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Home From Deployment to Hell

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Unhinged posted 4/14/2018 19:35 PM

Don't you think 14 years entitles her to that?
There are no words, sir. Those who don't know, don't know. Let it rest at that. He's a father trying to look out for his daughter. That's life. It just is.

I don't know or understand where people get such a profound sense of entitlement, but it seems rather common. Your FIL trying to address this within the company (even nearby) of your superiors (not to mention at a family event for your entire group) crosses a few lines. I understand his concern for his daughter, but that really doesn't entitle him to put you on the spot like that.

I don't have much advice on what to say at this meeting tonight. I tried talking to my MIL about all of this, but it didn't take me long to realize I was barking up the wrong tree.

You said you'd meet and there you go. However, you can keep this brief. In fact, treat it like a debriefing, like you're filing an after action report.

You're one tough cookie, skipper.

homewrecked2011 posted 4/14/2018 19:38 PM

She needs to talk to you bc the mental pressure is building up in her and she wants to release the pressure by “discussing things with you” or arguing with you. Don’t be her pressure release valve.

How dare she try to further insult you by acting like “it’s not what it seems”. Good riddance.

And if her parents think she’s a basket case, they need to check her into a treatment facility to get mental help. (This has happened on SI).

Cromer posted 4/14/2018 19:39 PM

The question to ask married parents of a cheater, in my case xMIL, what would you have done if xFIL put his penis in another woman? It's a quick shutdown, at least from what I've experienced.

Shame is a powerful thing. She should feel shame. That shame should make her feel subhuman. Then maybe someday she won't cheat again because of that shame. Sometimes shame is the only teacher strong enough to make the point.


And if her parents think she’s a basket case, they need to check her into a treatment facility to get mental help. (This has happened on SI).

Happened to my XWW.

[This message edited by Cromer at 7:43 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

The1stWife posted 4/14/2018 19:48 PM

I’m sorry she and her parents showed up.

I am certain if that were my parents - there is no way they would have shown up. It would hav been “you make your bed you lie in it”. They would never intervene b/c they would have told me that cheating is unforgivable AND I need to face the consequences on my own.

No help from them. And they most likely would have read me the riot act for cheating in the first place.

Some people never understood the term consequences

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:48 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/14/2018 19:48 PM

I'm headed to meet stbxW and IL's at the O Club on base, I was able to get one of the small private dining rooms. Private, but there's an abundance of staff on the premises. Everything will be taped to prevent any false claims afterward. I'll keep the VAR to myself. I'll be back later.

The1stWife posted 4/14/2018 19:49 PM

I hope it is over quickly.

LtCdrLost posted 4/14/2018 19:52 PM

In a briefcase I have the entire ring bindered timeline of her illicit affair as provided by the PI and a few dozen choice photos of her and loverboy in various settings & locations. To nip any bullshit which may be promulgated in the bud. I'll only open the briefcase if necessary.

SCARLETT94 posted 4/14/2018 19:57 PM

She's a fool if she lies during this meeting.
She has to know how thorough you are

[This message edited by SCARLETT94 at 7:57 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

MidnightRun posted 4/14/2018 20:05 PM

Expect tears like Niagra Falls, pleas like a condemn soul.

SorrowfulMoon posted 4/14/2018 20:06 PM

Firstly, congratulations on your Award.

It would seem this was not an exit affair. However, her flagrant and regular use of your marital home and bed shows a breathtaking callousness, not only in terms of disrespecting you but also for you finding out. To me it is almost tantamount to her flaunting her affair in your face, as it would obviously all be observed by your neighbours (which it was), without a care in the world.

To have a secret affair because she is broken is one thing but to do this openly and carelessly thus endangering the wellbeing of her devoted husband, who is serving his country abroad, is entirely another.

I would normally be supportive of a wayward spouse who is remorseful but this is beyond the pale, even if that were the case.

I would ask you, however, to be the better person in these horrendous circumstances. Recent events have shown that a wayward can take extreme measures if they find that their world has fallen apart. Please show her the grace she has not shown you even in your pain and try and treat her with some respect, although she deserves very little.

