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Home From Deployment to Hell

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TimelessLoss posted 4/16/2018 23:57 PM


1. Seeing the chaplain...great move.
2. Your (STBX)FIL...you've shown him a fair measure of respect and deference (three times now by my count).
3. You've given A and her father fair warning to cease direct communication.
4. Block her number...I expect you'll have to block the (STBX)in-law's number(s) as well.
5. Notification of the OBS...this was a righteous move on your part to allow her a measure of control over her life.
6. Military spouses are in the military...they don't take the oath to support and defend the Constitution, they support and defend their service member spouse through their M vows.
7. You no longer recognize your (STBX)W...she was special to you in everyway, you have a shared history with her that encompasses your adult life...now that bond has been broken because of her choice to create a shared history with another man(manchild).
8. You no longer recognize your (STBX)W...because she in no longer special...her spoken words and text messages show her to be a clichť. Her words and phrases are virtually verbatim of the script employed by so many cheaters.

deephurt posted 4/17/2018 00:13 AM

Iím quite late to this thread. I donít venture into JFO as often as I should. I donít feel like I can really help anyone immediately after dday

First, even though I am not from the US, I would like to thank you for your service. I am from your friendly neighbor to the north.

However, you appear to be doing better than most. Iím sure you have some really bad moments, however, you have handled your situation in a very capable manner. I wish I was as capable as you so close to dday

Your ww sounds like she is having some difficulties handling the consequence of her actions. Too bad she didnít think that through before spreading her legs for someone who isnít her husband.

Itís now obviously a good thing that you didnít have kids with her. You would be tied to her for a very long time if you did.

I find it reprehensible that some cheat on their spouses while deployed, defending their country, in the line of fire.

I hope the d goes smoothly and you can begin to move past this pain that we all share.

Phoenix1 posted 4/17/2018 00:22 AM

What you have to understand is that she didn't suddenly break. There is a character flaw that just needed the right set of circumstances to surface. It has likely always been lying there, dormant.

You also have to accept the fact that you will likely never get a satisfactory why, or the full truth in terms of extent. You will drive yourself nuts searching for those elusive answers.

What we tell people is that reaching acceptance and indifference is the goal. It takes time, no matter how well you can compartmentalize. You still need to process your feelings and the loss of your marriage and the spouse you thought you had. Totally normal, but don't ignore your own self-care. Even the most stalwart can use some help once in a while. Reaching out to the chaplain is a good move.

My ex is retired law enforcement. He was gone a lot as he did some LEO stints in remote areas (chief of police as well as federal capacities) where I did not want to drag the kids. I had ample opportunity for extracurricular activities, but the thought of straying and betraying my vows never crossed my mind. He, on the other hand, was also a master compartmentalizer. That allowed a double life for over 20 years. Every "happy homecoming" is now tainted. I do not know this man, even after 30 years, but I do know I don't share his values and the only solution was to end it. I will never know the full story or understand what drove him to do what he did, but I have accepted that it happened, I can't change it, and have healed and moved on into a much healthier and happier life.

You've done a phenomenal job, but cut yourself some slack. Enjoy your impending R and R, take some deep breaths, and enjoy the SD sunshine. You deserve it.

otter posted 4/17/2018 00:25 AM

"What breaks somebody like this? She's a highly intelligent woman, a 160+ IQ, a Masters level engineer with degrees from competitive and prestigious schools. I really thought I had a keeper in her."

She thinks she is smart enough to manage her way thought this fiasco. She didn't break, she just never had the morality and level of trust you thought she deserved. Education has nothing to do with how decent and trustworthy a person is. If it does its in a negative sense as serial killers are geniuses and believe they are smarter than anyone else until they are caught (which unfortunately because they are smart takes a while). I doubt this is her first rodeo, but it is the first she didn't get away it and she appears to believe she can recover from it.

I think you are a great guy, but you picked someone who let you down in a major way. You are not to blame, but maybe it wouldn't hurt thinking about the qualities that attracted you to her and whether your 'picker' needs to be adjusted. I stole that phrase from a RockStarDad, but I feel it fits for most of us BS's. RockStarDad got a shrinks help him figure out what he saw positive in his ex wife and what he missed about her negatives. I encourage you to do that also (I did it with my relationship, but without a shrink).

