SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Although each case is different then I feel a certain connection with what you are going through. My fiancé and I had been together for something like +5 years, engaged 2 (or was it four… It’s been so long that it’s all snowed over) and exactly 4 weeks, 6 days and 13 hours away from our planned, big, white-wedding when I walked in on her having sex with another man.

I walked out of that relationship and never looked back.

Didn’t have anything to do with me not loving her. I did truly and with all my heart. There was NOTHING that I wanted more than to have her as my wife. Well… nothing other than the reality that if she cheated right there at that time then the marriage wouldn’t last. I realized that for ME at THAT TIME this was my best option.

Took me six months of steady pain. Then one day I woke up feeling sad but had to take a minute to remember why.

Then a few months later I would wake up feeling OK.

And then – at about the 12-month mark – I was fine.

You will reach that point and – if you work on it – probably in the same timeline.

About 18 months later I met my present wife. We have had a great, long marriage with our ups and downs. Infidelity impacted it for the first 12-14 years simply because I bought my baggage with me. I didn’t trust her, was always suspicious and generally an @sshole in that area. Fortunately, I realized what was going on and got help for my PTSD.

What would I do if my wife cheated? I don’t know…

I do know that with no kids and all that ending THAT relationship was easy. But if my wife, with our kids and home and history and all that cheated… I honestly don’t know. And I’m as alpha as they come. But more than alpha I’m also a MAN and a man stands by his commitments and doesn’t flee his battles. And even more than a man I’m also a human. I can’t program myself to decide ahead of things in a definite way how I will react.

Seeing my stuff in boxes physically segregated from her stuff got to me. This breakup is a weird one for me. There is this feeling of finality to it that almost makes it like a death. I didn’t have that the last time my other long term relationship ended.

Yes, I know this feeling well and it is very much like the finality of death. Allow yourself to mourn this death as an important part of your personal healing. Stay entirely no-contact with her until you totally detach from her...you'll know when you get to that point. Start seeing other women as soon as it sounds like a good idea.

wocket,

It is a loss. She took away something you valued. Suggestion: get all that stuff out of the boxes in your new place as soon as possible. Get fully moved in, things stowed away where they belong. Keeping things in boxes keeps a visible remnant of your old life.

It's a process, as you've seen already over the past couple of months. It wasn't easy making the decision you did, but it was the right one. You deserve to be with someone who is committed to you and can be trusted without a moment's thought.

I spent years wondering where my WW was and with whom and what she was doing. It's a total nightmare mon ami. I'm very happy for you that you are avoiding all of that.

You'll meet someone worthy of you. Let the process unfold and in the end all will be well. You done good.

Noticed I was very angry all day yesterday. I wanted to break stuff.

Didn’t know why I was feeling this way. I normally am not an angry person at all.

On my drive home from work I realized that yesterday and today are one month since the ONS. Today is one month since d day. Both are tough days. Didn’t expect them to be as triggering as they are.

[This message edited by wocket at 12:31 PM, June 6th (Wednesday)]

Those days happen wocket. When you least expect it, expect it. The triggering will lesson over time. You're making it through, just know that we've all been there. Some worse than others. Take care of yourself.

This will be little consolation, but some people spend weeks, months, or even years feeling like that. You are actually doing very well, and feeling like that so close to D-Day is, sadly, very normal indeed.

What is good is that it is a rarity for you, and that most of the time you do not feel that way. It may flare up from time to time, but it does go away, to be replaced by indifference as we get on with our lives, and meet new people.

It's been a month since ONS and d day. Have you heard anything from your EX? I would think she would be bombarding you with remorse if she was truly in love with you. I do wish you well.

Hey wocket,

Obviously really sorry for what you've been through and I see you have had a very mixed bag of advice, quite of which I personally don't agree with. Do not feel pressured to "man-up", you have been nothing but a man during this time.

And you sound like you have a very sensible head on your shoulders.

I know your lives were entwined through having moved in together but, compared with most on this site, your situation was relatively simple as you weren't financially co-dependent and most importantly don't have kids.

