SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I AM getting a lot of resistance. Just not from her mother. She was bawling when I cut everything off.

I have stayed at the condo, she is now at her parents. Probably some small part of her that wants control - if I go somewhere else, I'm further out of reach.

Her mom basically said I don't blame you. Her parents are putting her through the ringer. They are PISSED at her. Her sibling reached out and apologized to me and said that their family understands what and why I'm doing it.

I've left a lot of details out, but I don't really feel an obligation to tell you. There are some facts that make side issues (but not THE issue) not as bad, but you guys did take the absence of info and assume the worst.

It is good that you are separated wocket, at least for the time being. You don't need her around while you are in this state.

Have you been able to go back to work yet? Taking care of yourself?

((((wocket))))

Yes, I have been going to work. It's helpful.

I've told my immediate supervisor the whole story. I told my ultimate boss that the wedding is postponed. They are ultimately very supportive and told me to take as much time off as I need. I do have a big deal going through right now so I've been working on that - I can't let anyone down right now because of personal issues. Once that goes through (or fails) I may take some time to go on a vacation.

Work has been a helpful distraction, really. I felt much better going in and getting shit done than sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

Been going to the gym every day. Today will probably be a day off since I'm pretty sore.

I've had to force myself to eat. I have zero appetite.

edit: First night got no sleep, second night got some sleep - it just sucked being alone. Last night got some more sleep. So improvement is happening on that front, at least.

Also I have avoided alcohol and drugs. I live somewhere where pot is legal, and turning off my feelings for a couple hours does sound really, really appealing. I probably won't do it though, since that stuff has been out of my life for a long time and I will have zero tolerance and just get paranoid.

[This message edited by wocket at 9:45 AM, May 9th (Wednesday)]

I found a supplement 5 HTTP helped me feel calmer. Also you might find lemon balm tea, melatonin, ltryptophan might help you with sleep. Valerian roots helps with sleep but can cause vivid dreams. Also magnesium glyclinate helps with maintaining deeper sleep thru night or eat more magnesium rich foods.

Or you could talk to your dr and get some pharmaceutical help if warranted at least for awhile.

I remember those sleepless nights and I can tell you this will pass.

Wocket, it's not so much a matter of assuming the worst in the absence of details. Details which you're absolutely under no obligation to disclose. I listened to audio surveillance of my wife having the crap pounded out of her. Did I disclose the details of that here? No I didn't, and I'm not going to. The fact is both my wife and your fiancee crossed the Rubicon. They willingly spread their legs for another man, and that made it impossible for me to even consider going forward with my stbxw. Maybe you can accept this and continue into a future with her. I could not. I wish you well, and that you not find yourself where I am years from now.

I've had to force myself to eat. I have zero appetite.

Maybe try something nutricious but easy to digest: soups, yogurt with berries, meal replacement drink/shake, and work your way up from there.

It's great that your superiors at work are supportive. Some days everything might be going fine, and others you might not know which way is up.

Good luck on successfully closing your deal!

Keep processing your emotions and take care of yourself. Please stay away from alcohol and drugs. Only you know all the details involved with your fiancé’s infidelity. You also know your fiancé better than any of us internet strangers. You have to realize the vast majority of advice you have received to run and never look back or to get rid of your fiancé is understandable coming from people who have all been through the pain and suffering caused by a cheating spouse. The advice comes from a good place in an attempt to save you from future heartache and pain if you should choose to marry your fiancé. But you should also realize that many couples do reconcile and rebuild their relationships and have a fulfilling marriage after infidelity. It is not a dealbreaker for everyone. Only you can decide whether it is for you or not.

In my case my W had a drunken ONS like your fiancé, but her infidelity occurred early in our marriage. I believed it was a dealbreaker for me and we separated and I filed for D. Five months later she tracked me down and convinced me to give her another try. She demonstrated so much positive change through her actions that I did stop the divorce and we reconciled and rebuilt a fulfilling and happy marriage. That was 41 years ago. This year we will celebrate our 45th anniversary. It was not easy. But it can be done, and it is done every day. Strength to you as you move forward.

Well done wocket. It would have been impossible to look forward to the marriage and process her infidelity at the same time. Take your time and take care of yourself.

