SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have been married for a 12 years now and has 2 kids. we both take care of them very well. In 2011 when I opened her email as our bank account password was forgotten, then I discovered a teenage chats in her email. I questioned her about it , she was 32 at the time and a man in office was chatting with her and he was around 44 at that time.

She said nothing more than office friends and I wasn't content on her answer , I found phone call couple of months later and she said the same thing thing.

fast forward to 2013, she went back to office after having our second child and I never expected to spy on her as she is a lactating mother.

She started discussing our relationship details and he started sharing his wife's details and started doing all kinds of favors to her. Trying to please her in all ways he could , praising about her appearance , showing concern for her, praising her at work and supporting her actions when we had small arguments.

finally they started having sex , she admitted going to hotels 4 times and HJ in car around 5 times. She admitted that sex was horrible and told him she doesn't like it.She found that this noble was a scum bag but couldn't escape it .

She stopped the relationship in May 2015, she confirms and never met him after that. She confessed me last week and started crying and banging her head on the wall saying she did something wrong and was on knees to take her back. I wasn't very convinced,her whole family supported me and asked her to give her a chance.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with us , normal couple with normal arguments. I am in a big dilemma,whether to accept her or not ...

If I understand you right, this all started in 2011, and ended in 2015 and she hated it all along?

She hated it so bad she continued on for 4 years?

Please tell me you don't believe that? Please.

Let's put it more realistic... She betrayed you for at least 4 years, loved it and now wants to work out the marriage. THAT I can get behind.

She waits another 2.5 years before confessing to you. So she was living the lie during this time.

Whether you decide to R or D, is up to you but I do have 1 suggestion.

There is a lot here you need to process. Emotions and questions will be pounding you for many months. So I suggest to not do either for now. You need time apart to let this sink in and to consider how you want your life to look moving forward. I suggest a 90 day separation- preferably apart, but even in the same house. You need to work thru this and take your time to know what you need to do for what is best for you- not her.

Yes, their friendship started in 2011.

Got physical in Mid 2013, continued with intensity for Mid 2014 and met again May 2015. I have told her that I can forgive anybody as punishment is not in my hands but I can never forget. We are separated now. I haven't made up my mind either way. I do not want to get remarried in my life. I do look at the pros of this outcome, I am free bird and has a kids to love. I always believed that she has some ADHD related issues though never confirmed.

She admitted that sex was horrible and told him she doesn't like it.She found that this noble was a scum bag but couldn't escape it .

Yeah, that's pretty standard stuff. It was terrible, I didn't enjoy it, I didn't come, it was just sex, always used protection, etc.

Just assume everything she says is minimized and sanitized. There is always more that you are first told. ALWAYS. Sometimes a whole lot more.

Oh, and notify the guys wife if he is married, that's a requirement.

Read the info in the Healing Library ( yellow box, upper left this page) this is good stuff and pretty much the basic to start you off. Get tested for STD's, both of you. Is there any doubt about the paternity of your children?

( isn't that a lovely question to consider!)

You need access to her phone and all email passwords, including the email accounts she hasn't told you about yet.

I would download and run DrFone or equal on her phone to try and recover all messages and texts. Excuse me for being suspicious but a lot of us have seen this all to many times. There may be other AP ( affair partners) If they'll cheat once, they cheat other times.

Why do you think this sudden urge to confess? Did something happen? Did he get caught? Did somebody find out?

I would make sure you have as much information as possible before you agree to try and fix anything. No promises. Take you time, she should be willing to answer any question, as many times as you need to answer. if she is not completely open and honest about all the details, you DO NOT need to consider reconciliation yet.

Keep posting. Good people here.

[This message edited by twisted at 6:21 PM, October 9th (Monday)]

She never used her phone as I had access to the caller details.

Changed emails to communicated with him, I found out that. First confession was just a kiss. Then when I pressed once in hotel, then twice , then thrice and then admitted to fourth time. Which was confirmed with AP.

Later she confessed about the car part , she always thought he was caring for her until last week she started feeling being used.

She told everything in detail and told me that she walked out from hotel twice without sex,I am yet believe it , she is not one that is into sex much so could be possible. It is hard on me , I dont know what I am doing right now. So depressed ,hopefully I get over this.

If you aren't sure what you want, be patient with yourself and don't rush. Having found out only a week ago, you're still in a state of shock and it will take quite a while to grieve the marriage and spouse you believed you had. Go read The Healing Library (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp), especially the FAQ for Betrayed Spouses, get a good IC (individual counselor) for yourself, keeping posting here and just take care of yourself.

As far as your wife goes, be prepared for the possibility that there is more for her to disclose and/or that she needs to be more honest about the situation. Her story is fairly typical in that it downplays much of what happened. She'll need to be fully honest with you, go through with sending a no contact letter/email and be transparent (e.g. you get open access to everything) to help rebuild the trust she shattered.

