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I'm lost and still trying to come to grips with where the past several years have taken me. It's left me beaten and broken....not knowing where to turn for help, but this whole time I've been reluctant to reach out due to the feeling of inadequacy after my wife's second affair.

When we first got married, everything was so ideal. Our friends would joke about "the fairy tale" couple, we got the constant "you guys are so cute together". The family was growing, the careers were expanding, life was falling into perfect synchrony. Then I learned.....

It was four years ago this month. Eight years after we said our vows came the first crash. I noticed things were "different". A different group of friends, a different group of coworker gatherings. The nights of coming home for dinner turned into unspecified errands that had to be run, mysterious phone battery deaths at odd times....just "stuff". She constantly reassured me there was nothing going on, she had simply become friends with new coworkers. She would sit on my lap, look me in the eyes and assure me......then disappear to be with him. It started as texting flirty messages, then escalated to pictures, meet ups, and hook ups. When I finally called her out, it was "my fault", I was the bad guy for snooping....but then the remorse. There were the long nights of sleeping on an air mattress in the basement while she sat on the steps begging me to come to bed. The hours spent in counseling while we tried to repair our marriage. "He" fled the moment I approached him....disappeared into the night begging me not to tell his wife.

The therapy seemed to be positive, the mood changed. There felt like real remorse and regret, a desire to fix what was shattered. I had the broken pieces to try to assemble, but she seems eager to help mend what was fractured.

That was four years ago, and here I sit again. A new job opportunity, new people.....and the entire process starting over. It started with the fun boss that was fighting to rehire her at the company she left last year. His heartfelt plea for her to come back, the promise of a better job and better position. Then I saw the changes starting again....the sudden mysterious nights, the cryptic need to stay late. Then I slipped....I gave in....I peeked at the phone while she napped. There were the messages......the flirtatious banter and innuendos. The "make sure I get a room of my own on the next business trip, I have plans in my head".....the packing impractical lingerie before departing on said business trip.....the apologies to him for not being able to show up at their meeting place because "she had to play single mother for the night" while I was taking a business partner out to dinner.....the holding me while tears roll down my cheeks, promising that she loves me, not knowing that I know about the messages and the lingerie.....the sitting around all night just waiting for that call to see how the day was going...the calls that never came or were never returned while they shared their hotel room on "business trips".

It's left me shattered and torn. I've gone from being the strong-willed self determined master of my domain to the a ball of whimpering glop. I've been left feeling inadequate and helpless, like I've somehow left her down. I know it's her decision, yet I can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong....that somewhere if I had only done "this", it would all be different. I know...it's not my fault, but the pain still sits there eating at the back of my mind. The thought of not seeing my daughter every night terrifies me....not getting her sweet "good night daddy" and kiss on the cheek as part of our nightly ritual, not having every dinner to tell me about every intricate detail of her first grade day....the thought leaves me more scared than the thought of being alone.

I don't know what I'm seeking....perhaps reassurance, perhaps kind words. I just know that I'm confused and disoriented and stuck in a dark place.

I'm sorry you're here, again.

When a BS agrees to reconcile with a WS, it's nothing short of a precious gift. Your WW accepted that gift, wiped her ass with it, and threw it in the toilet - behind your back.

I believe in second chances for WS's if they earn that chance. I don't believe in third chances no matter the feigned remorse. Your wife is now a serial cheater and deserves to lose her marriage. And you deserve better.

Pull yourself together. See an attorney, start the divorce process, and formulate your exit strategy - before you confront her. Then implement the 180 to detach, and put her out your bedroom until the D is final. Your child will be better off understanding there are consequences for cheating, instead of the toxic family environment created by your serial cheating wife.

[This message edited by badmemory at 12:44 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

What you seek is a path? What happened four years ago was called rugsweeping. You were the bad guy because you snooped in her words or investigated in ours.

One of the first things we do is investigate. One of the first demands on WH or WW is transparency.

I am sorry your here. Welcome to the best place you never wanted to be. Please check the healing library link in the yellow box to the left.

Hi lostinstl,

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. It is apparent and coming through the screen. It is just a horrible thing that she has done to you a second time, after you forgave and offered reconciliation. Please start taking care of yourself and continue to be a good father.

Have you confronted your WW yet on this newest Affair? If not then I would suggest you get some things in place before you do. Go see an attorney and understand your rights. My advice would be to Divorce this woman that you has been so disrespectful to you but I'm not living your life. What is your plan here?

My last piece of advice would be to look inside yourself and find some anger. Try to move past the grief that I know you have and get down right pissed off. The anger will help you. I'm not saying get out of control but find your anger for how you've been treated. Get angry for the wasted years, the lies and the deceptions. Get ANGRY for her treating you with such disrespect. I think the anger will improve your self-esteem. You are worth more than you think right now. You are a faithful man with a forgiving heart. That has worth in this world. You shouldn't be treated this way. Get mad about it and then get moving on getting out of this mess.

