SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You did awesome, buddy and you're doing everything right...I shed some tears reading this. I cannot imagine how hard that was for you, and how hard this is for the kids...and even your WW...because now she is beginning to see that....

God, infidelity sucks so fucking bad and hurts so many in its wake.

One day at a time. Sometimes, one minute at a time.

Peace...

I think you did great. Your head is in the right place.

Only question in my mind was her explanation of how this all started and why she thought it was ok for a married woman to have sex with another man.

But sounds like you weren’t ready to have that discussion. And that is reasonable. This doesn’t have to be your last talk. You should be willing to request the type of calm meeting anytime you see fit.

As for SI, I think it’s important that you request she not read your thread. Tell her it will not help her cause any if she does.

Since she now knows about the site, you might want to let her post in Wayward Section at some point. Perhaps after she gets some IC under her belt. But I’d recommend you also not read her thread, but that is your choice.

Sending thoughts of strength to you.

Well done... 2018... Well Done...

Sending Strength

all I can say is you are handling this like an absolute pro. It's such an anomaly to see a BS grab the bull like the horns as you have. I'm impressed beyond words. I don't think you could have handled that talk any better. Really well done brother !!

Has she emailed administrator asking to open her own account here.?

I am truly sorry this happened in your marriage. It was kind of you to listen to her and have these discussions.

Life could surprise you even more. Maybe you will find you like what your wife will become.

It’s very rare for a WS to seek this type of help for herself. This quickly.

Out of curiosity, have you read “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.” There is another PDF type book called “Who You Will Become”on Linda MacDonald’s website. The Who will you become is IMO the most accurate in the Wayward mindset. HTHYSHFYA. Would give you a good read to see if reconciliation is a path you want to pursue.

I wish you the best. How old is your daughter? I have read 15-18 years of age for a female to be exposed to adultery is one of most damaging events which can happen to a female.

Was your wife going through menapause or early menapause at the start of this affair?

You did great Steve! You still need to get closure on her version of why she did it (not that I expect you will ever get the "complete" truth).

Why (as someone else asked) did she feel it was OK for her to fvck another man?

Why someone at work ?

It would be useful to get her answers on these. Did he ever coerce her? Who made the first move? What was that move and how did it progress? Did she find him more attractive than you at any stage?

[This message edited by manfromlamancha at 9:15 AM, March 29th (Thursday)]

Big support for your D decision. I too divorced my WW without delay. I told her pretty much exactly what you told your WW. We did later remarry. I should have waited longer to let that happen. However, we were ultimately able to R to a reasonably good place. The D was an absolute must for me. I needed it to make the dead M dead for real. I could not say the marriage was dead then pretend that we could create a new one without burying the other. It gave me some control back. Doing it quickly with a considering a future if things changed was essential to getting her to offering no stipulations, resistance, requirements, or demands. She was 100% in support of any D arrangement and details I wanted.

From my experience, your decision is a good one.

[This message edited by DIFM at 9:28 AM, March 29th (Thursday)]

This is tough and I'm just praying for all of you.

You did great brother. You laid out the ground rules and made sure she knew where you stood. Be vigilant.

You may have questions as to why. Don't let those slide away without getting answers that you are entitled to. You deserve that.

How long did the affair last ?

[This message edited by Western at 9:45 AM, March 29th (Thursday)]

DUDE

This isn't something that you want to be an expert in but holy smokes did you do an all-star job

Wow, 2018MLMM. WOW! That was well executed.

I am also a bit surprised at the proactive steps your WW took right out of the gate to seek help. Most at this point would ramp up the denial and blame shift campaign full charge, but she's already trying to seek guidance from this site. I'm not saying she gets a gold star sticker but this is definitely a much better response to exposure than I usually read about on here. I'm certain a LOT of this is a result of how well you executed that exposure.