Because of that, and given where you should be in a relationship with a wife-to-be, I think a postponement was the minimum and it's hard to see her as the right woman to take with you into the rest of your, hopefully long, life.

Bigger gave you some great advice. Mine is to take your time, certainly don't rush to feel you should have recovered and, as SisterMilkshake said, do not surround yourself with alphas, surround yourself with your best and most trusted friends.

To be honest, you sound like the kind of guy to do that.

We've all had to walk your road and we're all here to tell the tale, so in time you will feel better and you'll be able to move on.

do not surround yourself with alphas

Why are some of you so down on alphas? My assessment of Wocket is that he's an alpha himself. While I cannot speak for him, I'm most at home in the company of my peers. "Betas", which is apparently what some of you prefer to interact with, are not like us... not at all. Their characteristics are anathema to a certain type of man. My apologies for the slight T/J, Wocket, though a convincing argument can be made that the T/J originates with the anti-alpha faction, which absolutely exists on this site, with both genders among them. It was them who ruined my JFO thread when it was nearly limited out. I'll keep a fire extinguisher handy, ha ha.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 12:29 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]

i differentiate between things i know and things i think. one thing i KNOW is that no one fits nice and neatly into one little niche. we tend to fill many of them instead.

there is no such thing as an alpha or beta male. its pop psychology thats made its way into accepted "fact" even though its just nonsense.

there are just good decent people, some not so good people but not terrible either, and the rest are mostly just assholes.

the whole alpha and beta males thing is just an attempt to excuse assholery from "both" types. but even more interesting is how the omega/gamma/delta/sigma personality types ALWAYS get left off in these discussions.

most likely because the people discussing them got it from pop culture since modern psychology uses the five factor model of neuroticism, extraversion, openness, agreeableness, and conscientiousnes instead of these silly personality types

i couldnt fix a car if i had too, never spent a day in the gym lifting weights unless i had too, refuse to raise my voice no matter how provoked, walk away rather than fight unless i cant, watch twilight movies with my daughter, get along with most everyone, open doors for people, give up my seat to the elderly or pregnant, greet my neighbors 5 yr old by going to the knee and talking to her for at least 3-5 minutes a day about her dolls and legos, and yet ... i KNOW im the single most dangerous person in ANY room with ANY number of people in that room.

thats not something to be proud of but after 37 yrs of martial arts, special operations capable unit in the usmc, private military companies, high end executive protection - its an honest assessment.

so where do i fight into that alpha / beta thing? am i cuck too?

[This message edited by william at 8:28 AM, June 7th (Thursday)]

IMO we should be mindful of wocket's intentions for his thread. From May 21st I believe:

I’d prefer if this didn’t go too far off topic. Infidelity and masculinity is definitely appropriate for this website, just not in this post.

Edit: never mind. Not worth it.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 9:26 AM, June 7th (Thursday)]

I guess the one thing we should be mindful of is that it doesn't matter if you are Alpha, Beta or whatever. We all got cheated on. So I guess none of us are better than anyone else regardless of who we are or who we hang with when it comes to getting the shock of our lives. None of us ever expected it, and none of us can control the actions of anyone but ourselves.

Of course you're angry Wocket. You had a picture of your future in your mind and it went up in smoke. It's good to be angry sometimes. In my experience I found that I didn't really start forming a new vision of my future until I let go of the grief. Anger was a part of that process.

Why are some of you so down on alphas?

Because beta vs alpha is a silly distinction to make. You can't qualify men into two categories. People are more complicated than that.

To add, I have little respect for anyone who self-identifies as an "alpha". If you need to broadcast your strength, I doubt you're very strong.

Sorry you're enduring this.

If your certainty about the relationship has been undermined but you want to try to save the relationship, postpone the wedding and take steps to address the issue.

If your certainty about the relationship has been undermined and you don't think you can restore it, just cancel the wedding.

I'd cancel if it was me. Wishing you the best.

