SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not sure how much tracking her whereabouts will achieve. I can track her phone, but she can easily leave her phone at home. There’s no way to track iMessages. I don’t want to become paranoid over something I can’t control.

At this point, continuing to track her is not as important as her agreeing to be completely transparent. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't check from time to time. And when you do, she better be fine with it.

I told her parents, to say they're horrified is a massive understatement. Her father kept saying over and over that he didn't believe me. Her mother started crying. They called my wife after we hung up, and then she called me after speaking to them. She wasn't angry or upset, just said she deserves everything that happens now. I told her to tell her sister, otherwise I will tell her later tonight. I haven't told my family yet, I'm too embarrassed. I feel very inadequate and inferior.

I'm not going to ask her to quit her job. Everyone brings up a good point, she needs to be employed if we do get divorced.

I messaged the other man on Facebook, he hasn't responded yet. I doubt he's going to tell me the truth, but I want to verify his version of the affair to my wife's.

She didn’t try to deny it and is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage and family

Too bad she didn't feel this way BEFORE she started fucking this dude. If she really is willing to do anything to save your marriage ask her to un-fuck him. That might show her just how worthless her new-found devotion actually is when it comes to your personal healing and fixing your marriage.

In case you’re wondering, he and your wife have already and will continue to corroborate stories.

I started reading Perel's book "The State of Affairs" after watching her TED talk on infidelity, because parts of the talk really spoke to me about why my husband did what he did. She talks in particular about a certain kind of affair where people philander with people completely alien to what you would guess. Usually it's people who have done the right thing there whole life and now to a temptation/need to finally break the rules. She specifically mentions a woman who is highly educated and has an affair with her tattoed landscaper, which is what made me think of it. Even if you don't want to read the book (controversial on this site), the 20 min TED talk might be helpful. It helped me.

Good job exposing to her family. She needs to deal with the consequences of her A. Make sure to expose to the OBS or gf. Keep up the 180 and be vigilant. Take care of your self. You are very early in this shitstorm. It will take time to process the emotions. There is no need to make any rash decisions. You are in control. You will decide in time whether you want to R or D. Observe your WW’s actions. If she is able to demonstrate consistent remorse and empathy for the pain she has caused you over an extended period you will know if she is a candidate for R. If she is continually defensive and wants you to move past this to quickly this is rugsweep ing and will lead to problems down the way. Work your way thru the emotions head on. In time you will know what is right for you. The most important thing is to know your self worth. The only person you have to please is yourself. Not your WW. Not anyone on this board. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Just yourself. Good luck.

Sorry you're here. There is a lot of good advice to be found on this site. It gets better. (then it gets worse, then better, then worse... but it does get better!)

Kick her out.

Send her to her sister's or parents' house for a couple of weeks, telling her you need to clear your head.

File, even if you don't follow through.

Demand that she get tested for disease.

Poly. It may not have been her first rodeo.

She must face serious consequences even before you decide to R or D.

Sometimes, a person realizes they don't like their lives, and instead of accepting that and trying to improve themselves, they blame their spouse or kids or family and latch onto other people who embodies what they want to be.

This guy is dangerous, daring, young ... if she feels old and boring, hanging out with him is a fast and EASY way to change that. And, in her mind, who are you to complain since marrying you and living with you all these years lead her to a place where she feels bad about herself?

Of course, rational people realize that someone else can't make you one thing or another. If she is unhappy with her life, she has only herself to thank. If she wanted to be more daring and exciting and youthful, she could have managed to do that with you at her side, but it would have taken more work.

You'll be able to get her to agree to any of those things she's already told herself she'll have to do in order to save her safe, comfortable lifestyle. When you start asking her to do the things she didn't bargain for, you will see her claws come out. She'll get angry and start insulting you, blaming you, attacking you. If you waste time trying to fix or disprove these things, more excuses will pop up in their place.

I wholeheartedly agree that you should throw her out and tell her you're filing for divorce. Prepare for a fight. Keep a voice-activated recorder on you. Keep a journal. Go to the doctor and get a complete work up. Talk to a lawyer. Give her the papers. Make her work for your marriage.

And remember, she slept with this guy because he's the type of person she's identifying with right now. Don't expect her to act like herself. Expect her to act like him.