I need to point out what DIFM posted earlier -

The D was an absolute must for me. I needed it to make the dead M dead for real. I could not say the marriage was dead then pretend that we could create a new one without burying the other. It gave me some control back. Doing it quickly with a considering a future if things changed was essential to getting her to offering no stipulations, resistance, requirements, or demands.

I can definitely related to this logic for all those reasons. Something for waywards to let sink in when their partner says that want a D. You should fight for your partner, not for the M.

Can someone please explain why I’m crying reading your comments???? Jesus!! I’m supposed to be a f-ing man!!!!

I’m a G-D wuss!!!!

Thanks.

I think she was kicked out of the fog by getting the no contact from pos and then to suspended from work. There is no denying video and photographic evidence.

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 9:57 AM, March 29th (Thursday)]

You did great. She definitely sounds like she has read here and especially in the Wayward section. Time will tell for you both if she is taking this all to heart or just paying this all lip service. You'll be able to see clearly if she sustains this I think.

I do think if she starts to post here you should both agree if you are going to read each others posts. I would recommend not and also agree to not post back and forth comments here that are better said to each other privately.

going scorched earth usually works. i know it's hard but damn, always results. proof that what the WS has with AP isn't real and just goes up in smoke.

She then asked if there is any chance for us. I told her that I am going to go through with the divorce, but do not have a problem if I decide that we could have a parallel track where she works on her issues as to why she did this, that we might have something. I said that while I feel no obligation to her, I would not have a problem to the possibility of deciding if I want to date the new her or not. But I will not be guilted, manipulated, or coerced I into it. If I decide to do it, it is because it is something that I want for my own reasons

I clearly stated that this current marriage is over. The woman I married is dead and gone forever, just like the man she was married to is gone and will never return, and this is all because of her.

But that does not mean that there is zero channce that the new people we are won’t have something. I told her that a second marriage was something that I thought was a possibility, I made it clear that it will be incredibly tough and most likely will not happen.

2018MLMM

The above is fantastic and should be put in a special place for others to read.

You wife's reaction shows that she knew that you were a good husband. She thought the affair would be free because she would never be caught.

SpaceGhost's wife was the same. She had no problem dumping the OM right away and would immediately do anything to save her marriage. There was no fog. The OM was just a guilty pleasure that was worth it only because it was free.

SpaceGhost's wife didn't think sex was a big deal. That's why she was able to cheat. She wasn't betraying him in a way that mattered.

The relationship with her husband was all that counted and it was good. She even gave him a gift and a card during her affair that told SpaceGhost how much she loved him.

SpaceGhost:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

[This message edited by Michigan at 10:53 AM, March 29th (Thursday)]

Yep...going nuclear always works. It burns off the so called 'fog' in an instant.

Can someone please explain why I’m crying reading your comments???? Jesus!! I’m supposed to be a f-ing man!!!!

I’m a G-D wuss!!!!

Because you are human.

Can someone please explain why I’m crying reading your comments???? Jesus!! I’m supposed to be a f-ing man!!!!

I’m a G-D wuss!!!!

Because you are a Man!

A man that hates the woman that broke your heart!

And you are A man still I love with a woman that broke your heart!

A man that misses the woman he married and has loved for so many years.

A man that know she is dead!

And that kind of hurt would make the coldest person cry!

Hell I'm a man and I almost started crying reading about your conversation... then my phone rang to save my man card!

2018MLMM,

1. Well played conversation on your part. It is heartening to see how well you are protecting yourself and your kids.

2. Crying is letting pain leave your body. Consider it a good thing.

3. Right now everything she is doing constitute tick marks from a list. That is not a criticism of her...yet.

4. She has established the wrong goal. It is a goal she can't control. She wants M, kids, and you back.

5. She must learn to let go of that outcome. Instead, her goal must be to "fix" herself, for herself, for her future. A future that may not include you or the kids.

6. Throwaway observation: I don't believe she has hit bottom yet.

Finally, what is the timeline for D in your jurisdiction? Is a year separation required?

You did great. VERY proud of you!!!