SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh, and there is some really great advice and some not as good advice here.

A couple of things I would like to dispute:

I would agree, you should write out a timeline of your affair. Do not include sexual details for the one you give to him. I do not say that because I think you should withhold them, but because I truly believe you should let him decide what he wants to know about those parts. Some want to know everything and some want to know very little. My husband was not interested in the details so much. I gave any he asked about and told him I would tell him anything he wanted to know but for him to make sure he wanted to know.

Secondly, the threesome thing. I do not understand that at all, and I doubt your husband is going to ask for one. If he does, you can get mad if you want to. I have seen threads on here about that, and it's ridiculous. Many of the Betrayeds also feel it's ridiculous. I think for most that would cause more harm than good. Unless it's something you've always wanted to do and it becomes something in the new relationship that you guys both are into. To do so right now would more than likely backfire with all these raw emotions going around. I will bet this will not even come up. There is a stream of thought in here that because we cheated we should be degraded in any way that our husbands see fit. I do not agree with this, and thankfully neither does my husband.

Hello WhyDidI,

Fellow Wayward. Here’s a big hug.

I’m feeling your pain.

You are getting great pointers from wise WS’s like Pinkpggy, Mrs Walloped and hikingout. I hope you are studying their words as they have recently been right where you are now and have battle scars you should learn from.

You have quite a mess to clean up. In the meantime, from experience I bet you are pining for the AP and are completely baffled as to why you could have done this. There’s time that I’ll sit in my rocking chair with a huge pain in my gut that is from both of those. Once you snap out of your fog you will marvel at the depths of your betrayal. It’s shocking to me at times how wayward I was. Really unbelievable. I can’t offer you a ton of comfort beyond assuring you are on a well-worn path. This is all new to you but we’ve been there too.

You are fighting which is good. But there are also those times of abject defeat where you want to just curl up in a ball, hide and live the pain. As others have said you can’t get over this pain. Embracing it is all a part of the path.

I LOVE fighters and you're ready to fight. Takes lots of spunk to fight when many feel sorry for themselves. By the way, you're determined nature offers clues to why you two were together in the first place. Your husband was very determined to divorce you and you're very determined to reverse the divorce. Perhaps that's why you were together In the first place.

I'm a BS and I want you to know that I'm pulling for you. Yes, your choices have caused more pain than you may ever fully realize. I do not believe you or anyone are beyond redemption. While I can't relate to you by the choices you made I can in relate in that I was once a broken person too also through my own choices and many of the things you seem to be processing are strikingly similiar to what I felt. Though circumstances are different I know that I will always have a soft spot in my heart for broken people that want to be whole again.

So all that self-loathing you are feeling right now is likely going to be unavoidable and to a degree, it can be helpful in finding out what it is about yourself that you want/need to change. However, if you get stuck into one of those endless loops of self-pity you are only going to be sabotaging yourself. IC is huge to keeping you on track here as you need to come to terms fully with what you chose to do. It won't happen in a day or two but if you work at it and are honest about it you'll get there.

Daggers will get thrown at you left and right here but I think you should express regret for the consequences of your actions along with anything else you are feelings. To deny those feelings is counterproductive to healing both yours and your BS and family. People will likely go after you when you do (again until that stop sign is up) saying you aren't remorseful and they may well be correct in that you haven't really reached true remorse for your actions. If and when that comes there will be plenty of time to express that as well. I think that while you are on this board you should say what you are feeling, vent, and seek out advice. Then take what you can use from here and leave the rest.

You're not likely to get a ton of open support unless you throw up a stop sign on this post. I know you are probably thinking that you don't want, need, deserve, support because it may add to your own guilt and shame but you DO and WILL need it. Tough love and negative comments can be helpful at times sure. They might work to provide you with motivation and a path forward for a short time. However, in no situation have I ever seen tactics such as these work over the long haul. Like it or not if you want to get to better and want to have a chance to rebuild (likely too broken for a repair) relationships that have been damaged.

I'll ask a couple questions that I know you might not have answers for right now.

1) What would you define as the weakest part of your M? Before the A? During the A?

This should be things that apply to BOTH partners in the M. It does not excuse the A of course but it's going to be important.

