SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At the very least, postpone the wedding. At five months post d-day, most betrayed partners are still reeling from the discovery and not in any state to be making a major life decision. But I can't disagree with calling it off entirely. She has proven she is not trustworthy at this stage in her life. She has some work to do. If, in a year or two, she has sought help and is working on her boundaries, maybe then you can reconsider.

This is very good advice. I personally have put off even buying a new car right now, because my whole life is uncertain and who knows if I will need those $ for a divorce attorney.

Selfishly, I wish I was in your position because it seems so much easier than 20 years later with four kids. But it seems no matter a person's circumstances the situation is muddy, even if clear to others. But I concur with the general advice to at least postpone the wedding. I personally would call it off, but that's for you to decide with time.

I remember the beginning of my relationship with my WH. No matter what, there was never anything that could have gotten me to even consider cheating. Never.

20 years later, with the stress of a disabled child, death of parents, horrible financial stress, and I never have had sex with another. He has. It is only our history that keeps me here today.

If you can not make it faithfully during 'honeymoon' or engagement years, why would you even think you can make it through the real shit? Through real life, when the endorphins dissipate? Through death, heartbreak.

She has no boundaries now, why would she developegmail them?

Run.

I don't want to contribute more to your already considerable pain, and I'm not sure if another poster has brought up the following possibility...

Perhaps the ONS and her immediate confession were deliberate and calculated. She may have simply wanted to avoid the impending marriage. She may have knowingly opted for the most destructive and irreversible means of attaining her goal. If so, her dishonesty and lack of character are magnified far beyond what you are perceiving... even now.

I'll bet $100 she is using the word "mistake" -- as in, "Baby, don't end us over one mistake." This is straight out of the cheater handbook: minimize, minimize, minimize.

A mistake is when you mean to do a volitional act, but do it incorrectly. Such as write a check for $41 rather than $14. Or send a mother's day card to your mother but forget to put a stamp on the envelope.

You don't fuck another man by mistake. "Whoops, I was just having a beer with an old friend and, I must have slipped, because next thing you know this guy's dick was inside me." That was not a mistake. It was a calculated decision by her that, at that moment, the sex she wanted to have with the other dude was worth more to her than your love was.

Be ready, because the next thing she will do is blame-shift. It might be in reaction to you calling off or postponing the wedding. She will go off, vilifying you for blowing up the whole wedding over one little drunken mistake. She will try to make you feel like an asshole. She will tell you to stop dwelling on the past and get over it because you have such an incredible future ahead of you. She will make you out to be the bad guy.

Guess what. She killed your relationship when she decided that sex with another man was more important than you. You will never be able to go back to that sweet spot you were in a few days ago. That spot has burned to the ground.

the engagement is the test drive of many years and responsibility to come .

sorry to say but she failed as this will stalk your mind for the rest of your life.

Save your self the mind torment of stress and wondering will it happen again

also the part where you were on a night out ,she left and went to meet some friend ,met a guy and had sex with him in that time ,hes either very smooth,or shes very easy but it sounds like a planned meeting id check if she has been with him before either way not wife material yet

[This message edited by bobdobalina at 9:36 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

Everyone on here has felt what you are going through. Man it sucks.

What people are saying is you have a very strong indicator that your marriage will not work.

When infidelity happens it often is the early years that couples use to stay together. It takes 2 to 5 years to recover from this, if ever.

You say that staying is the oath of least resistance, I can assure you that is not the case.

Staying will be the hardest thing you will ever do.

Your relationship will never be the same. She will never be the same. You will never be the same.?

She did not cheat because she was drunk. Drinking dies not make you do something you're adverse to.

She was attracted to this guy and she wanted to do this.

Gotta echo other sentiments.

My WH has drunken ONS with prostitute while engaged.

In Jan I learned he’s had a 9-yr LTA

Knowing what I know now, If I had to do it over.... would have called it quits the day I found out.

Get out while you can.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 9:58 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

By the way, how drunk was she when you saw her that morning at 4:30 and she told you about the ONS? If she was really plastered the night before, she would still be completely drunk at 4:30 a.m.

Wocket, I am so sorry for the pain you are in. It's just awful. I have a few thoughts but someone may have stated them already.

I know she is probably telling you how sorry she is but her actions, over time, will tell you if she's truly remorseful or not. Since she has boundary issues when she drinks then I'd ask her if she's willing to give up alcohol for the rest of her life. Is alcohol more important than you? You'll find out over time. I asked my ex to give up alcohol when he wasn't around me (because he said it was a contributing factor when he cheated with six different women). He initially said yes then hesitated and said "weeeellll....I'm mean, maybe for a few months." He was still trying to call all the shots. Ultimately, he would not give up drinking.

The friends she was with are not friends of the marriage. She has to say goodbye to them for good. If she can't/won't, then she's choosing them over you.

