SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TragicFarce - as far as my support system, my best friend and his best friend have been extremely supportive. His best friend is a BS who was able to reach a total R after 4 years of grieving. My best friend is the person that is holding my hand every step of the way and giving me whatever support I need. She has even sat down with DH to discuss how he may be able to win me back, in the far far future.

From everything he says, he understands how long the process can take (maybe even forever) and he is willing to do what he has to in order to make me feel loved and cherished again. He continues to tell me that it's not my job to fix this, it's his. Whenever I have started to blame myself (if I had been more attentive or a better wife, if I had told you how I felt about AP/S on NYE, maybe it wouldn't have happened!), he tells me over and over that he is the only person to blame. He tells me that he knows he broke our trust and our marriage and we can never go back, but he will prove to me that he wants to be with me until the end of time.

It's hard to resist those words. A large part of my heart feels that there is truth in what he says. A smaller, smarter portion is telling me to be wary and make him earn that trust back. After reading advice from all of you, I am trying to slow down and take a step back. How is that possible when we have two children with very busy schedules that we both need to be there for? We are parenting together, living together and spend hours talking every night. It's not that I am ready to forgive him, but I feel that we've started to build a new, different relationship and I don't know how to process it.

Mickey - Yes yes and yes!

I don't actually think he's blame shifting though. I very early on told him that he better not ever try to defend her to me or he'd be out of my house so fast his head would spin. I am not asking for agreement on when I have moments where I try to blame her for all of it, but I am asking him to be quiet about it. If I say this is all her fault, he better not say a fucking word. Not in agreement or in denial. He do feel that he is taking complete responsibility.

Mickey, another thought - he has said repeatedly that he NEVER thought of her in that way, he always thought of her more like a sister until that night. But I do think your right that somehow they lowered their walls to each other before the A happened. It may have been one sided feelings or they could have both felt that way, I do think his was completely unconscious of it whether only she felt that way, only he felt that way, or they both felt the same. I don't know about her, because I haven't contacted her since four days after D-Day

Nothing about the double betrayal makes any sense. You are right, it is COMPLETE BULLSHIT!

I don't think you are trying to make it more palatable or justifiable. Wrapping your head around the fact that two of the closest people to you had sex in your house while you were sleeping is so hard.

I had so many feelings of I was right there, I could have woken up at any minute and found them, if only I had stayed up, none of this would have happened, my son could have woken up and found them, who the fuck do you think you are having sex with someone close to me in my own home.

I was in IC for about 9 months before it just clicked. Affairs do not happen between two rational people. So your husband, like mine, probably never even had any of those thoughts cross his mind, especially in his drunken state of mind.

I actually did wake up at 5am while AP and my husband were creeping around the house after. It seriously messes with every fiber of your being, and again, I'm so sorry you are here, but you've found a good place with people who can sadly relate to what you are going through.

Puglife - you are saying ALL of the things I have said to both my DH and my S! What if I had woken up and came downstairs? What if my 10 year old saw his favorite aunt, naked on the couch with Daddy's head between her legs? I thank God every day that didn't happen, because it would have destroyed him.

Pug, you said you are 15 months post D-day. Do you mind sharing where your relationship with WH is now? I know a lot of people say that I shouldn't even be considering R yet, I have too much healing/grieving still to do. I get that, I really do, but shouldn't I have something to hope for? I don't know yet if I will ever forgive either one of them, but I do know that I cannot picture my life without him. It sounds so pitiful to say that after what he has done to me, how can I possibly still love him this much?!

Hey, Double Whammy, I just wanted to say sorry about my post from last night. I clicked on the wrong place and was the one who was lost. 🤣🤣🤣. Sorry I was a dumbass.

DW-

Right now, things are good, so good between my husband and I. Sometimes I pinch myself to make sure I'm not just living in lala land.

But not to sugar coat anything, it has taken a tremendous amount of work on both of our parts to get here. I vowed to myself to not make any decisions on weather to R or D for 6 months. I also didn't let him in on my timeline. I allowed him to show me that he was 110% in through his actions, and he has gone above and beyond anything I asked and even things I did not ask for.

I told my husband that I would never forgive him for what he had done because in my head, what he had done was unforgivable. I did eventually forgive him, but not until recently. Something just clicked, and it came so easily in that moment of clarity. I could tell it was a huge weight off his shoulders, but my forgiveness was on his shoulders to bare. He still tells me he never expected to be forgiven, so while I will never forget, forgiveness has been a good thing for us.

As far as forgiving his AP, that will never happen. Where our stories somewhat differ, is that unlike you, my husbands affair was not just a one night thing. I was dealing with a bat shit crazy "friend"' and because she knew that my H was too scared to tell me about the incident when confronted, she blackmailed him and gaslighted me for an additional two months to continue the A. She wanted my life, and was going to crazy lengths to have it. She threatened my sons safety if my husband did not open the door for her at night, and during the day, she would tell me stories about her previous nights escapades with my husband while I was thinking she was talking about her own husband.

There are a lot of phases to get through. Specifically, the anger (I may have thrown a full beer can at him across a 4 lane highway after I left a bar in anger and he followed me). It's all hard, but if you are both committed to doing the work, then the reward can be so great!

MHarris - more than OK! We are all lost or have been lost around here. Sending hugs!

I asked him if he came on her stomach, her ass, where? He said in a tissue in the bathroom. I don't know why he stopped and didn't finish with her.

