SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks y'all for these wonderful responses . I ended up going into the JFO Forum these last couple of days...and I know it brings me down...it is a place of immense pain . I can't stay in that Forum for very long...even though these precious souls are the ones who need our help the most. It is just...so...raw . I am so grateful to those that DO go in there...that can offer advice and solace...I'm not that strong.

Angelvictorious...I LOVE your username!!! You are going through your first A season Dear Lady...and it SUCKS . But you are almost through it...and you have SURVIVED . You will do GREAT...I know it!!!

Oldwounds...as always...you are spot on my friend .

sunwillshine...I started to copy some of your post to quote parts of it...but ALL of your post is quote worthy !! I'm right there with you...even to the suicidal part. I'm so HAPPY to see you are here on the other side too . It IS very much worth it!!!

sewardak...I agree. I learned from my 1st M that it takes TWO people who are ALL IN for R to work.

Notthevictem...thank you for being our hero !!! Seriously...YOU my friend are an amazing example of positivity!!! You just seem to KNOW what to say...and your comic relief helps ALL of us. You reach out to others behind the scenes too...and for that we are ALL so GRATEFUL . We need a lot more umbrellas amd lighters in that pit!!! You are doing your part I'm sure...but we have a LOT of people who are slipping away!!!

W3IRZ...that post saddened me too...it is hard to see that this has come back for so many . You are a very CARING person my friend...and I have been helped by your posts often .

psychmom...I believe your M is a success story too !!! I knew my H looked at porn...and I did also to be honest. But I never knew the depths he had gone to . I saw a title on a thread here once about how porn changes a person's brain...and I thought that was silly...I dismissed it. NOW...I wish I would have read the danged post!!! The research is undeniable though...and rang true in my case...and it looks like it did in your case too. It CAN be overcome though...and Mr. Psych will be a better man...heck...he already IS a better man .

destroyed1...I come here daily too...and read almost every post in almost every Forum!! I couldn't have said it better myself...THANK YOU for your input .

Hopefulinbristol...you're welcome . I post on here for people like you Dear Lady...to give HOPE for those who are in R . It CAN happen...and when you make it through to the other side...it IS wonderful . It's not easy though...it is the hardest thing I've ever done. The fact that I could remember the RELIEF I felt after deciding to D my 1st H made it a little harder to be ALL IN at first. I am very HAPPY I stuck with it though...and that my 2nd H has seen me for the TREASURE I am in his eyes . I read some of y'alls blog too...WOW!!

hopefulkate...you had several posts last week that were so HELPFUL to me...THANK YOU for them !!! I really appreciate you sharing your stories!!! You are right about that thread too...GET that poison OUT some way...or it will fester and get worse.

intheblinkofaney...I tend to use more emojis when I am feeling happier . I agree...we do need BOTH posts on here. I hope you are healing from the last setback you had...even if it does end in D for you (((HUGS))). I think of you often...and I pray for you too.

My Mama was a WW...and I am the OC of her A. Wow...I've never admitted that on here before . It has been difficult for me to ever admit that anywhere. I looked so much like my Dad...the OM...so EVERYONE in our small town knew what was going on with them. If I hate other adultery co-conspirators...it is like I am hating my Mama and my Dad. That I could NEVER do...if that makes sense. I don't want anyone to judge my Beloved Mama in that light...she was the ONLY person on this Earth that ever loved me unconditionally. There is a lot more to this story...but I'm crying now by writing this...so I will have to save that for another day. I understand your hatred for the ACC...and I was consumed by it myself. I had to let it go some kind of way...the conflicts I had inside...comparing her with my Mama...it was tearing me apart. I'm not going to feel anything but LOVE for my Mama...so I had to find a way to get rid of the HATE for the ACC. Prayer was my way .

Thissucks5678...if there was a way to sacrifice myself to end infidelity...I swear I'd do it in a heartbeat. It physically HURTS me to see so many suffering from this .

sami1234...thank you for your kind words . R is very exhausting...you are so right about that. I can remember wondering if it was all worth it. Now I know...IT is . I will never be 100% guaranteed that an A won't come into my life again...but I am 99 44/100% sure...and that is good enough for me .

