SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm new around here so this is my situation. My WW had a 3.5 year EA/PA with a co-worker. I found out about the affair from OM's wife on Facebook. The affair took place almost exclusively at their place of employment except she did bring him to our house on lunch breaks occasionally when she would let the dog out. Since DD (1/23/17) she hasn't contacted him and has changed jobs, phone numbers, emails, FB ect...

We went to MC for 6 months but that wasn't really helping because I read so many articles and books in the month after the discovery. I basically knew as much or more than the therapist and none of the advice he offered was useful.

After 10 months I have good days and bad days. I've tried just about everything to heal myself except personal therapy and anti-depressants. Our relationship has improved tremendously. She is in love with me again, we have been on vacations and our sex life is better now than it ever has been.

My problem is that I still have days where I'm just completely depressed because I can't get over how hurtful this has been. Basically this lasted almost the length of our marriage. I don't think I can ever trust her again or completely let go of the past.

We are in process of getting the house ready to sell because it's a huge trigger for me since she brought him there and had sex in the guest bedroom multiple times. I'm contemplating getting my own apartment after the house sells so that we both know what we would be losing and what life would be like if we got a divorce. I would be open to dating other people during this time but I mostly want to just improve myself and find a new path forward. I suggested 6-12 months before we decide to reconcile or divorce.

Is this a good idea? We have no kids.

I would be open to dating other people during this time but I mostly want to just improve myself and find a new path forward. I suggested 6-12 months before we decide to reconcile or divorce

.

It is up to you, but the above is not the way to heal yourself or your marriage. What you are suggesting is an open marriage. Is this what you really want? I suggest you read in the Healing Library, left and corner, yellow box. It has a lot of good information for both of you. It is not unheard of that people get back together, even after S/D, but you need this time to process and heal from the betrayal, time to rediscover yourself and what you really want going forward. This will be hard to do while dating other people and you both living like you are single. Anyone that would date someone in this type of relationship would probably have issues themselves. Broken attracts Broken as they say and two wrongs doesn't make it right. You would just add fuel to an already burning pile of shit and it would be hard to come back from.

If you want to reconcile with your WW, then you need to work on that. If it's D you really want then file the paperwork. Don't lower yourself to what brought you here in the first place. I know it's hard and confussing. I also know that revenge affairs only make things worse. Please do some research. You may also find some support and helpful advice in the I Can Relate forum under Long Term Affairs (LTA).

Like I said, I'm only open to the idea. It's not something that I would be actively seeking out. I've actually only had 2 relationships prior to this one so seeing what else is out there is now something I would consider. I've expressed this to my wife who is actually open to the idea if we actually do decide separate.

I am sorry this has happened and that you are hurting so much.

My 2nd IC (first was a joke) was amazing. I love her and have referred about 15 people to her over the past 6 years.

When I asked her if we should separate or have FWH move out after Dday she stated " that of course is an option, especially if the other partner is abusive. However, if your true goal is to make a go at saving your marriage it makes it all the harder by being separated. You both will be focused on your individual lives and not on trying to make your marriage work. She stated....you can get from KC to Dallas direct or you can fly through Chicago. You can eventually get there but the path isn't as straight..."

Just food for thought.

I get the need for space and it is somewhat appealing to just be on your own without the A constantly thrust in your face.

(((good luck)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 8:07 PM, December 1st (Friday)]

My only real goal is focusing on myself and healing the gaping hole in my heart. Right now becoming the best "ME" possible is what's most important. My WW seems remorseful enough but after 3.5 years of daily betrayals that doesn't mean much to me. It's going to take me years still to heal emotionally. In my opinion I can't fully recommit to the marriage until I find out how to be happy with myself again. My self-esteem and self-confidence are non-existent now and I need to find a way to get them back.

I know one thing for sure, we are too good for our cheating spouses. But sometimes BS's decide to offer the gift of reconciliation. I think you separating and getting some distance between the two of you is the best thing you can do. If she doesn't do the work, the marriage would have failed anyway. If she does and you take as much time as you need to heal, then you can try to reconcile. I stayed for over 6 months trying and trying with someone who is too damaged for reconciliation. I didn't start healing until I kicked him out and established no contact. It was surprisingly a huge weight lifted off me. You matter, not her right now.

If you are dating, I assume she will be too. If you separate she Will see other men and consider it not cheating

You need to do what's right for you, of course, but be sure you are both in total agreement about each other being able to date openly with no repercussions. That's gonna be a tough one if R is your ultimate goal.

Do you have legal separation in your state? If so, do that first to protect yourself financially. Otherwise, if you do ultimately D, she could go on a shopping spree and you could be on the hook. Cancel any joint credit cards. Split bank accounts. Protect yourself as if you were divorcing, just to be safe. She could put you in a world of financial hurt otherwise.

If legal separation isn't an option, maybe you should consider divorcing to protect yourself financially, separate, then start dating again if you feel like giving it a chance.

