SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Who told you OM was separated? Call his wife and ask her if she knows she's separated. Cheaters lie - a lot.

You need to expose the affair to anyone who has influence over your wife. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Drag it into the sunlight and see what happens.

^^^^This is true. My WH magically found some remorse when people he respected found out what a shithead he had been. Magic, I tell you. Even people who's knowledge had no actual result in our lives, it's just because he cared what they thought. I guess what I thought and felt just wasn't enough at the time.

She has to go on her trip, there's no way to avoid it. Yesterday morning is when she said she didn't want to avoid physical contact, which got me to my lowest point and brought me here. Last night I could see that her stance had softened when she realized how much that hurt me, and which also contributed to the first real, substantive conversation about our feelings in a very long time.

I plan to see how things go in the next few days and weekend. The night before she leaves I'll ask her again to refrain from physical contact and hope that she agrees. If she doesn't, I will deal with it, stay strong and continue to work on us when she returns.

Please understand, I know this is a dangerous path I'm walking down. That I could be let down and hurt at any time. But the way I see it, if there's any hope left, you fight scratch & claw to make that hope grow. Only after I've exhausted every last shred of hope will I admit defeat.

You have set yourself up for failure. You don't ask you tell.

Your actions are telling her she can do as she pleases and you'll hang around hoping.

That will get you walked on. Respect is a big thing. You are putting yourself in a losing position

I am sorry you are going through this. I would like to say that you are going to bring much more suffering to yourself. You need to set hard boundaries. Not because you are being mean but because it helps protect you. She needs real consequences. File for divorce. You will be surprised how this affect her. Remove her from the house. Get a lawyer and protect yourself.

Sorry to say but regardless of what your wife promises you before leaving SHE WILL HAVE SEX WITH THIS GUY. I don’t know how you can be fine with that and wait for her return with arms wide open.

If she wants to save the marriage tell her she needs to either call in sick an not go or you go with her. If she says no and doesn’t want you around, it will be time for you to have some dignity and ask her to move out.

msrodg,

just curious - when your previous wife cheated on you, did she leave you for the OM?

Please understand, I know this is a dangerous path I'm walking down. That I could be let down and hurt at any time. But the way I see it, if there's any hope left, you fight scratch & claw to make that hope grow.

Actually, this is a well trodden path. It's also known as the "Pick me Dance". In this game of humiliation, the WS places the blame for the affair on the BS, ("I cheated because you’re a lousy whatever), and then the WS expects the BS to fight for them and prove their worth. It sickens me how many times a WS pulls that shit after ripping out the heart of their spouse.

The pick me dance always fails. Your best chance to save the marriage is to find a good lawyer and protect yourself. Let your wife know you mean business and take control of the situation. If she doesn't care about the divorce, then you know the marriage is truly over; however, if she does care, she should be the one fighting to save the marriage.

Please remember to get tested for STD's. Also, don't believe what your wife tells you unless you verify it for yourself. While the affair is still going on, your wife is the enemy. The OM and her affair are her number one priority, not you. She basically just told you that you are #2 in an open relationship.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Your wife is clearly in limbo and nothing can get resolved under such circumstances. You have been placed in an open relationship outside your knowledge and will - that is terrible. We understand how you feel right now but type of actions that need to be taken to stop the A does not have alternatives (for the A is going on), which is what you want. For a spouse in limbo, the proven way to make him/her face reality is to serve him/her with divorce papers. As others say, you can always stop the process anytime after the papers are served. It sounds bad and painful but I have read thousands of posts here by men/women in situations just as bad as yours and serving her the papers is going to shake her to her core. If that does not work either, then that would mean she has checked out of the M long ago. In either case, you will find strength and gain ground to move on with your life. Cheating is the behavior of selfish people (no matter what the circumstances were in the M) and you cannot be nice, understanding and accommodating to someone who is refusing to give up his/her A regardless of the number of decades you spent with that person. It looks like you are indeed a peaceful person but this probably is one the rare events that requires full confrontation and drawing of absolutely strict boundaries enforced by immediate consequences when crossed.

Edit: Hardenmyheart wrote "if she does care, she should be the one fighting to save the marriage." Yes, that is exactly the way it should be - your WW is the one that needs to fight for the M, not you. If she does not, I am very sorry but know that you will step out from a toxic relationship and open sail for new seas.

