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How as a BS or WS have you been able to deal with memories that weren't what you thought they were because at the time you were unaware of the betrayals?

I still haven't figured out a way to do this. The time is just "grey" in my mind, if that makes sense. Things we did together during that timeframe used to glow with colors and emotions in my memories, but now if I recall them, they're meaningless and empty. They're dead. Like old weathered black and white photographs of people I don't know. There's no positive significance to them anymore. I think that's my brains response to what makes no sense at all. The madness of losing your reality. My perception of reality is that I was happily married to a great guy, but that was completely false and my mind doesn't know how to deal with that. I can't rewrite it in a way that makes sense, so I basically lost a year of my life.

I can't express strongly enough how this sort of thing tests one's sanity.

This one is really hard for me as a BS. I still deal with it and it still assualts me as I remember one more thing that feels tainted. I read a post once that said the memories aren't tainted for the BS. I was living genuinely and was present. It was real for me. This is most focused on our kids. He also apologizes every time he realizes it to me. That has helped me but doesn't really help my WS. He focuses on trying to make up for it as best as he can now. . He can't go back and change it. Some things are just done and can't be re lived and it hurts. He can however make a bigger effort now. He does. He also suggests making new memories which has helped. I think he is determined

To get it right and better from now until forever. He appreciates that he even has this opportunity. He tells me that too which helps.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 12:23 PM, January 10th (Wednesday)]

My life is divided now into 3 phases: the first 33 years of our marriage were wonderful, warm, all the memories true and authentic and I can look at pictures, or FB "On this Day" or reminisce with him and friends about those days with nary a trigger. Phase 2 is the next year - every picture, every memory is "oh, yeah, that was 2014". So it is ALL colored by the fact that he was cheating on me that year. A picture of us with our best friends - nope, not real, he wasn't REALLY my husband during that trip. Then is Phase 3 - everything after DDay. And my comfort is that all these pictures, memories and reflections are real again. But I doubt I'll ever look at anything from February, 2014, when the EA started, through March 25, 2015, when the PA blew up in my face with anything other than sorrow and pain.

That is a super common thing actually. I felt like my entire marriage was fake. Every bit of it. After I left and started repairing the damage, I realized my memories were in fact real. The love I felt, happiness, anticipation etc. For me those were legit and real. I also realized that while I got the "shitty end of the stick" - all the love, support, commitment and loyalty I had brought to the marriage were real. The whole raised by wolves thing makes that a HUGE accomplishment for me, seriously. Sure both ways would have been nice, but I still have that feather in my cap.

The healing process allows you to reclaim YOUR experienes regardless of what your WS was up to.

Yes to all this.

Because the A was comparatively short, only 6m, and I had a newborn at home, there are very few if any pictures of me and WH together, for which I am grateful. I feel like the months leading up to the A seem much worse to me now with the hindsight that he was not in a very good place, which is sad because that’s my daughter’s entire life.

But the worst is the months immediately following when I found out. Almost everywhere we’ve been and everything we’ve done is like a glaring neon sign pointing at the affair. The grocery store makes me sad. The house sometimes makes me sad. It is slowly getting better with time but I’m trying desperately to ignore all the anniversary checkpoints we are passing.

In a longer affair or one that was hidden for longer, I’m sure those memories are much much more difficult. Sometimes I just want to block out the whole thing and forget, but then I remember that I have to remember so I can be safe.

I am both BS (first) then became WW (so Madhatter)

As the BS knowing my H cheated while I was carrying our first child and only married under a year was and is devastating. I only found out (confirmed) once my affair was exposed but I suppose I always knew.

It sucks. But I am excellent at looking forward and not back. Always have been so I don't think too much bout it and its discussed a lot in IC,.

For my husband my A was during the time we bought our home. So that dampens the memories of that... how hard we worked for it etc. But we have both been able to separate that.

I guess just continuing to talk and to work on it. I am sorry I wish I had a better answer

islesguy - this! Oh my goodness this!

Those memories are forever tainted. I look back at the pictures over the span of WH 3 year LTA and question everything. We looked so happy [WH insists we were]. I can't stomach them. SHE is in them. The scrapbooks, pictures, vacations - all meaningless. I can't even wear my favorite hoodie from a vacation I had great memories of because I know know SHE was in our lives. I even told WH any future vacations can never be anywhere we have been while the A was going on and I was foolishly thinking life was wonderful. While we are attempting R, I can't even look at my engagement/wedding band because they are now only a reminder of a meaningless lie. 3 years of my life, our family, our marriage - a lie. I don't want any reminders of that time as they are only another stab in my heart.

I removed every wedding/vacation/Date picture from my hard drive. I don't want to ever look at any of them ever again. It's all meaningless to me. She led a double life for most of our marriage and I don't even know who I married anymore.

This is only my experience and perspective.

It's often said here, and I subscribe to it, that a WS will rewrite marital history to justify their actions. There was an excellent thread in general recently (Serjr, I believe) that described this behavior as part of defense/result of cognitive dissonance. A BS has to do something similar. The memories of events are now different in light of the affairs so history needs to be rewritten to reflect the reality of what is/was rather than the fantasy of what they were lead to believe.

This is an incredibly painful process. I believe that radical acceptance, living life on life's terms, facing reality for what it is and feeling the raw deal dealt to you helps a great deal in filing it all under "things I cannot change." Resisting, denying, bargaining, arguing with reality just serve to create more emotional distress and prolong the pain.

Live in reality, feel the feeling, observe the pain, it will in time lose it's power.

It took me a while, but I figured nothing was completely ruined.

It does suck to have to figure out what reality really was, there is no doubt about it.

