SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hellfire- he has scheduled with an IC and has started attending church (even without me). He is definitely working to fix something broken inside himself, and he's doing it on his own. He said regardless of what I decide about our relationship, he needs to change and become a better man for our children.

Western - I'm not 100% sure and I ask myself that a lot. I read somewhere that we often feel more anger towards the AP as a subconscious way of protecting our love for our WS. Also, he's here with me, trying to repair the pain he caused and I can visibly see the consequences he suffers. He is the father of my kids, and I guess that means more to me than a sister that I've only become close with over the past several years (5-6 years as opposed to the 15 year history with my husband). I know it's not necessarily logical or rational, but what about any of our situations is?

[This message edited by DoubleWhammy118 at 7:45 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

Your sister is the one who at least had enough of a conscience to confess it to you. He, on the other hand, was playing mind games with you after it happened. She clearly felt horrible about it, and she told you details that she KNEW would make her look bad so you would have her full side of things. She’s also a lot younger than he is and has less relationship experience, and even if you’ve only grown closer to her in recent years, she’s your flesh and blood. She also isn’t the one who followed him into the living room, embraced him from behind, pulled his pants down and went down on him. You’ve said yourself he is a pro at oral. It could have stopped at the kissing (which was bad enough), but the oral pretty much sealed the deal.

I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m just pointing out things to make you think. If you can forgive your husband, you should work toward forgiving your little sister. They were both wrong; she isn’t more wrong than he is. Father of your children or not.

DoubleWhammy118,

No advice, or words of wisdom. Just hugs and prayers. I can't even imagine the hurt you are feeling from being betrayed by 2 of the closest people to you.

Your sister is the one who at least had enough of a conscience to confess it to you.

Or she was doing damage control. She did include how she knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. She could have easily been trying to manipulate the situation/confession herself.

Blood is thicker than water has nothing to do with this. Your immediate family...you, your husband and your children is where you focus right now.

Don't even worry about forgiving your sister...or your husband at this point. And if you decide you cannot forgive her and/or you cannot include her in your life anymore...that is fine! You do not have to do either just because the OW is your sister. I, myself, cannot imagine ever being okay standing in a room with my WH and the OW/Sister...wondering if the 2 of them are thinking about the time he went down on her and then fucked. No way...no how!

Doublewhammy...I am so sorry you are going through this. Dealing with just one betrayal...your WH...is bad enough. Right now, focus on you. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. Take your time...with everything! And as nice as breakfast in bed for the rest of your life is...your WH needs to figure out what he is going to be doing the other 23 hours of the day to hold himself accountable and honest. He needs to figure out why he did this...and why he did this with your sister of all people! To me, that is deeper layer of screwedupness. He is going to have to dig deep, face some pretty unpleasant things about himself, and then put into action...action not words...the things he needs to be and do to be a safe, loving partner for you.

Coast - Thank you. Honestly, you wrote my thoughts, lol. IF my H and I move on, it will have to be without her in my life. But forgiveness doesn't mean having a relationship with. I can forgive her and still maintain distance. They can have NC ever again. And as you said, my immediate family needs to be my focus. I'm trying to take my time with this process. It's hard to not try to sprint for the finish line,but it's exhausting because the finish line isn't even in sight.

I agree with someloncholy.

I do appreciate the explanation, Doublewhammy. I understand your position better and only wish you strength

I cannot imagine!

About two years after we married, my SAWH and I were laying in bed one night and the subject somehow came around to "hall passes." Mine were a popular male singer and an actor on a popular show at that time (over 15 years ago). After thinking about it, my SAWH said if he could f**k anyone he wanted, it would be (my sister's name). I was expecting someone like Jennifer Aniston or some other celebrity, but never in a million years did I think he would pick a family member of mine.

I was devastated and it took me a lot of time to get over the hurt that caused and that was knowing that she wouldn't have looked twice at him.

I am so sorry you are in this place and hope you can find a way to some strength and peace.

DW, I just want to say that you will truly be on a roller coaster. This is a grieving process. Don't be surprised when you wake up one day and want to throw the breakfast at his head.

It's a process.

Have either of you started reading "Not Just Friends" yet? super helpful book.

I've read through this several times. I'm sorry you're also having to post here. There are better things we can do with our lives than scramble here every day.

That's a tough one. Similar to mine except my wife slept with a person I considered a good friend. She also admitted to crossing the line with another friend I had known half my life. Then, one day confessed she had messed around with another guy five years prior. She also slept with his room mate, twice. Oh, there was another guy she left the bar with and rented a room with. Slept with him too.

A line from Pulp Fiction comes to mind. John Travolta says "You just can't stop fucking me over can you!?!"

Sorry, I got lost with my ramblings on that last post. I was posting to say, the above poster has a very valid point. At least your sister told you. She seems to have approached it with a heavy heart but a level head. Your husband on the other hand seems like he would've kept the secret forever, hoping for another midnight session with little sis.

You're suffering a huge blow to your pride, self esteem and your heart. They really put a lot on your shoulders to deal with. Wish we all could have met under some better circumstances.

Personally I've grown bitter and resentful. Its a monster that grows more each day. I can count the times I've looked this woman in the face, with my fingers. Its been over five months, and I still haven't begun dealing with this.

Each time a New detail comes out, its going to restart the clock. Almost like finding out all over again. Its not easy. I've heard statements from people who have lost a child say that the lies and cheating was almost the same level of pain. Truly saddening.

People cheat because they want to. They also don't cheat because they want to. What you need to do is find you something hot and rub that down in a motel room. Make sure you have twice as much fun. It will do a lot for you to be able to experience pleasure with someone new. Someone you don't already feel deeply betrayed by.

