SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

smilethrupain, I know people who iron EVERYthing, even underwear. We shouldn't judge people based on ironing.

WDI, I hope you will find a way to get / feel better and grow from this. Hope for the best.

That's a little upsetting to hear because my STBXW irons everything....not saying there's guilt by association or that it's a red flag...but I think it might be a yellow one!

I starch my pants all the time. Usually I starch them for the week to they are ready.

It is against the rules to call out a member for making up a thread.

smilethrupain you have a pm

An obvious t/j -

LOL - I ironed my jeans until I started wearing skinny jeans ... and then, there was also that grunge period in the 90’s. I still iron my husbands because he wouldn’t be caught dead in skinny jeans! As a matter of fact, I ironed my kids jeans until they started wearing skinny jeans (they were cooler than me and started wearing them before I did).

It’s a thing!!!

Ironing jeans means nothing at all about a thread. However, it does mean something about a persons clothing habits and how they choose to present their jeans to the world!

I am, also, OCD about how clothes are folded to fit in drawers and about how the towels are folded to be put away ... if anyone wants to hear about that.

Hugs to all ... infidelity hurts everyone and there are no winners! Good luck in the coming months ... it will be hard ... it will hurt. Keep your head up, be honest and try ... really try to be a better human today than you were yesterday!

Everyone wants to know everyting? Fine here it is.

We met in college, during my freshman year. He was everyone's friend, and that is how I thought of him at first, as a friend. Yes, he could be the wildest partier on the weekend, always having a good time, but he was also there for any one that needed some advice or a hand.

Yes, we kissed a few times during first semester, usually late Fridays and Saturday nights, but it never got passed that. We both saw and dated other people during that year, but nothing ever serious, and when we with other people, we were completely platonic. We never crossed the line.

Mid way through the 2nd semester, we were hanging out together more often, and as I used to kid, I discovered that he was a boy and he discovered I was a girl. We started dating exclusively. It was great. I felt like it was the best of all worlds. I was dating my best friend. Someone that I could talk about anything with. Yes, there annoying habits, but nothing serious. We didn't lose our own individuality just because we were a couple. We were happy and we grew closer and closer.

We went to separate grad schools, but we called each other every week night at 11:02 when the phone rates went down. Every weekend either I would visit him or he would come up to me. I loved everything about him. He was no longer the young 20 something partier but someone who was committed to what he wanted. And among the things he wanted, JUST LIKE ME, was us together forever! His interests became mine, my interests became his. And we found other interests together.

We were very good together and for each other. I would do ANYTHING for him, and I know he would do anything for me.

We knew that we were destined to be married, and how he asked me to marry him was as romantic as possible. Our wedding was 18 months later.

After we got married, we rented 1/2 of a house on a nice suburban street and we started our professional and married life. We continued to grow closer and closer.

I will admit that there was a guy at work, who was older than me, that had a crush on me, but at no time did I ever give him any attention or let him believe I had any interest in him, or wanted anything other than a professional relationship with him. I also told my husband about him and about whenever I had any contact with him. It finally got to the point that whenever I told my husband, he would tell me to tell him that my husband said hello. Which I did once, and told him that my husband was looking forward to meeting him.

Is THAT enough background?????????

Fast forward 21 years. We have a very good life. We have a son in his freshman year of college and a daughter about to start college in the fall. We have a house that always seems to need some type of project done on it, but it is home. We are financially ok, but we worry about paying for 2 tuitions. I love my husband and he loves me. He walks into a room and sees me and calls me "Gorgeous". When walking by me he always places his hand on my shoulders, back, or if no one is around, on my bottom, and the majority of the time, kisses the top of my head.

GOD I MESSED UP!!!!!!!!

He works hard, both at home and at work.

He is good looking. Yes, we are in our 40s, but he still looks good. Yes, his gained a few pounds, but he is NOT heavy at all. I've gained a lot more weight over the years, especially in specific areas. Losing weight is difficult for me and I have tried everything from Atkins to Weightwatchers. You name the diet, I probably have the book on the shelf.

And he still calls me Gorgeous. He would buy lingerie occasionally for me. But I don't like it because of the reflection I see in the mirror.

Is this a good place to tell you that he also sends flowers to me at work at least once a term?

Are you getting the picture???? He loves me and I love him.

Then last spring, I was contacted by the state college if I would take an intern for the following school year. I got it approved by the administration and said yes.

I met him for the first time last April or May. He had to shadow me 10 or 15 hours that term. I thought nothing of it.

I cant do this

In the end, he wanted me and I wanted him. I wanted to be wanted. Looking into the mirror and my soul, I believe the issue was that I had just dropped off my son at college and I my daughter was leaving in a year. That is not an excuse it is what I was thinking. Yes, my husband still complimented me, showed me that he loved me in a myriad of ways, but for some reason I wanted more.

At work, he was always looking at me and smiling at me. We would talk about everything, eventually to live outside of school. We talked about our lives and what our personal dreams were. Then, one day I realized that he had walked by me and his hand brushed against me. I wondered if it was an accident or on purpose. I assumed it was an accident but in bed I started fantasizing that it was on purpose.

I didn't think. I wasn't thinking. I didn't give a thought to my husband or family. I was selfish.

I need to stop

In the end, he wanted me and I wanted him. I wanted to be wanted.

Which "Him" are you referring too? It def changes context...

