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Home From Deployment to Hell

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LtCdrLost posted 4/10/2018 13:46 PM

I canít even believe Iím typing this. My wife played the wife to another man for at least the past six months while I was gone. You hear about this all the time in the Navy but when it happens to you itís almost unreal how much it hurts. I trusted her, I had every reason to I thought.
I found out through the wives grapevine a few months ago. One of my old roommates (he was back home, it was his surveillance & confirmation that kicked an investigation into gear) got a top-drawer PI involved at my request.
I have ironclad proof of multiple types which are each indisputable, Iím going to burn her and the snake sheís been with to the ground. Iíll be seeing the bastardís command and initiating a prosecution through the JAG & Iím giving a duplicate package from the PI to his wife.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 7:51 AM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

annb posted 4/10/2018 13:54 PM

Hi, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join.

I recall several members who have gone through the same situation you are, cheating while on deployment. Somewhat clichť.

It sounds as though you have real clarity about the situation, just tread with knowledge, you don't want to do anything that will come back to bite you in the future.

Informing the other guy's wife is a must. Be kind and provide the proof.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but know you will survive this.

I'm assuming you haven't confronted your wife yet? NEVER reveal your sources, AND understand she might communicate with the other man giving him a heads up before his wife finds out. They will corroborate their stories, so proceed with caution.

[This message edited by annb at 1:55 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

Smillie posted 4/10/2018 13:57 PM

Hi LtCdrLost. Sorry you have found yourself here. You sound like a decisive guy which is a good thing in this situation. Have you confronted your wife yet? If not then your surprise attack is definately the best option. Usually the cheaters try and protect each other when caught. I agree whole heartedly with your decision to inform his command and his wife. There are lots of members here from military backgrounds who will reply shortly.

[This message edited by Smillie at 2:06 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/10/2018 14:02 PM

No I havenít confronted either yet. Iím getting my ducks in a row before I start dropping ordnance. Iím seeing a lawyer in an hour to discuss my options.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:14 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/10/2018 14:03 PM

Iíll check back here later.

WilliamM posted 4/10/2018 14:04 PM

Man, sorry you are hear. I like the plan to inform his command and his wife. Make sure tell the OBS before you tell your wife or she will warn the AP. Have you talked to your wife yet? If yes, then what is she saying? Has she tried to deny? Blame you? What was her reaction to the mess she caused?

skins21 posted 4/10/2018 14:08 PM

I like your plan, I hope it delivers the justice you seek. I have had no recourse against my WW's AP. His work found out about his multiple affairs and did nothing to him. HR actually is protecting him by firing the women he's banged in the office.

As far my WW is concerned we are selling the house and divorcing now. I can see the light at the end of tunnel after blindly navigating through the mental torture for the past year. Good luck to you!

Smillie posted 4/10/2018 14:09 PM

Try and get a look at her phone before she deletes anything. Trickle truth sucks so itís great if you can avoid that. You can check for polygraph testers in your area and book an appointment for your wife.

Itdoesntmatter posted 4/10/2018 14:12 PM

Hi, friend,

so sorry you are going through this. I know how much this hurts and all I can say, keep breathing. Explore your options. Talk to that lawyer. Don't do the surveillance tonight - do you really need to put yourself through that? The only person who will get more hurt will be you. It looks like you already know plenty, would a tad more help? It won't change anything, other than cause you more pain.

If you can, just breathe. I wish there was something more to say or do to help you thru this.

badmemory posted 4/10/2018 14:32 PM

Sorry you find yourself here and thank you for your service.

As a BH myself, I can't tell you how important it is to be decisive in your decision making and actions at this point. It seems that so far you're making the right decisions.

Believe me, I understand you wanting your pound of flesh. But let me caution you not to let your anger derail what should be a calculating, systematic approach to getting out of infidelity; one that will give you the best outcome. It's important to keep your moral high ground and ensure you have maximum legal options if you are heading for D. You do that by being the adult in the room.

You don't mention whether you have kids, but if you do, always keep in mind that she is still the mother of your children. What effects her may effect them. Either way, that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve consequences. She deserves all of them - exposure included. My advice is just make sure you deliver them appropriately; by remaining as calm and detached as you can. Make sure you run your strategy by your attorney before you take any action.

As far as the OM, go ahead and give him everything he deserves - legally.

If you don't know whether you will R or D right now that's fine. If you ultimately decide to consider R, don't make the decision until you've had a least a month or more to gauge your wife's remorse and your capacity to get past this. It's going to be double tough to R if you have to re-deploy right away. Maybe too tough given the trust issues.

Keep posting. We're here to help you.

[This message edited by badmemory at 3:03 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

StillStanding1 posted 4/10/2018 14:54 PM

Iím so sorry this is what you are coming home to. Not the welcome you deserve at all. Awful.

It sounds like you have firmly taken control and that is very good. That means you are on a fast track out of infidelity - whichever path you end up choosing. Your pain will still be great and we all know that. Thereís no sidestepping it. But you will come out on the other side.

Good for you for getting your ducks in a row. Think through the timing on confrontation with your W and informing the BS. Do you have kids? If so, please make arrangements for them to be elsewhere for the confrontation - they need to be protected from witnessing the ugliness.

Will be holding you in my thoughts. Thank you for your service. You absolutely do not deserve this.

LtCdrLost posted 4/10/2018 15:06 PM

Skins, this is the Navy. The POS is going to pay a high price under the UCMJ. The complaint supported by evidence Iím filing with the fleet JAG is going to bring consequences to him thatíll stay with him for life.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 9:13 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

Txquail posted 4/10/2018 15:17 PM

Sorry LtCdrLost.

