SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Run dude run.

She has shown her true colors. Find a woman with morals that will not put herself in situations that will allow things to happen like this.

Find another girl.

If you marry her, she'll always know your ok with her sharing herself with another man while being with you. She will think he took me back before and he will do it again.

aawww wocket, I am so very sorry that you are here. You have done nothing to deserve this.

Every single person responding to your thread has been exactly in the position you are now - betrayed by their fiancée/spouse. Perhaps some of the details are not identical in every case but we have all been you.

You don't have to decide anything right now about your longer term future. It is great that you have postponed/canceled the wedding you have planned. Now you have no pressure from an artificial deadline hanging over your head.

Even though you don't necessarily need the ring back for material reasons, I agree with taking it back for symbolic reasons. After all, the only purpose of having a ring in the first place is as a symbol. Think it over.

You say you've recently bought a house together. There are a few possibilities for dealing with that while you are figuring out what you want. One is to put the house on the market right away, sell it and cut your losses (and I would be in favor of your WF - wayward fiancée being the only one to take a loss on this). Another would be to rent it out while you two separate. Yet another would be for you to stay in the house and her to move out.

I think that it will be better for your healing and clear thinking for you to separate for some time. Not just physically separate, but stop communicating with her. I think that can help you to gain a clearer insight into your feelings without interruption or pressure from her.

You are hearing most of the posters here saying RUN. Why is that? Because we have lived through our situations, and we have seen many situations other than our own. This gives us a perspective that you are probably too early into this to have.

I can't think of anyone here who would NOT have preferred to see that the person they planned to spend the rest of their life with, to create a family with, was capable of such heart-breaking cruelty BEFORE they became even more entangled relationship-wise, legally, financially, etc. Now that you see what she is capable of, if you do get married and she does do it again then you will not only have a more complicated situation to disentangle yourself from, but you will also be kicking your own ass for not listening when she already showed you who she was.

It is pointless to talk to WF's mom, her mom is only looking out for her daughter and not for you.

You have been given a gift, the gift of a vision of the future. Think hard before agreeing to settle for this. Very hard.

Now take care of yourself: drink water, eat healthy food (if you can eat), try to get some sleep, get a little exercise if you can. If you can call to get off work for a few more days, I think that would also be a good idea. If not, the alternative is going in and putting the best face on that you can.

Keep posting, it helps. Sending you strength.

((((wocket)))) <---- hugs to you

Here's an excercise: Imagine yourself taking sacred vows with her--before all the world. Would you feel fully comfortable?

Worket, I am so sorry for what happened to you. What your cheating fiancée did sounded premeditated. She showed you before your wedding that she cannot be trusted.

Good for you for calling off the wedding. You need time for yourself to heal. You are under the throes of betrayal trauma and it hurts. And it’s gonna hurt for a long time.

Don’t give in to the Sunk Cost Trap here. Just because you emotionally invested in her for however long your relationship was before DDay, does not mean you have to pour more of your soul into the relationship. You are not married, you don’t have kids, and you don’t have vows to bind you. You have the freedom still to move forward with your life unencumbered by such an albatross of betrayal on your wedding day and married life.

Start fresh. You will eventually find that special someone who will pass the engagement test without fail and who will truly love you in all the ways you should be loved.

Good luck!!!

Someone who has been in my position but stayed Believe it or not, the best person I can think of is her mom.

Advice from the mother of your cheating Fiancee is not a good & unbias choice. Dude your MIL was most likely M to the WS and with kids, as such decisions are more difficult for a lot of BS. You on the other hand are not M. have no kids & would only be req'd to split shared assets. Then you could go and find a partner with some integrity & she can continue on with her penis testing odyssey.

Hey wocket,

Like so many here I am really sorry you have this painful mess to deal with now and while I could offer an opinion based on my own life, I'd like to find out is where you are in the discovery process.

Most importantly, has she offered any clues as to WHY she did this?

-- "I don't know" is a clue, and it's a bad one. It shows she knows and is covering up (not ready to be monogamous, or did drugs or whatever she can't/doesn't do with you and did what came naturally after that, or etc) or she doesn't know and therefore is just as likely to do it after a wedding as before.

-- "I was drunk/on drugs and just got horny and did something I'd done before with this person (or persons). This is slightly better since at least she is open about how she put herself in the position. You need to discover how much a part of her psyche this behavior is, how ingrained it was at any point in the past, to figure out if it is something she can eliminate before you get married.

-- Could try to list more but you know both your "fiance for now" and yourself way better than us and can list more possibilities.

I think you can find your best path for your own happiness if you get more information.