I am so sorry you are here. Again. You have a serial cheater. You have to detach. Use the 180. You have to protect yourself and your daughter. See an attorney immediately. Report her boss to HR and demand she quit her job. Last time you two swept the affair under a rug. This time you have to go hard. Serve her with divorce papers, demand she get counseling. She has no boundaries. Tell her what you know. Shut down any attempts to blame you for snooping. Tell her bosses wife. Blow this affair up. It is painful and hard but this truly needs to be done. She must face consequences. I would even go back and tell the first wife about the affair. Blow it up.

Hi lostinstl, so sorry you find yourself here. I choked up reading your post. I can hear the devistation in your words. To betray a spouse, get caught, profess her love to you then stick the knife into your back for a second time in 4 years is so cruel. My WW had 2-3 EA's, 1 PA and 1 ONS, over the span of about 15 years (prior to and after M). I found out about everything on one Dday. I can't imagine the pain you are going through.

You are right, this had nothing to do about you, she is a broken woman. Have you confronted her with what you now know? It's easy to say D and don't look back, I felt the same way before Dday. I thought I'd be gone the moment I found my WW had cheated. It's a lot different when you are faced with it, and certainly more difficult when kids are involved.

I don't know if there is any coming back from a second Dday. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to say you are not alone and you did nothing to deserve this.

Hi Lostinstl,

Sorry to see you here. Even worse that it’s the second time. Makes me feel I need to be careful seeking R.

I agree with the others, file. I need to as well. Time to get tough she had her chance. She’s using you.

I still don’t understand how people can live these double lives.

Welcome loststl.

You have received great advice so far. I do have to say that you really need to focus on your and your child's needs. I firmly believe that if a WS doesn't do the work the first time around, they will repeat their actions, and probably a little more willingly, as they know you will be sad, and need reassurance, and whatever else you asked for the first time, but it evidently is worth it to get the thrills, and ego kibbles she is getting in this case.

This statement right here:

Then I slipped....I gave in....I peeked at the phone

Tells me a lot, evidently transparency, and owning your shit, wasn't part of the deal the first time around for her. You feel guilty for recognizing the same changes, and then having to act on them to confirm your wife is not living up to the promises she made.

You should never feel guilty or like the bad guy for looking at your spouses, phone, email, regular mail, bills, etc. A M is a true partnership, and if one person is hiding things, you can bet your ass that they are misbehaving.

It is time for you to figure out what you want.

Right now your choices are a wife that is now a serial cheater, or to walk away with you head held high, showing your daughter what a person should and should not tolerate in a relationship.

See a lawyer.

Get STD Tested

Start planning.

You obviously deserve a lot more than this, but you will not get it, until you demand it, and this particular person may not be able to give it you, as she is clearly broken and unwilling to own her shit, and fix it.

Keep reading, keep posting.

((((And Strength)))

Go Cards!!!!

One time sucks bad enough but now you know she’s a serial cheater and will never change. Part of it might be because she got away with it last time. She lost nothing. Felt no real consequences. People usually don’t make real life changes unless life-altering events have occurred. For a cheater that’s losing their spouse, family, respect of friends and family, etc. That can force a cheater to do real soul searching and get therapy to fix themselves. I think you should have blown the first affair up. Notified the OM’s wife, the job, your and her families, etc. Let some real repercussions fall down on her head while you project strength and an unshakable position of NOT tolerating being treated like this.

Personally I advise you to divorce her. The decision, however, is yours and yours alone. If, however, you do try to stay with her then you have to handle it differently this time. More like what I described. Harsh repercussions. She must see the severity of what she’s done.

Lost

I’m so sorry for you. I think all of us who have R fear your situation.

I think you need to start your plan B.

Not saying to act on it now - but start to get it in place.

Lawyer or mediator.

Counselor for you.

Support team of friends and family and clergy.

Start extracting yourself / read up on the180 here at SI in the Healing library.

Get your own social life. Apart from her. Clubs or hobbies. Church music. Sports. Whatever it is. Do it.

Start getting solo bank and credit card accounts. Cancel all joint credit cards. Tell her to get her own.

In short / tell her she is fired as your wife.

And if you decide to stay - get a post nup. Protect your assets. Have her sign away rights to certain assets as a necessity for R. If you D for any reason those assets are not part of the marital assets.

Extricate yourself from her crushing infidelity. If she cannot or will not change - then you must in order to keep your sanity.

"I can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong..."

Hammer time...Sorry

Yes, you did do something wrong. You played the 'pick-me' game and you like everyone else that plays the game, ended up looking weak and pathetic in her eyes. Look at the text example that you gave. What does it tell you? Her boss let's her know that he's the man and tells her exactly what he expects from her. Something that you aren't doing. You didn't do it the first time either. You never told the OM's wife and you let him and your WW go without consequences. No consequences equals no change in behavior.