ISurvivedSoFar...you and DaddyDom are true inspirations for all of us!!! Thanks for your post...it is thoughtful and inspiring!! I am reminded of something I read a while back. It said that "All marriages end BADLY" . I didn't like that statement AT ALL!!! Then it went on to say that M's either END in D...or the other D...death. I brought that up to my H...and he said that there is another option...we might both go together...then neither of us would suffer the loss of the other . I made the comment that our children would be devastated..and he said that they had their own families...they'd get over it . It is FUN to laugh at some things together...even morbid stuff like that .

findingjoy...YES...YES...a thousand times YES!!! I want to write something similar to what you have...but I also know that not all of us have been down the path that you and I seem to have gone down. My 1st M...I was the QUEEN of the "pick me dance"...and I WON...he came back. Until he met his next "shiny" . NEVER AGAIN. I REFUSE to be less than number ONE. When my H confessed on DDay...I let him GO...the M was OVER...and there was absolutely NO emotion on my part. It knocked my H out of that affair fog QUICK. Having experienced this...I saw first hand that the "pick me dance" does NOT work...it only extends the inevitable and makes you feel worse for doing it. By being willing to LOSE my 2nd M...I saved it. I truly couldn't have done it without my H putting in all the work HE has done also. Whether we R'd or D'd though...I was NOT going to go through what I went through in my 1st M. NO ONE is worth that .

Walloped...I want to thank you and MrsWalloped for sharing your stories so publicly on here too . You are so right...it IS worthwhile...but there is an awful lot of BAD stuff to get through first. Unless you go THROUGH it though...you can't heal properly.

I need to his "submit message" now before I delete that part about being the OC .

Thanks for this post. I feel some of what you are feeling.

I do see AP as a broken person, but I have empathy sympathy for her not do i care what happens to her. She is not a thought anymore though. She is nothing to either of us now.

My WH is earning his integrity back. He is still a work in progress but it may be more that I am not in a place to feel comfortable that his integrity is in fact real yet.

I know I will never fully trust and I know that the A will be there, probably everyday, for the rest of my life, but hoping that it isn't.

I don't pain shop anymore, I don't obsess about the A at all anymore but its always there, like a parrot sitting on my shoulder.

I still have doubts. Doubts that my life now is real and that I am just not seeing something that is there. It appears to be the M I always wanted and a H that is loving, kind and would do anything for me. I just don't trust it yet. It will take more time, patience and consistent behaviour.

This site can be painful at times but there is some laughter and happiness here too. I always enjoy hearing about success stories because its what I want and it gives me hope.

When people come back a second and third time, its so sad. Its heart breaking to know that someones WS is capable of seeing the pain and causing it again on purpose. What kind of people do that? I hope my WH is not one of them.

I woke up this morning to my WH wanting to cuddle, caress me and tell me how much he loves me.

I am very happy that you are happy and have healed. I can't say I am healed yet but I can say I am well on my way.

W2BH you are and angel.

Thank you thank you again from the bottom of my heart to help me heal and set my expectations. I feel my clouds parting and the sunshine on my face again.

Virtual big hug my friend!

but we have a LOT of people who are slipping away

Here comes the 64 mill dollar question....

What's the difference between slipping away and graduating?

Sure, I'd love it if more folks who healed stuck around and waded through shit to grab someones hand. But it isn't reasonable to expect it. We have lives to live and even I don't plan on being here for years and years. Long enough to make it to a couple gtg's is my plan.

Then I'll come back to let one rip every now and again. Its hard to see the folks here I view as friends leave, sure, but ultimately its a good feeling. Hoping thats what happened to furious1. Dont mean I wont pm them a year out and try and drag em back for shits and giggles.

Want2b, if you've graduated, you've graduated. The goal here is catch and release.

Hugs to you Wants2b !!

Yup that is where I am at , willing to lose it to save it.

Crazy making shit indeed.

And I clung to all the positive recon stories in the thread at the top. I’ve read through all of them from the first page. Some names are still around posting and for that I am thankful.

Sometimes I will read their backstory and struggles and say to myself “ ok they went through 2 d days and then a false R and ok so I have not had that and they survived and thrived so get your shit together and we can do this”

Hope that doesn’t sound crazy

Keep that positive going Wants2b !!

