SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Firstly, you have to start looking after yourself by eating well, drinking lots of water and taking regular exercise. Explain to your husband that your health is important because you want to be strong to help in his recovery, whilst working on your own behaviours in individual therapy.

It will do nobody any good if you wallow in your own misery. You will gain self respect as well as the respect of your family if you show real determination to change from the person who gave themselves permission to do this. Start the process with this in mind, not the goal of winning back your family but of incrementally improving for the benefit of both yourself and your family.

Undertaking IC, showing unselfish love to your husband and children even though they may reject you many times and show anger towards you, is the way forward. Show them you are not a bad person but acknowledge that you did a terrible thing.

Be absolutely honest with yourself and your family throughout.

Do not denigrate the AP just dismiss him from your thoughts. He could have been any predator. You were the one that let him in.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 6:59 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

BW here.

You may be too late.

The pain and damage you have caused has more deeply harmed the ones you were supposed to care for and love the most in this world. You alone made that decision, those choices, not them. For an extended period of time. Consciously and openly you made those horrible choices. No one held a gun to your head.

A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.

Adapted from Stevesn list on SI forum edited for you, ideas to offer for a (slight) chance of reconciliation:

1) Give a written list of all financial accounts, email, contact (FB, KIK, WhatsAPP, Skype, …) applications and phone passwords. Do not delete anything. Put all the gifts from AP (affair partner) in a receptacle and give it to your husband.

2) Tell your family what you have done.

3) Write a No Contact letter that you both decide how and when to send to your OM. No signs of affection toward him will be relayed at all. It will be matter of fact and remove him from your life FOREVER.

4) NO CONTACT. Meaning you quit your job and find another so you can never see him or run into him again. Real ghosting. Blocking him from everything. If He tries to contact you then you do not respond and you tell me. If he persists our lawyer will send him a cease and desist. Block him by all possible means electronically.

5) You write out a full timeline of your Affair. Every little detail. Each day you communicated, what was said, even if you were inappropriate and raunchy. Where you met, who paid, what was done. The days you were alone together, the physically touching. What you touched, what he touched, how long, and what you said to each other. All sex acts are described. Every single thing. He will need to know the truth before he can try and reconcile from it. Sit together and review it and you’ll openly answer questions about it. You know the truth, he needs to know it as well as you do if we are going to have a chance to save this marriage.

6) You'll write your husband a letter of apology explaining why you think you did what you did and what it would mean to you to have him stay and work on the marriage. It should include how you think you made your husband feel during all this time.

7) Once you have reviewed the timeline and letter you will agree to a polygraph to confirm you have told your husband the truth.

8) Both do Individual Counseling. You to figure out why you were willing and able to go beyond your marriage vows. And him to work thru the pain you have caused him.

9) At a later point you may start Marriage Counseling to work on what was missing from the Marriage. But only after both work on yourselves first.

10) Expose. The true nature of the affair will be exposed to both our families and appropriate close friends. They need to be able to help us make it thru this Reconciliation. Doing this alone with just the two of you and no one else knowing is doomed for failure. If you are truly Remorseful you will be the one to admit what you have done. He will be there to let them know that even though they are probably mad at you for what you have done but he may ask that they support you as a couple while you are trying to work through this painful time in your marriage.

11) Intimacy will be on your husband’s terms. Whatever he needs to heal in whatever fashion he deems necessary. You cannot be forced to do anything you don’t want to, however, he has the right to decide if denying you the intimacy he need is a deal breaker for him.

12) You both will consider implementing a post-nup that ensures his financial security and terms of parenting if you ever cheat again.

13) You will provide unrestricted access to all your technology from now on. On demand. No time to delete stuff. He may agree to do the same. If you don’t then he’ll assume you are obviously more interested in having secrets than continuing your Marriage.

14) No more going out without each other unless otherwise approved. Confirming your whereabouts and who you are with will be required as needed.

15) No more meeting alone with a man. No lunches, dinners, drinks whatever. Social Happy Hours (outside of actual work functions) are to be attended together or not attended at all.

16) You both will do reading on infidelity and use them to discuss the marriage. This includes materials such as "Not just friends" and "How to help your spouse heal from your affair”

17) STD testing for both of you with Visual proof of the results is required.

18) No new affairs. If so D papers will be served immediately. No lies about relationships with others any more. If so we are done.