Go see the Chaplain and talk to him. You need to out the Jodie. For those not in the military, military code of conduct has rules about spouses. You will destroy your career if you mess with another mans wife snd you get caught with evidence.

Had something similar happen to me back 20 years ago. The POSOM career was shot and he resigned his commission.

[This message edited by Txquail at 3:18 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

2018MLMM posted 4/10/2018 15:25 PM

Iím sorry that you have found yourself in this position.

My advice, is do not let her know anything. If possible, donít let her know that you are even in the US until
You have everything have everything lined up.

Get a lawyer and file ASAP, and then have her be served by surprise. Also, get to a doctor ASAP and get checked for STDs

If you could time her being served with the divorce papers to be at the same day that piece of shit is also notified by the Navy, so much the better. Once the cat is out of the bag, you want to blow it wide open as soon as possible. That means getting everything to the piece of shit wife on the same day. And be sure to get the truth out to your and her friends and family. Donít let her write the.narrative!

I am so sorry for you. Yes, you are in shock and you are about to get on an emotional rollercoaster. No matter what she says, no matter what problems you may have had in the marriage, no matter how lonely she was during this deployment, none of it is your fault. This is all on her.

Most of the people here are phenomenal. But just be careful, there are people who will go out of their way just to annoy you. I guess that they think it is funny or they get some sort of enjoyment out of watching us go through our help.

Listen to the people who you think makes sense and ignore the fools.

HouseOfPlane posted 4/10/2018 15:52 PM

LCL, fellow Navy retired. Been there, seen it.

Iím going to burn her and the snake sheís been with to the ground.
My one comment to you is the thought that in order to punch, you got to get close enough to get punched back, and you have to drop your guard while you take your shot.

What does that mean? That if your end goal is to put the marriage behind you and step off expeditiously into your next phase of life (my recommendation) do not get too caught up in the revenge and death-dealing. Just detach, detach, detach. Let the LPO's command know, and let the process work its magic. File with your future ex-wife, and let that process work too.

Do you want to hurt your wife? Stop caring. That will crush her more than any amount of yelling.

Sending strength, shipmate!

OneInTheSame posted 4/10/2018 16:02 PM

I am so sorry that this is the thanks you get from your spouse for providing her a loving home and security, while serving your country. I agree this happens way too frequently.

When I was young and in love with a young Navy man, I learned he found someone else while I was anticipating him coming home to marry me. (In that instance I dodged a bullet, but it hurt none-the-less.)

And later in life, when I found myself single and dating, an Army Captain I became smitten with let his wife's name slip once when we were spending a week-end together. Only then did I learn he had a thing for women who weren't his spouse; he even called me a year or so later to tell me about his newest paramour, as if I would be excited for him! I asked him to never contact me again. But I have often wondered if I should have contacted his wife and let her know she might want to get STD tested and ask him about his activities. It kind of irks me that he is now retired on a nice Army pension, with loads of commendations and a nice status in the community . . . when I know he probably cheated on his wife during his entire career. That experience left me wondering just how many military families are destroyed by infidelity, one way or the other. I also left me feeling used.

I am sorry you have been unwillingly dragged into such a scene. I hope that for all involved, your wife is immediately remorseful and realizes her terrible breach of your trust and fidelity. Be prepared for a long and difficult grief period. You have counseling services available, and I would heartily suggest you avail yourself of them. I have been seeing a very good VA counselor who practices EMDR therapy, courtesy of the Veteran's benefit that spouses can access therapy. My wife is an Army vet whose issues actually go way back to boot camp, where she was sexually assaulted twice, once by the very man who was tasked with providing protection at the barracks! Her counselor has encouraged her to open a claim for her resulting issues, but it is painful to relive decades-old hurts. (She did succeed in getting one of her assailants court martialed, but that didn't erase all the damage and resulting anger issues. She did successfully prevent rape in both instances. This all happened before "Don't Ask, Don't Tell.")

I hope this forum can provide you a place to vent and a place to get comfort. Sorry I sorta hijacked your terrible story . . . but I am still trying to make sense of how someone on whom we all depend for our security, and honor, can cross that line. I am not sure what we must do to safeguard our relationships when we live in a culture that looks the other way all too often. I wish you well, and hope we can help your journey be a little less painful.

Semper Fi. My dearest brother gave all in 1969, Vietnam. I have a huge heart for our military men and women.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/10/2018 16:11 PM

LtCdrLost, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you are taking a sensible approach. Pull the trigger on the divorce and the POS. Then step back, do what you can to detach and live YOUR life.

Be prepared for your wife to start crying, begging, apologizing, etc, so that you will take her back. Don't fall for it. She's not sorry she did it, she's sorry she got caught.

And thank you for your service, you deserve so much better than this.

Cooley2here posted 4/10/2018 16:17 PM

I am so sorry for the mess you find yourself in. Thank you for your service. You have a high ranking which means you are planning on staying in the Navy. Donít sabotage your future by doing anything that can go in your file. Be a gentleman. Let the pos get his due through legal channels and keep your marriage troubles off your ship/post.
In my job I have spent years before judges. They are nothing like what you see on tv. They all bring their quirks into the courtroom. He might get a tough old bird or one who could care less.
Go hit a punching bag, run, bike but donít get written up for stupidity.
Take care of yourself

northeasternarea posted 4/10/2018 16:20 PM

Take care of yourself. Thank you for your service.

Jduff posted 4/10/2018 16:26 PM

If JAG allows you to share that duplicate info packet to the other betrayed wife before both your WW and her AP are confronted, consider a coordinated simultaneous exposure. That way the other betrayed spouse can prepare her own questions ahead of time and know that her husband is lying based on the facts you provided.

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