It is hard to remain engaged on SI. Early on, I was posting like "some bat-shit crazy dude," as my good friend HenryIIX once observed. These days, I pretty much lurk and if I have something useful to say (or someone needs a little extra support), I'll post. Mostly though, I just read.

One thing's for certain, though, I still feel compelled to 'pay it forward.' The help I've received here has been truly priceless.

It makes me feel guilty to write some of this though...on here. I don't know what the secret is...why some of us can move on and live HAPPY and PEACE filled lives...and others can't.

I believe that life is a choice. We must choose to live life, choose to embrace the opportunity we have been given. We have to choose to be happy, to find our voice, to speak our truths, to be honest and gentle with ourselves, to find our own peace with this crazy, crazy world. We must choose to define who we are, what we want, we will and will not accept in ourselves, in our friends, family and neighbors. We must choose which socks to put on in the mornings and whether or not farting in elevators is socially, or even morally, acceptable.

Life is a choice.

I can understand why you might feel guilty about posting the things that you do when so many others will end up on a different path. Why rub in their faces, right? But you know, as much as that might happen, I'd imagine that the number of people you comfort and inspire is far greater.

I'm closing in on three years out from D-day and I still have trouble reading and posting in the JFO forum. One day, maybe, I'll be one of those old vets who can calmly and insightfully manage to triage newbies from the JFO into the other 'trauma wards' of SI.

Keep on writing the things that you write, W2BHA. This community needs more people like you.

I understand this so well! But you, my dear, make it a little bit easier to come here. I usually get on SI almost everyday - weekends not so much anymore, though.

What disturbs me most is the posts from BS that are only a month out (or less) and think that "things are going really good" or, "WS has made so many changes already"...etc...I can't even formulate a response to them without thinking how much additional hurt is still in store for them.

There is a lot of pain; I especially hate reading about the pain of longer term members. I do agree with you about working through it and getting to a better place. It is hard, tough, agonizing, painful, work! But each day I feel a little bit better than the day before - that's how I know what we are doing is worth it. I see those changes in my WH and I am sure he will get to a place where I never thought he could go...until then, it is good to have SI as a safe place to land when the goin' gets tough.

It is so hard to witness the pain we know so well and to try to help others create a path that speeds their recovery (i.e., have them not make the mistakes we made) . But as others have said, there are too many variables and some things need to be experienced even when we know what others have experienced before us.

I had two main issues at first. One I really thought I would be different than everyone else and heal quickly mistaking HB for being ok. Um wrong. I am not special at all. I had to go through the process and stages of mourning. DaddyDom wasn't special either. He TT'd and lied until he didn't just like others here.

The second thing I did was use SI to get him in shape. So the reason I kept our relationship secret (as best I could) was because I wanted others to tell him things he needed to know and that he wouldn't accept from me. It worked. I'd say, "well DaddyDom if you think that's true why don't you start a post on SI and see what others say." Or I'd post about it myself and he'd read the responses. I didn't want him to be able to claim the responses were biased so I keep our relationship underground until I felt safe.

Nothing took the place of doing the work ourselves but SI definitely moved us in the direction needed as did many books and hours of agonizing struggle. So have faith with others that they will learn too... Or not. But know that positive stories and 2x4's are so beneficial and you all are doing work that changes lives.

I have seen folks tirelessly write to so many persistently trying to break through emotional and mental walls. It isn't for jollies. It is to help.

So to all of you, I cannot thank you enough and to you W2BH for constantly reminding us to write about our positive outcomes. You have lightened my suffering and others I'm sure too.

Please continue to post the positive things. Some of here are truly trying to work on our marriages and when mad days come (like today) we can see the reminiscing about the disrespect and all of it dwindles. Just knowing that some do come out of this in a good place.

deephurt...it definitely looks like you are well on your way !! I LOVE that last part about the cuddling...very nice .

Used2bhappy10...those were such sweet words...thank you . I am so happy this brought a little sunshine into your life!!!

Notthevictem...

What's the difference between slipping away and graduating?