Your wife didn't have a one night stand, she completely set up house and managed to hide any evidence of it from you. If no one had clued you in you would still be with her. My WS was a giant ass from the moment he started cheating which meant he was done with our relationship in his mind versus being the master of deception. I knew something was very wrong. Yours never gave you a hint of what she was doing, it took outside forces to let you know. That is incredibly scary and means in the future you can never know whether things are great or she is hiding something. I only forgave my WS because it was so obvious to me that something was very wrong (and in hindsight that he was involved with someone) that if he does it again I will know immediately. It was an exit affair that continued because he was too weak to break our relationship off. He was also too weak to bring up his issues with so we could work on them which is what we ended up doing. His goal was not to trick me but to get what he wanted without having to have conflict. Since he wasn't invested in deceiving me he complete sucked at it. He didn't even care that he sucked at it. It shows a completely different motivation from someone who thinks they are smart enough to manipulate you if they can only get you alone in a particular location. Steer clear!!

LtCdrLost posted 4/17/2018 00:26 AM

...her intelligence and accomplishments probably helped lead her to a sense of entitlement... AND deluded her into thinking she was so smart you would never catch her.

Dyoke, I'm cringing a little over how this will probably come across but my IQ is higher than "A's". She's a smart cookie but she knows where we were intellectually.
Though I obviously don't really know the woman or her thought processes.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 12:49 AM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

MrMagnolia posted 4/17/2018 01:26 AM

I don't doubt what you are saying, however, I don't know that I've met a wife who didn't think they were far superior to their husband in some sort of mental capacity. The truth of it is really secondary to how they feel or think in judging how someone might act.

I have a friend who is literally a rocket scientist and one of the highest paid people at his government job which employs nothing but Phd after Phd and they all regard him as the reincarnation of budda/Einstein. The man has a memory that's close to perfect recall and can play about ten different instruments. Yet, walk into his house and his wife will tell you all about how little her husband knows about anything to do with fashion, art, design, architecture and how badly he struggles to speak in her native tongue without the world's worst American accent lol. It's pretty funny to watch actually.

Mrhealed posted 4/17/2018 02:02 AM


It is amazing how after losing her marriage, House, parental respect, etc. Your WW is stil not just un Contact with OM but trying to protect him!

It makes me think that the A was with a Deep emotional conection so the may ene up toguether. Considero gracias that if they cheat with you they Will cheat on you, It wont last. Anyhow, they deserve eachother.

Also makes me think, why OM risked everyhting on your wife. Maybe your WW was the agressor, and maybe It was not her first Affair.

Ir al deeply sorry for your situation but I belive is better yo know now than after 30 years if continuos betrayal

OrdinaryDude posted 4/17/2018 02:15 AM

My wife has always known I was quite a bit smarter than she, but she thought she had some kind of moral or spiritual maturity that I lacked somehow.

Funny, Iím not the one that was stepping outside of the M vows, just sayiní.

LtCmd, thank you for your honorable service, I would have been proud to serve with more men like you...Iím an old army guy.

MrMagnolia posted 4/17/2018 02:23 AM

Just to play devil's advocate it could be that STBXWW here is trying to minimize the damage her and her Fuckbuddy have brought. It's possible she realizes she's 1/2 of the wrecking ball that annihilated two homes and how that's going to affect people outside of herself (BS, FIL, MIL, AP's wife and kids etc. etc. etc.). Obviously and incorrectly she believes she can somehow mitigate the damage.

I'm not sticking up for her there either as I think the goal she has in mind would be to keep herself from having to take on any more guilt for what she's done. That would be my best guess for her motivation in doing so.

Mrhealed posted 4/17/2018 02:47 AM

^^^^ this

I think she is doing damage control interno all fronts, ta least trying.

As other WS , she is just startibg to realize cheating consequences.

Well, It is not LCL problem anymore. Once D is final and House sold, this chanter ends.

nscale56 posted 4/17/2018 03:09 AM

High IQ does not equal common sense.

Booyah posted 4/17/2018 04:04 AM

Since this may not be her first rodeo it would behoove you to be tested for STD's.

