SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Double post

[This message edited by wocket at 1:10 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]

"How fucked of a headspace do you have to be in to do what she did at this stage..."

'VERY' f*cked in the head and not worth the effort or risk.

She and I would have been a good team, had talented kids, and pushed each other to be our best. That’s dead. And yes, I can find another, but she has a unique combination of smarts, drive, athleticism, and beauty

This is simply you idealizing her and the relationship you had. This is not reality, or at least it is only remembering the good and none of the bad. It's a defense mechanism to keep your mind from truly accepting the truth of just what she did and how horribly destructive it actually is.

Edit: moved this down a bit from the double post to ensure it’s read.

This is bullshit.

I know this is probably true. I know I’ve read it a bunch of places. I still feel it though.

This is simply you idealizing her and the relationship you had. This is not reality

I don’t think I’m overly romanticizing the relationship. I am very good at not buying my own bullshit. She is a very special but ultimately very flawed individual who has a mountain of FOO shit she needs to deal with in a different way than how she’s dealt with it her entire life. That is not an easy thing to do at 30.

And even if she does learn healthier coping mechanisms, that’s still not going to fully insulate her spouse from all of that BS.

For her own sake I hope she figures something out. And even if she executed that perfectly I don’t know if that would be enough for me.

A high priority item for my next partner is going to be stability. I don’t think I’d ever get that with her.

Ultimately I know what I’m walking away from. Both good and bad.

[This message edited by wocket at 1:15 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]

You know, wocket, I believe you when you say all those lovely things about your ex fiancé. She is flawed, though as we all are. And her particular flaw led her to make a horrible, destructive choice. A choice that hurt both you and her.

I am a BS that is reconciled with her FWH. If my FWH wasn't a good man there would be no way in hell I would have given him a chance at reconciliation. His infidelity isn't what defines my FWH. The infidelity that your ex fiancé participated in doesn't have to define her, either, if she takes steps to fix the flawed thinking that allowed her to make such an awful choice.

eta: for clarity

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:23 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]

"She and I would have made a great team, had talented kids, and pushed each other to be our best. That's dead. And yes, I can find another, but she has has a unique combination of smarts, drive, athleticism, and beauty. Each of these traits are common enough and I'll be able to find someone with most of them. But chances are I won't find all of those".

Yep she used her "smarts, drive and beauty" to fuck you over.

I'll take a partner with a combination of traits of LOYALTY, MORALS, COMMITMENT, HONESTY AND BOUNDARIES over all that other BS any day of the week.

Quit beating yourself up as others have pointed out. If it wasn't that guy it would have been someone else. You don't know how LUCKY you are this didn't happen and you had kids. I know you don't feel lucky but trust me, one day when you look back on this (and you do have kids) TRUST me you will look up to Heaven and say "THANK YOU GOD".

You'r doing fantastic. Keeping pressing forward.

You ever know a talented smart kid who tragically died young with a ton of unrealized potential? That’s how I feel about this relationship. She and I would have been a good team, had talented kids, and pushed each other to be our best. That’s dead. And yes, I can find another, but she has a unique combination of smarts, drive, athleticism, and beauty. Each of these traits are common enough - and I’ll be able

to find someone with most of them. But chances are I won’t find all of those.

Oh yes you will. If there is one thing I have learned it is that everyone is replaceable.

And the ultimate tipping point that pushed me away in spite of the good is the FOO issues.

She’s not an alcoholic - yet. She very well could develop that later on in life. I really hope this isn’t true, but for her it could be the first of many incidents where her drug and alcohol use has a negative impact in her life.

Many who deal with an alcoholic or addict do not have the luxury of choice. She couldn’t pick her parents. But I do. And that is the tipping point.

Oh yes you will.

I have no doubt in my mind that I will find someone new that I will be perfectly happy to be with. Someone who will bring loyalty, commitment, and stability. However they won’t have some of the things that she brought to the table - things that are important to me. This is what I’m sad about.

Prior to this the price of admission was worth it in spite of the FOO shit. Not anymore.

Yep she used her "smarts, drive and beauty" to fuck you over.

I'll take a partner with a combination of traits of LOYALTY, MORALS, COMMITMENT, HONESTY AND BOUNDARIES over all that other BS any day of the week.

Chill, dude.

Nobody on this board chose to marry a evil psychopath, knowing full well they would cheat on us.