Wocket

Seems you are approaching this logically and making good choices.

People who are saying to run are just trying to convey to you how hard it will be to recover from this. They speak from painful experience and don’t want you to be posting an even sadder story of lost years to someone who could never remain faithful. I understand their candor and hope you won’t discount it when deciding what is right for you.

I won’t tell you to run however. I do think you were spot on in canceling and taking the ring back. She wasn’t ready. She proved that. Can she be ready some day? Of course. But there’s a lot of work between now and then. Are you both willing to do that work?

To start you each need to find an Individual Counselor (IC) to work with. You to deal with the pain. Her to figure out why she easily broke this boundary and was so callously able to hurt you, her professed love one.

She also needs to start over with you. From square one. As you have hopefully stated, nothing is certain. She needs to court you and decide if you can even be boyfriend and girlfriend again, let alone fiancés or spouses.

And she needs to come up with a plan to make you feel safe for every day for the next 50 years.

These are all daunting tasks. Are you interested in letting her even start to try? You have to decide that. Is she worth it?

And she must decide the same. Does she think she can even do it? It may be 2-3-4 years before you even decide to ask her to marry you again, if you ever do. Then another year or so for engagement. Are you each interested in waiting that long?

I won’t say it’s impossible. There are examples of it succeeding like the previous poster stated.

But it won’t be easy.

Take your time, decide what you even want. Then in a week or two, go talk to her.

In the meantime I hope she is getting into IC, one that deals with infidelity. Go find one for you as well.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:00 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]

The wedding is officially called off - vendors have been notified.

I also told her the engagement is also off. I have the ring.

Still not sure what I want to do with the long term here. I've gotten some referrals for individual counseling from the lmft we saw last night, so I'll be calling them this afternoon.

I spoke to her mom and she was actually very supportive and understanding of my decision. Did not try to convince me to stay - which is what I knew would happen. I just wanted someone to talk to who I knew would not judge me no matter what I choose to do in the long term.

Is this the end? I really hope not. But I am prepared for it to be.

It sounds like you’ve hit the ground running.. and that you are using your head and your heart to make these decisions . I’m happy for you!

I have to ask, and In case this comes across the wrong way, I really am asking out of curiousity as I’m in a very similar situation.

How did calling it off feel? I know it couldn’t have been easy, but now that vendors are aware, family (some of them) are aware... how does t make you feel? Relieved? Scared?

There are some facts that make side issues (but not THE issue) not as bad, but you guys did take the absence of info and assume the worst.

Focus on THE issue, don't get distracted.

Hey wocket,

It sounds to me like you are thinking critically and not in denial about what has happened.

Often, people on this board will assume the worst because in roughly 97.23% of cases (yes, I made that stat up just now :)) whenever a BS has "Just Found Out" about infidelity they haven't found out all of it. It's also tough to think clearly when you've been punched in the gut and there's often a tendency to minimize and ignore the truth because when you do find out your reeling and trying to catch your balance. In many other threads here people do this for an extended period of time and don't explore things critically only to have the truth come out later and it is just that much more painful. Additionally, as you read through the other threads (if you choose to do so) you will find that there are themes and parallels that show up time and time again. However and whatever the statistics and parallels may be, it doesn't mean you aren't going to be in that smaller portion and the circumstances of your situation are yours alone.

I've left a lot of details out, but I don't really feel an obligation to tell you. There are some facts that make side issues (but not THE issue) not as bad, but you guys did take the absence of info and assume the worst.

That's correct, you're not under any obligation to tell us anything at all and I actually recommend changing small details to protect yourself (though I'm not very good at that myself). If certain details may be too gruesome and you don't feel compelled to learn about them or feel you need help processing them that's fine as well.

For you're own benefit, I would recommend sharing as much as you can within those limitations because otherwise, you might be missing out on some missing piece of the puzzle someone here can guide you to find. It's happened that way for me and many others here countless times. Many find just sharing the story is helpful in their own thought process.

Again none of this means you have to do it my way or anyone else's but your own and if you decide to share it certainly doesn't and shouldn't be anywhere you don't feel (reasonably) comfortable doing it. I just want you to understand the potential benefits that come with telling your own story and being vulnerable. It doesn't have to be all at once, either.