I'm sure I'll get a lot of slack for that comment but hey, your husband opened the door in your marriage to sleep with whomever you please. By doing so it will desensitize your pain towards your husband. It Will also let you know that there's other options out there. However heartless that sounds, it does work for a lot of people.

What else might happen is you'll feel deeply hurt by your own actions. But look at it like this, at least you'll enjoy this fucking right?

I can't relate to the betrayal of my husband and sister but I do know both relationships will take time to heal. Whether it is a sibling, best friend, coworker that has come over to your house, etc. It is all painful and it is all wrong. For your own sanity, I would try my best to not relive the details of their affair. Of course images, and things that he said may pop into your mind out of the blue but ask yourself is there anything that he has told you (and he gave you a lot of detail) that made you feel any better? Spare yourself further pain and seek professional help for yourself and hopefully together with your husband one day. You can survive this massive storm but it will take a lot of grace, forgiveness, patience, and self-control.

DoubleWhammy,

I hardly ever come to this site anymore and rarely ever comment, but your post and the many responses you've received somehow really got to me. And I'm many, many years past my first d-day and a lot of years past the one the finally ended my marriage.

First--you seem like a lovely and articulate woman and I'm very sorry that two people you love so much hurt you like this. Frankly, the fact that you are even able to construct a coherent sentence this soon after what happened, much less explain your story and respond so clearly, is a pretty good indication that you are a tough cookie. Hang on to that--you're going to need it.

The single best piece of advice I got when I went through this was from my therapist who simply said, "don't be in a big rush to get divorced; you can ALWAYS do that so don't make that your first decision or think that's the only one you can make." I ultimately did, but not for a long time. I waited for changes in behavior, remorse, ability to trust and indications that under the cheating and lying was a better husband and father. When it was obvious that wasn't going to happen, I did what was necessary to make sure I could support myself and my kids, and then divorced when I was ready.

It sounds like your husband is doing all the right things, answering questions, treating you better and that's promising. But I also promise you this, at some point he will get tired of it. Especially on those days that the roller coaster he has set in motion makes you sad and angry, when you get triggered and lose it and when you let him know just how horribly what he did hurt you. He will accuse you of not being able to "just get over it, for God's sake. I'm doing everything I can and you won't let it go."

Then he'll start in on what you did to help this happen. Like he tried to do before you knew what he did with your sister. So be ready.

And don't get me started on your sister. I have three daughters and if I found out that one of them had done something like that to one of the others I think I would choke her with my bare hands. But I digress. . .

You need to make the decision that works for you, your kids and your family. By the time I divorced my ex I felt it was what I needed to do. It still wasn't easy. Not then, and sometimes still not now. Every family thing is different due to divorce. Birthdays, holidays, graduations, weddings, funerals.

I hate missing any time with my kids, even now as they're adults. I hate that their father has a new wife who is threatened by my girls which makes her mean to them, and two little boys that my grown children have to figure out how to deal with and how to explain to people because their father and his wife are old enough to be the kids' grandparents.

And I also envy a close friend of mine, who found out years later that the husband she adores cheated on her with a co-worker. He's been a perfect husband since, but it took her years to deal with the shit sandwich she was served. She chose not to tell her kids or anyone in her family so they could continue to see him as a great guy. Now they've recovered and are happy as can be. They have a great time doing fun things together, travel and are each other's best friends.

So I guess what I'm saying is that there are lots of ways to do this. Only you know what can work for you in your situation. It just sucks that it takes such a long time to figure it out and that it is so painful while you do it.

Good luck to you, strength, peace, healing--all of that and more to see you through. Take care of you.

Double betrayals bring additional pain and challenges. You may want to check out the Double Betrayal thread in the "I Can Relate" section.

The path to your own healing is a long one, so be patient with yourself and surround yourself with whatever support you find to be helpful. It is a roller coaster ride that is only getting started and you will need to sort out along the way what things look like for your marriage and for your sister. However, being only a few weeks out, it is far too early to be determining anything other than how you need to deal with your own wounds.

He is definitely working to fix something broken inside himself, and he's doing it on his own.

That is a good starting point, but the proof with manifest itself in the coming months. What he is showing you so far is largely regret -- that is being sorry that he has been impacted by his mistake. He is love-bombing you, jumping into church suddenly although you've desired it for years and agreeing to what you want. He needs to get to the point where he sees that there has been a hidden character gap within himself, that he is broken and that he is the cause of unspeakable pain. If he gets to that point, then you should see remorse -- being sorry not for himself, but for the pain he caused you and for the wedge he has driven between you and your sister. He will also need to decide whether to take the character gap that he has identified as an excuse for his behavior or as the starting point for making substantive changes within himself.

I love my husband more than I can possibly express and I do not want my marriage to end.

Be ready for this feeling to change in the coming weeks/months. The first phase after Dday is shock/denial. That allows you to shield your wayward spouse and focus the blame on the affair partner. It helps to support the cognitive dissonance that is occurring -- seeing your husband as the one you believed you knew instead of the one that his actions have shown him to be.

Anger is coming. Anger is the natural response to a situation that isn't right. And there is lots that isn't right. But you will likely find that your anger will shift from primarily being focused on your sister towards being also given to your husband. He took vows to you and he owns responsibility for what he chose to do.

You have a long road ahead of you. For your own healing. In figuring out whether your husband is good reconciliation material or not. And in sorting through what your relationship with your sister will look like going forward. Be patient and kind with yourself. Time will help in your healing and will give you an opportunity to discern what is the best thing to do.