Booyah posted 4/17/2018 04:11 AM

LtC, my bad, glad you were already tested.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 4/17/2018 06:34 AM

As I sit here 2 years past DDay, still struggling and hurting I have to tell you how I am in awe at how you have handled all of this. Even the OM's wife who was just informed by you has already decided to D, take her kids and move to another state. I envy the ability to make a firm decision, plan and execution. It puts you both squarely on the path towards healing and moving on.

The way you have handled everything is outstanding.

As others have said, yes we all look at our spouses and wonder who the hell they are. Where is the person we married? Thing is they were this "stranger" we now see all along. Their capability to be a deceitful person was there the whole time. Infidelity just rips the mask off and we get to see their true self.

I truly hope you will stick around here. Your strength is inspiring.

oldtruck posted 4/17/2018 06:55 AM

Do not forget to come back and update us on the
OM's consequences.

MidnightRun posted 4/17/2018 07:28 AM

Her sitting across from you hyperventilating clearly showed her who was smarter. But that's beside the point. Her moral IQ is in the toilet. I was shocked at how clinical she cast the affair.

She's certainly no keeper.

TimelessLoss posted 4/17/2018 07:33 AM


You are at a "normal" place where you are trying to make sense of her actions. Trying to understand the inexplicable. Chasing down rabbit holes. It is all part of the process of coming to terms with something that is unfathomable. The healing will only be apparent over time, a good long while of time. And everyone's healing looks different. Feeling anger, resentment, and all the other emotions hurts like hell. But that is part of healing. Imagine a physically traumatic injury where full recover is dependent on physical therapy. PT is physically painful. It seems counterintuitive that working through pain is the path to healing.

You are going to come up with your own barometers to assess the progress of your healing. Right now your heart and mind are misaligned. In the passage of time you will catch glimpses of some alignment. Those glimpses will become more frequent and will begin to link up for longer stretches of time.

You will come to your own understanding. But substitute "conclusion" for "understanding". A measure of your healing will be when you conclude that there is nothing you did to cause her betrayal. And nothing you could have done to prevent it. One of the steps in processing grief is Bargaining, the "if only" stage. "If only I had...". You'll visit this stage of healing many times in trying to some to some understanding. You can use this as one barometer of your healing.
I believe that eventually you will exhaust all possible rationales for why she did what she did. At that stage you should be left with the conclusion that she did it because she wanted to. Because there really isn't any other rationale explanation.

Cromer posted 4/17/2018 07:46 AM

You probably don't know why, but I am curious.

You said that AP is going to a Summary Courts Martial, but then said he would get no brig time. The whole point of the Summary is to go for the 30-day brig sentence. He should see brig time.

If the command is deciding ahead of the trial "no brig time" for a Summary, that is a major legal blunder because AP can show "undo command influence" if that gets back to him. It's up to the Officer presiding over the court to make a decision on evidence, guilt and sentence recommendation. Ultimately though the CO has final say about the sentence, so if he's already made up his mind and made it known that no brig time, that isn't good. Might as well do an Art 15.

[This message edited by Cromer at 8:01 AM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

Thislife posted 4/17/2018 07:47 AM

LtCdrLost ...
I am very sorry that you find yourself here.
Your story, your reality is very upsetting to me. I cannot imagine being so far away and being aware of her indiscretions and lack of respect for, at least, your shared history. I donít know how you were able to do that! I imagine it was your strength of character and the mission at hand.
I am truly sorry that she chose to break your heart into a thousand pieces and take part in something that would bring future pain to so many innocents.
Your thread has repeatedly brought me to tears and has broken my heart for you, OBS and her children. This thread has reopened the door (to be fair - it was still slightly ajar) To my own wondering about the ďstrangerĒ beside me. How long has he been this way? Did he change or has he always been this person. In the end, it doesnít really matter, he is who he is .... they are who they are today and today - they are the breaker of history... of futures imagined ... of hearts.
I hope that you take the time and find a way to heal (completely) from this crazy - it will be a terrible long ride but there are things that you will learn along the way about yourself and what defines you. Your strength of character will lead your way and by the way, I see your compassion and humanity, too - right under all that focused determination.
Stay strong - stay safe - stay you!

reallyscrewedup7 posted 4/17/2018 08:44 AM

Just two days from Coronado... Hang in there and know that there are a lot of people in your corner, even if some of them are only connected virtually.

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