I was talking about slipping away into that bottomless pit of pain as you called it . I used to wonder why those that made it out of infidelity didn't stick around...I know now why they left . I don't begrudge anyone leaving...Life is GOOD on the other side!!!

Sadly...I don't think it was happy times that caused Furious1 or confused615 or others like them to not post anymore . I do wish them well though...and I HOPE they are HAPPY and at PEACE now .

intheblinkofaney...that doesn't sound crazy at all my dear friend .

Unhinged...HI THERE !!! It's so GOOD to see you!!! I haven't seen HenryIIX here in a while also...I miss her too . Thanks for your sweet words my friend...you seem to understand my struggle here real well. There is a fine line it seems to posting a positive story...and rubbing someone's nose in it. I don't EVER want anyone to feel "less than" because of one of my posts. As I get further out of infidelity...I seem to be losing touch with those still in the trenches if that makes sense. I want to WARN them to stay away from the "pick me dance" mine field...but some are determined to go there anyway. So I watch helplessly while they lose more of themselves . I know that attraction though...NO ONE could tell ME not to go to that mine field in my 1st M...I knew better. Your words helped me so much tonight...THANK YOU .

shellbean...I'm so HAPPY to see things are going well for you !!! Your post is very eloquently written...and oh so TRUE . Thanks for sharing!!!

ISurvivedSoFar...my H has a profile on here also and I wanted him to keep it a secret for the reason you stated . He didn't post as much as your H did...but he got some really good advice from some veteran Waywards. I am grateful to SI for having these Forums!!! Thank you for all of your insight...it is very much appreciated!!

Bpulli...thank you for your kind words...they help more than you know .

Thank you! I needed your post! We are staying together and working on us, but it is hard. I get in my own head most of the time. There is no use talking about things. I will not hear what I want to hear from him. I have to learn that this is my life now and deal with the pain. He is doing everything he can but I just get in funks that I know I should let go of, think about things that I want to let go of, and I still get so angry some days!! I know we can work as we still love each other, thank you for sharing your positive outcome and giving me hope!

YEP I feel every bit of this sometimes. BUT you are needed. Those positive things you post are necessary, oxygen giving, lights in the darkness. Don't feel guilty, you are lighting a lamp. A thread you started 16 months or so ago was the first thing that I had read since my world came crashing down that made me feel like it could be okay. That my dreams did not have to be taken away from me. I wrote a reply with my thanks and your response lives in my tagline because that kept me going.

As part of the positivity posse I know it can feel like we are rubbing our happiness in the face of those in pain some times, but that is a falsehood. We are just showing our truth - the same way those still in pain are showing their truth. Every person on this site has had enough lies in their lives. Keep being honest and truthful about where you are at. It helps so many.

Thank you for being you. You're my honorary fairy godmother and I am so happy I found your uplifting words when I needed them so much

<3

Want2B, I love your positivity. I work so hard at trying to remain it myself, but there's so much to work through.

I see the man I'm with now who wants to work things through and have a happy family.

BUT

Never in my life before this did I ever experience trauma. How do you forget that the man who wants you yelled at you, swore at you, deceived you, allowed his COW to manipulate you, justified his selfish abuse and yes, ABUSED you? You see how different he is now but how do you feel like you hold integrity towards your own self worth by staying with a man who did that? That's the part that sticks me.

I try to reconcile those thoughts by recalling that until I myself began to do work on myself I did not treat my own self in a way that was respectful. I excused away his poor behaviours. I didn't stick up for myself. I didn't draw any lines in the sand. I permitted poor boundaries. I played the role of martyr, of victim. These things I learned about myself through this, and I know that if I was ME now at that time none of this would have even had the opportunity to commence because I'd know my worth. And his A was the catalyst to discovering all of my worth and to stop negotiating my own value.

So in all of this we have both changed. He has discovered humility and appreciation and I have discovered how to respect myself. But in this idea of respect, there is that one glitch- accepting that I will remain with a man who abused me so, even if he changed.

Want2BHappyAgain, how did you reconcile with the fact that your husband betrayed you so?

Dontwanttogiveup - this...

There is no use talking about things. I will not hear what I want to hear from him. I have to learn that this is my life now and deal with the pain.