It seems like you may be looking at this separation as a baby step to see if you can make it in life without her. You can start dating but keep her on the sidelines in case you don’t enjoy your new single life as much as you think you will. And if she starts dating too? I just don’t personally see the point in even bothering to try and stay married.

It looks like you want to keep one foot in the door which doesn’t seem healthy any way you cut it. You may need to do some serious reflection to figure out whether the cheating was a dealbreaker for you. It is for a lot of people, my XH included, who was out the door (figuratively) within a week of DDay and never looked back.

Do you want to separate to try on single life or to see what life looks like without her? Or as a step toward divorce?

The separation thing might be ok. But I'm concerned bc your wife said she would be open to the idea of you dating other people if you separate. (She doesn't care if you kiss someone else, have another woman in your car, etc)? It sorta sounds like she's got someone in mind already and wants to b free to date.

This is what I see. You want to be alone to decide what to do.

I agree with this. But I think because you might reconcile, neither should date because that's going to add another later of hurt and things to forgive. Like- you go pick up your wife for a dinner date and she's had another guy there the night before, sitting on the couch. She sees you at dinner with your date and she's at dinner with her date.

Plus, if she spends all her $ on the other guys, then if you D, what $ is left is split. Maybe get a legal separation.

I've heard it said that Separation is Divorce practice.

If you're going to divorce, just do it.

If you're going to attempt reconciliation, then yes, it will be harder, but do it and fighting through all the shit together makes you both stronger and your marriage tighter. (I think)

Just because she says it would be ok to try dating other people doesn't make it a good idea. It would be harmful to your chances of R.

This stuff is hard and it sucks being here and struggling with all of it. It might be smart to see a therapist for yourself to help you discern which direction you want to go.

If you are dating, I assume she will be too. If you separate she Will see other men and consider it not cheating

I don't know if she would actually date anyone else after what's she's already done. If anything she would try exploring her bi-sexuality (she also had a ONS with a woman she met on a dating app). Either way, I'm not concerned about what she does anymore. I would hope she would use the time away to be mostly focused on fixing herself but that's out of my control. I have no say in what she does with her body obviously.

You need to do what's right for you, of course, but be sure you are both in total agreement about each other being able to date openly with no repercussions. That's gonna be a tough one if R is your ultimate goal.

Do you have legal separation in your state? If so, do that first to protect yourself financially. Otherwise, if you do ultimately D, she could go on a shopping spree and you could be on the hook. Cancel any joint credit cards. Split bank accounts. Protect yourself as if you were divorcing, just to be safe. She could put you in a world of financial hurt otherwise.

R is only 1 of two options. I sent her divorce papers 3 days after DD. I fully planned on divorcing immediately after I found out. I only delayed after doing much thinking and research online just to see if anything was salvageable. I'm not sure if I want to reinvest in this relationship yet. Right now I have no goals other than finding happiness within myself again and regaining my self-esteem. There is no legal separation but I've already protected myself financially. We do have a joint account for bills but only her paycheck is deposited into that account. I have my own personal checking/savings bank accounts. After DD I made her close her personal account so I could monitor all of her spending. Also she's agreed (in writing)to give me the proceeds from the sale of the house (I paid the entire down payment).

The separation thing might be ok. But I'm concerned bc your wife said she would be open to the idea of you dating other people if you separate. (She doesn't care if you kiss someone else, have another woman in your car, etc)? It sorta sounds like she's got someone in mind already and wants to b free to date.

This is what I see. You want to be alone to decide what to do.

I agree with this. But I think because you might reconcile, neither should date because that's going to add another later of hurt and things to forgive. Like- you go pick up your wife for a dinner date and she's had another guy there the night before, sitting on the couch. She sees you at dinner with your date and she's at dinner with her date.

Plus, if she spends all her $ on the other guys, then if you D, what $ is left is split. Maybe get a legal separation.

My wife doesn't like the idea of me dating but understands why I want to do it now. She knows I've only ever been with 2 people ever. She's had an extensive sexual history prior to this affair and our marriage. She told me I can go out and have ONS but I'm not that type of person. I need an emotional and intellectual connection before I can be intimate with anyone which is why I want to live by myself for a period of time. She doesn't have anyone else right now but if she wants to date other people after she caused this mess then R is probably never going to happen anyways. I would be open to her dating women if that's something she wants to explore.

It seems like you may be looking at this separation as a baby step to see if you can make it in life without her. You can start dating but keep her on the sidelines in case you don’t enjoy your new single life as much as you think you will. And if she starts dating too? I just don’t personally see the point in even bothering to try and stay married.

It looks like you want to keep one foot in the door which doesn’t seem healthy any way you cut it. You may need to do some serious reflection to figure out whether the cheating was a dealbreaker for you. It is for a lot of people, my XH included, who was out the door (figuratively) within a week of DDay and never looked back.

Do you want to separate to try on single life or to see what life looks like without her? Or as a step toward divorce?

