their selfishness and immaturity.

I had to wait nearly a full year or more for my fWH to finally "surrender" all of his secrets. By then there weren't many or any "big" ones, but just the fact he kept back some details to protect himself from my wrath pissed me off and set back our R quite a bit. I'm now into year 4, having had a 3 year anniversary of DDay 1 last month.

All to say, your story sounds familiar to me. So I will offer that as year 3 went on, things settled down quite a bit more. No new revelations, working together to co-create a better marriage (our pre-A marriage was a living disaster), trying to make peace with the past enough to work toward a future together. We're getting there. But like you, I still have my triggers and times when I need to vent to him. And when he now grows weary of it, it can make things even worse in my mind. There's a lot to work through to get past this shit, Jameson.

What I have found helps is for me to busy myself with things that are of my OWN. My fitness, my crafts, my work. But at some point we do need to have those discussions about what went down the night before . . .and we agree now to pick a time to do this and make sure we follow through. Just to have him agree to this does help. And by then I'm usually calmed down a bit. I have lots of details, too, but they don't haunt me nearly as much as they once did. Times does seem to be a healer.

I hope you're coming up with a list of what you need from your wife tonight to help you. Figure out your trigger, what it tapped into, and have a conversation earlier in the evening, perhaps. My H would definitely like this all to be behind us . . . but that isn't going to be a reality until my brain is ready to let some more of it go. Slowly, with steady progress and evidence from the WS that they're making improvements. . . the craziness settles down to a good degree, but you still need to learn how to clear the air in a way that works for both of you.

Oh, I hear you. WH can talk about work or some other shit for hours, but hint about the A, and he shuts up like the shy kid on the first day of kindergarten.

There isn't a good time to talk about it for the WS.

Yes to everything in your post!!! More times than I can count I have laid there in a rage while my WH snoozes peacefully beside me. I almost always wake him up to go back over what is replaying in my mind. I find that so aggravating. I also struggle with getting him to initiate conversations. It took a long time but he is much better at it. I hope you are able to get through the rest of your workday and get some good rest tonight.

For me my WW never gets upset, or at least she doesn't show it, when I want to talk about the A after we are in bed. But I can totally relate to the fact that she has no trouble sleeping while I struggle with it every night. She also never initiates a discussion about the A. That is always left for me to do.

Thanks everyone. It is reassuring that I'm not the only one who's feels this way.

My trigger was watching the Departed, Leo and the Dr. sleeping together. Now I realize her BF was an ass and had lied to her throughout, but that scene where they have sex just brought up those thoughts about how my WW and her AP might have been.

psychmom, our psychologist suggested setting specific times up to discuss the A's. We have tried this, and my WW has been receptive, but I struggle with it. When I have something that comes up, I want to address it right away, while it is fresh in my mind. I probably should resume journaling so I can write things down for discussion later.

My WW has a family history of burying feelings and not rocking the boat which makes it tough because I like to deal with issues right away.

The dreams last night were the worst I have experienced. I have had dreams where I am watching them have sex (which I have all the ugly details), but my mind add's the narrative from my WW and AP which can be so hurtful.

I love this woman more than anything in this world, she is my world. We were HS sweethearts, both our firsts for everything, and to me, it was special. Knowing she f'ed some random guy at a party (after we had a fight about me not proposing fast enough) and stood on the alter as we made our vows KILLS me. I only learned of this ONS after finding out about her PA with a COW in 2015 (ONS was in 2001). The TT for a year about the PA with the COW was just awful. I knew things didn't add up and got gaslit about me continuing to hound her, until about a year later then I got the "truth".

I'm rambling now....thanks everyone for letting me rant! Having some time to cool off does help and will be writing things down so we can discuss them.

Thanks again.

Your wife sleeps well when you do not because she has a lot of practice doing so with the knowledge of her actions. While there may be some logistical considerations for her not wanting to talk right before bedtime or shortly thereafter, she really needs to be able to generate some empathy for you. If she can't, and I would question her commitment to reconciliation, and her ability to change away from the person who would betray you so many times over such a long period of time.

There are also no logistical considerations when it comes to the crazy making of the adultery. Well indeed it truly does suck to know the details, and I speak from experience there, I think it's better to do so. Knowing the details illustrates exactly who your wife was, but she was and is capable of doing, and the truth that you must deal with if you are going to be pursuing a continuing marriage with her. While it is ultimately painful, it is the truth, and it is far better to live in a painful truth than it is a perpetual lie or fog.

Don't settle for anything less than a completely remorseful wife who is dedicated to solving the issues that allowed her to make such terrible decisions and deceive you for so long. Demand a spouse who is dedicated to your healing and willing to do whatever it takes to help you get there. She owes it to you in a big way.