More importantly, her wanting you back shouldn't be her focus. She needs to see there is a character gap inside of her that led to and sustained the affair. She needs to be motivated to figure herself out and to change so that she is a safe partner for you and a good parent for the kids. That likely includes a really good IC for her over a significant amount of time, but her own self-motivation is core to it all. Without that, all you have is someone who is scared that she might lose you, the house and the kids. In other words, someone who is self-centered (just like when she had an affair). Her actions and attitudes will give you insight into whether she is really remorseful and doing the work to change or if it is all a show to keep you in place.

I shudder every time I hear "we're just friends".

You only know the "tip of the iceberg".

If OM has a wife you should inform her.

She's been in a long term affair. If they have contact it may reignite. Do they still work together?

[This message edited by Marz at 6:47 PM, October 9th (Monday)]

She never used her phone as I had access to the caller details. Changed emails to communicated with him

She pulled off a long term affair with a fair amount of skill. She needs to understand that the extended amount of deception on her part complicates your healing, so she needs to be honest and open about any question you have for her. The book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" is a good read for her (and you too).

So depressed ,hopefully I get over this.

You've just experienced a major emotional trauma. If this were a physical injury, you'd be in ICU right now. So treat yourself accordingly. If you need help with the depression or anything else urgent like sleeplessness, anxiety, inability to stay nourished, etc., see your doctor or psychologist. Recovering from this isn't a sprint, but a marathon, so give yourself room to grieve, to process and to heal. You'll survive, but you'll want to take advantage of every resource you can to support yourself during the emotional roller coaster in front of you. Keep posting -- you are understood here.

I have informed OM's Wife, she doesn't seem to be too concerned about it. Healing is tough, I cant think anything now.

Hi, welcome to SI.

What happened last week that made her feel used if supposedly the affair ended in 2015?

If they still work together, I highly doubt the affair ended when she told you it did.

Something happened to make her confess...

BTW, all cheaters minimize the affair. Meeting him only four times when they worked together daily seems like an outright lie.

BTW, all cheaters lie as well.

She broke it off May of 2015, but just figured out she was being used? Hmmmm.

I'm with annb, there's more to thus story. I think you need to ask more questions.

Honestly I am not in a state of mind where I can reject or accept anything she says. She thinks that me "Spying on Her and I was short tempered, " was main reason to cheat as she felt I didn't trust her. It wasn't a voluntarily confession at all, I had some evidences as all clever cheaters leave something behind for us find out.

2014 she left the job and they met again 2015 May for the last time , as per her.

It's not relevant that she had a "bad" experience in the affair. I put "bad" in quotes because "the sex was no good" is a very popular lie by cheaters to minimize what they've done. In fact, your WW is telling a lot of lies right out of the cheater's handbook. What is relevant is that she was fine doing something like this to you. The fact that she could commit this horrible act of cruelty against you is what is relevant and what you have to deal with. Could you ever trust her again?

[This message edited by CincyKid at 8:29 PM, October 9th (Monday)]

So why did she confess now? Something isn't right here.

I suspect that someone caught them together recently and she told you before they could or someone found out about the old & ended affair and she was going to tell you. There's also the possibility the the OM was threatening to tell you if she didn't restart with him.

This story of hers doesn't add up.

She thinks that me "Spying on Her and I was short tempered, " was main reason to cheat as she felt I didn't trust her.

So she cheated bc you thought she might be cheating? What?!

This is very typical cheaterspeak, makes no sense except to themselves.

She cheated because she thought you didn't trust her.

Okay, you were right, you shouldnt have trusted her.

I have a feeling you think you are not getting the full story.

It is hard for me to access what happened. Here is what she confessed.

we had our child in last quarter 2012 (paternity test confirmed). After 6 months they started talking and it moved to physical towards the later half of 2013 , Mid 2014 she quit the job and then met again somewhere in Jan 2015 for physical and continued seeing till mid 2015.

I asked her about the affair during these two years since I had serious doubts, on one of questioning sessions she confessed slowly ...giving one tip at a time . It took a week to reach at this details. I wasn't shocked as I was expecting it , but was really hurt.

The OM was a pathological liar and would go any extent to get the thrill of conquest. He had concerns regarding his looks and personality, so he had played typical emotional blackmailing to get what he needed. OM is married and is scum bag with no remorse . I am not concerned about the OM at all , she was wrong no matter what. I had offered divorce many times and but she never wanted to leave me.

Many times I felt marriage was lacking attachment and I told her we need to see what is missing and re-asses what is going on, her answer was always no , she said we are doing good though she never liked me sleeping with her during those times.

[This message edited by waryaries at 11:20 PM, October 9th (Monday)]

Get tested for stds.

Poly.

I have informed OM's Wife, she doesn't seem to be too concerned about it.

Not concerned, huh? Unless you know for a fact that you talked to OM BW... consider that the OM may be very savvy dealing with getting caught and you may have talked to an imposter. Wouldn't be the first time.

No I caught his wife off guard and confirmed phone thru white pages. I have informed her through her twitter messages as well.