Keep taking care of yourself. You're doing as well as anyone could hope for at this point.

Stay Strong,

LCL

House, I won't pose this question a third time, but I'd like to ask you one further time. If your then-fiance had cheated on you during the engagement, with the knowledge you now possess, would you have went ahead with the marriage?

I'm not a fan of these questions, as first, I am not wocket, we have different values, and so what exactly I would do is different from what exactly he would do. Second, if I knew then what I know now, it'd have never happened in the first place.

I gave my recommendation to wocket in my last post.

I just think it is important to be absolutely truthful. Lies got us here, lies shouldn't be used to get us out. I often see blanket statements like, "She'll definitely do it again...they all do" which simply is not true. Understandable and no harm-no foul, until the statement is used to justify an action, like getting a divorce. Then it is a problem.

The truth of wocket's situation is plenty reason enough without embellishment, I guess is my main point.

Wocket, full speed ahead on your present course is my recommendation. We'll support you no matter what you choose, though.

Wocket, full speed ahead on your present course is my recommendation. We'll support you no matter what you choose, though.

I concur. And my apology Sir, for putting you on the spot. My wounds are fresh, my perspective on a faithless wife/fiancee naturally reflects that.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 3:27 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]

Wocket - Find another girl. This experience will make you stronger and will make you not accept a cheater.

My D-Day happened years ago and I would not allow myself to accept her apologies

If you take her back she knows she can do it to you again and you may take her back then too.

I found another girl who I can look in the eyes and know shes been loyal to me from the day we met. Makes a huge difference.

I’ve told her we are done. I have applied for a couple apartments and have told her I will be moving out. She can afford the condo independently, so what happens will be up to her.

We have switched from marriage counseling to independent therapy - the joint counselor we were seeing terminated the relationship with her and will continue on exclusively worh me.

Thanks everyone for your time. I would like to say that your input had factored into my decision, but I’m not sure it did at all. When you guys were telling me to run I immediately got defensive and had the gut reaction to stay.

It was really her behavior in the past week along with what the therapist said in therapy and during my individual session. Maybe all of your words helped push me towards that after the fact, but who knows.

And to be honest, I feel a lot better after making my choice. Still don’t feel good, still have to force myself to eat, but I feel better. I’ve been able to get ok sleep, which is better than zero sleep.

I can’t say if I will continue to spend time here or not, I really don’t know. But I will be forever grateful for the time you all spent sharing your stories and offering support.

I would like to say that your input had factored into my decision, but I’m not sure it did at all.

Doesn't matter if we did or not.

And to be honest, I feel a lot better after making my choice.

This is what does.

I can’t say if I will continue to spend time here or not,

Whatever you need, brother. We are here if you need us, whenever that may or may not be.

Thank you, for asking for help and taking care of yourself.

I am far from an expert on these things but to me she used this to bail out - in a burn the boats kind of way.

It is good that you were able to get out of infidelity.

Hang in there, things will get better...not an easy straight line but you handled it well.

I am far from an expert on these things but to me she used this to bail out - in a burn the boats kind of way.

It hurts, but I suspect this aspect was present as well.

She is also incredibly impulsive with addiction in her family. And it wasn’t just alcohol that was involved that night. The pretext for the meet up was something a bit more than that.

I also just don’t think she is meant for monogamous relationships. I was not the first person she cheated on. She swears that this was the only time she cheated, but there were two separate nights where she could have done it. She denies it, but it’s not like I can take her word for it.

Early in the relationship she also told me “all I care about is that if you eventually come back to me at the end of the night”. Definite red flag that caught my attention, but I stupidly believed her when she said it would never happen to me.

Live and learn. I know in 18-24 months I will look back on this and be grateful that it happened. Sucks that I may not get married and start a family until my late 30’s, but finding and dating women had never been a problem for me.

[This message edited by wocket at 2:48 PM, May 11th (Friday)]

You sounds really good. I am glad logic is taking over. The red flags are very important in light of the circumstances.

Do you mind sharing what the therapist told you? My therapist was very much for R. We had young children. She sees so many adult issues stem from divorced parents. So I am curious what the therapists input was in your situation.