At first I looked at photos of events, me and my sons, the whole family on vacations, and even happy pics of just me and my wife -- and I saw an idiot with the proverbial wool over his eyes.

But now, I see a dude who loved his family, doing the best he could with the info he had (yeah, talking about myself in second person is weird).

The infidelity killed the vows, killed the special promise we thought we made to each other. That was ruined.

My life is just life -- filled with fun, pain, laughter, sorrow, anger, etc., and is like everyone else's vastly imperfect run through existence.

It wasn't a mistake to love my wife, without any idea of her secret world, or to raise my sons with her. The truth leaves a scar, but among those memories are still some pretty good days.

In choosing to rebuild things, we're aiming at a new special, as the family able to overcome crazy adversity and pain and find a way through together.

I avoided pictures during that time, especially right after it all came out. They actually made me physically ill. It got better with time.

In response to doin just fines comment, I have to still actively NOT rewrite history. For me, if there’s nothing to hold onto from our past there would be no reason to stay and start over. I didn’t actively create a fantasy life, so I don’t need to rewrite it. Parts of my life were rewritten for me and that is another part of the violation. I have to stay in my truth and determine if I am able to accept what was his fantasy life and if/when he figures out his truth.

Most my memory’s are tainted. I couldn’t even look at my wedding photos for probably over a year without getting really mad. The worst part for me was I still had all my text messages to my husband during that time and I went back to see if I could detect something being wrong. I couldn’t but I had all these messages of me telling him I loved him and wanted him and stuff. I was physically ill. To sit there and read how pathetic I was being so in love and happy while he was cheating on me was very damaging to me. I still can’t be that way with him 4 years later. I say I love you that’s it.

For me as the BS it tainted my entire marriage. I realized this after Dday and then more things the following year. The things he said that were so hurtful blameshifting on to me. Then more lies it made me go back and re access our life together. I can say maybe 1/2 a year but this year I found a letter of a coworker from when I was pregnant. That’s our entire marriage that has him flirting and with poor boundaries.

The marriage I thought I had is gone and there are some good memories with our child. But nothing else really stands out anymore and I just don’t care.

Maybe I'm a bit of a irregularity on this topic. I as a BGF refused to give up my memories. Especially the good ones. I refused to let them be tainted, because I loved them. We traveled a lot at that time (we still do), my WBF was with me, we had a good time, I know for sure he didn't have any means to contact his AP, because we were in some really remote parts of the world, so the memories are mine and good. Period. I'm very analytical person, so I compartmentalize a lot, some memories are tainted, sure, but as times go by, you can reclaim them.

Some places were tainted too, but I refused to give them up as well up and reclaimed them, piece by piece. I did some pretty crazy stuff too, because he went climbing with her, which I didn't do, but I did it and loved the adventures. Now, almost 11 years later, I'm pretty good, we made some new spectacular memories, so there is hope for everyone.

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 5:53 AM, January 11th (Thursday)]

There is a photo of our kids from one of our vacations that I just love and have on display. When I realized that the affair had already started before we took that vacation, it really upset me.

I talked with my FWH about it. It took me a long time to realize that my children and I were happy and living in the moment. It is a loving picture and my children and I were not lying and deceiving anyone. So for me, it’s my FWH that should have pain when looking at that picture. He doesn’t agree because he was compartmentalizing what he was doing at work separate from his family life.

Well wh’s ea/pa lasted a real long time. A third of our m as if dday are tainted.

I have the following issues.

During pa years-I can barely see something that states the year. It makes my stomach turn. Our memories of good times during those years are all negative now. Eg we had our 25th Anniversary thenyear the pa started again. He said she wasn’t happy whenever we went away. Our anniversary weekend, now, looks, to me now, like something he had to do but didn’t want to or was out of pity for what I didn’t know was happening.

The trips -guilt

The jewelry? Guilt.

For the entire time that he was secretly either talking to her all the time via phone or in a pa with her, I see pictures or remember things that used to be a nice memory and all that goes through my head is that he was talking g to her during this get together or he was texting her during this vacation. It’s all tainted.

I'm only 3 months out but I can tell you I feel like the last year of my life with WH was a lie. When we went places he would be taking pictures but never of "us". Later found out he was sending the pics to OW. I thought we were out having a good time - that we were happy. Now, that is all ruined. It was all a lie

islesguy I haven't been able to deal with it at all. Particularly anniversary, Xmas, new year, both our birthdays, numerous events attended as a couple, it goes on and on from dec 2016-march17. So I'm right in the thick of it now. It's hard and nothing helps to get over it. I dread each memory as it comes up again on Facebook etc. I look back at those times as black now, they are all so tainted and I feel like an idiot for thinking we were good. I get so angry and upset about it. Xmas morning I just cried for how different I felt now. I'm dreading this coming week, this will be the worst I've had to encounter so far. All other events we have crossed I've not enjoyed anywhere near as much as I did last year and in fact have started to loose interest in attending now. Everything feels so very different now. I see our life prior to the affair as ok and not really tainted, maybe a month or two before hand when they probably were just chatting but not anywhere near the blackness of December 2016.

Mamacesto - same here I am 4 months post DD same thing now I still wonder if he takes a picture ( as he never really did our first 20 years) why he is taking a picture, always on my mind who he is sending it too?

islesguy - I am the BS I really struggle with this too. I had some pretty special times , at least I thought they were and then , BAM!

Also triggers of things like when someone mentions a place- I know I get a horrible look on my face. I am sure they wonder why.

Trigger items, I am burning as they come about, that shirt, you sent her a selfie while you were wearing it - start the fire.

I am trying to suppress them forget them, and make new memories, not very easy though. I am just coming around to 1 year of when the A started so it will be like going through it remembering what I THOUGHT and what really WAS.