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Home From Deployment to Hell

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LtCdrLost posted 4/26/2018 19:45 PM

WhatsRight, I wish you'd delete that first sentence... It's an honor to be compared favorably with a man like your Father, and by his daughter at that.

I have thought of this John F. Kennedy quote countless times over these past nearly 18 years. From the Dark Ages during Plebe year at the Boat School, to my last deployment.

ďI can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: 'I served in the United States Navy.Ē John Fitzgerald Kennedy

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 7:45 PM, April 26th (Thursday)]

MidnightRun posted 4/26/2018 19:46 PM

Affairs are a bitch: Your stbxw is now delusional, and om is in tears.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:07 PM, April 26th (Thursday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/26/2018 19:54 PM

Midnight, he's screwed. I really can't reach out to anybody about the case against him, but after this ten day evolution I'm back in VaBch for awhile, scuttlebutt has a way of getting around...

Cooley2here posted 4/26/2018 19:58 PM

When the military decides to do it right by its members nothing is better. In the civilian world cheaters usually pay no price.

PricklePatch posted 4/26/2018 20:09 PM

Her father needs to tell her mental health people this. I fear the mil maybe enabling. I think FIL took it to far.

You upheld your honor.

Now I gucess go enjoy your training. Since no beach yoga here.

TimelessLoss posted 4/26/2018 23:26 PM


The FIL/MIL's flawed linear thinking and logic shines through: filing for D precipitated her condition, which you can "fix" by taking her back, "working things out".

Kamstel posted 4/27/2018 05:15 AM

Seems to me that she was better prepared to be visited by chaplain in the middle of the night than you ever finding out about her and posom. Losing her husband on a mission in Shitholeistan was a real possibility, but you discovering who she really was, and what she was doing was NEVER a possibility!!!!

Good luck, stay as safe as possible, and enjoy the training

LtCdrLost posted 4/27/2018 10:27 AM

Folks I'll be incommunicado for a time but if I get the chance to look in here I will. Thank you again for all your kindness and encouraging words. I'll be back, and it's my hope that there's real progress in excising this tumor from my life in the meantime. It is isolated and can do no further harm, but I want it gone. Be well and take care. - LtCdrLost sends.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/27/2018 10:39 AM


My new favorite word!!!

Atacompleteloss posted 5/1/2018 00:21 AM

Thank you for your service and I am so sorry you had to go through this!!!

Tesoro321 posted 5/4/2018 17:42 PM

First & foremost, thank you for your service.
You certainly didn't deserve this dishonor.

I just spent hours reading this entire thread - and wow, you are my new hero & inspiration.
Thank you.

twisted posted 5/4/2018 22:57 PM

I hope "thank you for service" never get cliche. I sleep better at night knowing men of your character and resolve are standing guard and protecting us.
I could make a wish, the military should have a combat ribbon or something to represent what you have went through. After all, is a battle you've fought. An inconspicuous bar or button, that others would hardly notice but for those that had earned one.
Good luck, Sir. Please check in from time to time.

LtCdrLost posted 5/5/2018 11:03 AM

Hello folks, I have a break today and tomorrow in the syllabus so I think an update is warranted. Nothing whatsoever from the stbxw or her family, which is a great development. I really want it all behind me as soon as I can put it there.
A curtain of sadness and a deep disconsolate feeling has come upon me in the past week, so grabbing an unexpected slot in this training was worth cutting my vacation short. It's not nearly as intense as an actual deployment, but the subject matter and the "course materials" demand 100% of my attention and focus. I know the darkness will lift and when I get back to VaBch next week, there will be 101 administrative tasks & duties to attend to. The period I'm in right now does not afford the luxury of allowing my mind to dwell on the fact that my home life was taken from me without my consent. Am I avoiding facing that truth? Hardly. My truth is that my quarters will be the BOQ for the foreseeable future, not the house I shared with that treacherous woman. I'm now wondering at what point all that became a sham, a mere gossamer of lies & deceit? My marriage naught but a fraud? I'll never know.
I'm handling this somewhat differently I think, than most might. I am literally considering that "A" is dead and I'm accepting the finality of the lost marriage as though I'm a widower, not just a betrayed husband. It's just a tool I'm using to get through what admittedly is a very bad time for me. This curtain of sadness has replaced the anger and the rage I first felt last November, and it has also superceded the cold calculation of gaining confirmation (the PI) and the planning to both end the marriage and burn the OM to the ground. With both those objectives accomplished, now I believe I just have to let time and my all-consuming occupation attenuate the grief & melancholy I feel. That's my plan, in any event. You good people be well and take care. I'll look in here as I'm able, and after my RTB next week I'll try to offer what help I can offer. There are quite a few betrayed's in here who in my judgement need to become decisive and take clear action. If I can help get them there, I will. - LtCdrLost sends.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 3:14 PM, May 5th (Saturday)]