19) Any questions about the affair are to be answered honestly for the rest of our lives together.

20) No conversations about our marriage or any other marriage with another man/woman unless we discuss it first and I confirm that it’s ok to talk to that specific person about it.

21) No one comes in to our home without both us knowing.

22) Communication- No secrets, no matter how hard it will be to hear. Discuss all attractions. Discuss all third-party attention. Discuss all feelings good and bad. Be honest with yourself and aware of your feelings, then communicate that to your spouse.

23) You both don't do anything in absence of one another that you wouldn't do in the others presence.

24) You both work to show each other moments of tenderness, acts of passion, the creation of new memories, all thru time spent together.

25) You drop any friends or family members that encouraged or helped you hide the affair. Complete NC with them.

26) Ownership of your actions during your affair and no more blame shifting or excuses for your actions.

[This message edited by Used2bhappy10 at 8:46 PM, April 4th, 2018 (Wednesday)]

T/j sorrowful moon,

Predator?? How could you possibly know that? Or are you assuming?

You need to let his emotions play out and vent. He feels blindsided, disrespected, lied to and humiliated. The video evidence doesn’t help. That is a permanent burn and a concreteness to his imagination.

All you can do is work on yourself and remorse. Don’t grandstand, wallow in shame, or make it about you. Act with compassion and listen to what he needs, of and when he is ready.

He will be hateful, toward you and your AP. Don’t defend your AP, but also don’t downplay your affair. Your husband likely wants to kill your AP, and frankly, a BH will think he deserves it. But it’s also a defense mechanism against directing all his anger at you. Agree with him.

If he allows, show tenderness, submission and doting. if he allows. I’ll say it again, work on yourself it’s ALL you can do. Own this. It wasn’t a mistake, it was a choice.

Some BS become MH to try and even the scales. It feels good at the time, but doesn’t eliminate pain. That’s why I am a WS too. Know that it’s a possibility, and figure out how you will react if it happens. For guys, it’s like an ointment on the burn of feelin emasculated. “If my wife doesn’t love me, this other attractive woman will sure show me she does”. Again, it comes with its lien set of problems, but it does happen. Just be aware.

And lastly, if he goes through with divorce, don’t financially bleed him dry. Give him a very favorable and uncontested divorce. Don’t seek alimony, besides child support, and punish him any further than he feels. It would be insult to injury.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 9:37 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

And lastly, if he goes through with divorce, don’t financially bleed him dry. Give him a very favorable and uncontested divorce. Don’t seek alimony, besides child support, and punish him any further than he feels. It would be insult to injury.

I’m sorry, I don’t normally do this, but this horrible advice! I’m sorry, I don’t mean to call you out, but I don’t believe it is our place here to give financial advice based on emotion.

Now I can tell you that when divorce was discussed as a serious possible outcome between me and my BH I felt all these guilty and horrible things and wanted to sacrifice for him. Other than custody and child support, I was ready to give my BH everything. And then my lawyer (who is the husband of a friend of mine) told me I was crazy, and that he wouldn’t let me. I told him I wanted to and he said he didn’t care. His job was to look out for my best interests and me giving up what the law says i should get because I feel guilty is not in my best interest and if I insisted I need to fire him. He also said that any lawyer worth their salt would say the same thing and that doing otherwise is bordering on ethics violations.

A divorce is sad. Even when it’s necessary. If the BH wants a divorce, then the WW seeking alimony is NOT a punishment to him. She is taking care of her financial future as she should.

WhyDidI, if your BH divorces you, please talk to a lawyer and don’t do anything out of fear or emotion.

As a BW who has reconciled, I guess I hadn't really thought about just how incredibly unfair it is for a BS who divorces their cheating spouse. Not only is their health at risk, not only have they been lied to and abused in one of the worst possible ways, but if the affair is a deal breaker, or if the ws isn't remorseful, then the BS may have to pay the WS alimony.

Because legally, it's fair. The WS has to protect their interests in a divorce But there's nothing fair about any of this for a BS. And no protection for them.

The BS just has to continue to choke down that shit sandwich served up by the ws.

OP, there is no fixing this. You need to work on yourself. You need to be honest even if it hurts him. How you respond,and your actions NOW, will have a huge impact on his decision to divorce or reconcile. But, understand, you will have to continue to show him you're changing, for a very long time. If you're not up to the task, the kindest thing to do is let him go.