Every single person married someone they THOUGHT did have "loyalty, morals, commitment, honest, and boundaries." Unfortunately, you can't predict the future to know when someone isn't going to.

Wocket,

What you're dealing with here is complex and you are doing the correct thing by sharing your frustrations in order to work through them.

Even when you recognize that a thought or concept may be both causing you pain and being logically flawed it can be hard to let go of. Why? b/c emotions are stubborn motherfuckers and when they're all fucked sideways and shook the hell up like they are whenever you've been traumatized they bump into each other and push and pull each other and generally make it a confusing headspace to be. That's how it's always been for me at least.

On the guilt that shouldn't be your's to own thing, you were getting at in the below quote. I know you know and see it that it isn't your fault but again emotions dig in hard and don't want to let go of things (I'll get to where I think they may become from after).

A big regret I have is not objecting to her leaving the bar right as she left. I don’t think I would have allowed it to happen were I not as drunk as I was. I am very angry with myself for not doing this. Really angry. I know what happened afterwards is not my fault, but the fact there was something under my power and control that I could have done to stop it really, really bothers me right now.

While it doesn't make "sense" that you would feel guilty it does make sense from an emotional standpoint as to why you would want to feel guilty.

I know, I know "Why in the fuck would anyone want to be guilty, asshole?"

...would have once been my response to that. I know b/c it happened but I was wrong. Maybe this next part will apply directly to you.

The desire for me to feel guilt was actually driven by my fear and desire to feel safe and trusting again (I too was always a pretty trusting person and felt I had lost that). So that fear and that desire wanted for me to take responsibility for what happened. It made me want to change that last sentence fragment to add in "let" so that I would be able to say...

"Well DAAAMMMNN no wonder this happened to me I see my mistake now and how I can be SAFE again in the future."

Then there was the follow-up response to that

which was:

"I am going to need to beat myself to shit with this terrible thing that I've done and/or allowed to happen so that I never allow it to happen again."

So that "non-thought" (but really just primal and partially or entirely subconscious thought) process driven by emotions was getting in the way of allowing me to let go of the guilt. Once I kind of got myself to this spot I was able to start pulling it apart and then slowly started to let go of some of that anger. There was and is still plenty of that coming from other aspects of this shitstorm but that desire to exert control over the past and regain safety in that way have both gone by the wayside.

I still have thoughts that I might be guilty or somehow I deserved what happend and they will pop up every now and again (and someone call me if you can figure out how to make THAT shit stop) but I recognize that it's just a thought and it will be on it's way shortly and it doesn't affect me as much since the emotional weight such thoughts had previously carried has been lifted. So slowly those thoughts have come around less and less and I know eventually they'll be gone completely.

.....and just for a moment let's get a time machine one-use-only and go back to that night and you to prevent her from leaving the bar.

What happens?

Sure, maybe you are happy in the NOW of this new timeline we've created but the broken part of her that allowed her to do what she did in that now defunct timeline isn't fixed. It's still in the NOW of the new timeline.

Now from there can you see another scenario developing that will see have that broken part reveal itself and then you wind up being betrayed again?

What if she goes out for a drink after work?

Or when you leave for a work trip?

At a bachelorette party?

Can you see a similar situation to the old timeline occurring again?

I can b/c that part of her is still broken.

Since you said you were still thinking of R and if you decide that she has done enough to allow for you to feel safe with her as a partner and done enough to for you to feel that she will continue to work to fix that broken part forever that's a bit different.

So I'm saying even though you had no hope of preventing this because it was something inside of her that caused it, that doesn't mean there isn't a chance that you won't be able to trust that she will be able to prevent it herself in the future and that she will choose to do so.

Stay Strong,

I really relate to the comment about things I have done in the past to deserve this. I’m not a spiritual person and I don’t believe in karma, but everyone has a fundamental sense of fair and unfair. And a firmly held belief that while unfairness exists in the world, most things are fundamentaly fair.

Being cheated on is flat out unfair, and there is nothing you can do to even the score. So it’s natural to think what you’ve done to “deserve” this. It’s a way of making fair out of the unfair.

I’m also very competitive person. I hate losing. I feel like I’ve lost the most important/biggest competition or contest in my life.

[This message edited by wocket at 3:57 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]

I feel like I’ve lost the most important/biggest competition or contest in my life.