If you still want the serial cheater that you're married to, then you need to man-up, stop whining, and get angry. This whole situation is bullsh*t and you know it. It's time to do something about it. It's time for you to lay down the law and to do it in such a way that it scares the holy sh*t out of your cheating WW.

Firstly you have to use stealth to your advantage. Don't reveal until it's the right time to reveal. Gather evidence, see a lawyer and start the divorce paperwork now, and start separating your finances and other accounts. Have her served with divorce papers whether you want to go through with it or not. It will either scare the crap out of her or she'll be forced to decide who she wants to live with. Do not give her the primary residence and do not allow her to take the child. This is your territory; she gave it up when she decided to drop her pants for the OM. Find out if the OM is married and inform his wife simultaneously with your WW being served with papers. Shock and awe is the key. Hit on all fronts at the same time. And read in the Healing Library about the 180 and implement it for your own sanity. Get your head clear and get busy now. Also, if you WW begs to keep things together she must immediately quit her job and stay home with the kid until you decide her future. If she doesn't agree, pack her clothes for her, throw her and her suitcase out the door, and lock it behind her. She needs a take-charge man. Be that man.

Posted in error. Will start own thread.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:18 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

"He" fled the moment I approached him....disappeared into the night begging me not to tell his wife.

I hope you did so, anyway. If not, it's not too late. I hope you do it this time, too. Without any warning to your wife or her affair partners.

Sorry you are here.

Shock and awe usually sets the right conditions for youbto get the outcome you want - wether it be divorce or reconciliation.

If you chose R, again, you will have to make sure she does the work to become a safe partner. The consequences of not doing so should be obvious to you.

Posted reply on wrong post.

[This message edited by NotSureWhereToGo at 1:38 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

I posted my reply on the wrong post- I apologize.

[This message edited by NotSureWhereToGo at 1:37 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

Hello everyone. Thank you much for the comments, the guidance, the care, and the concern. I can put a few things to rest, mainly that despite the sounds of the situation, I don't play nicely with others once the line has been crossed.

In the case of the first OM, I never had to tell to his wife. He resigned without notice the next day, opening a whole host of questions from his wife. My WW was but 1 of 3 people he was seeing at the company....they gladly told his wife for me.

At the time, I built a war machine and prepared for battle. I retained 5 attorneys. Overkill? Perhaps..but I wanted to be prepared for whatever fight may come....the custody expert, the finance/asset expert, the mediator, and the 4th and 5th were just so she wouldn't have access to them. It was through that process that we ultimately settled on the other option...the therapy route. Was it the right decision? Seemed so at the time. Seemed like what was best for the kids, keep the family together, "work out the differences like adults".....

What I learned from all 5 is the part that scares me the most. The County I have to file in is NOTORIOUSLY pro-mother....regardless of the circumstances (short of abuse/drug/criminal implications). The County and State views affairs as a symptom of a troubled marriage...not something that causes a troubled marriage. Right or wrong, that's the warning I got from all 5.

With OM number 2, reaching out to his wife is not an option....there isn't one. That doesn't mean the legal department (and HR department) of the ocmpany aren't receiving pleasant letters outlining the the risk of exposure to various theories of legal liability, including an assortment of EEOC violations and quid pro quo harassment (seeing as he was still "negotiating" her final salary and title with promises he could get her a raise...all while this was going on).

Whimpering glob that's lost and confused...yes. Fair fighter who just rolls over...not so much.

Sorry you're here. Devastating doesn't even begin to describe the feeling.

Blow up her world. Be careful on getting HR involved just yet, you want her to have max earning potential when the financials are calculated during the divorce.

I like your thinking with the 5 attorneys. You are going to be just fine once the sadness stage passes and the anger stage begins.

Fight for nothing less than 50/50 custody. If you lawyer up and file first, you'll be in driver's seat. Most fathers today get 50/50. I did. Seeing your kids half the time is bittersweet. You get a lot of "you time" that most married people with children would kill for. You also use the valuable time with your kids to the max. It all equals out, as your time with them is better quality time. Kids are smart and strong, they adapt fine as long as both parents are amicable and put the children first.

Good luck. Let us know how you deal with this, a lot of people can learn from your tactics.

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 3:54 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

I am sorry you are here.

If it helps, our "example of marriage to others" power couple did not stop my WW.

I too agonize about whether I want to miss out on seeing my kids half of the time. That said, even if it is 40 years from now, the smallest bit of further wayward behavior from my spouse would be the end of the partnership for me.

You are in a terrible situation, try not to beat yourself up about it. I wish you the best with your response.

Caution on outing her by her employer. Yiu want her working so you dont get hit with SS along with CS. I was the top earner at Dday and my attorney said I would ha e to oay not only CS but SS even with a 50/50 custody split.