I don’t identify as an “alpha male”. I have some traits that are alpha, and some that are decidedly not. Some places in my life I have power and control over others, and other places I follow. I just don’t think about it, nor do I let it dictate or influence my behavior in social situations.

When I think of “alpha males”, I picture someone who has a compulsive need to exert power and control over others. Not an expert, but my perception is that it comes from a place of insecurity.

In fact, I think she wanted me to be more controlling and more domineering over her. That’s not me. I let my partners be their own person and do not require them to bend who they are to my preference.

A big regret I have is not objecting to her leaving the bar right as she left. I don’t think I would have allowed it to happen were I not as drunk as I was. I am very angry with myself for not doing this. Really angry. I know what happened afterwards is not my fault, but the fact there was something under my power and control that I could have done to stop it really, really bothers me right now. Had I done that, I would have been in relative bliss right now. At the same time, I have always been a very trusting person. I just couldn’t comprehend why she would do what she did. I still can’t. And I know I never will.

[This message edited by wocket at 12:24 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]

A big regret I have is not objecting to her leaving the bar right as she left. I don’t think I would have allowed it to happen were I not as drunk as I was. I am very angry with myself for not doing this. Really angry. I know what happened afterwards is not my fault, but the fact there was something under my power and control that I could have done to stop it really, really bothers me right now. Had I done that, I would have been in relative bliss right now. At the same time, I have always been a very trusting person. I just couldn’t comprehend why she would do what she did. I still can’t. And I know I never will.

This is bullshit. You cannot control someone else's behavior no matter how much you think you can. She chose to fuck this guy. If not him it would have been the some other guy. Unless you locked her in a cage she was going to get some strange and, likely, this would have been an every now-and-then activity for her. In fact, if you really gave a shit you could do some digging you will discover that the real reason she confessed was that there was a real danger that you were going to find out on your own at some point. I'm not saying to do any more digging because I think that maintaining NC and completing the detachment process are much, much more important. I just don't want to you blame yourself and begin to glorify her or your relationship by only remembering the good times. We all tend to do this but the reality is that there were plenty of things about her that were less than perfect.

You are doing great - just stay strong and dedicated to detachment which is the thing that leads to real healing.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 12:35 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]

"A big regret I have is not objecting to her leaving the bar right as she left."

Even if you had stopped her leaving, based on her obvious lack of morals, it would have happened eventually anyway. Be thankful you found out now before years, financial entanglement, and children got involved.

It's been a month since ONS and d day. Have you heard anything from your EX? I would think she would be bombarding you with remorse if she was truly in love with you. I do wish you well.

Yes, this is happening. I put her on “do not disturb” on my phone, so while I see her attempts to contact they don’t light up my phone. She does not have my new address.

There’s regret for what she personally lost as a result of what she did. I have seen signs of remorse beyond her telling me that she feels awful for what she did to me. Nothing that would push me to R at this point, though I still do entertain the thought. In terms of communication to her I have all but shut the door. I told her if she really loves me she needs to work on her own shit so she doesn’t hurt the next guy like she has hurt me - or hurt others around her the same way her parents have disappointed and hurt her.

She moved home with her extended family rather than getting her own place or moving in w friends, both of which she could afford. Knowing her, this is an intentional signal to me that she won’t be moving on in the meantime. I don’t really feel like talking about all the stuff she is doing to try and get me to come back. Some of it shows remorse, some of it put a bad taste in my mouth.

You ever know a talented smart kid who tragically died young with a ton of unrealized potential? That’s how I feel about this relationship. She and I would have been a good team, had talented kids, and pushed each other to be our best. That’s dead. And yes, I can find another, but she has a unique combination of smarts, drive, athleticism, and beauty. Each of these traits are common enough - and I’ll be able

to find someone with most of them. But chances are I won’t find all of those. I feel that she’s responsible for the death of a child or children that were never born.

And I’m surprisingly not angry at her. I’m mad at the world, mad at myself. But with her I just feel pity. How fucked of a headspace do you have to be in to do what she did at this stage of her life and our relationship?