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Hi Pink. Throwing in my 2 cents as a BW.

NC is NC and that is hard and fast. No exception.

Bottom line.

However, if you feel you need the closure for your own sanity and healing, write the letter. Take your time, there is no rush, edit it as necessary.

Show it to your BH if he is receptive. But do not, under any circumstances, send it.

I also received an apology but it was meaningless. Even reading it you can tell it was t meant but when you add to the fact that ap and wh were both lying to me about the extent of the m, the apology was self serving by. Wanting me to not tell her bh. There was nothing genuine about the apology. Of course she proved that nyngoing in to harass me after I told her bh.

At this point, I would not want to hear from her. Any apology would be for herself, not for me.

I suspect it’s the same in your situation. You are thinking of apologizing but it’s for your benefit, not hers. That my take based in your words. Even if it were not for your benefit? It’s ublikely that she wants to hear from you after a year.

Just to be clear...I wasn't thinking of sending an apology. My BH suggested it based off my dream. I am a firm believer that NC means NC. I feel pretty strongly his wife would not welcome hearing from me.

I contacted my ex's AP on D-day to find out and confirm details of their "hookups". She said she was humiliated and apologized profusely. I only think she was embarrassed to be asked her STD status by a virtual stranger. Of course, she said she's not "one of those women". I told her that it may be news to her, but she was one of those women.

I would not want to hear anything from the AP, she has done enough damage in my life.

What you are saying sounds very selfish to me. NC means NC. Leave them alone.

Hi Pink!

She is a divorce attorney? Wow! Bet he was sweating bullets when everything came to light. Sorry, but I find the irony in that.

I do agree with what everyone here is saying. I know that for me personally, I never want to hear from that person ever again. I'm actually quite proud that the thoughts of hurting him no longer enter my mind, but if he initiated contact with me, I can't guarantee that those feelings wouldn't be brought to the Forefront all over again.

I know that we have a strong inclination to apologize to those that we've done wrong. I think the best apology that you could give to your family is to live as authentically as you can. Do your best to be that woman that you wished you were. That is going to be the best apology you can give to yourself and your family. As for your AP and his wife, try your best to not give them any real estate in your mind. If your husband is giving you the chance to R, please pour all of your efforts into your marriage, and give none to the other couple. No matter what words you penned in your apology, it would never erase your regret, nor would it ever be taken as genuine in her eyes.

I do like that you are communicating this with your husband though. I can also appreciate that you are owning what you did to your family, but do not allow yourself to be the villain in theirs. He also chose his decisions just as you have. You are trying to fix yours. Let him try to fix his.

Hope you are doing well!

Pinkpiggy

I think you answered your own question in one of your posts here. She doesn’t want to hear from you. You said you met with her after DDay and you apologized then. And you said you believe NC is NC.

You did it already why would she want a letter or formal apology. I think this is about you. And you are forcing yourself into her world again by suggesting sending her a letter.

So my question to you is Why Now? Maybe I’m just suspicious all the time but it seems to be motivated by your needs not hers.

Again back to your title .. you are asking people for thoughts on an apology implies you are going to send it her!

Again a very wayward attitude. You need to stop this and I think under it all you want to cause her harm.

Sorry I’m calling it as I see it.

Write the letter then burn it with your BH. It’s for you two no one else.

reeling24

I feel as you.. same sow.. twice younger and a manipulative lowlife. I wouldn’t want anything from her. She caused so much pain and trauma in my life that anything from her is just done to undermine our marriage. She just posted 2 days ago that she’s still recovering from a relationship that never was real.. and she’s still suffering from a broken heart. It was 6 years ago.

And to HFSSC.. when you say your FWH was the only one responsible that only part truth because he needs an OW to betray you. Otherwise he’s texting himself and just having sex with himself and that’s not betrayal. Maybe he neglecting you but it’s not cheating. It takes 2 to tango.

[This message edited by Hurtbeyondtime at 6:51 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]

I never met with her after d day and I never apologized to her. Like I stated several times in this thread I don't want to apologize because I don't believe it will help her or me. I am remorseful for what I did. I work every day to make myself a better person. I would never want to cause further harm to anyone involved in this and I strongly believe no contact means no new hurts. Like I said, my B.S. Was the one to say hey, maybe that is what your dream means.

Tryingtocope- yes she is a divorce attorney. I wasn't the first affair and she made it clear to my BH when he contacted her that she wasn't leaving him. Pretty sure everything was rugswept. But that is how she found out. She had a PI she gave a lot of business and he followed us as a favor to her.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 7:14 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]

As a BS, I did receive an apology from the OW. It really meant nothing to me after all the lies and pain she and my spouse caused me. Honestly, today I rarely think of her at all and I hope I NEVER encounter her again in my life. It would be someone who is nothing to me trying to be relevant.

I wouldn't want to hear anything from the guy. After all my wife's lies, half-truths, and evasions, the last thing I need is another statement whose truth I have no way of ascertaining.

No good will come from it. Not swinging a 2 x 4, just being honest. If WH's AP ever contacted me, I'd go to jail. This could be a stage in your R, maybe a sign you are sorry you hurt more ppl than intended

And to HFSSC.. when you say your FWH was the only one responsible that only part truth because he needs an OW to betray you. Otherwise he’s texting himself and just having sex with himself and that’s not betrayal. Maybe he neglecting you but it’s not cheating. It takes 2 to tango.