2) Have you spoken to any other BS outside of this forum? What do you think your H and Children are going through? What is it that you have questions about?

3) Why do you want your H to take you back? If you believe you love him can you explain why you feel that way? (Ignore comments on this one that will say you don't love him because of what you did as that's productive in regard to this question)

I'm pulling for you to become better for having gone through this and learning from it.

Please take care of yourself.

[This message edited by MrMagnolia at 9:42 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

I am a BS and I agree with Jorge and Mr. Magnolia that I like your spirit and I pull for fighters. But you understand that your determination will be put to a severe test over time due to the damage caused by your actions. You are not the first person, nor will you be the last person to have an extramarital affair. You can not change the past.

But as you move forward, first you need to heal yourself through IC and introspection. You need to understand your why’s. While you are feeling self loathing and shame, in order not to wallow endlessly in guilt, I know one activity that helped my fWW was to try to take some time to get outside of her own situation to do acts of kindness for others less fortunate and in worse circumstances. She volunteered at a food pantry and a senior center and it helped her put things in perspective. Just a thought.

Outward demonstrations of concern for the pain your actions have caused for your H and children must be sincere and consistent. Like Mr. Magnolia I am pulling for you to get through this and become a better person learning from this experience and to help your H and children heal as well. Strength to you and your loved ones.

BS here. I hope when you have your conversation that you ask if your husband is taking care of himself since he appears to be taking care of your health.

Since your husband found out about the A on his own, he naturally assumes that the A would have continued.

This means that your husband feels that, if not for his discovery, you would still be happily lying to him and betraying him and your marriage vows.

At the moment and for the next several months, when you say "I am sorry" all he hears is "I am sorry I got caught", I am sorry that I now have to face the consequences", "I am sorry I no longer have my happy little family to return to in between outings with my lover".

But you have to keep apologising. But make it specific. Not just a generic "I am sorry for what I did" but rather, "I am sorry I am the source of so much pain for you.".

or "I am sorry my horrible behavior has destroyed our marriage"

The sad truth is that you have destroyed the marriage and your family. The marriage is dead and your husband and, the kids are now changed forever by what you have chosen to do.

But the light at the end of the tunnels is that after the divorce, your husband seems open to watching how you improve yourself and explore your reasons for doing what you have done then maybe dating you in the future.

This could mean a couple of years before he can heal enough and accepts that you are a changed person. If you are truly in love with your husband and not just comfortable with him, then you can do it.

Other have done. Good luck to you.

Your actions with the dress up were hurtful because it was about getting what you want - which is "life back to normal" and your choices were all about not recognizing the irrevocable nature of the harm he has experienced at your hands. There's no dress up you can do to walk that back.

Stop trying to get what you want. Start seeking what he wants. Listen. Really listen to him. He might not know all that he wants but stop trying to make him bend to your will and your previously effective charms.

Do what he needs and asks. If that's zero contact with you to give him time and space to heal without the constant reminders of you and what your actions mean to him, then get an apartment right now.

I think that your BH saw texts and communication is somehow worse than not. My BH did not see or hear the communication, but words of intimacy and affection given in an affair seem more powerful when they are visibly in black and white.....IMHO.

My BH knows these types of communications took place, but he and I would be crushed to see what a fool I was.

WhyDidI did I understand correctly from someone here that videos were taken of the sex acts?

If this is so, have you had a lawyer send the OM a letter warning him not to dispense or upload these videos onto public domain? If you have not you need to a.s.a.p. Make sure your BH knows you are doing so.

One thing shouted at me (BS here) about the threesome and a hall pass to go have an affair himself: DO NOT OFFER THAT TO HIM, if he mentions it do not say “if that’s what you need to get to feel better do it”. My WH did this and it feels even worse, it was like telling me “I’m so not in love with you, I so don’t care about you that I am happy for another man to touch you and have sex with you, I just don’t care”. Please keep this in mind if you’re tempted to tell him to go and have his own affair. It will make him feel even more worthless for you.

Just to give you an idea of the type of person he is, when he has been making dinner for him and my youngest, he always makes too much, just so I can have some later. Not that hungry. And one time, I was in bedroom crying and he knocked on the door and placed a bottle of water on the floor and said that he didn't want me to dehydrate. What type of man who has a slut for a wife does that for her?