Have you tried to sit your kids down and apologize to them for betraying them? They will probably be angry for a very long time. But, underneath that anger is love. They still love you. They're extremely disappointed, but the love is still there.

I think there's hope here. Your husband loves you. You love him. Work on yourself for your family, but mostly for yourself. You can do it. It will be hard, and it will be painful. But you're worth it.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:22 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

A divorce is sad. Even when it’s necessary. If the BH wants a divorce, then the WW seeking alimony is NOT a punishment to him. She is taking care of her financial future as she should.

Alimony for a WS should only be done when the BS agrees to do it. Why should the BS suffer financially as well as mentally, emotionally, and yes, even physically bc of the WS's infidelity? Why punish them more than they've already been punished?

The WS had no trouble looking out only for themself during their A. Why should that change if D happens bc of the A?

I am not interested in debating this subject.

Advice which I believed to be bad advice was given to a WW who IMO is in a fragile state. I addressed that advice and what she was told.

You are more than entitled to disagree. And if you are interested in starting a thread in General to debate this, more power to you. But the OP’s thread is not the place for it. This is the Wayward Forum. She needs advice and support. That’s it.

As a BS, and a lawyer, I just want to second this:

A divorce is sad. Even when it’s necessary. If the BH wants a divorce, then the WW seeking alimony is NOT a punishment to him. She is taking care of her financial future as she should.

As a BS who R's, I recommend a book another has already suggested: "How to help your spouse heal from an affair"

I like StevenM's list except this:

11) Intimacy will be on your husband’s terms. Whatever he needs to heal in whatever fashion he deems necessary. You cannot be forced to do anything you don’t want to, however, he has the right to decide if denying you the intimacy he need is a deal breaker for him

I will do anything.

Be careful with this. The amount of "control" a BS needs in order to feel safe depends on his/her personality. Sometimes, in my opinion, it goes too far. You may submit as needed to help your husband feel safe, but also you must protect yourself.

Your affair was not about your husband, your kids, your friends, or even the AP. Your affair is 100% about you. I suspect the bad choices you made regarding this affair were the result of poorly processed FOO issues. Anyone growing up in your shoes may have made the same wrong choices. Now going forward, in addition to nursing your family, you are responsible for correcting yourself. The correction is not about being submissive.

At the risk of causing a bit of diversion to the thread, the theory behind spousal support is that the marriage is, from a financial perspective, like a business partnership. Each spouse contributes. If one spouse works outside the home, and the other stays home and cares for the kids, the family community gains wealth because (a) the SAH spouse enables the working spouse to pursue her career with less family burden, and (b) the SAH spouse contributes work in the household that would be expensive to purchase if he were instead working a day job.

In fact, an economic analysis of the contribution of a SAHM -- that is, the same services purchased on the market, including birth surrogate, wet nurse, cook, cleaner, tutor, chauffer, psychologist, mediator, etc. -- values her contribution to the family at about $250,000 annually, which is after-tax dollars. A working person would need to earn nearly $500,000 to pay that much. Further, the SAH spouse sacrifices not just the years worked, but also the career advancement, networking, seniority, etc. It is difficult to enter the workforce at an older age. Spousal support is not "stealing" in any way from the working spouse (by the way, there are many instances where the divorced wife pays spousal support to a SAHM dad).

Further, in most states, the calculation of the amount is very much a matter of formula. It's like filling out a tax return. Plug in your numbers and get your result. The formulas vary from state to state, but generally they take into account things like how long the couple has been married, each partner's post-D earning potential, and whether (and how many) there were children who were cared for, etc.

I am aware that there are some states that have a "for fault" option. Again at the risk of diverting the thread, laws in this area evolve as social norms evolve. It was the case years ago, for example, that a wife was considered a husband's property, and therefore the husband could not legally be charged for physically abusing her or raping her, even if he did these things. Thankfully, most states have progressed from those notions, some more than others.

Child support is similar in concept. When a child is born, somebody has to support him. Logically, the biological parents should be the first tier looked to for this. The alternative is to ask the taxpayers, who had no role in conceiving the child.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:23 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

She works.

T/j sorrowful moon,

Predator?? How could you possibly know that? Or are you assuming?

