SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The wedding is officially called off - vendors have been notified.

I also told her the engagement is also off. I have the ring.

Still not sure what I want to do with the long term here. I've gotten some referrals for individual counseling from the lmft we saw last night, so I'll be calling them this afternoon.

I spoke to her mom and she was actually very supportive and understanding of my decision. Did not try to convince me to stay - which is what I knew would happen. I just wanted someone to talk to who I knew would not judge me no matter what I choose to do in the long term.

Is this the end? I really hope not. But I am prepared for it to be.

[This message edited by wocket at 4:19 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

Dating 3 years and engaged several months ago.

At this stage of your relationship, you should still be deep in the romance phase of it all.

I don't know your fiance but to be engaged with a wedding a few months away and still be able to have spontaneous sex with someone else is very disturbing.

Make no mistake - being drunk is absolutely NO excuse whatsoever for what she did.

Again, alcohol had ZERO to do with why she had sex with some guy suddenly.

DO NOT accept being drunk as a factor in her infidelity.

For if you do, it WILL be used again as an excuse in the future.

Her reasons for doing what she did existed within her long before you ever met her - and still exist within her.

The reasons don't magically appear nor do they magically disappear.

I am in the camp that would suggest ending this relationship for various reasons but one of them is that this will haunt you for a very long, long time.

You might be able to trust her, but you will trust with fear.

Several years from now, when there are children, bills, typical marital issues, as well as the romance phase having waned, how will she handle that?

I've come to realize that you really can't predict if someone you are in a relationship with is going to remain faithful or not.

It is literally a roll of the dice.

But, when you have already seen it, even before committing yourself legally to this person, would you want to roll the dice again with this person?

Should you decide to take the chance and give her benefit of her remorse, I hope she is one of the extremely rare ones that actually has learned something profound and never does this again.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 4:25 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

You're doing GREAT wocket. I hope that you are able to find a way to separate while you figure out how you want to move forward.

Wocket,

I'm sorry man. You got dealt a really bad hand. I'm glad you took those first steps and you found someone you could share this with.

Keep taking care of yourself.

I'm sorry for how this hurts. I understand, I truly do. Every hope, dream, and aspiration I had for life with my stbxw died when she made the decision to spread her legs for another man. I'm walking the same road as you right now, the difference being that I have to actually divorce a faithless wife. I'll drop you a PM, you can respond if you like.(PM originating privileges will come to you after 50 posts)

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 10:04 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

Wocket,

I am so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did.

My heart is so sad for you.

If you will indulge me I would like to tell you what your life MAY look like down the road:

I have never really spoken my true life here, even tho I read almost every day, but if it can give you a glimpse into what your future could be then it will be worth it.

My H and I met in HS. He cheated on me at his graduation, told me right away. I was hurt, but being young (and stupid) I moved on. He left for a job for 6 months and cheated on me almost the whole time, which I did not find out about until his buddies ratted him out. This time I didn't take him back quite so easily, but obviously eventually I did.

Ten years into our M he had questionable behavior with a very aggressive neighbor, but having 3 young kids I moved on.

Ten years later he was ready to jump in with a bar fly, who was also our "friend". This one didn't go over quite as smoothly as he wanted. It also brought his past actions to the forefront of my mind constantly for quite a while.

Yep, you guessed it! Tennish years later he searched for the 6 month bitchface, during a very very bad time for us. 35 f'n years later! He had a 3 yr LTEA! (she didn't live close by). This one still is very present in my mind, heart and life ten years later.

Here I am, in my 5th decade with him, and I am getting ready to pull the plug. Why, you ask? Because just recently he was getting ready to go down the slippery slope AGAIN!!! and my heart just cannot take it anymore.

You see, he never really did the really hard work, and I never knew that I should have made him! I did not have the benefit of SI, internet or anything that we have today.

And so, long story long, if YOU do not give yourself all the time YOU need to work thru this shitstorm you will ALWAYS, and I mean always have this rear up it's very nasty head every time there's a suspicion.

I may be old, but I have finally learned (thanks to SI) that I deserve so much more than he gives me, and that someone else WILL value me for ME! Value yourself, wocket. You deserve it.

Please don't end up like me. You have a chance to live your future life without this crap in it, and I wish you that more than I can say.

Sending you strength and many hugs (((wocket)))

My heart goes out to you Wocket, but you made the right decision.

Wocket, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I'm glad you're looking for a therapist. If you're in a big enough area, I suggest you find a CSAT for you. Your fiancée has some major underlying issues she will HAVE to address. A CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) is trained in sex traumas and I'm not sure you know yet, but you have suffered a trauma. My CSAT saved my life.

When I first came here, people kept saying "no contact equals no new hurts" and urged me to cut contact at least for a few weeks to get my feet under me. I didn't do that and it's my biggest regret from my recovery. When I finally took time away from the source of my pain, it was a huge weight lifted. It didn't lessen the sadness at first, but the anxiety went way down. If you can do this, please do.

The posters here are telling you things you don't want to hear. Trust me, I know. But they are your biggest supporters and rarely hold back the truth because it's what's best for you.. Someday you will look back on this and be thankful you listened to them or you will return months or years from now with your new trauma. The men on this forum are offering you a chance to avoid their pain. But in the end it is your decision. Either way, keep coming and posting, no matter what you decide.