It's nice that you can recognize these small acts of kindness.

Welcome to this forum. This will be the hardest thing that you have ever done.

Let’s talk about the devistation that your actions caused and what is most likely happening in your BS’s head.

Right now he is in shock. His emotions are all over the place. To say that this has kicked his legs out from under him is a minimization.

What you have done with the affair is completely destroy whe he believed you were. Destroyed everything he thought your marriage and relationship were.

He has lost his mental, physical, and spiritual footing. He now holds two completely diametrically opposed ideas of who and what you are and he has to take time to actually process this in his mind.

As he goes through the day the affair will invade his thoughts what the affair has done is to inflict real mental trauma on him.

The healing timeline for this is at LEAST 2 to 5 years. This is not something he will easily get over.

I agree with the posters who have told you to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. This is a great BASIC text and a good place to start.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_qagUybCZE9ZZT

The next book on your list should be Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2

I would write out 2 timelines of events. The first one is the pg13 version where you describe how you met om. Write everything you can remember about the time before the affair. Times you went out for coffee, lunch, etc. no detail is too small. Be as complete as you can remember. Describe the affair meetings but DO NOT GO INTO GRAPHIC DETAIL.

VERY IMPORTANT INCLUDE EVERYTHING. EVEN OTHER MEN THAT YOU BECAME CLOSE TO EMOTIONALLY.

Timeline 2 is the same but this one includes the details about the sex positions, times, things said.

Your husband gets to make the choice about which one he wants to read.

The reason I’m telling you to include everything is that there is this thing called trickle truth. This is holding back details or partners that he doesn’t know about. Finding out that something was omitted and it being found out is as destructive as the original dday.

Do not minimize details. Do not tell him you had sex 2 times because it sounds better than 10. This when found out shows your husband that you care more about your image than you do about telling him the truth.

Year 1 is a year of processing. He will be happy, sad, angry, ashamed, back and forth and all at the same time.

He will ask you questions over and over. The reason is his mind is trying to piece together what he thinks he knows vs what he knows. Answer these questions honestly, even he asks you them 500 times answer him patiently and honestly.

Do not get mad and ask him why he isn’t over this yet. You have the luxury of knowing all the details. Your mind has the beginning middle and the end of this horrific trauma that you put him through. His brain does not have that luxury. You can tell him a 1000 times the affair is over yet his mind will continue to wonder if you are lying.

Be an open book. All devices, email accounts, social media become open. If he wants to recover the text history of the phone then so be it.

Year 2 is the HOLY SHIT YOU ACTUALLY DID THIS year. It’s when he starts coming out of shock and this become even realer than it had been. Many couples actually say that year 2 is harder than year 1.

Get into IC and drill down into why you did this. Hint it’s nothing he did. Do not shy from this. It will challenge you. These whys will not make real sense to the outside world but they will make sense to you. Examine your family of origin and do not leave any stone unturned.

This shit is hard. I dragged my wife through a year of false reconciliation, trickled truthed from March 3rd to October 10th when I vomited out the fact that my affairs weren’t only the last few years but had been going on for 20 years and spanned 5 physical affairs and too many emotional affairs to count. We entered year 4 last month and she still triggers. Because of my actions, my choices, she still lives with the pain.

Do not bring another person into the relationship. Your threesome offer in reality is simply a ploy to try and level the playing field. The playing field willl Never be leveled by him having sex with someone other than you. In reality is will simply pour more gasoline on this burning mess.

Finally stop thinking about making grand gestures. Making a show out of this shit show doesn’t help.

Read, Learn, change, and accept what you have done will do more than any grand gesture.

Stick around, post, and listen to those who have been through this. We can blaze a path for you but we can’t make you do the work.

WDI

Like to give you some props as well as criticism. You are already showing determination to want to make things better. That is good. Your husband needs to see actions not words. You have stated that you will never take off your rings. That a start. You have taken advice and have come out of your room made yourself present. Please be conscious of the others but stand firm. Show remorse for.your actions by continually apologizing for their hurt by your actions of selfishness.