I take your point Greeneyesbluezy. It was a generalisation but I just tend to think of anyone who embarks in an affair with a married woman to be a predator.

The point I was trying to make, obviously poorly, was that it is irrelevant who the AP was and what he was like, it was her job to defend the marriage.

redsox13 her BH likely feels nearly raped, certainly severely abused by WDI. The things he likely knows did that to him. It can bring about severe PTSD.

To have any intimacy is based upon his ability to accept that and accept her. His recovery is his alone to deny or accept intimacy based upon this horrific assault.

whydidi=

I just wanted to tell you that I hope you are doing better today. I agree with a previous poster, you need to take care of yourself. I know that's hard and feels selfish, but to get to a healthy enough place to address this you have to try and pick yourself up some. It won't always be like this. I will say a prayer for you.

Thank you everyone for your input.

I just want to let you know a few things

I AM NOT TOO LATE!!!!!!!!

I'm going to fix this. If it takes me the next 30 years of my life, I'm going to fix this. If he divorces me, which he will, I will fix this.

I don't know what is wrong with me, I don't know how I allowed myself to get here, but I'm going to fix this. I'm going to do this for me, for my husband, and for my children.

I'm going to fix myself and I will prove to him that I am worthy of giving me the chance to prove that I know that he is the best man in the world and that I will take care of him and he is safe with me. Last night we had a long discussion, and admittedly, I screwed up a bit, but at one point I told him that I am never taking off my rings, EVER! I don't care about the divorce, I am his wife and I will be again.

Someone said that I need to stop hiding in the bedroom or office. Thank you. You are right. I am done with that. This morning I went down and just sat with him at the kitchen table. Very few words were spoken, but I was within 3 feet of him and he didn't walk out of the room. He also gave me the recorder from last night's conversation. I'm going to listen to it when I'm done with this letter.

As for alimony and support. That is not going to be a problem. I talked to a friend that is a lawyer and he said not to worry about it. This state basically as a universal formula for figuring it out and all out. Our retirements are approximately equal and I make a good living. I told him last night that I will not contest the divorce. It doesn't matter if he wants a No Fault or on grounds of adultery. I will not contest. I will accept the settlement that is offered to me. Again, before anyone freaks out, my youngest goes to college next fall, and we put the house in a trust for the kids years ago, and everything else is already close to 50-50

As to last nights discussion, I messed up at first. I thought he would appreciate it if I looked nice for him. I spent hours getting ready. I ironed my jeans, I wore his favorite top, I put extra effort into my hair and makeup.

I went downstairs, he looked at me and just started crying. He asked me why I did it. I thought he was asking about the affair, but he was talking about being dressed up. He asked me to go back upstairs and take off the makeup and put on a t-shirt. I thought I was doing something for him, but it ended up hurting him more. Last night in bed I stared at the ceiling and had to ask myself if I had done it for him or me. I thought it was for him but now I don't know. One more thing to bring up with counselor.

If anyone wants to know what type of man my husband is, after we talked about what was going to happen during the discussion, his first questions were about how I was doing. Do you believe that??????? He wanted to make sure I was doing ok!!!!!!!!!!! He asked if I was eating. He asked how much weight I lost. He asked if I was thinking about hurting myself.

I'm sorry, I cant finish this right now. I need a break.

Double reply sorry

[This message edited by Txquail at 8:40 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

I am glad to hear you have renewed determination.

It's going to be hard for him to hear that he's the best man in the world right now though, through your actions it isn't going to ring true for him. Nothing is going to ring true to him for some time.

Did you ask him how HE was doing?

One thing that strikes me as similar in our situations - I don't know if this will help in your digging - but the almost empty nest.

Don't use it as an excuse by any means, but I wanted to mention it as something to explore. When the kids grow up and don't need you, the dynamics of the family unit change. And, there is more time on our hands. And, a lot of feelings of what's next? I don't any longer think this was my primary issue, but I do think that it's the timing that made it manifest. Prior to that, I was just a ticking timebomb.

What I mean by that is that I can identify all sorts of behaviors/thoughts that were wayward pre-A, yet I never had an affair, nor did I even consider it. Wayward thinking often has a lot to do with lack of self love, conflict avoidance, avoiding certain realities, lack of self awareness and understanding our own motivations, and so many other things.