-M

I am guilty of having a good sleep as well. Additionally I am not a early morning person until I shower. So there were instances when I asked my BS to wait until I was done with my morning routine to discuss my fuck up. But he knows that after I am finished I will be listening patiently and answer any questions he might have.

What have you tried to improve your sleep? Is it true insomnia or the thoughts running through your head?

I would like to suggest warm milk, a bath, and Lavendel oil. There are also tea blends you could try. I wish you all the best.

Jameson - so sorry you are here and you are not alone for sure.

I notice two things from your post. One is unprocessed trauma. Have you tried EMDR therapy? It really helps to process our trauma and to move those memories from real and in the front of our minds to a memory that can live in our archive in the back of our minds. I have found it incredibly helpful with PISD.

My second observation relates to your WS - is she remorseful? It sounds as if there have been multiple infractions so has she done the work to get to the source of her issues and fix them? We all need to address our past and to change our behavior. If she is still rug sweeping or getting annoyed at your processing then it seems to me she needs to work on empathy and the only way to do that is to face her unvarnished self. Sounds like there is more work to be done so she can be safe for you.

Thanks Mindjob and ISurvivedSoFar. My WW and I had a discussion yesterday after I left angry in the morning. She did tell me she has failed WRT discussing her A's and has committed to open up unprompted. We will see how it goes. I am going to look into EMDR with my pshysologist, as I read it can help. Is my WW remorseful, she feels she is but I don't see it. I see regret about the A's not so much getting caught, but I do need to see remorse. Thanks again!

have you asked her how she would feel if you had two affairs?

would it keep her up at night?

Does she still have hidden feelings for the OMs?

I hope not.

My trigger was watching the Departed, Leo and the Dr. sleeping together.

I understand how movies can trigger - but I've always enjoyed this film. Weirdly enough, I do identify with Damon's character, despite his own double life working for the mob. My family tree runs about 75 percent Irish -- and his statement has always jumped out at me, even before my wife's confession -- "I'm Irish, I could live in a dysfunctional relationship my whole life."

It is very true in my family anyway.

Yeah, don't sweat that A escapist fantasy stuff too much. What matters is who your wife is now, if she learned, what she has learned about her issues and if she can be the safe partner you deserve now.

Hi harrybrown, I have mentioned and asked this many, many times. With women (generalizing I know), I understand the emotional infidelity can be worse than the physical. I've asked her how she would feel if I expressed love to another woman. She tells me it would crush her, but until you "walk a mile", you can't understand the devastation this causes. She still works with the OM infrequently, but he knows I know and has done everything he can to avoid her and her him. He is very worried I'll show up and beat his ass.

[This message edited by Jameson1977 at 7:43 PM, October 4th (Wednesday)]

He is very worried I'll show up and beat his ass.

The threat of a good ass beating can be a good tool for keeping a weak OM out of the picture. I think this has helped me keep "our" OW out of the picture since DDay. I made clear what a "crazy bitch" I was and while I wasn't thinking about it at the time, seeing that likely has made the OW (plural) choose to stay far away.

I must admit, when my WW told the OM (in person) that I knew about the A, he asked "should I be worried", my WW said...."Probably....", she said he turned white as a ghost (I'm 6'7, 250 lbs) and she walked away. We had amazing sex when she got home. I felt great about him shitting his pants!

I totally get how you feel. It was the normal everyday things that got to me. How after DDay, she was able to get to sleep. How I would look over and see her laughing with friends. How she interacted with our daughters who had no clue what she had done.

I would just get so pissed. Even worse I knew that she was just living her life and not doing anything wrong. Still I had such resentment. I think it goes back to the winning discussion. She won, I lost.

I can’t give any constructive advice as I never got over it, but I think I understand.

The only question I have is why she still works with him. Is that part of any resentment you might be carrying?

She's in health care and rarely see's him, and even if she moved, he works all over the region so never working with him again would be difficult, not impossible though. I've struggled with this, she saw a friendship, he saw a piece of ass, she does see this now and has no desire to talk to him again. Addressing the reasons and justification to cheat is more important to me than preventing some guy she f'ed from interacting with her.

I agree with you that the reasons that made it ok is the most important. But it need not be a choice between the two. Just my option if it isn’t impossible for her to have no contact, she should be doing everything she can to make that happen.

This guy is clearly still in your head (it was in mine too) he shouldn’t be in her life at all .

I could have written so much of this myself. It never feels like a good time and I do get upset at how he can sleep

Peacefully while I wrestle with turmoil late into the night. It is maddening actually.

The last time my H complained about the time I went off on him. I told him to please not say that again. I am fully aware of the time and would not approach you If i felt it wasn't important. I do not do it often. There really isn't a 'good time' anyway. Plus, it is a trigger. Did you give OW a curfew on business trips? Was it too late for that? Also, what about the sleepless nights I have? I sometime stay up HOURS into the night battling anxiety, mind movies and grief. That's what I think of when you say that to me. Please think about that.