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I am torn about this. If you destroy this marriage then he will probably just steal someone else’s woman again. In some way you will be partially responsible for that. Just let it go.

If it prevents others from being hurt and abused, then you have done them an enormous service.

Cool but where does it stop? If this woman dumps him, he will find another, that's his thing, there is always another, will the OP "research her or send her another envelope?

What others have failed to realize is that you have only just researched about him within the last month, after being informed by others. Not watching his actions for the last 25 yrs.

Because a whole 30 days is not a significant amount of time for "research"

The essence here is your desire to prevent someone being hurt.

Again, this AP seems to rack up his women. He's a walking disaster on his 6th marriage..I take it at least four of those marriages fell apart without the OP's help right? Meaning these women came to the realization that this guy is a loser? What's the limit on prevention of stopping people being hurt seeing as at least four of these women naturally came to that conclusion?

I don't really have any problem with what you plan to do. So she might "blame the messenger." She will still get the truth and I doubt she has it. After all why else would he LIE on the marriage certificate about how many previous marriages.

And another thing, isn't that illegal? I would look into that and report it to the proper authorities. I don't know that it would make his current M invalid but it still seems like a crime of some sort and for that the should definitely face consequences.

If it were me, that is what I would try first, to get him in trouble for lying.

I still don't have a problem with you delivering the news to her. I probably would not do it person but do it however you wish.

It has been 12 years since my H's A and while I don't spend too much time trying to dig up more dirt about the whore, if I knew she did anything terrible or questionable (like getting married multiple times but lying about it) I would most certainly find a way to get that information to whomever was being deceived.

If you destroy this marriage then he will probably just steal someone else’s woman again. In some way you will be partially responsible for that. Just let it go.

No. If the marriage is destroyed over this, it is the man's own fault for lying. I doubt being married or not married makes much difference to the OM; he is just likely to "steal someone else's woman" again either way. To say that the "messenger" is in some way responsible for any of this is not right.

Thank you all for the responses...and I understand both directions...support and comdenation.

Perhaps I was Plan B..but if one understands a true compulsive lying sociopath...if they are truly good...their prey NEVER are aware of the truth. I know the value in my wife even if WW. Our marriage had value...she to this day can not believe she fell into the trap..the sister...her best friend at the time provided much false varification. She often tells me that 'I saved her'...when I discovered who it was she was with...I knew his background from my 1st wife in 1975..if our marriage was ending..I could NOT let her walk off that plank of lies. We have had 24 years of strong relationship..she weakened in 1994..whatever was missing...is missing no longer.

My friend told me around Thanksgiving the time of his retirement party about OP's recent marriage. In March when I paid the auto and property taxes I went to the marriage record vault to see if the marriage was recorded in our county...found the 6th in oct 2017...looked backward...found no5 in 2000...then backward to 1988 and found no4...which I knew existed back in 1994...but then I had only talked to wife no4...never searched for marriage records.

The circuit court records did not record the divorce of the 2000 marriage..likely another county. I placed a request with the state office of the courts for divorce records...only received that information in late April..4 of 5 divorces in my state. Divorce no 1 likely in another state. Records indicated garnishment, orders to return personal property, permanent protective restraining order, auto title manipulation (attempt to steal spouses auto in divorce-two divorces), federal tax confiscation of house sale proceeds in divorce no5, auto loan collection judgments-divorce no3.

In 1994 wife no2 attended church with me...when I discovered who OM was I talked with wife no2...in about 45 min she told me much info and gave me the name of wife 1 and 3. I called them..they gave me permission for my WW to contact them..wife no3 lead me to wife no4...she actually contacted my WW in 94. I assembled all the 1994 dossier over a 3hr period...those phone numbers are land lines...likely not active today.

Other than 3hours of research in 1994, two 1hr trips to county record vault and waiting 5 weeks for divorce records from state courts office..I have no vested time in OP.

When I discovered the erroneous information on the marriage license about previous marriages I discussed that with the clerk..she indicated there is no statute governing truth of information other than blood family relationship...no brother/sister/1st cousin....she said probably 50% have lied about number of previous marriages...that is a domestic issue I suppose.

Wife no 6 divorced 1st husband in 2010...received some sort of medical judgment in 2011 court case. OM with his track record...early marriages averaged about 45 months...marriage no 5 was about 6yrs..long separation till final divorce...at 68 will milk no6 (she is only 53) until the settlement evaporates or he succumbs.

I view it a bit like a stranger becomes involved with a pedophile..should they know...not know?

I'm not a lawyer, but writing in "1" for previous marriages is likely fraud. I've read that marriage licenses can be invalidated based on that. I don't know whether the repeated fraud could become an even bigger issue (e.g. with a district attorney, for example) as this OM seems to be trying to scam everyone he can in about every way he can.

IMO, I understand why you have your eye on the OM given that he seems to escape justice repeatedly. Personally, I'd gently and empathetically deliver the news to his wife as she needs to know that she should protect herself as the OM's actions could end up impacting her health or financial well being. The invalidation of the marriage license might be something that she could use in her favor to avoid losing any of her assets or being saddled with responsibility for any of the OM's debt. Depending on her reaction and direction, I might also check in with law enforcement to see if there would be any interest in taking steps to enact some legal consequences for this repeated scammer.