Good luck.

Great job telling her parents

But don’t stop there, tell the world. You did nothing wrong or anything to he ashamed of, SHE is the one that should be ashamed.

If you are on Facebook l, simply change your status to “it’s complicated” When the first person asks what is going on, respond that she has been sleeping with a uneducated, unmarried father of two, thug that is 8 years younger than her.

You NEED to do it. It is not about revenge, it is about rallying friends and family around you to help YOU heal!

You're getting good advice here, I'll just add two things that I think should be highlighted.

First thing, and this will be painful, get ready for the sexual details to include things you wanted and she said no to for you. They very often do with a WW. Anal, swallowing, facials, sex 5 times a day. All of it, very common in A's, and very commonly denied to the BH. Just be ready for it, might not be true in your case, but it was in mine, and I appreciate others telling me to be ready and expect it, at least I knew it was a possibility (which I never even considered until then).

The next thing is going to be more controversial, but, he's the man, and the man is always at fault in the eyes of HR. I'd have my W march into HR, tell them what happened and that she feels sexually harassed and uncomfortable around him. He'll get booted, your wife will probably get a few weeks off and a promotion for her trouble. That's kind of a joke, but also not entirely; the workplace is very sensitive to this stuff now and the man is nearly always at fault in the eyes of HR (and in my eyes, in case anyone cares); even when he is a lower level employee. Have your wife get him transferred or booted, if they are still working together, the A is still in play, the contact has to cease.

I didn't have a good day today so it may show in some of my comments.

Your comment: She doesn't have an answer for why she would cheat with someone like him.

My comment: She did it because she wanted too and she didn't think she would get caught. He was the "bad boy" loser/thug type and she felt superior to him.(A lot of women fantasize about the bad boys) He would do whatever she wanted. She put you, her children, her family, and her job completely out of her mind and basked in the pleasure of her fantasy.

Your comment: I feel inadequate.

My comment: My question is why do you feel inadequate? You have everything in the world over him. You are successful, you're loyal, far better educated, and 100X more attractive to the majority of women than he will ever be. I would be willing to bet you could go out tonight and have your pick of available women. All he has is a bunch of tatoos and a predisposition of luring susceptible women into his bed. Thirty years from now you will be even better and tatoo/bad boy will be in some dive bar crying in his beer and dreaming of years gone by. If there is anyone in this situation that should feel inadequate it's your wife and her tatoo/bad boy. Hold your head up. You have this whole situation by the tail.

Your comment: She says she likes him, but doesn't love him.

My comment: This is true. She doesn't love him. He was a play toy. He did what she wanted, how she wanted and when she wanted. Play toy.

Your comment: She hasn't admitted that she enjoyed the sex.

My comment: Of course she enjoyed it. If she hadn't enjoyed the sex she wouldn't have gone back time after time for more. I can't see anyone voluntarily, and behind the spouse's back, have sex with an AP for six months and not enjoy it. Ask yourself, if you know of anyone that would sneak and lie and have sex with someone of the opposite sex and continued to do so for six months, and say "I didn't enjoy it". I would suggest that you don't ask specific questions what they did together because it will be pain shopping and something you will never forget. I once gave someone this same suggestion and told him that I got shot in a firefight early one morning. I didn't need to know how tall the shooter was; nor how much he weighted; whether he was a liar or what other things he had done; or what kind of weapon he used. All I needed to know was that he shot me and it hurt like blazes. All you really need to know is that she cheated and it hurt like blazes.

Your comment: I'm embarrassed and humiliated for both of us.

My comment: You have no reason to be embarrassed or humiliated. All you did was be a loyal husband and a good father. That is something to be proud of. She is the one that should be embarrassed and humiliated. She is the one that exploded a bomb in the middle of her family's life. I am the guy that believes if something can be fixed then you fix it. Take all the time you need to decide what you want. Don't let anyone push you into a quick decision. If you think you can R then try. If it's something you just can't live with then leave. The only solid advice I can give to anyone is to never live with someone who doesn't love you, nor someone you do not love. That will make a miserable life. I do wish you well.

I think you are handing this situation exceptionally well.