Then get some distance as best you can. In my case I drove up to Lake Tahoe from Bay Area, a place I had been very very rarely, and sat on a bench looking at the lake, no friends, just what I had learned and my thoughts on what I wanted in life. I came down from the mountains with clarity and purpose.

Best wishes and let us know whenever you need someone to listen.

Man, I understand wanting to stay with her. You love her. But consider this. You would be starting your relationship with her (if you marry her) with issues of infidelity. You will have triggers and mind movies years to come. You will have anger and sadness from this affair. You will have to deal with an emotional rollercoaster. There will be times you will love her and there will be times you will resent her because of the affair.

She will have to be willing to accept all of this. Be remorseful, answer all questions at any time, deal with her own sadness, shame, and regret for the affair. Both of you will need to go to therapy to help recover from this and then reconcile, if possible. You will be doing all of this, going through all of this at the beginning of your marriage! Is that what you want? I am one to promote reconciliation if you have a truly remorseful spouse who is doing the work to fix herself and work to show you that you are #1 and she loves you. But when you are not married yet, infidelity is one thing that you should not have to deal with at all.

Marry her and you're in for this again.

You don't know that

Of course I cannot factually know that, but in my view as a cheated on husband, I'd have given much for such clarity into the low character of my stbxw. Past behavior is a fairly reliable indicator of future behavior. I pose a fair question, House: If your wife had cheated on you during your engagement, and knowing what you know now, would you have proceeded with the marriage? I most certainly would not have, and helping Wocket not find himself a few years down the line burning with regret is my sole aim. As you yourself mentioned, there are 100 Million women who will be faithful. I wish I had married one, I hope Wocket realizes that reality for himself.

I will make the argument for why you should run from this wedding. My STBX's brother had an EA with someone BEFORE he married his current wife. She thought they were together for so long, that she must love him, and she wanted to get back with him so very much. So they went to several couples counselors, and did their best to work it out. They got pregnant shortly after they got back together, then had a shotgun wedding. Now I don't know if he cheated on her since, but I can say that he often expressed to my STBX how unhappy he is, and that he had constantly encouraged my STBX to continue with his affair because it is what makes him happy. Then when I had talked to him about the affair, he blamed me for this marriage breakdown and affair. This shows that he never really learned from his EA (if that is indeed where it stayed, once again, I'm not entirely sure of that).

While this is only one story, the fact that he had an emotional affair, and then encouraged his brother's continued affair, I would highly recommend that you do not waste your time marrying this person. Knowing what I know now, I would not marry my husband. Nothing that happened during this marriage to him (we do not have children together, and that's a whole other drama that I had to get over as well), I would definitely not marry him. BTW, he thinks our marriage was wonderful until he felt dissatisfied and decided he found his soulmate (he claims he never felt this way about me, but his old love letters prove otherwise).

It sounds like you were given a special gift. You are very young, and can make something new with someone else. I wasted 6 years of marriage with this man, and now I have to deal with being 6 years older than the rest of the dating pool.

Meditate on it. I'll say what I've always said to anyone who is wondering if they want to settle down with another person (at all -- not even talking about with major issues). When you think of your relationship, don't think of all the good things, because those brought you together in the first place, and of course they seem great. Think of all the bad things, and can you live with that? Don't expect them to change or go away. Really think if you can live with the bad things. Then make your decision based on that.

If you weren’t engaged, if you were just dating..... would you propose knowing this now?

You’re not so far into this that you can’t fix it.

Run. Save yourself.

Break up with her Wocket. She is not relationship material. Chances are she enjoys you for the comfort and stability you bring her life, but she still yearns for sex with other men.

LCL, I've known of a lot of one-time affairs where the cheater has been essentially scalded by their own actions. I've of course known of a lot of repeat offenders too. We just don't know which of the two his fiance is. Honesty demands recognizing this.

But I'm advocating moving on too. Just for a slightly different reason.

Her mother isn't really an unbiased person to go to for advice.

And don't think for a minute that her having sex with him wasn't pre-planned.

House, I won't pose this question a third time, but I'd like to ask you one further time. If your then-fiance had cheated on you during the engagement, with the knowledge you now possess, would you have went ahead with the marriage?

The analogy I read earlier of the car which blows an engine on the test drive, while coarse, seems apt. Is NRE ever higher than during the workups to the wedding? And yet she strayed...

((Wocket))

I am really sorry you are going through this. You are bound to get a lot of advice from people that did not have the same choices you do. A lot of choose R (at first) not because we wanted to, but it was made for much more practical reasons. As such we can't help but tell you to run.

