SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wocket

You are doing the right thing. I found a non cheating girl in my late 30s and I've never been more happy.

A year from now, you'll think I dodged a major bullet.

Be warned, she is going to try to win you back in the next month or so. Be strong snd do not go back to her.

Again if you take her back she will always know you will give in.

I'm very happy for you wocket - you're on your way to real healing.

It doesn't matter all that much but I hope someday you will understand why so many of us said that as painful as it is for you, it is a gift and you need to get out now. I wish you peace.

Do you mind sharing what the therapist told you? My therapist was very much for R. We had young children. She sees so many adult issues stem from divorced parents. So I am curious what the therapists input was in your situation.

I told her that she just does not fucking get it, she does not seem to be taking things seriously, is sweeping things under the rug, and is treating my list of boundaries as a checklist of annoying tasks that she must (begrudgingly) complete - instead of a serious set of guidelines that she can use to 1) rebuild the trust that she callously and heartlessly destroyed and 2) improve herself and address mental issues/baggage she has. That she was blame shifting, would not empathize with me when I talked about how difficult it was for me (she would start talking about how hard it was on her). That a major motivation of her desire to stay in the relationship is to save her from the embarrassment from the breakup and to prevent others from learning why it happened. This is not an exhaustive list, but it’s just what came into my head right now. Edit: and I apologize for the poor formatting of this post, I just wanted to shoot it off quick and get back go work.

[This message edited by wocket at 3:18 PM, May 11th (Friday)]

Be warned, she is going to try to win you back in the next month or so. Be strong snd do not go back to her.

Going to? Lol, it has already started.

My ex tried to win me back for like 3 months. I blocked her on everything.

Going to? Lol, it has already started.

Yes because it’s fun and a game to her.

The red flags.

Some are so subtle as to be nearly undetectable. But damn, if we all had taken them seriously.

Yes because it’s fun and a game to her.

I dunno if I would be that harsh on her. I think she is legitimately upset about the end of the relationship.

But I am really enjoying it when she is getting upset and emotional. After this betrayal it feels fucking amazing to be pursued like this. I know this is not helpful in healing, and that I am just enjoying inflicting pain and embarrassment on her. Hell, her getting upset might even be an act, but I still don’t care.

I have high levels of self respect. I always have and I always will. I think about shit I have not tolerated in the past from women - like the time in college I refused an invitation into a woman's bedroom after she called another guy in front of me who turned her down - and was really surprised with myself that I considered taking her back.

And I wasn’t even thinking this in hindsight. I literally though to myself why the fuck am I entertaining staying in this relationship when one of my core beliefs has been offended. That was an explicitly non exclusive relationship in college, but I cut all romantic relations off with her right there and then. Yes, we were not exclusive, and I think she was just doing that to initiate my pursuit, but I just said fuck that.

About a year later, that same girl told my friend in a manner that was specifically designed to get back to me, that she still had feelings for me. I turned her down then too.

Sorry about the edits here.

[This message edited by wocket at 4:09 PM, May 11th (Friday)]

dunno if I would be that harsh on her.

And this is why you are a nice guy who has no problem getting a date.

You did the right thing. I know its hard but she clearly isn't ready to be an adult or someone ready for a serious relationship.

I would push to get everything separated as soon as possible and block her. I can imagine once the sadness goes for her the anger will set in and she will blame it all on you. The less contact you have with her the better you can move on.

I can imagine once the sadness goes for her the anger will set in and she will blame it all on you.

She’s already tried that one too, after I broke the engagement but before ending the actual relationship. I anticipate that it will come up again, however.

wocket,

Good or bad I felt the same way you described about being pursued after leaving my STBXW. It didn't last forever but I could have said exactly what you said for awhile after.

You sound like you've got the right attitude to bounce back strong.

Another thing - posting my decision here to walk away from the relationship is the first time I have felt that my feelings or actions have been validated.

I will undoubtedly get more of that when I talk to my family and honestly and frankly tell them everything, but this aspect - the difficulty or refusal of her to acknowledge that she did something wrong and I was legitimately upset was a major reason why I decided to leave in the first place.