Whether you decide to pry her for details or not, it’s good to accept that the real details of the affair could be much more brutal. Many WS’s do not reveal full details of the affair, either out of embarrassment or out of fear of hurting their BS’s. The real affair experience is almost always much more intense than the confessed experience on DDAY.

Just be prepared for the details of her affair to be severely downplayed. Her claim she didn’t enjoy it is bullshit. She definitely enjoyed the sex, probably a lot. The frequency and intensity of their sex life may far more intense than claimed. Also, she may have been more sexually adventurous with her AP, a common trait of most Waywards.

Dear devastated12,

You have done extremely well under such tumultuous circumstances. Exposing her to her family was the first step. I will echo the other posters by saying, “You have done nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel embarrassed. You have done nothing but to be an honest and faithful husband. You should tell your relatives because you don’t want them to hear it first from an outside source. When you speak to them, be proud of who you are and your commitment to your wife and family throughout the years.

I’m curious, have your wife shown any remorse via crying, begging, or asking for forgiveness? Have you asked her to commit to a no-contact email to her affair partner? Would she agree to give you every password to her email, phone, social media and apps accounts?

Best,

Bigheart

I'm not going to ask her to quit her job. Everyone brings up a good point, she needs to be employed if we do get divorced.

Check with an attorney, I’m pretty sure her earning potential has a lot to do with the equation, not just the job.

JMO, work place A’s continue as long as they work together.

In most states, the courts look to earning potential as much as actual earnings. A person can't be intentionally underemployed and avoid monetary obligations for spousal or child support.

Excellent analysis DeWittle, I concur in regards to the potential earnings as part of the equation. Please consult with your attorney.

I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for Friday and I’m trying to find a good lawyer.

Excellent! These are good first steps for taking care of yourself.

I'm glad to hear that you told her parents. When cheaters are left to tell their own families, they often throw a lot of false blame on their spouse ("He always treated me poorly. He cheated on me first. He hardly touches me. He never took any parenting or household responsibility. I just wanted some love from someone who would put me first." )

Don't be surprised if her sister gets colder to you after your wife confesses to her.

[This message edited by Pass at 8:23 AM, May 24th, 2018 (Thursday)]

Your story has similarities to mine in that My EX's AP was in no way appropriate as a serious long term partner. He was the electrician working on our house renovation. Way younger than her, with little kids, and no money. Not someone she would ever leave me for.

This somehow gives them kind of rationalization. It becomes a just a sex type of relationship which to many women isn't as bad as if feelings were involved. I heard this from my EX. " I never loved him, only you. I was never going to leave you. You are the one I want. He didn't mean anything to me" Frankly, this just infuriated me that she would risk everything for basically nothing. It would have been better if she loved the guy.

Also be prepared for what Ride said. These types of relationships that are based purely on sex and with the inappropriate partner gives them permission to become complete sluts. They will get no judgement from these guys so everything is on the table. In my case ride hit all of the marks. Anal, facials, swallowing and he would just get up after he was done and head out. My wife turned into a whore.

She also like yours woke up like a football coach who has a cooler of icewater thrown on their heads in a freezing stadium. She realized the second she was busted how wrong she was. What she underestimated was the damage she did to us. Again, the thought process of it being only sex, combined with our 25 year marriage, lead her to believe we would be ok. Except we weren't.

I could never get out of my head what she did and the way she just whored herself out. I sometimes saw my wife, but too many other times just her in bed submitting to him. It sucked.

I also couldn't get out of my head the injustice. My mistake was not throwing her out of the house and telling my kids and out friends. Instead, I just swallowed it for five years until the resentment built so much that I knew I would never get over it. I pulled the plug on a 30 year old marriage.

Others here got over things even worse. Its just what you can tolerate. If I were you I would put out some serious consequences for her, and just wait to see what she does, but more importantly how you feel. sometimes as in the case of my EX they do everything right, but it still isn't enough.

Go to the gym, and don't drink. Its critical to keep a clear head.

Well done for taking action. Really impressed with your attitude. You will come to realise that this can never be erased. If you choose to reconcile it will be a long road and she will have to leave that job. He is your typical gym rat loser who substitutes a successful career with worshiping his body, just a moron. You shouldn’t feel inadequate in any way. If it makes you feel better you can get into the gym and get ripped too, it is not rocket science.