SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You have to understand that the life I had envisioned for myself

I get it completely. Your world shifted beneath your feet. I'm in the early stages of divorcing a cheating wife to whom I've been married for a month shy of 14 years. You've gotten excellent advice here, sir.

What I'm sure of: the wedding is absolutely off.

If you stand by this statement, your life is going to be better in countless ways. I'm certain there are faithful, true women in this world. Unfortunately, neither you nor I paired off with one.

Contact real estate agent and put the place back on the market!

If you are both living there now, she moves out or on the couch!!!!

Did you take the ring back? If not, do it immediately.

Have you told ALL of your friends and family yet? If not, do it NOW! They might be ready to pay for dresses, wedding shower, caterers, etc.

Have HER contact all vendors and see if you can get any of the money back!

Finally, read and fully implement 180!

Good luck. You will get through this!!!

[This message edited by Kamstel at 6:52 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

Just curious - called out sick to work. I have a pretty tough job that requires me to think on my feet. Pretty supportive group of people, all things considered.

BUT:

1. How long should I take off work? I couldn't be productive today. I don't know how much I could do tomorrow either.

2. How much should I tell them? How should I frame it?

Much of my day has been spent yelling FUCK into a comforter. I just feel like I've suffered an electric shock and a punch to the gut.

Thank you LCL. Going through your post right now.

Wocket, often it helps to write out the story chronologically.

When and how did you meet her?

When and why did you decide you wanted to marry her?

When did you get engaged?

What happened the night of the ONS?

Who was the ONS partner? Do you know him?

When and how did she tell you about it?

What exactly did she say? Did she give you the details? Did she use protection?

Have you been tested for STD?

I was off work for just shy of two weeks. Went back on a Thursday to have a slow intro back. When you're ready, work is a distracting godsend.

Wocket

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You have no idea how much I feel your pain. I myself am only 2 days after D-Day, and our wedding is in 4 months.

It hurt me so bad to read all the replies saying that you should cut and run. I understand that yes it’s true, since you are not yet married or with children that logically it would make sense for now to be the time to leave.

However, that doesn’t lessen the love you two shared, the relationship you’ve built, and don’t let anyone make you feel like this decision should be easy for you just because you are not yet married

I k ow the ripping pain you feel in your heart, I know the anger you are feeling and questions you are asking yourself. Your relationship is not defined by a marriage.

I wish I I had more wise words... but I’m just a broken heart along side you my friend

Bad behavior has consequences.

Go head a stay with her and have all the sex you want, at this point she will do anything you sexually want. The problem is, as far as the consequences of canceling the wedding and telling everyone why......well I'm guessing she would take it up the butt before you expose this crap to everyone.

CANCEL THE WEDDING UNTIL YOU CAN TRUST HER AGAIN!!!!!

A consequences worth facing if she really wants to own her bad behavior.

I'm so sorry Wocket.

You have been given a gift, even though that is the last thing you think it is right now.

Yes, you have bought a house...that can be undone in time without harming people's souls. Thank goodness kids aren't involved.

This is her character. This is the real her and it is your decision whether you want this in your life.

Again, I am so sorry because this is a horrible, horrible thing she has just done to you. (((Wocket))))

Wocket

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You have no idea how much I feel your pain. I myself am only 2 days after D-Day, and our wedding is in 4 months.

It hurt me so bad to read all the replies saying that you should cut and run. I understand that yes it’s true, since you are not yet married or with children that logically it would make sense for now to be the time to leave.

However, that doesn’t lessen the love you two shared, the relationship you’ve built, and don’t let anyone make you feel like this decision should be easy for you just because you are not yet married

I k ow the ripping pain you feel in your heart, I know the anger you are feeling and questions you are asking yourself. Your relationship is not defined by a marriage.

I wish I I had more wise words... but I’m just a broken heart along side you my friend

Staying with her, at least from where I stand today, would be the comfortable thing to do. The problem is the best long term solution is often not the path of least resistance.

You are correct.

Bail now... sell and get a lawyer to divide the asset....losing her/your house is just another consequence for her bad behavior.

In the end she will hate you...why...cuz she was wrong....she figured you weren't going any were and you are.

She will hate you cuz her plan didn't work out. You are the direct cuz of phucking up everything for her manipulating mind.

When and how did you meet her?

We met online nearly 3 years ago.

When and why did you decide you wanted to marry her?

She is a smart, caring, and hardworking person.

When did you get engaged?

6-8 months ago.

What happened the night of the ONS?

We were out with friends. She said she had to go meet up with two friends from her past - people she hadn't seen in a long time. She stayed out until 4:30 am.

