SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Way to go devastated. Exposure is a necessary evil even when it's embarrassing. I should know; I was where you are now.

I'd check with the lawyer on whether her quitting her job will affect your case. Of course, if you move to D then there's no point in her leaving her job.

"I don’t want to become paranoid over something I can’t control."

I didn't either. That's part of the reason I divorced.

A few things that have not come up that might need your consideration now or in the future:

I know you mentioned that you were in the USA. I also know that you mentioned the POSOM was Latino and covered in tattoos. Is there a possible gang affiliation? MS-13 or some other latin gang? These people are irrationally violent and dangerous. Be careful when reaching out to him and his GF. You need to enlist a professional to provide background info to know who you are dealing with.

Are there pictures and videos of their f.ck sessions in existence? This is a very common “trophy” that players like the POSOM you’ve described maintain for their library of conquests. Your wife may have examples on her electronic devices. He has probably shared them with others on the internet or monetarized them on porn sites.

Lastly, get angry and use it. You need to obliterate her personal and professional world. She only looks like your wife. She’s not your wife. Unprotected sex with a player!!! She brought him home inside of her. She kissed your children with the same mouth that minutes before he had just ejaculated into. Anyone he had sex with recently was there in his ejaculate. No pretense of precautions. Just lust and self- centered whoring. I know she said she deserved what she got after her parents reached out to her.

But, her parents only expressed profound disappointment and sadness modulated with parental concern for their “poor “ daughter. That is soft consequence. They will never spurn her as others given the same exposure will. You need to make her pay for her sense of entitlement that led to a situation where there was safety with you and the family and unbridled lust with POSOM.

You have no reason to be humiliated. She declared war on the family with the infidelity.

I don’t think this guy is a gang member, just a loser. I highly doubt a gang member would take a job at a professional company. My wife’s company is well known and I’m sure they have a thorough vetting/background check process before hiring.

I don’t know if any videos exist. I will ask, hoping the answer is no.

I am pretty sure there will be videos. I bet he is a selfie addict. If you are having trust issues you can book a polygraph test.

Yep, the sleaze ball probably took videos for viewing with his friends while guzzling beer.

The second you decide you want to try a reconciliation her job needs to go

I feel like you are getting a lot of advice that’s geared towards revenge rather than result.

Honestly, I don’t see any benefit for divested in making such self-assured comments about there being videos out there. It’s certainly something he needs to address, but if his wife tells him there are none then that’s all he can go on. If there is a chance of OM having taken pics or videos then Mrs. Devastated should talk to an attorney and get a formal notification to OM on her lack of consent and revenge-porn laws in NY.

What’s your end-game? What is it you are aiming for?

You say you aren’t clear on if you want to reconcile or divorce, but frankly the two end-goals might require totally different approaches to your situation.

I would think your first step would be to get assurances that the affair is over. Her word is worthless. What assurances can she offer that would indicate the affair is over?

How did she tell OM the affair is over?

Phone? Letter? Simply ignore him?

Has a NC letter been sent?

Does her employer have a non-fraternization policy? Is the OM her direct subordinate? Could she have any impact on his job?

Would her job be impacted if the affair was brought to her manager’s attention?

How specific is her job? Could she get another job quickly?

It’s a given that she and OM can’t work at the same place of employment. There are dozens of people here on SI dealing with that and it’s extremely rare to find anyone happy with it. It’s not a question of them taking the affair underground. They could work in different cities but still be having an affair. It’s more a question on how YOU can cope with it. The proximity and the constant opportunity will prevent YOU from being able to reconcile.

Get STD testing done. She needs to get it done too if she wants any opening for R.

The exposure to her family is good, but think hard on why you did it. If it was purely revenge then fine, but don’t expect any benefit from it. If, however you end exposure with something like “I’m sharing this in the hope that you can positively impact my wife” then there is a reason other than punishment for exposure.

When thinking whom to expose to then also think what impact the person can have on your marriage or your future. Like if you intend to divorce then don’t expose to her boss. If you hope to reconcile then – depending on the work situation – the boss would be on my list.

Friend – I get your feelings of humiliation. All I can tell you is that they cheat despite us – not because of us. Not excusing your wife in any way, but it does sound like he’s a predator and they seem to suck in vulnerable women with ease. Chances he’s moved on from her but then – he’s not really the issue. It’s your wife that is the issue.

What has she done to work on why she had an affair?

Some women fall for bad boys. Your WW was into him specifically because he is the opposite of you.

Assume that she enjoyed the sex. She would not have kept going back to him if she didn't. So don't go there...just don't. Save yourself the pain.

Hi

I'm just going to dive right in here and say, it's not about you. It has nothing to do with you, you should not carry the burden of being humiliated.

This is all on her.

She says she got caught up in the attention he paid her. It started as “hello” when he was on her floor collecting packages, which turned into small talk about their weekends on Monday mornings, to regularly walking to the subway together at the end of the day. He was constantly telling her that he respects her ability to climb the corporate ladder, that she’s really smart and funny, and he admires her ability to juggle work and kids. She ate it all up. He asked her to get a drink after work six months ago and she agreed, telling me that she and her team had to work late to finish a presentation. They hugged and kissed after the drink. The next week, he invited her to his apartment for a drink since his girlfriend and kids were away. They had sex, unprotected. After that, they started meeting once a week after work at an hourly motel to have sex, never using protection.