Skan posted 5/5/2018 11:16 AM

In a way, A is dead. The woman that you knew, the marriage that you were in, were killed. There may be someone walking around in the skin-suit that the woman that you thought you married occupied, but it's not that person. So you should mourn. You should mourn what you had, what you thought you had, and the life that you were looking forward to living. That's worth mourning. Grief needs to be acknowledged and expressed, so you can process and then put it behind you. As a wound will abscess and poison you, if not fully cleaned out and taken care of, so will grief.

It's good that you can keep yourself busy, while you're processing. Ultimately, I have no doubt that you will reach indifference, which is IMO the goal.

Cooley2here posted 5/5/2018 11:53 AM

I donít know much actual private time you get or need but you are deep in grief and need that. You took a body blow and as the truth was given to you by a PI you took another one. This is one of those times when grit and determination canít protect you.
You are a guy so this might seem ridiculous to you but.... get ear phones, not buds, shut yourself away and listen to LOOKING AT THE RAIN by Gordon Lightfoot about a million times. I have no idea why that old song gets to me but it is about loss.
Take care.

PricklePatch posted 5/5/2018 12:07 PM

LCL, I know your pretty far along in your opinion of recovery. I also believe that considering the person you knew as dead is a great way to look at it. Donít forget the 5 stages of grief. Your entitled to go through the grief process. Your career or calling is super cool manly man. However keep using the Chaplin to help you.

Just keep in mind, as bat crazy as she is reported to be aka not in realty, prepare yourself for her taking this to trial. Check with the attorney on that.

While you need this training to keep busy, there will be a day when your quiet and itís just to much.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

MidnightRun posted 5/5/2018 14:26 PM

Good to hear from you and, indeed, the sadness will lessen in time.

Keep us posted, and always remember that we are here for you.

Your death metaphor is apt. From my perspective, her ship of deceit was sunk by a torpedo from a Seawolf.

TimelessLoss posted 5/5/2018 14:37 PM


The five stages of grief are a good model for what you'll go through as you process and heal. The thing is that the stages aren't linear. You don't finish one and then go onto the next. You can loop around them in no specific order, feel more than one of them in the same day. Knowing the stages can help you understand what it is you are going through. It gives you a context to understanding.

My concern for you are two of your professional attributes: compartmentalization and discipline. Those attributes, applied to the extreme in this stage of your recovery, could cause you all sorts of mental mayhem down the line. It is good to hear that you are able to write about what you are feeling. Try not to use your professional attributes to stuff this shit way down deep inside you. Don't stuff down your emotions. The good aspect of your discipline will allow you to manage them in a healthy way.

The warning sign for me (that I didn't recognize at the time) was repetitive thoughts that couldn't be turned off. No amount of "keeping busy" worked. I'm not talking about the thoughts taken from a 30K foot view of the adultery or the marriage. So not macro thoughts, but micro thoughts that couldn't be controlled, and did nothing to help process. Occupationally, you have the aforementioned attributes. And, I believe, a fair measure of emotional intelligence and self awareness. So you'll know when you are "off" to the extent that you need to reach out to others for help in processing.

LtCdrLost posted 5/5/2018 15:28 PM

I understand I'm not immune to the emotional waypoints which apply universally to humankind. When my folks passed on one after the other over the past several years I wasn't insulated from that by OODA, some kind of super secret squirrel ninja training, or anything I've been taught over the past nearly 15 years... What I did not do then and I won't do now is allow that to paralyze my thoughts and my mental processes, to impede my ability to act, react, and generally to function at a high level. In my innermost self my heart may be in pieces. But outwardly that is unlikely to be apparent. We have access to mental health professionals beyond the Group chaplain. I've already decided to book some time with one. For reasons which should be obvious, I can't just go through the yellow pages and pick a mental health professional at random.

ZenMumWalking posted 5/5/2018 16:01 PM

I've already decided to book some time with one.

This is an excellent idea, and it speaks to your strength. There is an undeserved stigma associated with this, but these folks are trained specialists and are there for a good reason.

Keep fighting the good fight.

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