I think that’s part of the aspect of why I did not enjoy people telling me to run. Deep down I wanted to stay, and you guys made those feelings feel wrong or illegitimate. In the grand scheme of things everyone who told me to run was giving me good advice - esp. on a pure numbers/statistics level. But I think that explains my emotional reaction to the advice I initially received.

[This message edited by wocket at 4:19 PM, May 11th (Friday)]

Sir, I applaud your taking charge of the situation and in the bigger picture, of your life. You have ensured that you will not be where I am in a decade or a decade and a half, not with this woman in any event. Well done.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 4:46 PM, May 11th (Friday)]

Deep down I wanted to stay

I would say it more like deep down you wanted it to be ok, you wanted the relationship you thought you had. Not to stay at any cost. I think one thing that we might have helped you with here is to realize more quickly what the cost really is.

I am so sorry that she did this to you, and that she is such a non-candidate for any type of reconciliation. You have your integrity and character, she has none.

Stay prepared for more of her shenanigans, she probably doesn't really believe at this point that she won't be able to win you back. Stay strong.

((((wocket))))

I think you subconsciusly came to the conclusion a few posts back, when you remarked, "The problem is the best long term solution is often not the path of least resistance."

Wocket, firstly I am so sorry to read about your plight.

If I could take this battered old head of mine and put it on young shoulders, I would. My advice is to walk away now, if she can cheat before marriage, then she sure can after. As many people here can testify to, the road to healing from betrayal is not an easy one, even with years of marriage behind them, it takes hard work and calls on a solid foundation of love and committment.

It is better to walk away now and suffer a few months of pain, than to marry a cheater and put yourself at risk of years of pain, possibly with children involved.

She has lied, cheated and betrayed you even before marriage, there is already a lack of love and respect.

Walk away with your head held high, set the standards now for what you are prepared to accept. It will hurt for a while, but you are saving yourself from years of heartache in the future.

You deserve better, good luck

Hey....glad you are taking the steps that are best for you.

You don’t even need to explain away to anyone here why you initially reacted with resistance.....we all understand the feeling.

I was a ball of rage from DDay and for a month afterwards when I busted my LTgf cheating.....ended the relationship 15 min after first confronting.

That said, after a month, the anger burned itself out.....and oddly found myself missing our relationship quite often.

Even started to get pissed at MYSELF at that point.....I knew I was done with her from moment one, why the hell was I sad about her being gone?

After thinking about it for a bit, I understood why.....

Even though I was done with her immediately, and knew it was the right path going forward for me, this was still true.....

I did not WANT the relationship to end before I caught her.

I loved her.....was happy....thought we both were.....we were making initial plans for our wedding.

I knew she was going through a lot because her dad had died 2 months before, but I was trying to be there for her as much as possible......had no clue her POS co-worker had noticed her depression and was reaching out to ‘comfort’ her too.

She forced my hand by cheating.....but it was not something I chose because I was detached from the relationship....

I just did what I knew I had to......wasn’t thrilled about it.

Good news is......the pain and missing the relationship passed soon enough too.

By the time she came and begged for another chance 8 months after DDay, it was easy to tell her to kick rocks.

Just keep moving forward.

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 8:06 PM, May 11th (Friday)]

wocket,

Wanting to stay and try to reconcile is not uncommon. And that is the case even when you're not being bombarded with "Run!" advice. You wisely saw that you couldn't reconcile with someone that displayed her post Dday behavior.

Her comment about 'as long as you come home at night' is most telling. It is close to floating out a feeler for. a Mutual Hall Pass arrangement. It certainly indicates a mindset about fidelity. Had you married, you may have had the experience of other members where their spouse/partner, out of the blue, starts a conversation about having an open M.

Wocket:

First, we don't know you. This place is anonymous. We have no stake in your outcome. No agenda.

Second, we have, among us, many decades of hard-won experience dealing with infidelity. We offer our advice based on that experience, in good faith, for your benefit, with nothing to gain personally other than the hope that we helped a fellow betrayed husband.