^^^^

This

That is the romanticized version, I swear this is the plot line of some cheesy made for TV movie with your WS as the leading lady.

Until she digs and owns the real reason she had an affair you owe her nothing.

Work on you. Work on being healthy for your kids.

MidnightRun - I think he is referring to the possibility of security videos at the work place.

Not uncommon in large companies.

D12 - I did not see where you are being tested for STDs. That should be started immediately. Some STDs require monthly tests for up to 6 months to be detected. Sorry to say those are the most dangerous types. Include a HPV panel. While not immediately detectable, this can cause cancer in men and women 5-10 years out.

Regardless of what she does or does not do from this point on....can you live with her given what she has already done?

Is being with a cheater acceptable to you? Can you tolerate it? Can you stay in a marriage that will now be an continuous exercise in “recovering” and “rebuilding” for the foreseeable future?

These are fundamental questions that need answers before proceeding.

I would suggest you get some distance from your WW. Both physical and mental. Figure out what YOU want. She got what she wanted. It’s your turn in the batting cage.

has she written out a timeline of the A?

is this her only A?

tell her that she takes a poly on her timeline.

when is her std test?

Devastated...sorry you found yourself here, but you are among friends. We all understand too well the pain you’re going through.

You’ve gotten plenty of good advice, so I won’t repeat it.

What I can tell you is my ex wife also got involved with a married, low-life guy from the gym. She had even admitted his accent was so heavy that she couldn’t even understand him a lot of the time. They became gym parking lot screw buddies.

What I can advise is don’t spend too much time trying to reach out to this guy. Make sure their contact has ended, then forget about him and focus on your recovery whether it’s with or without reconciliation.

I let the OM get into my head too much. First I put a letter on his windshield at the gym, threatening to tell his wife what he did if he ever contacted my wife again. Then when I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I drove to the gym parking lot several times a week for about a month circling in my car like a shark hoping to find him. Thankfully I never saw him there again as I’m sure it would have only made things worse.

Finally, after a failed six month reconciliation, and a subsequent divorce (her choice not mine) I found myself in an apartment on the first weekend without my kids. I was seething with anger that this OM still had his family and I was missing mine terribly. I decided to find where he lived so I could confront him. I spent 15-20 minutes telling him in colorful detail what kind of a horrible human being I thought he was. He denied the entire affair, said he only talked to my wife at the gym, and that he doesn’t know why some women make up crazy stories.

My point being, the OM will never be a part of your healing and will never satisfy any of your needs for moving forward past this rotten experience. So if you ever feel like you can’t get that person out of your head, find something constructive to do that focuses on your wellbeing, and affirms you for the faithful, moral person you are.

Stay strong, and reach out to the group as often as you need to. You’ll be in my prayers.

Her choice of an affair partner has me completely baffled and disgusted.

I haven't told my family yet, I'm too embarrassed. I feel very inadequate and inferior.

devastated12

Your story has similarities to mine in that My EX's AP was in no way appropriate as a serious long term partner.

Waitedwaytoolong

Don’t be embarrassed. Part of what made the OM so desirable to your wife was his total inappropriateness. You wife would have been embarrassed to go on a date with him in public.

She got off on being a bad girl. I bet she has always been a “good girl.” i.e. had her homework done on time in school, etc. You wife was slumming and got off on it. In a way you could look at it as a type of fetish.

Again it wasn’t a competition that the OM won. It’s the fact that he’s a pig that got her off. You're the marriage material nice guy that you take home to your parents. Just like in waitedwaytoolong's case the OM was the guy that allowed your wife to take her inner slut out.

Even if you ultimately want to stay married I would do the following. Tell your wife that you don’t want to stand in the way of her happiness. Tell her that you will set her free so she can be with the OM.

[This message edited by Michigan at 7:10 AM, May 25th (Friday)]

Michigan might have some good points so the fact remains....how is she going to affair proof the marriage in the future and what is she going to do to fix her unhealthy thinking?

For what it's worth, it was a positive reaction your old lady had with the exposure. At least she is owning her bull shyt and not deflecting, blameshifting, or pissed of.(it looks like you gained some respect from her)

Is your old lady looking for another job?

Does the OM know his job is in danger if you report this to HR? Does the OM's wife/GF know her financial security could be taken if you report this? Does OM's girl friend know you can take him to court for alienation of affection...a suing her boyfriend/the father of her kids could also take away her financial security?

At the end of the day it is a very bad idea that they still work together! One way or another that has to change if you want to keep your old lady.

Have you talked to a lawyer about were you stand in a D? You need to know your options!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 10:58 AM, May 26th (Saturday)]

Devastated is everything okay?

"I don’t know if any videos exist. I will ask, hoping the answer is no."

On another topic, I find it amazing that so many WS's who previously rail against taking photos and videos with their clothes off, seem more than happy to record their sex escapades with their cheating partners.

I’m embarrassed and humiliated for both of us.

Her infidelity is not your humiliation to bear.

Leave the embarrassment to her and her alone.

If you have been faithful to her then you have nothing to be humiliated about.

You can't control the decisions and actions of another.

You have received much good advice.

Now, it's your decision as to what you can honestly live with.

It didn’t end, she’s been fucking him since I caught them the first time. He sent me a video. I’m done.

I'm sorry to hear the news, but not surprised. Sending out waves of strength for you, brother.

It was actually decent of him, in a twisted way, to send you that video. We don't know his motive, but he created more truth than your WW has.