So in the interest of full disclousre . . . my fiancee cheated on me when we were engaged. I called off the arrangement and it was the beginning of the end of that relationship. It was the right move for me at that time of my life. No regrets there.

So I found another woman, got engaged, got M, had kids, built a life together and she cheated too. However the life I had at the time was too intertwined with her to leave without extending the damage of her choices to me and my children.

While I stayed for my kids at first, that is not why I stay today.

The question you have to ask yourself if she fixed whatever was broken inside of her that allowed her to cheat would you still want a life together ?

I can say that my W did that hard work and looked really hard inside and was able to realize what her issues were. She changed and I feel safe again. At least from infidelity. If she cheats again there is no chance I would stay. She has zero "wiggle room," when it comes to infidelity. No regrets, so far there either.

The most important thing I want to state to you is that her choices are hers and reflects on her. Not on you. You don't own any part of her choice. Yes it was a choice, not an accident, a mistake or was too drunk to know better. She has to own that 100%. She also has to find why she thought it was ok to make that choice ? So not matter what direction you choose you will be OK. It doesn't get said enough, but you will be OK. Your life might look different that you envisioned, but that is part of, "adulting." The life I have today looks very different the way I envisioned it in my youth. Different, not worse. Big difference there.

Now objectively stating a couple of relevant things.

Cancelling the wedding is the smart play. It gives you time to make a decision. Don't rush that decision. Take all the time you need. In that time you will see actions on your fiancees part that will give you more data to make a more informed decision.

I have to point out that it is well documented that children of cheaters are much more likely to become cheaters themselves. She can fix that, but it takes a level of work with a therapist she might not be able to make. She needs therapy as much as you do. Her maturity and ability to objectively look at herself critically is key there.

Whatever you decide. This does not mean your life is over. Your life can be great based on your actions and choices. Who you are M or engaged to is less important that figuring out what makes your life the most fulfilled.

It is pointless to talk to WF's mom, her mom is only looking out for her daughter and not for you.

Yeah - this. All you will hear is that it was a "mistake" and how much her daughter "loves" you and that she's "learned her lesson". Note this and see if I missed anything.

Look, what else do you expect? No mother is going to toss her daughter under the bus - especially regarding marriage. You need someone with experience - yes - but find a professional who deals with this all the time. If you tell them you want to just forgive and move past this they will help you rugsweep it and focus on getting you married to her. Or you can tell them that you are torn and you need help deciding how to deal with this important, traumatic event and take a solid path toward healing. They are there to help you reach your goal so try not to have a prejudice viewpoint of that goal.

I know you are still reeling from the emotional shock of all this - really I do. Been there, done that just like all the other BH's here on SI. Our knowledge and advice should carry tremendous weight with you due to our combined experiences. You've canceled the wedding, and that's an excellent start. Now find a counselor FOR YOU and begin avoiding all contact with her for at least a few weeks. Let you mind quiet down while you continue to educate yourself. As has been pointed out over and over again, the engagement period is a test of the relationship and she failed. Big time. She did the worst thing possible and cheated on the man she supposedly loves and wants to spend her life with. She's thrown it in your face - complete with lies and minimization about what happened - and wants you to give her a pass. If you marry her it will be the biggest mistake of your life and you might never forgive yourself for it. Begin to end the relationship right now and I guarantee you will NEVER regret it. Never.

The question you have to ask yourself if she fixed whatever was broken inside of her that allowed her to cheat would you still want a life together?

This is a question for a BH with children and financial entanglements, not a fiance. I say that because the risk that she CANNOT fix herself is simply too great. The BH who wrote this told you that she cheated while engaged, he took her back and married her, then she cheated again. Yes, he says she's worked hard to repair the damage she has done but even that was a huge risk because not many WW's are truly remorseful. The chances that your fiance will cheat again are overwhelming so unless that appeals to you - end this thing.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 2:04 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

Once you say 'I do', you've sanctioned her behavior, and the marriage begins on a bed of mistrust.

Suspicions will be ignited with every trip, every shopping excursion, and every night out with the girls.

Do yourself a favor.

Run.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:12 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

So sorry you are here hugs

Run Run Run!!!! Don’t bother with anyone that cheated before marriage they will cheat again and honestly you are worth so much more.

Marriage is tough enough with the albatross of infidelity. You will Always wonder and even if she does work on herself she cheated on you during your engagement.

Red flags alarms are going off in my head!!! No stop.

Say Hasta la vista baby!

What she has revealed to you, is what we in the poker world call, a Tell.

Pay attention to it if you want to win this game of life.