You haven't said much about the flack you are getting from your chick.

You mentioned she was remorseful.

We have heard it all so please share the behavior and actions you see from your chick.

Ya you may not know what to do, but she may have made the choice for you by being even more distant/unavailable.

In short were is she at in all this mess of her own doing?

I mean if she is still seeing the OM...then has the choice on what you do already made?

If you could investigate what she is doing and talking to... wouldn't it help in your decision process?

Sure it sucks big time to snoop, but lets face it you are trying to protect your self from more emotional torture and preventing additional betrayal.

You struggle but haven't taken the steps to see how far down the rabbit hole your chick has gone with her betrayal?

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 6:20 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

Her transparency will be a good indicator on what you need to do.

There are red flags you need to be aware of so you can make the best educated choice in how you deal with her from here on out.

Is this the end? I really hope not. But I am prepared for it to be.

If you're lucky it will be.

You aren't thinking clearly at this time.

If she was anything to you at the point of getting married this would have never even crossed her mind.

You are extremely lucky and don't know it

I am so sorry for your pain.

You have gotten wonderful advice and I wish you nothing but the best.

I too feel in my opinion that calling off the wedding is a good thing. Maybe you should see a IC to help you process your grief and shock.

Good luck!

wocket,

Your Dday was three days ago. In the last two days you've:

1. Called off the wedding

2. Ended the engagement

3. Got the engagement ring back

4. Saw a family therapist

5. Got referrals to IC's

6. Talked to her mother

Infidelity can overwhelm and define the rest of your life. It doesn't have to though. How you handle the betrayal is much more defining. You didn't cause the betrayal so it has no place in defining who you are.

You now have time to decide what you'll write into the next chapters of your life.

Well played wocket, well played.

Good job taking control. This is not a way to start a life together. Does not seem you are getting too much resistance in ending everything.

This is such a no-brainer for anyone here that has been cheated on, but we haven’t asked about her yet.

What are your interactions with her like? Is she still living with you? Has she moved out? What is she saying? What is she doing? How is she behaving?

If I had known 5 months before my marriage instead of 19 years and 3 kids later, that I was marrying a cheater, I would consider it a blessing. The engagement is the test run and your test run has shown you a lot ! Because of our three kids, I was too quick to offer R and I was rewarded with 2 months of false R. Since you haven't the entanglements of a long term marriage with kids, take as much time and space to sort it out even if you have to sell the house to do it.

Wocket:

I am very sorry for all that has happened to,you in the last 36 hours. You must truly be in shock. But if I am understanding everything correctly you met your fiancé OLD three years ago and began dating, fell in love, and got engaged 6-8 months ago with a wedding that was planned 5 months hence. You describe her as smart, caring and hard working. You bought real estate together and are now living together. You have not indicated you had any forewarning or suspicions of infidelity up to this point.

Then out of the blue on Saturday night while you two are out socializing with friends she excuses herself to go see two guys she new from undergrad and she intends to get back, but never does. You wake up at 4:30am and she is there and when you ask her what’s up she confesses to a drunken ONS with one of the guys and she is really remorseful. You have never heard of these guys before. Just a couple of dudes she new from her undergrad Psych Class 301 who happened to be in town and got in touch and she has sex with one of them? The guy is not an old flame? Not an old BF? Just some guy?

And this smart, caring, hard working young woman who is marrying the man of her dreams in five months and who has never stepped out before just needed to have sex with this guy?

The wedding is off and the engagement cancelled. You have your ring back. Your fiance’s family is just fine with cancelling everything.

The thing I am having trouble reconciling is that your fiance’s Actions seem to come out of left field, totally out of character as far as we know based on the limited knowledge we have of your relationship. But I trust you would say so if you thought this had happened before. Was this meeting with these guys prearranged? Or did they just call and say : “hey were in town let’s meet up”. How is your fiancé reacting now that her future with you has been put in doubt? Has your fiancé had previous issues maintains boundaries while drinking?

If I was a cynic and I was trying to advise a female friend of the best way to get out of an engagement she didn’t want to be in any longer, the scenario your fiancé has given you would be one way to do it. And that may be very unfair of me to think that way since I obviously know very little about her. But so much of her story does not add up and is so bizarre based on the picture of her you have painted, that these types of questions will arise.

In these situations I always feel it is best to take your time and sort through the facts and her reactions and answers to your questions before making any final decisions on your relationship. You seem like a level headed guy and I am sure in the end you will make the right decision for you. Good luck.

You have been given sound advice in almost all of the previous posts. Do not discount it. These people have lived through the horror and pain of infidelity and know what they are talking about. Trust them ... it will save you a lifetime of grief and pain.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

((((HUGS)))

I know you're in pain wocket but I'm glad that you mustered the courage to call it off and get your ring back. Whatever you decide in the end, the folks here will support you. I will say that, knowing what I do today, if my fiance' cheated on me before the wedding, I'd find someone else. Commitment, trust, and honesty are the most important ingredients to a healthy relationship. If even one of those is questionable, the future of the relationship is toast. Take care of yourself.