Who was the ONS partner? Do you know him?

One of the dudes she met up with. I had never met the dude.

When and how did she tell you about it?

I woke up and she was there. I asked her about it and she fessed up right away.

What exactly did she say? Did she give you the details? Did she use protection?

Have you been tested for STD?

Yes, she used protection. Yes, I got the details. I have not been tested for an STD, but will this Thursday.

I acknowledge the story will push many people to the leave her side of the equation. Looks like everyone was there anyways, but I recognize this just makes it worse.

I'll admit that I really wanted people to tell me that it would be OK, its not that bad, and it would all work out. I can't tell you what I'm going to do. EDIT: I also will admit that I didn't want to spill details as its just humiliating.

Sorry for making the edits.

[This message edited by wocket at 7:24 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

I don't think I've ever recommended this book in JFO before (usually New Beginnings when people are starting to date again) but please read "The Science of Happily Ever After." There have been many studies and much research done about what makes a good relationship (hint: emotionally healthy people are key.)

Latest stats are showing that only approximately 30% of long-term relationships are relatively healthy and happy. Many, many, many couples stay together out of inertia, kids, finances, etc., and lead lives of quiet desperation. Your life does not have to be this way, but if you stay with her, you are all but guaranteed the kind of life I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. You can be in that 30% after you heal, take time to figure things out, and find a good, moral, honest, faithful person. (The above book teaches you how to recognize red flags. Please heed them.)

(I am but one of many examples on this site of people who left their cheater and made a fabulous, better-than-before life for themselves. It is far, far easier if you don't have kids together.)

I'm glad you have called off the wedding. It is far too early to do any sort of couples counseling (and my recommendation is to break things off with her, heal, and find a fabulous lady so I'd say never is the right time for couples counseling) but individual counseling (IC) should help you immensely.

Best of luck to you. I promise that in a few years you can be happier than you ever thought possible. I am now so grateful to my WXH for cheating. I would have still been with him otherwise, and my life would be a shadow of what it has become. I know the same thing can happen with you.

She must know that stupid games have stupid prizes...and she just won one big pile of shyt and what sucks even more is you were part of it....you didn't even have a chose and what she took from you was why worse then what you will be taking from her.

Again consequences suck and now both of you have to deal with her unhealthy choice not to come back that night.

Again she figured you weren't going any were.

So...now she will be pissed #1 she was wrong and #2 she will be exposed for some very bad behavior.

RUN for your life! Someday, you may even thank her for removing her mask before you married her.

Count your lucky stars.

I hope you meet the greatest woman in the world soon, find REAL love with someone who isn't a monster.

(((HUGS))) Keep posting and reading here. It helps to know you aren't alone

Cut your losses now.

Do you really want to be married to someone that you'll always know doesn't love you as much as you do her? Been there, done that. I was in exactly your position. She cheated while engaged. Also (supposed) drunk. But she had left everything behind. Threw all her eggs into my basket. I married her anyways. And I always knew that she didn't value me as much as I did her. And then she cheated again.

I was an idiot.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:30 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

Wocket,

We all know how hard it will be to end your relationship with her.

Just know this. You are still in the "I can't believe this has happened" stage. We've all been there. Emotionally speaking, you still have several more stages to go through.

The people here have wisdom about what you are going through. Knowledge+experience=wisdom.

Listen to what they are saying, and go forth into your life. Do great things. Find a faithful woman. Have the most amazing kids the world has ever seen. Cure cancer, if that is your thing.

In 50 years, when you are sitting with your loving wife, looking back over your life together, this will be but a distant memory.

Be strong, brother.

Does she know the wedding off?

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. I can feel your sadness. I know you planned for your life to be one way.

Please trust me when I say this will always be an undercurrent in your life.

I know you love her and I know you want to say vows with her. Close your eyes. Envision her saying her vows. Can she mean them? No. She can’t. She doesn’t have integrity.

Her friends know! How will you feel committing your life to her?

There is a reason we say leave when no kids and no life time together. The reason...there are better people on this planet than a cheater.

Wocket, I'm just going to say this, then I need to turn in. I'm in the middle of a rigorous training evolution this week.

I wish my stbxw had flown her flag five months before we got married. I invested almost a decade and a half in her before she showed me who she is. This woman who had sex with another man a few nights ago has given you the gift of clarity. Whether or not you accept it for what it is, or whether you allow the high hopes for a future with her to cause you to accept her infidelity, just remember this: When someone shows you who they are by their actions, believe them. I wish you the best sir, and that you not find yourself where I am further along in your life.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 7:35 PM, May 7th (Monday)]