Yes, right now I'm completely on the fence. 10 months ago I was only considering divorce so maybe that's improvement? I'm not emotionally healing enough which is why I'm suggesting the separation. Yes, this is exactly a trial for divorce. That's the whole point. She can see what she threw away and how lonely life is without me around. Maybe that would be the thing to change her internally. If not, well then we can each go our own ways and get a divorce. I'm trying to figure out what else is available or if I could ever trust her enough to start a family with her now.

Skins 21,

Thank your lucky stars you don't have kids with her... You have an easier path than most.. Your wife had an affair for over half your marriage and if it weren't for the OBS it would more than likely still be going on..

I agree with a previous poster, go ahead and file for divorce and if you feel you can reconcile what she did to you and the marriage then you can stop it at anytime .

Do you feel that your wife can be a safe partner for you down the road ? I personally think after two affairs OM/OW, she would have a long road ahead of her.

CDB

If we do get a divorce we will do so amicably and possibly without a mediator. We both don't want to spend anything on lawyers so we will come up with our own dissolution of marriage agreement. This was a agreed upon before we started MC.

From what I can tell she seems safe now but I can't predict the future. She grew up in a family where both parents had affairs and she felt abandoned (hence her need for constant attention). I know personally I can't trust her enough to have kids with her at this point and I don't know if I would ever consider it now as I'm 36. We were just starting the have the discussion of children the month before the A was discovered. My entire future life plans are gone and need to be recreated.

From your posts it appears that your WW has a fear that she will be left alone. Make her fear a reality. You were betrayed basically hours after you married. Now, you need a BETTER woman in your life. After the house sells, get your apt. Then tell your WW where to go and how to get there.

I think you've made a lot of progress and I think that any kind of separation would be a big step backwards in that progress. Please don't do it. I'm rooting for you.

I think you've made a lot of progress and I think that any kind of separation would be a big step backwards in that progress. Please don't do it. I'm rooting for you.

I do agree that much progress has been made and she does seem to be remorseful. We do still have fun together (went to the Jaguars game last night) and the sex has been incredible. As far as a step backwards I'm not sure that's the case. For me it's about making sure I still want to be with her for the rest of my life after what she's done. This was the worst type of affair and was basically for the length of our whole marriage. She did everything with OM and chose to intentionally physically and emotionally neglect me. For that alone I can't forgive her.

I'm seriously considering seeing what else is out there because this can't be the best I can do. Maybe I just picked the wrong life partner, idk but I'm treading carefully before I fully recommit to my WW. Maybe I shouldn't have married the first person I fell in love with in college.

All I do know is that I have a much better sense in what I'm looking for in a woman and in a relationship.

***posting as a member***

Right now I have no goals other than finding happiness within myself again and regaining my self-esteem.

If this were true, then you could do that without separating. Location doesn't change anything. Poor self esteem remains with you no matter where you are.

To me, it seems that you only want this separation, so you can go have an affair without it being considered cheating.

You aren't doing yourself any favors by doing so. If you want to have a relationship with somebody else, then get divorced and you can do whatever you want.

If this were true, then you could do that without separating. Location doesn't change anything. Poor self esteem remains with you no matter where you are.

To me, it seems that you only want this separation, so you can go have an affair without it being considered cheating.

You aren't doing yourself any favors by doing so. If you want to have a relationship with somebody else, then get divorced and you can do whatever you want.

While I understand what you're saying, for me the location matters greatly. The two biggest triggers that still haunt my mind are my house and my WW. Changing my physical location is the first thing I must do to continue the healing process. Whether I get my own apartment or not is still undecided.

I feel as though I need some time alone for a few reasons.

1. Make new friends - for as long as I've lived in Florida the only friend I had was my WW. I do have lots of family down here so they are basically my social network.

2. Go back to school - Go to grad-school and get an MBA within 2 years.

3. Get some new hobbies and go to the gym more often.

4. Pursue self-happiness without looking for it from anyone else. I need to find out what makes me happy again because nothing I used to find fun is anymore.

5. Dating - I'm not the type to actively pursue the ladies or look for any sort of relationship but if I happen to meet someone during this period of self-improvement then I would consider that a bonus. I would be completely open and honest with anyone about my current situation.

I'm not actively looking for a revenge affair because I agree that wouldn't be helpful in any sort of way and hurting/using someone else in that way is just wrong.

That doesn't mean that having an honest, healthy, mutually happy relationship with a woman during this period of time is a bad thing. It might help me to regain my self-confidence and self-esteem. It might also help give me some perspective of how my WW felt.

How many BS can even begin to empathize with a WS and see things from their perspective?

Is it better to just get a D, then R and remarry if things work out or just separate and either D or R depending on how things work out?

It seems like a lot more work, effort and $$$ to D, R and then remarry vs. a trial separation and then R or D.

That doesn't mean that having an honest, healthy, mutually happy relationship with a woman during this period of time is a bad thing. It might help me to regain my self-confidence and self-esteem.

This is the same logic a WS uses when they have their affair, therefore you may already know how your WW felt.

There are much healthier ways to address poor self esteem and a lack of self-confidence.

Would you be telling this potential OW that you were only using her to boost your self esteem?