SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am sorry you are here, I can feel the pain in your post.

Please understand that her affair has nothing to do with you. She had an affair because she wanted the attention, how he made her feel.

This is a classical type of affair in the work place, well explained in the book-Not just friends by Shirley Glass.

Another thing to understand is that your WS is not remorseful, but feels regret at being caught. Remorse comes much later, when she fully understands why she did it,how she hurt you and how she can help you heal from what she did to you.

If she was remorseful, she would not be looking for jobs, she would resign on the spot as a remorseful person would understand that for you to heal she must cut all contact with him.

Call his girlfriend and give her irrefutable evidence of the affair.

Make an appointment to see your doctor for STD testing and any medication you might need.

Speak to a lawyer to know where you stand should you decide to divorce later on. Remember, you are in shock and no decisions should be made now, however, knowledge is power and it might put your mind at rest.

Does your wife have parents or siblings you can expose the affair too?

And finally, if you decide to work on the marriage, your wife needs therapy....Be warned, it will take years to heal from such traumatic experience as infidelity.

She put your life at risk for some douche she hardly knows. You need to think about that.

IF you want to "consider" R, you should make sure that your wife earns that consideration before you decide. That take weeks or months to determine and you shouldn't commit to anything until you're satisfied with her efforts.

She earns it be demonstrating remorse and accepting consequences. Starting with:

- She doesn't just look for another job, she quits immediately.

- Put her out of your bedroom and don't have sex with her again until you've made a decision to R.

- She takes an STD test

- She accepts exposure to your family, her family, and the AP's girlfriend.

- She becomes completely transparent with all her devices and accounts for her time away from you.

- She writes you out a timeline of the A and sends a no contact letter to the AP that you read and approve.

- She accepts new marital boundaries - no GNO's, no opposite sex friends

- She is willing to discuss the details of the A with you at any time for as long as you need.

- And with every look, word, and action she demonstrates genuine remorse. You'll know it when you see it.

If she accepts all these consequences, you have a starting point to consider R.

Good luck.

[This message edited by badmemory at 9:09 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]

Sorry to hear about your situation devastated.

Your wife needs consequences otherwise she's going to think that it's okay and she'll end up doing it again. You need to tell the personnel office at her work. You need to tell any other betrayed players, i.e. his GF. You need to confide in family and friends. As another poster noted, secrecy will ensure that her behavior continues and secrecy will make you out to be the bad guy if you have an outburst or D her.

Your feelings of inferiority and embarrassment are normal and many betrayed spouses find that they can't continue with the cheater. There's no shame in doing what's best for you regardless of children or other factors. Read in the Healing Library about the 180 and implement it for your own sanity for now. Then make a plan and implement it. Remove her name from your home and bank accounts. Legally separate your stuff from her stuff. She's shown that she has no good judgement, protect yourself and your and your kid's futures.

I reached out to the other man’s girlfriend through Facebook. It was not a productive exchange at all. I’m dealing with very low class/trashy people. She knows he’s cheating, my wife is one of many he’s had affairs with over the years. She looks the other way because she needs him financially. She’s a desperate woman with no self-respect.

I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for Friday and I’m trying to find a good lawyer.

Your description of POSOM's girlfriend is not at all surprising given the POSOM himself. STD testing for sure, and of course demand that your WW get tested. Then do not touch her vajajay with anybody's 10 foot pole.

I’m dealing with very low class/trashy people.

Include your wife in that assessment as well.

The one thing that haunts me about your OP is that, so often here on JFO, the initial discovery and confrontation ends up being just the tip of the iceberg. If you decide you are moving straight to D, this might not be something you desire to do, but in some way it feels like there could be more to this than just randomly deciding to bone the trashy mailroom hunk for jollies, then cutting it off without a second thought the moment BH finds out.

My wife has a director-level position at her company and decided to cheat with a man who works in the mailroom preparing boxes for delivery.

Definitely get with an attorney ASAP. This screams of workplace abuse of authority for sexual favors and your WW is a major liability for her employer. She will likely get canned if this is revealed with HR.

She knows he’s cheating, my wife is one of many he’s had affairs with over the years. She looks the other way because she needs him financially. She’s a desperate woman with no self-respect.

Maybe your attorney can look up this OM's record, even see if he has been involved with other cases where he filed for sexual harassment and have gotten settlements. Him getting work in mail rooms and hitting on female execs may be his game. Who knows.