It is nothing even in the the farthest stretch anything close to anything like a pedophile disclosure.

My posts are not condemnation of your choice to do this, it is more head shaking willingnesses to put you and your wife at unnecessary risk from a man you really do not know at all and the potential for his very life disturbing reaction. That risk is real and seems to be not of a serious concern.

I'm wondering why the OM is taking up so much of your energy?

I'm in the camp of "I wish someone had told me..." regarding xWW and xWGF and, for this woman, you're in the position of "someone." So, neither condemnation nor suggestions. I also understand how you haven't really invested much time in this. Public records in a lot of places are online documents, so even a trip to the County Seat isn't necessary.

One thing that you said sticks out, though:

she weakened in 1994..whatever was missing...is missing no longer

You do understand that whatever was missing was missing in her character, right? She had other, honorable, options that didn't involve an A and betrayal. She could have insisted on counseling. If that failed, she could have gone all "shock and awe" by moving out or filing for D. Instead, she chose to have an A.

In closing, I do support you gently informing his current wife about the reality of him. Too few people are willing to get involved these days. I hope that the blowback, of there is any, is very small.

I could be 100 percent wrong, but I will forge ahead with my theory anyway. Is part of your interest in this man’s life long pursuit of laying waste to 6 women’s lives about your own need to know more when a puzzle presents itself? I’m like that. I need to know the full,picture when I have only pieces and enough do those pieces are sufficiently intriguing enough. To me, that doesn’t make you obsessed with him so much as wanting to know the full picture about someone who impacted your lives so negatively. In all likelihood, after finding out the “more”, you are (or it seems to me) naturally offended by his cavalier and self entitled actions toward these women.

If that is truly the case, follow through and make sure number 6 knows what she is dealing with. There is no perfect method for that though. Use the circumstances that you have to work with.

Do it anonymously by asking a third party to approach her.

Choose your times carefully. Don’t give her (or by proxy, him) any information that would allow him to connect the dots that lead back to you or your wife.

Hell, she has to go to Walmart sometime. If she is alone, stick the package under her wiper blade. If she doesn’t know you or what you look like, walk by her and place it in her cart with her name on it.

Mail it to her workplace.

Stick it in her mailbox AND mail it to her workplace.

Mail it anonymously to her neighbor with a note explaining and ask them to pass it on to her at the right time for her benefit.

If she attends church, mail it to her pastor.

Some of those suggestions may seem extreme. If you truly are interested in helping this woman, all of them will likely fit the criteria of “better she know than not no” even if the delivery method isn’t elegant.

One last thing: even if your deep intentions aren’t perfectly altruistic, that still doesn’t mean that informing her isn’t the right thing to do. It just means that you need to be perfectly honest with yourself about your motivation. Don’t lie to yourself about that. In everything you do though, protect your anonymity. Protect your wife. Protect your marriage. Be the guy who thinks 6 moves ahead.

He is a con man. He has committed fraud. Would the woman have been in a relationship with him if she knew the truth? We should not be willing to stand by and allow crime to be perpetrated. Who among you would not want to know the truth and what they were exposing themselves to based on lies and manipulation. If you were going to make a financial investment would you not want to know that it is a fraud before you lost your investment? Would you not want someone to inform you that the investment was a fraud or nothing more than a Ponzi scheme? It is much more important in a marriage. Tell the lady. Whatever she does with the information is up to her. At least now she will have the truth in order to make her own decisions based on fact.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 12:04 PM, May 6th (Sunday)]

I don't think your 'motivation' matters one jot OP.

If i was unwittingly wife no.6 to a man i thought a one-time divorcee....

Heck, i'd want to know the details.

I can't quite believe some of the condemnatory responses ylu've received here. (questioning the veracity of your 'motives'?..... what pedantic bollocks)

Wife no.6 deserves to know that she's actually NOT wife no.2.

Providing a bit of history and the opportunity to contact wives 1 through 5 sounds absolutely pertinent.

If she already knows.... then so what?

Shw's a braver (and more optomistic?) woman than most

Ok.

I agree with the suggestions to CYA and attempt anonymity.

Good for you.

MOB

I’m with MOB. Your motivation only matters to you and my 2 cents, which are probably worth a half penny here are that you’d be doing someone a kindness.

nlwsrw,

I'm supporting telling her of his past. Are there any other ways to accomplish this other than the handoff in the yard? Does she have family in the area? Are there any mutual friends of a friend?

nlw

I get it. I’d want to warn any woman who falls for what your fWW fell for. Do it carefully. You don’t want him back in your life. Try to keep you and your W anonymous.

The new wife can then decide what she wants to do with it, if anything. At that point you will have done your job.

You say this all was rug swept for 20 years. You also say your wife was grateful you “saved” her.

I was wondering. Is she also remorseful for the pain she’s caused you over these decades? Is she ashamed for what she did. How has she tried to “make this up” to you, especially the last few years when you stopped rug sweeping?