You have handled this admirably and should be proud of yourself.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 8:08 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 4/14/2018 20:11 PM

So glad you made it through that Shitfest. ( I’m a nurse, we swear a lot)

Keep on keeping on. It’s all we can do.

Dismayed2012 posted 4/14/2018 21:14 PM

I'm rooting for you LtCdr. Hoping that it went well with no major hiccups. I hope also that you didn't need the briefcase. My ex's continuous lies even after I had more info than she was giving caused me to dislike her even more. The least she could have been was honest once she knew she'd been found out. But what did I expect from a cheating slut. In any case, you've got more going for you than this turmoil. Over time this will simply be a lesson learned and a disaster avoided. You're doing great so far. Keep focus on your future happiness; it's coming; the burden will lift.

TimSC posted 4/14/2018 21:36 PM


Good luck.

Sounds like you went through all the Grief stages before getting back home and are now at Acceptance and ready to move on to a new life without her.

I hope STBXW and her family don't make this more complicated for you.

Stay strong.

wonderpets posted 4/14/2018 22:40 PM

Good luck. I think you are keeping your word, and doing great.

From one BH to another, remember this:

Her reaction to this, the divorce, and her attempt at a life after might be so pathetic and sad that you feel sympathy for her. Hard to imagine now, but they can really, really fuck up their lives.

Sympathy is normal. Just remember you are doing what it's right, and what is needed for you.

Smillie posted 4/14/2018 23:48 PM

Here come the waterworks. Guilt is not a pleasant feeling. You will get excuses and justifications however most of them will be made up. In reality she had an affair because she wanted to and she thought she would not get caught. That is why most crimes are committed. Well it backfired for her. You should get another medal for dealing with this. Bring on the vacation.

[This message edited by Smillie at 8:16 AM, April 15th (Sunday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/15/2018 00:08 AM

I was with them for barely over an hour but it seemed much longer. Stbxw tried to get up and hug me when I arrived. (I deliberately arrived last) I avoided that deftly then I requested that they change their seats so her parents sat on each side of her while I sat alone on the other side of the table. I could see all their faces and observe when they exchanged looks & glances.
C cried and denied, she contradicted herself with inconsistent comments and narratives, etc. She tried to love bomb me, "it isn't what it looks like, it only happened once, it was a mistake, please just let me make this up to you, I never stopped loving you, how could you just walk away", etc etc... I opened the ring binder and asked some very pointed questions while referencing the timeline. I told her she needs to to stop lying & I dropped the bomb that I've known about this since right after Thanksgiving. Then I put the photos I brought (I have nothing sexually explicit, but plenty of them are incriminating as hell) on the table.
When I asked her how many times she brought her fuckbuddy into our bedroom she started hyperventilating. I left the three of them there and just felt like an empty vessel as I drove back to my quarters. The solid takeaways are that not one of the three has any illusions whatsoever about any reconciliation ever taking place, that there will be no further talks like this, and C is going to stay with her parents for awhile.
I said nothing about my trip to SD next week, but in truth Wednesday cannot get here too soon. I'll give a more comprehensive account in the morning, I'm beat.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 1:08 AM, April 15th (Sunday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/15/2018 00:11 AM

Thank you all for extending yourselves to me during the worst days I've ever experienced which did not involve hostile fire. I know there's still a path to be traveled but it sure seems like something big was passed today & yesterday.

WilliamM posted 4/15/2018 00:14 AM

I am proud of you. You handled it beautifully. I know it hurts. But now it is time to take care of yourself and begin to heal.

IceThee posted 4/15/2018 00:17 AM

how could I just walk away, etc etc...

This is a popular WS statement... however what's important to observe here is that by having an A, the WS has already left the marriage.

Rest well.

HardenMyHeart posted 4/15/2018 00:36 AM

it only happened once, it was a mistake,
I kind of suspected this is what she told her parents. It would explain your FIL's behavior as well. It's so sad that your Stbxw is still lying to all the people that love her the most. She has reached rock bottom and keeps digging.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this, but your handling of the situation was exemplary.

Sleep well. You deserve it.

ETA: Forgot to congratulate you on your new 'chest candy'. Well done!

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:50 AM, April 15th (Sunday)]

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