[This message edited by burcm at 8:06 AM, December 29th (Friday)]

I just re read your first post and a couple more responses you wrote. I will list a few critical things you said:

1. Your wife told you she didn’t want to leave the affair.

2. Your wife told you she doesn’t think your marriage can be saved.

3. Your wife told you she wants a divorce.

4. Your wife told you she will get physical with him again in the trip.

5. Your wife told you this guy is her best friend and she has never felt this way.

6. They have know each other for two years and he left his wife a year ago...which means he left her because he wants to be with your wife.

7. Even after telling you about the affair she is texting him in front of you.

My friend, I don’t think she is bluffing. I think she is being as clear as possible. Your marriage is over. This is horrible, was not handled the right way at all by her, but it is reality.

I know how devastating it is and the horrible anxiety you must be feeling. But resisting this will only make it feel worse. My advice would be to accept this may be over. If you serve her divorce papers right now she will sign them. I truly think she is as good as gone.

Work on yourself, focus on your daughters, pour onto them.

I know a HUGE part of the way you feel has to do with guilt for not meeting her needs, not going to counseling before, etc. I understand that, and the guilt will make you feel as if you caused this or could have prevented it. But know this....there are marriages like yours all over and most people don’t cheat. That was her choice and it was wrong. She betrayed you and your daughters. What she did was not justified. She could have told you a year ago that she was being tempted, to try to go to counseling, that she was unhappy, that she was thinking separation...all of this before deciding to sleep with another man. That would have made you realized you were about to lose her and work on things. When you throw a new man into the mix it makes it so much more difficult.

Again, I am sad to say this but I think she is being clear and this may be over. You need to focus on you and your daughters and accept your new reality.

I am still puzzled about the sex part. You say you love her so much, her smile makes you weak, etc. But then you said she “finalky stopped trying to have sex with me”. You didn’t desire your own wife? you are a dude....that just doesn’t sound normal and is something you need to address with an individual counselor for future relationships.

Especially if you say you are very attracted to her.

[This message edited by JC109 at 8:03 AM, December 29th (Friday)]

I will apologize again for being blunt, but you need to listen.

You need to read what people are writing to you. What would you tell your friend is he/she was in the same situation? Would you tell your friend to allow their spouse to go on a trip and screw their boyfriend, and work on the marriage when they come back? THIS IS THE DUMBEST IDEA I HAVE HEARD. EVEN IF SHE SAYS SHE WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM, SHE WILL BE LYING TO YOU. CHEATERS LIE. SHE IS GOING ON SEX TRIP WITH HER BOYFRIEND WITH YOUR FULL KNOWLEDGE! If this doesn't piss you off to no end, I don't know what will. Do they need to have sex in your bed with you in the room to catch your attention? You are completely denying the seriousness of this situation.

Your WW is only throwing out the possibility of working on your M to keep you calm. She clearly doesn't mean it because she is still in a relationship with someone else.

I understand you thought of "fighting until the last shred of hope is gone". I was there before too. You are fighting alone for a M and that doesn't work! And if you were fighting for her against the OM, you are doing that completely wrong.

Everything your WW has told you points to that she is done with you, she just isn't ready to leave the situation. As soon as she is ready, she will. If you are completely comfortable being there to help pay the bills and take care of the kids while your WW is in another relationship, then continue as you are. Because this situation will not change unless YOU change it. Your WW is not going to leave her A because there are no consequences to it. You will do whatever she wants. And if your fear is D, you're not going to stop it this way. Your WW has told you she is just waiting for the right time to D you. As the others have said, we are not trying to push you into D. We are trying to help YOU take yourself out of infidelity.

Why would you expect her to be honest with you as to whether she does or does not have sex with OM on this trip?

My feeling:

she is testing ground (cake eating). If she found the POS to be good she would leave you otherwise she would stay with you ( plan B). Even if you want to save this act like you are not going to tolerate this. tell her not to go and if that happened the R is almost gone. check with the separated wife (of POS) may be the separation is due to his infidelity (or something negative) which you can use to your advantage. Any how WW is in fog and your pandering is the worst thing for you and best thing for her. she knows she has options and also remember cheaters need the attention and love of BSs to fully enjoy chaeting. The moment you stand your grond (even against your emotions) she will have doubts and will not be able to enjoy cheating as much. Wish you mental strength

-I never wanted to do anything with just her.

-I was inattentive.

-I never brought her flowers or little gifts or love notes, anything to keep the flame alive.

-I wasn't interested in sex frequently enough. -I didn't respect her.