I don't believe this is true. I actually believe the opposite. If you don't leverage this messy trauma to expose your feelings and a new way of interacting, you'll suffer this trauma forever. Please don't give up. Please demand more of him and know that you deserve better. Don't think you are doomed to a life of suffering because you have more control. And don't allow him in your life if he is not meeting you needs.

This is easy to say, I know. I felt trapped and resentful but needed to reconcile it. In his Forgiveness book, Tutu says there are four parts to healing: Tell your story, name the hurt, renew or release the relationship, and forgive (the other party and yourself). It sounds like you are neither renewing or releasing the relationship which leaves you stuck. Tutu's book was such a big help for me as was Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I've also seen folks really like Pema Chodron's work and the excerpts I've read from her are terrific. Keep working at it so you can get to a better place.

Thank you Want2BHappyAgain.

This gives me hope.

This is what I want to shake into my husband now.

How did you get to this point? was it an aha moment, IC, MC, slap it into him..... please do tell us the secrest to happiness.

Can you tell me how long you were getting to this stage.

Just wanted to chime in

Like ISurvived and Wants2 my WH has a profile here and posts. I kept his user private as well up until last month.

He doesn’t post a whole lot, but does to seek advice such when he lied last month. He has gotten great help from a couple of vets on here that is has helped the process of his head ass extraction.

I left for a couple weeks. It felt great. Then I had a few thoughts I needed to work on.

SI helps.

Tessthemess,

Letting go of the resentment is one of the most difficult things about this.

The reasons for R must be wrapped completely around your heart.

The simpliest answer is our husbands didn’t live in a life of blessings. They lived a life of rejection.

It is sad. Think about all of the times your husband missed out on. Being one with you, smiling because of your joy. Your heart. It is so sad.

You have these reasons for R. I don’t know what yours are. I know mine. Love found a way back into my heart.

Sometimes, I will say. I’ve done this or that for years. You were too self absorbed to notice. Husband will echo my thoughts and reinforce his understand or validate my feelings.

This is a new life and why the words new marriage are used. Do you want the old marriage? Why pine for it? It was horrible! .

Dontwanttogiveup...you're welcome!! With a remorseful spouse...there is definitely HOPE for R .

There is no use talking about things.

I'm not sure if you are talking about things you already know the answer to...or just things in general. I have to say...for ME...talking about things was imperative to my healing. My H didn't want to answer some things at first...and I didn't force him. But I did tell him that IF he didn't...there was no point in going forward. I NEEDED my questions answered in order to heal. If he couldn't HELP me to HEAL...he could leave. But I do agree that there comes a point when all of the answers are given...and we have to move forward .

strugglebus...ooooo...the positivity posse...I LIKE that !!! Your words have lifted me up today...THANK YOU for that!!!

tessthemess...those are some very tough but valid questions Dear Lady . The way you have reconciled your thoughts and have seen your patterns is very commendable !!! This is a mindset changing situation for sure. It is said on here often...if nothing changes...nothing changes. YOU Dear Lady...are making the changes...and determining YOUR destiny...very NICE indeed!!

Want2BHappyAgain, how did you reconcile with the fact that your husband betrayed you so?

It was a process...and this took months for me to figure out. Sometimes I had to back track before I could move forward. I didn't find SI until a few months after DDay. I may have done things a little differently had I seen some of the advice on here first...but overall I did a lot of things right. For ME...I had to look at what I wanted my life to be like...and go from there. I didn't let emotion play a part in this process...because at the time my emotions were all over the place.

I had a template from my 1st M to show me what NOT to do. The "pick me dance" was OUT. I'm NOT second in my M to anyone else. I also didn't have all of the answers...but after the initial shock I was determined to NOT be in limbo like I was in my 1st M either. I took the offensive...and I drove that bus . I had always been of the mindset...and still am...that you can't change anyone...you can only change yourself. So...I never MADE my H try to change. Instead...I changed to become the wife I felt my H wanted me to be. That ended up putting me in infidelity HELL . After DDay...I still had the mindset that I couldn't change my H. The difference was...I was going to do what was best for ME...and he could either decide to CHANGE to become the H I deserved...or he could decide NOT to change. If that was his decision...he wasn't going to be my H anymore. It was a subtle difference in my mindset...but it had a HUGE impact on my life .