You are facing so many consequences for.your actions. You can take control of little things to help your husband heal. Your home. Clean, cook. He has shown even now that he still worries about you even after the enormous harm you have brought into him and the children. Lighten his load. Show him you care. He is showing you he still does even though you will be D soon.

You in IC. Work hard to peel the layers of the onion that have resulted I. Letting you choose to partake in an A.

Now for the criticism. I now.you are still in shock of being outed and your world has fallen apart. The pain you feel is far less then what your husband is feeling. I have followed his thread too. Please start trying to help him heal. Ask him what you can do to help.him heal. His first two questions in four conversation last night were about how your feeling. You need to see his pain as many have said an ask how you can help him. He has set his boundaries and you have to abide by them. But continually apologize to him as well as the kids for the actions you have done. Be specific. Keep telling them you will keep trying to improve you to be better for them.

You know this is an up hill battle. Your going to hit many potholes along the way. Be honest with yourself and to them. Focus on them healing and digging into the causes that let all this happen.

I LOVE fighters and you're ready to fight.-Jorge

I'm always pulling for anyone brave enough to post their story here.

(Just out of curiosity)

What went through your mind the night you were served?

Anyway, welcome to SI. I've been praying for your family since your H started posting.

I'm praying for you and your children. As others have stated, please get them into therapy.

What are there ages?

I do want say, that when this place starts to overwhelm you, please step back and breathe.

This stuff can be overwhelming. Be sure to check out the healing library and the books suggested.

One thing that helped me is when my wife decided she was all in on the marriage, her outlook changed.

What I'm saying is, she didn't mope around all day. She put in the work, she rarely felt pitty for herself. If she did, she never showed me.

No matter what type of mood I was in, she was able to take it all in stride and stay positive, especially for me.

Whatever happens, keep working on yourself.

You've got thousands of us behind you, praying and generally lifting you up.

God bless.

I didn’t want my words to be misinterpreted, so I chose them somewhat carefully... but obviously not well enough.

I never said to give him everything in divorce. Based on the fact that she is capable of earning, and not a stay at home mom, she is capable of supporting herself, with child support in addition. BUT In her situation, all alimony will do is A) give you more than you really need to survive, and have the same comfort of lifestyle your BH does at his expense, and B) make him feel like Insult was added to injury. I get why divorce laws exist, essentially to ensure one of the divorce party doesn’t end up on govt assistance paid for by the taxpayers, and to make sure SAH parents don’t get screwed. but it comes at a steep emotional cost to the BS to feel financially punished in perpetuity, a constant reminder that they were doubly fucked over. Sorry, WS, unless your a BS too, you wouldn’t get this. But, the reason I say to be gracious in the settlement, is because it shows BS that you truly care about his well being, and are attempting to give a selfless act in spite of your selfish act. It is a gesture of kindness that he will weigh heavily about your character. I didn’t say walk away broke, and with nothing from the M. What I said was, given that you Work, alimony is unnecessary. Take what you need to live modestly. If you are used to luxuries partially paid for by your BS, don’t expect that you deserve them after divorce. Essentially don’t make him feel like you are being rewarded for spitting in his face.

Live well, but not on his dime, on yours. In the settlement, make sure it’s somewhat fair, but give him the more generous deal. Trust me if you really want him to consider remarrying you. And I never said don’t accept child support. That’s for the kids and totally ok. But understand that taking more than you need to survive IS punishing your BS in his eyes.

I also mentioned Revenge affairs, and anythimg related. I was careful because I didn’t want to suggest them. I had a threesome with my wife and her friend after dday. Mostly her idea to give me a fantasy I always had, but also to try and make me feel even, loved, and less rejected. I also ended up sleeping with the OMs Wife. I understand, first hand, what benefits it has, but also what costs.

Allow me to explain: what you did sexually with another man has left your husband feeling disrespected and humiliated as man. He had to see videos of you fucking another guy.. it’s seared into his psyche as his biggest defeat. Utterly emasculated. I can’t begin to imagine how awful that is for him, but I’d want to kill the OM. He lost to the OM in his mind. But also, he feels robbed of sexual experiences and novelty that ALL human beings may enjoy, but faithful married folks forego for all the upsides of monogamy.