Next

At work, he was always looking at me and smiling at me. We would talk about everything, eventually to live outside of school. We talked about our lives and what our personal dreams were. Then, one day I realized that he had walked by me and his hand brushed against me. I wondered if it was an accident or on purpose. I assumed it was an accident but in bed I started fantasizing that it was on purpose.

Sounds to me like you were falling in love..

She was falling in love with a fantasy and the idea of being wanted.

WhydidI,

We are here to help. Well, most of us are. It might be better to keep that in mind because sometimes when you are saying things in all caps...or saying fine here it is...it comes off wrong. I think you do want help, no need to be combative about it.

I am going to give you some hard things to think about, because I do want to help you.

I also don't know if its safe for you to share here. I think you suspect that it's not, and that your husband is reading your posts. It's going to color it two ways: One, you aren't going to be able to resist trying to color your posts for him and it's going to be hard to share the affair story. I would tell you that you don't have to share the affair story yet. Some of us are here for months before we do so and some don't do it at all. I wouldn't do it until you have done it for him, many times.

Looking into the mirror and my soul, I believe the issue was that I had just dropped off my son at college and I my daughter was leaving in a year

Okay, I don't buy it yet. I don't mean that to sound snide or mean, I just mean there is a lot of digging before you get to seeing into the soul. How did this relate to your affair? I know how it did for me, and I know I mentioned we have it in common. But, how did it affect you in a way that caused the affair? It's just not ringing the bells yet. It takes a long time to get to it all, so it's totally okay that you haven't gotten there yet but I am asking the question so you will dig deeper. It's a big puzzle to put together.

I really don't know if I could come here and share if my husband was here. This wouldn't be his thing anyway. But, I don't know it's even possible in this highly charged situation that you are not looking or he's not looking. That part is you and his business, but it bothers me because I want you to both have the support you need but I don't know that you feel the freedom to do that. It's all over your post to me.

Please let me know if I can help further. I have been here, though I have to say my fall out was way more contained. I still know how much pain I was in and I can clearly see that all over your post too.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:36 AM, April 6th (Friday)]

She was falling in love with a fantasy and the idea of being wanted.

This is one thing that really eats at me (and I presume most BHs). What else was her H supposed to do to show he loved her and wanted her? The affectionate touches, the flowers, the thoughtful gestures, etc. Why did less from the AP feel like more to the WW??? This is a reason the BS feels like second place. Clearly something about the AP made their gestures seem “more” during the A and it is really hard for the BS to internally reconcile why you were so easily replaced and why it wouldn’t happen again. Being second best in your own M sucks.

Why on earth would anyone say, "It sounds like you were falling in love"?

Of course it "sounds" and "looks" that way, that's how the A's happen! The point is, she knows this NOW. She understands now that it wasn't real.

And I also don't think it's too early for her to realize some of her why. I knew why I couldn't forgive from the very beginning. I didn't verbalize it the same way my IC did, but after a year and a half of therapy, he told me what it was, and I've known it from the beginning. We can know something, yet still not act in our best interests despite the intellectual knowing what our root issue is.

Sanibel, this is just further evidence that it is not about the BS. He couldn't have prevented this. It was something within her that was missing, that she needed to figure out and address. And she didn't.

Losing weight is difficult for me and I have tried everything from Atkins to Weightwatchers. You name the diet, I probably have the book on the shelf. And he still calls me Gorgeous. He would buy lingerie occasionally for me. But I don't like it because of the reflection I see in the mirror.

How you view yourself physically is probably a specific contributing factor to your vulnerability. The content in bold above is telling. Getting complimented by a husband often evokes an "awww, isn't that sweet of you" from the wife, warm eye contact and smiles from both and maybe even some bonus points if the husband messed up somewhere recently. :-)

However, getting complimented by a younger man or sometimes any man who's not the husband, can leave one glowing all day from the compliment, flattered to the point that a heartbeat is skipped and of course, wanting more of it. BTW I'd guess the number of married men 20 plus years still buying their wife lingerie and flowers to be in the `15% range TOPS. Just a guess. In other words, your husband's EXCEPTIONAL.

[This message edited by Jorge at 2:19 PM, April 6th (Friday)]

Sanibel, this is just further evidence that it is not about the BS. He couldn't have prevented this. It was something within her that was missing

Intellectually, I know you’re right, but emotionally for me this is the tooth picked olive on top of the shit sandwich on the Caca Blue Plate Special of Infidelity... how’s that for a visual?

Too bad we can't "like" posts.

I hear you loud and clear. Hang in there.

^^^ thanks, you too.

What else was her H supposed to do to show he loved her and wanted her?

It doesn’t matter. Her husband had nothing to do with why she had her affair. Wonderful dedicated BS’s are cheated on every day. An affair is never a reflection of them. It’s always a reflection of the WS. Something in them caused the affair.

I agree completely with nicenomore and disagree completely with Mrs. Walloped from pages 3-5 of this thread regarding finances and the pain that the adultery had on her BH. I kind of read Mrs. Walloped's comments as almost hinting at whydidi to rugsweep. I am glad WhyDidI is not rugsweeping this. If she has any chance at R, she has to keep doing what she's doing and more

Nicenomore is correct that many betrayed spouses also get gutted in court and I thought it was a nice gesture by WhyDidI to be concerned about her husband's future since he IS THE VICTIM here and the fact that she doesn't want to gut him after smacking him in the face with the affair is admirable.

Nicenomore's follow up was thorough and to the point and I agree with him completely.

[This message edited by Western at 1:05 PM, April 6th (Friday)]

Thank you. Please keep the comments about what I typed coming