I made a plan of what I wanted. I WANTED a happy and healthy M with a loving and faithful spouse. My H agreed to this also...so now I had a sort of template to go by as to what TO do.

It was a lot easier said than done!!! This is where the emotions kept coming back and it hindered a lot of my healing. The huge DISRESPECT he showed me would be the biggest hurdle for me to overcome. But...when a trigger hit...I'd hit back. My H helped tremendously with this also. One example...there was a windmill restaurant that we wanted to go to when we were in the country where my H eventually had his A. I had to leave that country before we were able to go though. But he brought the ACC there...to OUR restaurant !!! He sent me pictures of it...told me a lot of the story behind it...and at the time I was so HAPPY he was there. Afterwards...when I found out SHE was with him...it PISSED ME OFF !!! How DARE he bring HER to a place WE always wanted to go!!! Now...we may never go back to that country again...but to ME...that was so disrespectful to bring his ACC there to share in his enjoyment of this new experience . What's done is done...but my H finally realized why this was disrespectful to me. He put a plan in place to give me a little bit of that respect back though .

Months after DDay...my H called me and asked me to meet him at a restaurant in our town. It was a little hole in the wall place that was only open until 2pm on weekdays and Friday evenings for Cajun dancing. We had talked about going to this place before...but for some reason my H insisted we go that day. So I went...and was there before him. I got us a table and waited. When he walked in...he was grinning from ear to ear. I figured something must have happened at work...but whatever it was...it was GOOD news !!! After the waitress took our order...my H grabbed my hands and said..."You OWN the 25th !!" I didn't understand at first...but then I realized...it was on the 25th that he took the ACC to that special restaurant...and now he was taking ME to a special restaurant on the 25th . It wasn't the same month...it wasn't the same restaurant...but WE were able to share and ENJOY a new restaurant experience together...on the 25th . More importantly...my H realized this...and set it up so that I could have this experience. THAT was pretty cool . I COULD have said that it wasn't enough...but with the encouragement I had given him before...HE thought this one up all on his own...and I feel that was a very respectful thing to do .

My H can't UNDO what he did in the past. NONE of us can change our past. But if I am going to have the happy and healthy M I WANT...I need to be able to allow my H to redeem himself. I can't keep treating him like a man who disrespects me...if that makes sense. I EXPECT my H to respect me...and I am giving him the chance to RISE to the expectation of the H I always wanted. To be honest...he has actually soared ABOVE all of my expectations .

ISurvivedSoFar...very well said !!!

mamabear22...I probably answered your question with the response I gave to tessthemess . We didn't go through IC or MC...and I never physically hit my H. I told him once that I WANTED to PUNCH him...and he said if this would help me to heal...he wouldn't lift a finger...for me to go for it. It made me calmer...and we both had a good laugh !!! I WISH I had the secret to happiness...I would GIVE it away to EVERYONE!! I did find out though that happiness wasn't what I was seeking. I thought it was...that is why I have my username...but it is PEACE that I needed . PEACE will bring you happiness . Those three things I have in BOLD letters pretty much sums it up for me . YOU deserve better. Don't EVER settle. And MOST importantly...FIGHT...for YOU .

Iwantmyglasses...very NICE!!! I remember grieving for my precious M. It was so SAD to see it die . But I like to say that my H resuscitated it and brought it back to life . If you've ever seen anyone who has had a near death experience...they LOVE life...and aren't afraid of anything anymore. That is sort of like my M. I've been in HELL...and conquered it. I'm not afraid of "what if" because I survived it!! I'm going to LIVE...and LOVE...and ENJOY my "happily ever after" WITH the man that I LOVE most in this world !!!

Thank you! All of you in this forum and these threads. Many of you have been so helpful in my journey. I truly appreciate all of you. I hope at some point I feel adequate enough to offer great advice like you all have.....

Truly THANK YOU.

Wow! What a great post. You are right, we cannot change the past. We can only look to the future. I always tell people that God can perform a miracle in their marriage, but sometimes we have to get out of the way and let Him do it! What a wonderful testimony you have. Congratulations!