Every husband married 4 or more years would check most of these boxes. Romantic love dies. It must be replaced by a level of trust that makes each feel safe in their mutual decision to move forward as life-partners. Sex, romance, companionship all play a part in this but no one can continue with romantic love. By the way, is she bring the same level of romance now that she did then? And not just when SHE wants it - but often enough that you notice?

All that said, your marriage is dead. Call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings ASAP. You need to stop living with her so ask the lawyer the best way to proceed with an immediate physical separation. Then turn your back and walk away from this failed relationship.

I've sat back and read all of your replies, but remained stubborn in my plan. Until this morning when I saw she had sent an e-mail to him with a link to a youtube video for a love song. It was like a curtain dropped and FINALLY I saw how badly I've been treated. Each and every one of you said this would happen/was happening in one way or another, but I thought my situation would be different somehow......

I had a long conversation with a good friend who I trust deeply, who has also been cheated on and went through a divorce 2.5 years ago. She sleuthed for me and discovered that the OM is not divorced or even legally separated from his wife, and the internet further shows he's sharing the same address with her. So once again I was lied to by the WS, but why should I be surprised at that?

The good friend also kicked me in the ass and told me that the WS is not a good person and that I must have some low self-esteem to want to fight staying married to her. She suggested I only married her because she showed me so much love in the beginning and that I felt the strong need to protect her. She also suggested I never got over the hurt of my first marriage ending due to infidelity, so I was attracted to whoever showered me with affection and "love", and jumped right in. And once we had daughters, I stayed in love with the notion of family we had made, not with her.

Not only did my conversation with her help me get my mind right, all of you did as well. With every post I read, I questioned the wisdom of my decision more and more.

My consult with two different attorneys will be happening early next week, and I intend to move forward with a divorce. I'm going to keep everything from her until all my ducks are in a row, so while she's fucking away on her business trip I will start to get my life back together.

Again, thank you all for your advice. Sorry it took a while to sink in, but know you helped a lot!

Keep you posted.

Best.

While I'm sorry you had to see the ugly truth, the silver lining is you now KNOW EXACTLY what you are dealing with, and can begin to make your plan to get OUT of infidelity.

I think you are wise to meet with attorneys. And also wise to not fill her in on your discoveries or your plans.

You may also want to inform OM's wife. She deserves to know they truth about her marriage. When you do this, do NOT inform your WW that you are going to do so.

I will definitely be informing the OM's wife about all of this, but only after I've got everything in order. If I do it too early I tip my hand instead of keeping WS thinking I want her back.

My Man

You know what you need to do. Its good to see that you have finally realised where you are really at with your WW.

She will feed you whatever you want to hear. There is no doubt she has feelings for you and feels somewhat guilty for how she has hurt you but that's about as far as her guilt falls.

You need to expose this A to the OM wife's like right now. There is no reason to hesitate. Nothing blows up the A faster than the AP's spouse. If the 2 lovebirds decide they will set up housekeeping together then good riddance. Just don't be surprised that if her AP throws her under the bus in order to save his own M that she all of a sudden realises what she has done and begs for a second chance. That would be you as Plan B.

Everyone thinks that their situation is different and that if they do this or that and say this or that then all of a sudden the WS will come to their senses and coming crawling back asking for forgiveness and a second chance. Unfortunately most WS are cast from the same mold and as such 99% of the people on this forum are using their own situations as references for providing advice. And most of it is pretty much the same in regards to the actions & reactions of a WS

From my side its good to see you have realised that you are M to a liar, a cheat & a person with low morals & integrity. The faster you can get out of infidelity the sooner you will be able to recover from it and start fresh.

Sending Strength My Man

Thank you notanotherchance, it feels like a weight has been lifted. Grateful beyond words for it as well!

I want the WS to continue thinking all is normal back home, that her BS still wants her back. Strictly tactical, but if I inform the OM's wife too soon I lose the advantage of surprise. Maybe I don't need that advantage, but it feels better to have it for now.

I will definitely be informing the OM's wife about all of this, but only after I've got everything in order. If I do it too early I tip my hand instead of keeping WS thinking I want her back.

Plan it well and do it all at once. Without warning.

Remember, all cheaters lie, hide and deny.

It's good to see you fully awakened to reality.

I'm going to keep everything from her until all my ducks are in a row

Goodmove. Even act like you you have been acting where you still want to R. No neen tolet her know what your plans are. Looks like POS is a real POS. He may bolt when his OBS come to know and your uncaringW may all of a sudden start loving you