Sorry, but this seems a bit far fetched. Cheaters lie. So hammered that he can barely remember what went on, but not too drunk so that he could still get it up? Then, while going to town, he suddenly has an epiphany, stops, walks to the bathroom, and finishes himself?

Regardless of the question, if he is truly remorseful, he should answer all of your questions truthfully.

CaughtThem - It does seem strange and I asked him about that. Why did you finish somewhere else? It wasn't as if he pulled out and then went right to the bathroom. After he stopped being inside her, not having finished, he lead next to her a while and engaged in petting and rubbing her down there. That kind of just slowed down and stopped, and then he went into the bathroom. As someone else pointed out, that's so strange that it has to be true.

As far as questions - I ask him pretty much every single question that pops into my mind. As far as I know, he has answered as truthfully as possible, but I take that with a grain of salt because he slept with my sister and then didn't tell me. Honestly, it may be stupid, but I really do trust my instincts more than ever right now, and deep down, I believe everything he is telling me. I don't tell him that, though, and although that's how I feel deep down, I am not ready to feel like that outwardly yet. If that makes any sense whatsoever...

PugLife - I am glad that things are going well for you and your husband. I am sorry they put you through that. I also take heart in knowing that it is ok for us to work on our marriage, even while in the midst of trying to heal from a betrayal, and even if forgiveness has not been given or expected. My WH has told me several times over the past few weeks that he fully expects that I will wake up in a few days and tell him to get out, and that he knows it is what he deserves. But he also says he is going to make the most of every moment before that happens. He said if I decide I want a divorce, he will continue to support all of my decisions. He said he lost the right to have a say when he betrayed me.

Like, how does he keep saying all the perfect things my heart needs/wants to hear? He shares every single article that he has read with me, and he seems to really be taking a hard look at himself and how he could have let something like this happen in the first place. And I know some will say it, he's just playing a game, but since I have to live my own truth, I know that this isn't the case.

I can see the tissue story being true, and normally I try to pick everything apart. When my husband has a lot to drink, and we have sex, he often has trouble finishing. Maybe that was the case.

My husband has stated that he fully expected me to hand him divorce papers everyday when he returned home from work, and everyday that he has not received those papers was a gift he was not going to let go of.

He was a complete douche to me during his affair, but as soon as it was exposed, the switch flipped. A lot of people here have not dealt with a WS that was completely remorseful right from the start. There are a lot that are still in the "fog" or just regret that they were caught.

My H was relieved that he was finally caught and never had to see the AP again (they were evicted from their home the next day). There was also regret that it had ever happened in the first place, but his initial response was that of complete remorse, and owning up to what he participated in. He has been in IC since a few weeks after DDay, and has figured out all the why's and what lead him to have such poor boundaries.

You now know your truth. Own it. The rose colored glasses are off, and you now know what he is capable of. Allow him time to prove to you with actions that he is worthy of a chance to right the wrong he has done to not just you, but your children as well. Hopefully he will keep up with all the right words, but keep him accountable for the actions that need to back up the words. Just a small example, but my H said he wanted to be more present in our sons life. He makes it a point to let me sleep in, and they have time with each other when he takes him to school a few days a week now.

I think asking him to quit drinking/drugging and attend AA would be a good option and an eye opener for him. If your WH can't control his actions around other women when he drinks he shouldn't drink. At all.

Ask me how I know

Hugs (((DW118)))

LC - thanks, I need all the hugs I can get! He has already agreed that it will be a long time, if ever, before I can trust him to drink again And he recognizes it is of his own doing. I don't think AA is necessary because we both very rarely drink (less than once a month). But when he does, he doesn't find a stopping point and gets out of control.

Despite the fact that some (most) of this is hard to hear, I greatly appreciate everyone's thoughts and supoort.❤

Once again, Not Just Friends could open his and your eyes by Dr Shirley Glass

He said that it's not that he doesn't remember anything. He remembers how it started the second time, but the acts themselves blur together with the previous night. Because he cannot definitively remember whether or not they actually had intercourse,

I woke up pretty groggy yesterday morning from a sleeping aid I had taken the night before. But I can tell you exactly what I ate for breakfast, which bowl I used, where I sat down when I ate it, where I put the bowl when I was done. Without question or hesitation, even in my groggy state I would know with certainty if I had also fucked someone before or after breakfast.

Saying he knows they fooled around but cannot remember putting his dick in her or the feeling of having a dick in a vagina that morning is just nonsense. I know saying that is not pleasant for you to read. But a man would have to be close to unconscious to not rememberer the activity I just described.

Sorry as I know this is all a shitstorm of hurt.

Breakfast in bed is nice. Love bombing you feels good. But what work is he doing on himself so he can figure out why he did this? What work is he doing to become a safe partner for you?

Other than an upset wife. What consequences has he had?

Nope. Couldn't, wouldn't do it. He'd have to go and the sister too.

When I found out, I didn't confront until I had a PI find out everything and then I contacted her H and we confronted together. I had already made up my mind his cheating was a deal breaker, had no intention of R.

My thoughts are, if he'd cheat in YOUR HOUSE with your sister, he'd have NO problem cheating in some sleazy hotel with a stranger from a hook up site. Nope, couldn't do it.

But good luck to you.

I have one question.

Why are you harder on your sister than your WH ?

It's both of their fault but even moreso his IMO

Sorry you are here