That's actually the opposite of what I said. I was responding to someone who stated that the AP did not owe anything to a BS because AP never made vows or promises to the BS.

Which I believe is complete, utter... well, bullshit.

BH here.

For me, it's tough enough being on the same planet as OM. Any attempted contact I would see as a breech of NC, and quite frankly, I would reconsider staying with my WW. <- this because I would suspect that WW was in contact with him, and that's what spurred his apology.

I VERY MUCH believe that any apology from OM would be self serving; either he is trying to work his way back into WW's life, or he is trying to feel better about all that he did.

Another issue is the lies my WW told OM about me. I really wish there were someway for him to know that WW was lying when she told her tales of abuse etc. (I've never touched WW, and never even raise my voice.) To this day, he probably believes all that crap, and the injustice of those stories out there about me is insulting and bothersome.

If an AP wants to make amends - which can NEVER be done - the best you can do is just stay away. NO CONTACT. Go away. Vanish.

Pinkpggy

Well his wife already had words with me in person. On her dday she spoke to me. I am sorry for what I did. I am remorseful, but do I think that means anything to her, no? Do I think my BH would want to get an apology from the

AP? No.

I had read this as you had apologized in person

HFSSC.. sorry I misread... looks like misread quite a bit on this thread.

I'm another BW who would appreciate an apology, but I'm not sure you want to re-engage with a divorce lawyer who already threatened to sue you.

I'd work on forgiving yourself and see if that helps you feel better. If you still have this hanging over you, then you could reach out to BW and simply say, "I have written you an apology letter, but I want to respect your wishes for no contact. Please let me know if you'd like to read it." And if you do send her one, be very remorseful and take ownership, but also try to keep it vague enough so it's not obvious you're talking about an affair.

Don't. Just don't. Whether you're remorseful or not, it seems like your motive for writing it is to assuage your guilty conscience.

I received an unsolicited email "apology" from the OW. It was too general and vague. It reeked of insincerity, sort of like when you force a child to say he/she is sorry to another child. It felt like she just wrote it because she wanted to prove to someone else (like her boyfriend, a sponsor, or her church) that she really is remorseful and has changed. Bullshit. It was just words. She can take it and shove it up her ass.

I know I am not to blame for his actions, and he is responsible to his wife for forgiveness.

you are right. You aren't to blame for his actions. Just yours against her. Personally I didn't care to seek forgiveness from my APs BS and SO. I was too worried about my own. But, if saying he had more APs makes the guilt easier to bare than I think you are just blameshifting and that might come back to bite you in the ass.

But IMO I agree with other posters.

Whether you're remorseful or not, it seems like your motive for writing it is to assuage your guilty conscience.

This seems more about relieving you and your guilt and shame just from these comments.

I am remorseful, but do I think that means anything to her, no?

sounds damn condescending to me

Me shouting that I want nothing to do with him, that I don't love him, I never did, and saying the wife has nothing to worry about

I highly doubt she is worried that you want him if he chose her. You really just sound like you are trying to prove something to yourself, your BS, and to them. I sure wouldn't advice anything remotely along that statement.

Many programs have steps where you make ammends to those you trespass against. Not sure where you should be coming from when you do it. To relieve your guilt and shame or to honestly come from a remorseful place due the pain you caused someone else. Yours sounds more like regret to me. Sorry. But, remorse wouldn't state what you would or wouldn't do to me. It would simply state, "I am sorry for hurting you and sorry for trespassing into your family." Period. Not I don't love him. Not I will not bother you anymore. Not I never loved him. It really just sounds like you want the AP to know he means nothing to you. It comes across that you are hurt and trying to get your pound of flesh. Not saying you are. Just saying that if someone said that to me, that is what I would think their true motives are.

My wife eventually received and apology from my AP1. It was meaningless to her, the AP quickly followed up the apology with declarations that she was a good person and valued families. Ummm no, she wasn't and she didn't. Kinda made the apology more about herself and her reputation. She apologized and then totally negated it by imploring that she wasn't that bad. Do you think my wife cared that she thought she wasn't that bad? Hell no. All my wife knew was the woman that she was when she was screwing her family over. For all you know in this stage of her healing she probably would be happier that you were racked with guilt and shame. Her Karma. It sucks but it takes a while if ever for OBS to have compassion for the APs.

If you did apologize and she just shuts you down or tears into you, what then? How do you think you will feel then? Better or worse off then you are now?

Leave it NC. You are the outsider to their marriage and united front now. Stay that way. Learn to live with the guilt. Use it as a seasoning to never step foot in someone elses yard.

As a betrayed husband, I have zero interest in ever hearing from my wife's other guy. An apology from him would be meaningless.

Also, it sounds like in this particular case, it may create more problems than it solves.

There should be some kind of therapy or treatment for recurring nightmares.

So I would advise against the apology.

I don't believe an apology from an affair partner would carry any weight whatsoever with a betrayed spouse. If we recognize an affair is not a mistake but rather a selfish choice, how do you legitimately apologize for being selfish (a character trait) and, truthfully, how does that rectify what was done to them that nuked their world? I would stay no contact and mind my own business.

Thanks every....again it was a dream, not reality and I've actually not had the dream since posting this.

Remorse/regret. I'm aware and working through both. I have no intention of breaking no contact April 18th will be one year of it.