I don't want to tell you to stay or leave but I will say this: there are SO many lines you have to cross in order for a penis to enter a vagina. Someone in a committed relationship that just bought a house with her fiancé should have had a "WTF moment" at ANY of the hundred lines you have to cross to get to that point...drunk or not. She did not. I have never been drunk enough to lose my integrity....never!...and I've been pretty drunk! You either have it or you don't.

If you eventually decide to marry her then I'd definitely get a pre-nup.

My thoughts are with you!

[This message edited by HopeFloats2272 at 10:28 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

She was sober enough to know that protection was used. Go figure.

I’m sorry you’re here. You’re luckier than most of us because you found out before getting married. I know it doesn’t seem like it but it’s true. We’d many of us trade places with you and be so lucky to get hosed BEFORE getting married.

In time you’ll see this is right. Move on and find a woman worthy of you. Don’t be us.

Kamstel,

-You have a pm-

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

A brief summary of my story: my WH began an affair two months prior to our wedding and i did not find out until months into the marriage.

I'm trying for R now ONLY because we said our vows and i had always believed in marriage as something that i would fight to the death for. that being said, upon discovering that my husband had been unfaithful during our engagement, my first words were that it is unfortunate that i am married to him and that if i werent, he'd be history.

It's always easier to speak from the outside looking in though. if i were 5 months out from the engagement.. would i really have called it off by then? It's too hard to know for sure but i can say, it would have been much easier to have called it off then rather than face our potential divorce now.

Give yourself some space from her and some SERIOUS time to reflect and think and seek advice.

Best of luck to you.

Calling it off is good to give you time to figure out life. You have so much to process, and she has a lot of growing up to do. It's good you found out before the wedding. That piece of paper definitely makes it harder to leave (legally, financially, etc) than before the vows are taken.

Run.

Someone said:

However, that doesn’t lessen the love you two shared, the relationship you’ve built

Yeah - but yes it does. It destroys the relationship he thought he built. She threw it all away for some strange dick and proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is the kind of woman who will cheat on her SO. There's nothing romantic about mental images of your fiance blowing another man...

Dude - please listen to all of the betrayed husbands on here when we tell you how lucky you are to find out now. Once you get through this, and you will, you will see that this is indeed a gift. You'll have learned a great lesson and dodged a nasty bullet. The sooner you walk away and end all contact the sooner you will begin to heal.

Dude just end it. She wasn't that totally wasted as she ensured he wore a condom or remembered that he did so she was lucid enough to know wrong from right and she said fuck it i'm getting some strange & fuck my engagement & fiancée. Not someone you need or want in your life. Sorry man.

Sending strength

If you marry her this will eat away at your relationship for years. Did she fancy him prior to the meet up? Did she think that something might happen before the meet up? Did she fantasise about something happening with this guy? Did he flirt alot with him? Does she flirt alot with other guys while you are not there? Etc etc etc.

She has opened pandora’s box. In my opinion it is just not worth staying in this relationship. Save yourself years of mistrust and paranoia.

She will learn from this. She will learn not to tell her partner that she cheated.

[This message edited by Smillie at 2:57 AM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

wocket,

Have you already started your own IC?

Right now you are in shock - go to therapy, work out, try to sleep.

And yeah, pretty much what everyone has said. At least postpone the wedding a year or two. You both own a house, something that can go on the market again.

Has she even admitted to her fault, besides blaming beingdrunk? Or is drinking a problem as well?

Wocket, I'm sorry you are here.

You have no idea how badly I want to tell you to just go with it because it's easier.

For one thing, it's only been a couple of days since she fessed up.

Showing true remorse can take months or even years.

What is she doing to show "remorse"?

I put that in parenthesis because I truly doubt at this early stage that she even knows what real remorse is.

It usually takes 2 to 5 years, from what I've been told, to even begin to feel like you've started healing.

Is that what you have to invest?

Is she willing to go through the pure hell that she will need to go through to make it right?

Listen, other than calling off the wedding, you don't have to make any major life changing decisions at this time.

What you must do though, is take care of yourself. Stay away from the alcohol. Eat, even though you can barely stomach it. Exercise, it truly helps. Drink plenty of water (tears can dehydrate you quickly).

One thing you have going for you is the fact that she fessed up right away. That may not be enough though. The engagement phase is a test and she failed it with flying colors.

You ask about work. Does your job offer any kind of employee assistance program? Speak with your HR if you have one. Tell your supervisor what's happening. I took some time in getting back to work. I work around a lot of machines and moving parts and if your heads not in the game, you can lose it. I also did a lot crying in the bathroom. I'm not proud of it, but I don't really care either. I'm a badass 2nd degree black belt that was turned into a pile of mush after DDay.

We all understand your pain, but you have a real chance at getting out of this.

She's shown her true colors as LtCmdrLost stated. It's your choice to take her at her word or not.

Much love.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 3:07 AM, May 8th (Tuesday)]