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Home From Deployment to Hell

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LivingWithPain posted 4/12/2018 14:53 PM

LtCdrLost, don't be surprised if she doesn't react he way you expect.

She could scream and beg and crawl and plead, OR she may just shrug her shoulders and say "whatever...do what you have to do" and act like its no big deal. An underwhelming response may be what you get if this was truly an exit affair.

I've seen these go down lots of different ways. Just don't be put off if she doesn't give you the devastated response you were expecting.

tiredofcrying59 posted 4/12/2018 14:56 PM

Well, I wouldn't blame you for wanting the closure of telling her what she's done to you. But I also understand just not wanting to see her at all.

Whatever you decide, it's your choice to make. Maybe you'll decide after time passes that you want to work it out. And there's no shame in that. A lot of us here are living with that person still. But I totally understand those who want no part of them.

Thank you for your service, BTW. And I hope you start feeling happiness again soon, whatever that looks like for you.

StillStanding1 posted 4/12/2018 14:58 PM

Iím so sorry. I think, even after all the meticulous planning, the emotional impact is something you just canít plan for.

Youíve had a good long time to wrap your mind around all this. The heart is going to need more time to catch up. Iím really sorry youíre going through this. Do strong military men accept a sisterly hug of solidarity? If so, Iím sending one.

Chili posted 4/12/2018 14:59 PM

You're doing brilliantly - so let's not waffle now.

You have an excellent plan in place. Get it done. Stay detached and keep it compartmentalized. You know how to do that better than most.

Then get your butt out to SD.

After it all goes down, you can see what's what then.

Not much longer now.

Sanibelredfish posted 4/12/2018 15:04 PM

LCL, how you feel is certainly understandable and it is no different than most people feel when this happens to them. You are human after all.

The difference between you and many others is that you are taking action instead of letting your thoughts and feelings paralyze you. I suspect that has to do with your education and training.

I recommend keeping the emotions at bay at least until you can have her served. How she reacts to that shot across the bow will allow you to determine whether or not a face-to-face confrontation will have any potential benefit to you.

Good luck!

LtCdrLost posted 4/12/2018 15:11 PM

After I shower & get chow Iím going to relieve the Duty Officer and stand his watch. That way I canít do anything stupid until after 0800 tomorrow.

Dismayed2012 posted 4/12/2018 15:14 PM

"That way I canít do anything stupid until after 0800 tomorrow."

Good call.

Jduff posted 4/12/2018 15:19 PM

LtCdrLost, if she had a petition on file you likely would have been told already. That's probably the first thing your attorney looked into after you retained her.

I'm sure you have planned this well but do be prepared for what's to come during that 10-day break. Since putting your action plan in motion what you've compartmentalized may come not back out for analysis in the way you expected. Getting betrayed like this is a real mind-fuck, especially when we had some history with our partners. If opportunity permits do consider seeking some IC if you haven't already or haven't already planned on it. Have a buddy or two you trust to be open with and let them know what you really went through. It's better to get it out, process it, accept it and let it go rather than bury it. I say this because my stepfather is a retired Lt. Col. USMC and he had to suffer infidelity when he was stationed in Japan. He was a 1stLt at the time his wife was having an affair with a Major. This was back in late 60s . Instead of fully utilizing UCMJ, he handled it initially through the private channels via Japanese court system for divorce. His CO eventually found out and met with him. Told him had he known about the affair he would have gone out of his way to shit-can the Major's career, and who was married to an Admiral's daughter. Anyway, long story short he kept all of that to himself for nearly 50 years until I came to him for advise on my own Dday. That's when he opened up to me about his past and I think in a lot of ways our conversation helped him more than it helped me, to finally get his story out, to no longer have bury it out of shame. BTW, my biological father was in the Navy as well. As far as I understood he was in ONI at the time when I was born. I've been a military brat all my youth so I know about those long deployments as a dependent. That's what killed the marriage between my mother and my biological dad. My step-dad wasn't deployed as much but it was a combination of that and the fact that my mom figured out how to fit in (she's Japanese) as a military wife.

MidnightRun posted 4/12/2018 15:25 PM

Smart move.

As you mentioned earlier, discipline over motivation.

It's painful, but remember we're here for you--whatever the endgame.

Cromer posted 4/12/2018 15:32 PM


ZenMumWalking posted 4/12/2018 15:38 PM

I donít mean to give the impression that this hasnít torn out my heart & put it on the ground.

We all get that. None of us wanted to be here.

What is admirable is that you were able to decide what you could and could not live with, and you acted decisively on that.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when WW and fuckbuddy get nuked.

You just hang in there and take care of YOU. Ignore any attempt she makes to try to 'win you back'. She's not your problem any more. If she has anything to say, she can say it to your lawyer.

Wittold posted 4/12/2018 16:12 PM

My hat's off to you. It's hard enough being deployed when your family is supporting you, but knowing that she's actively cheating while you're deployed? I can't begin to imagine how horrible this has been for you. Amazing patience on your part, simply amazing.

Former O-3 SWO

antlered posted 4/12/2018 16:15 PM

Glad to see you are staying the course and your meeting with POS superiors went well. Delayed promotion at the very least .

Tomorrow is a big day for everyone involved. Continue to keep your focus when the emotions come.

Most of the time here it is very effective when the BS just files and goes radio silent. Also no contact is just easier on the BS. (i.e. Going dark on her will probably freak her out the most and is the easiest for you.)

One thing to add: Do you have important personal keepsakes of yours in your home? They are/will be in the possession of your wife and POS.... Tomorrow AM, while she's at work and before the hammer hits, would be an excellent time to retrieve them. Bring a friend if at all possible. They'll come in handy to carry stuff, a witness on the off chance she shows up, and you are more likely to keep focus on business of getting your stuff out.

twisted posted 4/12/2018 16:58 PM

good advice

LtCdrLost posted 4/12/2018 16:58 PM

Antlered that's exactly what I was thinking. I have a whole wall of things I'll take & just put in boxes. I can pack everything for my likely move to the west coast later. My uniforms, firearms, etc. I'll have help with me who can also be witnesses if anything flies off the rails. Walking in that house after what has taken place inside those walls is going to be surreal.

LtCdrLost posted 4/12/2018 16:59 PM

Witt, thank you.

LtCdrLost posted 4/12/2018 17:09 PM

I had a conversation earlier with my own CO, he just said, "Damn, I'm sorry... Anything you need from this command, see me directly". I'm glad I left a locker here, I had to have a set of wash Khakis to stand OOD. I'll turn the watch over to the Jr OOD at 2300 or so and try to get 5-6 hours of sleep. I'll check back later.

MidnightRun posted 4/12/2018 17:14 PM

You thought you knew your wife, but the affair proves you don't. Remember the VAR at all times.

Wittold posted 4/12/2018 17:14 PM

I've only returned from deployments via ship (something you can't really hide), and had my wife/kids at the pier waiting for me. We'd usually go home to a welcome home party/bbq with family/friends all there. My wife ALWAYS took the day off of work for this, and usually had a group of family/friends there to help her out. I'm just concerned that your wife may stay home to set up for a party and that you may be walking into a group of people. Something to consider I guess.

LtCdrLost posted 4/12/2018 17:25 PM

Midnight, I'll be taking precautions. I'll have a couple of sets of eyes on the house before I roll up. I'm getting a small team together to execute this tomorrow, and we're getting everything off any electronic devices in the house. Her & the A/F tech have no idea about tiger they have by the tail. The whore wife should, but apparently she has forgot who she's married to (for now).

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