I understand why you might feel like this, but would encourage you to consider alternative perspectives. What if this had not happened and you got married as planned? Would she still have the underlying issues that enabled her to have the affair? Obviously, yes. So, in a sense she was a ticking time bomb. Be glad she “detonated” before you were tied to her legally and/or through kids. You actually get a second chance to “win” with someone who doesn’t have these problems. Say this new woman ticks most of the boxes on your ideal spouse list, but maybe she is less athletic or not quite as intelligent as your XF is, but if the new woman won’t betray you... well, after having lived through a spouse’s betrayal, I imagine that’s a trade-off most people here would take all day, every day.

This is not meant to minimize the pain you feel. It is real and it sucks. However, getting a little more separation from the event, says 6 months or so, and you may begin to see the timing of this event as a blessing in disguise.

Life ultimately isn’t about winning or losing though. What life is is a series of events that you handle which build you in a composite way. Sure, this is a ‘negative’ event but this event doesn’t define you - how you handle it does.

Didn’t read all 16 pages, but it sounds like your head is in the right place. My WW cheated on me when we were dating, but “came to her senses” and returned to me. At least that’s how I saw it at the time. She told me all about it, or I never would have known. We were just dating, but it was a committed relationship, and was an early betrayal. At the time, I thought “Great, this wonderful woman chose me over the other guy.”

Maybe a year after that, we got engaged and married. 15 years later she was back to cheating. That’s my story in a nutshell. Wish I had seen the signs back then, because it would have saved me a whole world of shit. One thing I learned is that cheaters cheat and liars lie. I married a cheater and a liar, unfortunately.

You dodged a bullet...and you feel like you lost....you should be thanking your lucky stars!

Ya it hurts to find out you picked the wrong one.

Just take it as a learning experience and when you pick the next one, you now know that all the red flags need to be looked at and establish the risk management involved in a partners emotional health when starting a committed relationship again.

And yes, I can find another, but she has has a unique combination of smarts, drive, athleticism, and beauty. Each of these traits are common enough and I'll be able to find someone with most of them. But chances are I won't find all of those".

No - women like that are not a dime a dozen - but they are not as rare as hen's teeth.

I'm an old lady now. But let me describe myself in my early 30s. Blonde, blue eyes, fabulous figure and very attractive - okay that's the superficial crap. I graduated from a top women's college in 3 years with a STEM degree and Phi Beta Kappa. And then went on to get an MBA at the top business school in the world. I was very successful professionally. I had tons of friends. People loved me. TBH on paper I could probably surpass the cheating whore that you almost married.

But guess what - I was really not all that unique. I have so many female friends and acquaintances that I barely hold a candle to.

But let me tell you something else - most of that is not that important at all. I wasted a lot of time looking for a man with the "right credentials". I now have the most wonderful marriage with a man who is adorable and a great person - but he does not have those stupid "credentials". He's smart as a whip and made a good life for himself, but he doesn't have all the fancy degrees.

Nobody values drive and intelligence more than I do, but it's far more important to find a life partner who has integrity and that you actually like.

Right out of college I was engaged to a man with perfect "credentials". He was smart, got a business degree before he got his law degree. He made a boat of money. He was tall and good looking and was a star college football player. He loved me almost obsessively. I kept telling myself how "perfect" he was. But I remember flying to meet him and breaking into tears because at some level I knew something wasn't right.

I called off our wedding two months before because something just wasn't right. He begged, he pleaded, he wrote my parents missives on how much he loved me. But oh - he married the woman he'd been cheating with (I had no clue) 2 weeks later. Oh how happy I am that I escaped that nightmare.

By the way he's cheated on his wife for the last 40+ years. Oh my - that could have been me.

I hope that 30-40 years later you will feel the same. That you escaped a "fate worse than death".

[This message edited by Oftencheatedon at 6:58 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]

T/J

Worndown WTF are you talking about???

Of course he (or ANYONE else on here) didn't know this when he married her.

The POINT is he knows it now. Time to re-evaluate who and what she is (which he has done).

T/J over

DUDE, SHE SCREWED ANOTHER MAN 5 MONTHS BEFORE YOUR WEDDING, WHO DOES THAT!!

1) she knew what she was doing... when his penis was in her, she thought of you and she didn't care

2) when she setup the date, she thought of you and she didn't care

If that is someone you want to marry, well then go ahead, but don't come back here saying we didn't tell you so. Sorry to say, but she doesn't love you. does.not.love.you.

do you ever thing that some of these posts are trolls?