Thanks and take care.

I'm in the camp of "tell them all."

He may be cheating on the 6th wife already. She deserves to know his lies and to determine her own future based on facts. May be she will watch him closer, or put together clues that he is already cheating.

I notified the BS of a cheater anonymously by sending a letter to the BS's work while I was out of town so even the postmark was not traceable to me. It worked.

She needs to know so she can get out with all of her money and none of his debt. Perhaps she can get an annulment based on his lying on the marriage license.

but if one understands a true compulsive lying sociopath...if they are truly good...their prey NEVER are aware of the truth. I know the value in my wife even if WW. Our marriage had value...she to this day can not believe she fell into the trap..the sister...her best friend at the time provided much false varification. She often tells me that 'I saved her'

If suppose your wife's OM wasn't a sociopath, where does the excuse lie? Will you blame your wife for cheating or will you still blame it only on the OM?

IMHO you are focusing your anger on the OM alone by trying to paint him as the only antagonist in all this. Perhaps you are doing this because you don't want to accept the fact that your wife is as bad as the OM himself. And in focusing that anger on the OM, you are being actually acting obsessive towards OM's life.

There is some underlying issue here and you seriously need to address this. However much you have truly reconciled with your wife you must re-open the can of worms and accept that she too had a great part to play in the affair even though she was lured into a trap. She did stray, didn't she? Focusing your anger only on the OM is not going to end well. Btw, did you talk to your wife about the current situation? What does she think of your obsession with the OM?

[This message edited by hadji at 3:31 PM, May 6th (Sunday)]

I’m sorry, but this is not healthy.

You have spent time researching marriage licenses and divorce decrees for a man that your wife had an affair with 24 years ago.

And, since you’ve said past wives had agreed to have you forward their numbers, you’ve also been tracking down his past wives to talk to them.

You believe it’s your duty to save a 53 year old woman from a choice she made to marry this man?

You know nothing about what she knows or doesn’t know. She’s a grown woman.

Go spend some quality time with the wife you have fully reconciled with and leave this man, and all his wives, alone.

Deep down I feel that you realise that your wife has gotten off with little or no consequences for what she DID to you. Yes! your words depict a man unwilling to admit the shameful fact that she was every part, if not more guilty that OM for cheating. She did say "yes" to him after all while you were still married. I think subconsciously you know that.

As for wanting to out the POS. I say go for it.. but do it anonymously as others have suggested. You really dont want this coming back to you

Clarification for the analysts;

WW PROFILE

Together 42 years...married 29...1st/only marriage..no children. WW had 2 month PA jan/Mar 94...with brother of her coworker best friend. WW admits/fully understands it was her choice..does NOT blame shift to me, marriage, OM, sister/friend. Joint mistake in 94 was 'rug-sweeping'..I/we accept responsibility of the poor judgement at that time. Her IC after 3 yrs of treatment tells me 'middle child syndrome' plays a part in her need for reassurance and afframation requirement...so I provide special attention to the small details..opening cardoor, cards on nonspecific days, occasional arm around her wile standing in concession line at grandaughter's ball games, listen without advice or overspeaking, appearance compliments...get the idea. WW in the past 24 years is remorseful, appologetic, is attentive to me during affair season..mindful of Ddays..observes my silent withdrawal moods/asks if she can help me resolve the flashbacks..messages me her whereabouts..fully accepts her role in that era.

BH PROFILE

1st marriage high school GF.. together 16 yrs...married 8..1 daughter age=48.. divorce resulting from young marriage 19/21..changing/maturing differently..divorced 14 years...met WW year after divorce..13 yr courtship without co-habitation..both were career building..WW did NOT have the biological ticking clock. In 1993/94 my company(I owned it) embarked on an 8 month 65hr/wk project production schedule..it left her with a lot of free time with her coworker/friend to go to antique auctions...sister/coworker invited her boyfriend, another girlfriend and her brothef..the sister/brother had a plan..WW fell into the trap..she admits it was her choice only..not forced..could have discussed her attraction with me..she could have decided to avoid the outings...she did not.

I was totally trusting of her outings..to exhausted to notice the changes until she was absorbed. Luckily OM was a sociopath..total POS..and I CHOSE to rescue her if possible...my CHOICE. I accepted the 'rugsweeping' in 94...let WW off the hook.

In 2014 the 20th anniversary the whole AFFAIR desended on me...I suffer 'seasonal affective disorder' that also overlays with the 'affair season'..under clinical psychiatrist and bupropion nov/march. WW and I KNOW the mistake was not confronting in 1994...SO THAT WAS OUR DECISION..WE KNOW THE DAMAGE AFFAIRS CAUSE..and are working thru the personal issues and individual weaknesses.

SO I understand the impact of damage SOCIOPATHIC behavior can cause..WW cries when I cry..she sees the damage..but she can not undo the past...I realize that also...WW prefers that I not transmit the dossier to Donna...but leaves the decision to me...she totally understands that OM is still operating in his damaging mode...she also accepts that Donna likely is on a 'road to ruin'...

[This message edited by nlwsrw at 6:41 AM, May 7th (Monday)]