Your A tipped the scale. You got to have passionate, new exciting sex with someone else, and he didn’t, at least so he imagines. The sex might have been nothing great to you, but for him, he had it glorified and exaggerated in his mind.

. He feels it’s uneven. The benefits of what I did were that I didn’t feel as rejected, my self confidence and esteem were largely restored, and I felt like a big obstacle, an imbalance, was removed for me to consider forgiving my W. But what I did had no impact on the pain i experienced from being betrayed by the woman I actually loved. I didn’t do it to punish my wife, I did to feel better.

And it came at cost too. It hurt her, I get that. It also means to some level I sank towards her level, and I feel guilty for causing her pain. I say this all because only a mad hatter knows what it’s like to be a bs turned Ws. Many folks have the thoughts about RAs and fairness sexually, it’s honestly natural. But not everyone acts on it, kudos, but some do. And you can’t really control what he does, you have to accept he may do it or not. Which is why I told you to brace yourself on how you would react. Unlike other posters, I’m not going to condone you getting mad. It will come off as highly hypocritical, and push him away. But I also wouldn’t encourage you to easily offer it, because as others mentioned, he make receive that as a lack of caring on your part.

I would suggest if he broaches the topic, that you get sad, not mad. Tell him that as hypocritical as it is, it would devastate you, because contrary to your actions, you do love him, and would feel how he feels now, even though you have no right to tell him what he can or can’t do. Tell him you completely understand why he wants it for his ego, to feel desired, and to balance the fairness. Tell him that you hope he won’t do it, but that you also know you can’t stop him, But that you believe in you’re heart it will only make you both feel worse in the end.

You can only work on you. And I hope you do. Others are right, you need to take of yourself to be capable of taking care of BH. But his whole world is fragile right now. And he will be unstable. You will have to quickly balance doting, caring, careful, submissive, assertive, and attentive to meet his needs. Don’t be a doormat, but be gentle and giving. Defer to his needs when you can.

And you finally, will need to make peace with the fact that what you did blew up your lives. Your life’s is a new one going forward, and you can’t control how he lives his. You must own this, and make peace. You can control your life, choices, and actions, but you can’t control the outcome of this. In the end he may leave you for good, and that’s that. But the healing has to be just as much for you, as it is for him

[This message edited by nicenomore at 10:12 PM, April 5th (Thursday)]

Slight t/j

You know what’s absolutely ridiculous, less than a short month ago why did i was supposedly in an active affair where she was meeting her lover.

Now you love her spirit?

Thank you, one and all.

Some good news, I think, husband came home and smiled tonight. First time I've seen that post dday.

Well, tomorrow is going to be a tough day for me personally. I have a counseling session in the afternoon, and need to go into school in the morning to be interviewed about the allegations. I'm off to bed.

Thank you once again.

What did you like about your affair partner? How di he make you feel? When, where did it start? You have not mentioned a single thing that breathes human breath into this entire situation.

To be honest, I'm not sure you've added anything to your thread that adds any other perspective than your husband's. Usually husband & wife's thread read differently and have other perspectives points of view. In both threads you are a "slut" (odd choice of description for one's self even a cheater) and he basically walks on water. Twilight zone.

You "ironed your jeans"? I've legit never even heard of that. You know if you just dry and fold them, there is actually nO need to iron? This cant' be real.

If I were to give advice as if this were real, I'd tell you to saddle up and get divorced. Whether this is real and you cheated, is inconsequential. You have a severely distorted view of yourself and your husband. And have no mentioned or elaborated on anything outside of the 5-10 facts that were already known. No history. No history of emotion. No real sense of the hardships of long term relationships. No real elaboration of how it must feel that your children "hate you or only give you dirty looks". I mean, I'd fucking hang myself if my kids hated me so easily. Do you bleed when you're cut?

I can see past the contrived sentences. There is no real human experience dripping from your typed words. I'd bet the bank on that. But by all means, waste everyone's important time and compassion.

smilethrupain have you been to Dallas, Ft Worth, or OKC? Lots of women there have starched, ironed, and creased jeans. Just saying. It is a thing.