My boundaries with men were extremely healthy. But, I think the changes in our lives was the trigger point of WHEN those unhealthy aspects reared it's ugly head. More time on my hands, less feeling needed, and because I was such a giver for so long and that was where I felt my greatest self worth, as the kids didn't need it anymore - I was lost.

This is a lot for you to absorb and some or all of what I am saying may have nothing to do with you or your situation. However, maybe it can tell you what the digging looks like. You go to IC, but it will be months before you figure out your combination of the puzzle. I am 9 months ahead of you and I am guessing I only have half of it at this point. I am saying that because you need to understand that you aren't going to be there in a month or six months. You will make progress but what needs fixed is the entire underpinning of who you are - how you react to things, how you love, how you think. It takes a long time to change who you are.

I am not saying these things to be discouraging. In fact, for some reason all I want to do is encourage you. I have been here many months and haven't had that reaction yet to a new wayward. Maybe I just can sense you really, really, need it.

Anyway, keep posting, keep evaluating. I am glad this early on you can think about whether you fixed yourself up for him or for you. If you haven't arrived at an answer yet...it was for you. You wanted him to see you at your best. For a long time you are going to want to control the outcome of the situation. Be very mindful of manipulations, I was full of them the first few months.

Take care. Eat today.

Double reply sorry

[This message edited by Txquail at 8:41 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

At the time I'm posting this there is no stop sign.

I'm a BH.

Your relationship pre-affair was destroyed and ended by you the moment that you started it. I'm being honest, its all your fault. Do not try to sugar coat it, you made the decision to go along with it.

I know exactly how your husband feels. Since you admit he caught you, like I caught my WW, he will believe that you are only sorry you got caught. It would be different if you confessed and he didn't catch you. Don't make excusses, don't tell him the other man was short not as attractive etc. This will make your husband feel bad about himself.

You can do what you want, but the following helped me greatly.

1. Apologize to him. Make sure you check on him every couple of hours and regardless if he barks at you or yells. This will show him you are putting him above you. Yes I know he says that the divorce will go thru, but he may change his mind.

2. Draft a No Contact letter and have him read it. Send it to the POSOM, with your husbands permission.

3. Since this happened at your job, quit right now. Your husband will always associate your employer with the affair. So long as you work there he'll consider you in the affair. Coworkers could have covered for you or more. Quit right now.

4. End all friendships with those people who knew of the affair. They stabbed your husband in the back by not telling him.

5. Ask your husband if you can call or contact the POS wife. Have the phone on speaker and allow your husband to hear you give details of the affair and apologize to her. (This helped me a lot because it was very hard for the WW to do this. She knew that she hurt someone as bad as she hurt me.)

6. Call your parents and confess the affair on speaker phone with hubby present. This will stop any remarks from them to hubby in the future. These remarks will set him off, so if your parents know, no remarks from them will happen. Also tell his parents on speaker if he allows you too.

7. Give him all your passwords and total access to all your communications devices. Do not delete a thing. Tell him exactly how and when you talked to the POS. If POS contacts you, tell hubby immediately and do not reply. Block him where you can.

8. Write a timeline about the affair. Tell him every sexual act you did and how many times. Approximate it if you have to but tell him all. Where and when. Tell him everything, if you don't or you trickle he will leave.

9. You are not allowed to go on a business trip or girls night out again until he says its ok. You lost that with the affair.

10. Gps tracking software installed on your phone. You keep it until he says you can take it off.

11. Answer without hesitation any questions he asks no matter how hard or disgusting the question.

12.Don't be shocked if he wants to have you end friendships with people or doesn't want you to have male friends. Again you lost that right with the affair. You may get it back eventually but it will be up to him.

13. Don't be shocked if he suggests a threesome or want to go out with another woman to even the score. I know I did, and many people on this forum will say not to. But evening the score got me past my WW having sex with someone else. He may even try to one up you on this. If he brings it up, you cant get upset.

14. Tell him everywhere you go. No locked phones or computers. Leave them out where they are not at your side. Let him see you are not protecting them and allow him to look at them remember no deleting unless he says so.

15. Do whatever else he asks. Its up to you to show him you can trust him.

You must be understanding to him. Remember you crossed the line of no return and you want him to accept you back. It will be on his terms