Keep in mind, if OM has access to his GF's Facebook, it may not have been her. Hard to say.

You haven't said what kind of consequences your WW has had to face for this. Is she willing to change jobs to be away from OM? If not, how do you know she has ended the A? Do you pick her up from work? How do you know they are meeting in a storage closet during the day? Also, as long as she works there, this guy can hold this over HER head. She is the superior. This could be a potential harassment claim. At the very least, it would be ugly and look bad on her. No good reason for her to stay.

Dear Devastated,

I know you find it hard to believe that your wife would succumb to such a lowlife without remorse. If she doesn’t suffer any consequences, she will do it again. I believe she enjoyed her tryst and would have continued it if not being caught. You have some major decisions to make!!!

1.) You and your wife should be tested for STDs.

2.) You shouldn’t protect her and expose her to everyone.

3.) Call the HR Department and expose the affair.

4.) Contact a lawyer ASAP.

I’m praying for you, my friend. I know your pain.

Best, Bigheart

Also, give your wife the completed content of the conversation between you and the affair partner girlfriend. Let her know how many whores he has screwed over the past years (as per his girlfriend). Let her know that she is one of those whores.

At the risk of being redundant, but just to reinforce... they affair down. Don't try to make rhyme or reason.

Fortunately, WW "only" had a 6 week long distance EA that got shut down before it went any further. There was immediate remorse and we are trying to R.

My net worth is 100x his, and I made more this year than he will in his entire lifetime. He's a gym rat, though I'm no slouch myself. I'll grant that most women will find him better looking than me... but WW knew what she was marrying.

She hasn’t had any real consequences yet. I’m going to tell her parents and sister tonight when I get home from work. I’m going to demand she quit her job with no notice if she’s serious about saving our marriage. Reading through these threads, if someone wants to cheat, they’ll find a way. I’m not sure how much tracking her whereabouts will achieve. I can track her phone, but she can easily leave her phone at home. There’s no way to track iMessages. I don’t want to become paranoid over something I can’t control.

Your WW sounds like a selfish cake-eater to me. She has you for the sake of appearances and creature comforts, and the POSOM for getting her vadge plowed by a hard-bodied, bad boy. They share nothing in common except a desire to bone one another, how sweet! She had the best of both worlds unless you found out, and dammit you did! I imagine she regrets you finding out greatly, because it sounds like she has a lot to lose. It would be a good idea for you to make it very clear to her what she stands to lose based on her shitty choices. Go see a lawyer and find out what a D might look like. No need to be terribly subtle about it either (tabs left open in a browser, information left around the house, etc). You don’t have to file, but it might help inform your decision and snap her back to reality.

devastated12: I know that there is no (easy) way to track imessages, but that's not the point. If your WW were truly remorseful, she would understand your pain and WILLINGLY make all this information available to you.

On an iPhone, one can simply choose to use standard messaging instead of imessage. Then there would at least be an audit trail of who she is messaging on the phone bill. And she should willingly give you her passcode anyway.

She should allow you to install parental control software on your phone because she's sorry.

If she doesn't do this, then she has no empathy, and is unworthy of marriage.

Hold off on getting her employer involved. You don't want her fired if you decide on divorce. The more money she makes, the less you have to pay her. Definitely consult with an attorney first before talking about her quitting or notifying HR.

I would not make any quick decisions about her resigning until you definitely decide if you want to stay married or not.

Staying for the kids when all you feel from your wife is betrayal, deception, and disrespected is not a good idea.

Kids do much better in a two home family than they do in the same house with bad feeling between parents.

How much you tell the kids about what is going to happen depends on how old they are.

Try to calm down a little. It's hard I know, but you will feel better for your decisions.

For some guys (me included) a wife's sexual affair is the end of the marriage pure and simple. I could not imagine touching my wife again sexually because that immediately conjured images of the two of them together.

"She hasn’t had any real consequences yet."

You got that right.

Her choice of an affair partner has me completely baffled and disgusted. My wife has a director-level position at her company and decided to cheat with a man who works in the mailroom preparing boxes for delivery.

Maybe it's a good thing, If she cheated with a peer it may have been more serious. They might've planned to runnoft together.

But with a person lower in the company she most likely is just looking for some strange dick, some excitement and a power trip with a bad-boy. Doubtful her first rodeo, you might want to find out how many other workplace A she's had if you choose R.