SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No shame in sussing out the truth with a bluff or two. It’s really the only hand you’ve got if you want to get closer to the truth.

Pls understand - she truly is an amazing person, who loved me so much at one point and I loved her with everything I had.

Sorry man but amazing women don't fuck your friends.

You're in denial here

I'm so sorry for your pain. My take on the situation is admittedly a cynical one. At this point, she is promising you anything and everything. Is she doing so for your sake? For the sake of your marriage and family? I think not. She is terrified of losing the comforts of material prosperity (million dollar home, etc.) and the accompanying social standing. To her, your devastation and the destruction of your family is incidental.

feel like this was massive lapse of judgement over 60 days

You don't get it and are making excuses for her.

She made conscious willing decisions and it required planning/effort.

Sorry man but like a lot you're in serious denial

I need her healthy just like me so we can make these big decisions together.

Nope, you are the one who should be making the decisions.

You are in the betrayed Spode syndrome.

Better wake up to your new reality or you'll wallow in this longer than you need to.

Joel101

Do you have her phone and pin now?

If not, insist on getting it and take her phone.

You need to run a recovery on her text messages. Check out dr fone. Do not tell her ahead of time that you are going to do this.

This must be a requirement for you to even consider R.

I'm not going to knock the need for timelines, etc., but you can save a lot of mental gymnastics by assuming the worst.

Separately, temporarirly parting is a matter of semantics--kick her out, ask her to leave, drop her to the curb, tell her to take a hike, etc.

The bottom line: Get her the fuck out of your space.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:47 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)]

The issues with assuming the worst approach are:

1) it increases the likelihood the BS may become cynical and bitter.

2) It works well if your goal is to divorce and you figure everything except the donkey. It will sustain your anger so that you act.

3) It prevents you from knowing what you are reconciling with.

4) The positive is that the WW then has to prove what they did not do.

5) The other positive is you do not deal with lying

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:16 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)]

I'm not going to knock the need for timelines, etc., but you can save a lot of mental gymnastics by assuming the worst.

It appears Joel101 wants to comprehend the truth. The truth may be worse than his assumptions, or it may be less. How does assuming something, or eveything, help Joel101 arrive at the truth? It doesn’t, does it? It’s a cheap substitute.

Separately, temporarirly parting is a matter of semantics--kick her out, ask her to leave, drop her to the curb, tell her to take a hike, etc.

There is more than a semantic difference between “kicking her out” and asking her to temporarily leave. Kicking her out implies “dropping her to the curb,” without her consent. Asking her to leave, on the other hand, implies she has a choice in the matter.

Now if you use this amazing tool called “Google,”.you can look up the following phrase:

can i kick my spouse out of the house

You’ll see that you cannot kick your spouse out of the house, if their name is on deed title/deed, without a temporary order for exclusive occupancy. Doing so, without this court order, runs the risk of the Joel101 having a domestic violence injunction filed against him in some jurisdictions, such as Florida, if his wife decides to go to court seeking to do so.

As I’m sure you’re beginning to understand, this has to do with the fact if she is an owner of the house, you cannot exclude her access to that house without her consent. Accordingly, there is a substantial difference between kicking her out, and asking her to leave. It’s not semantics.

Much has been said about consequences of the wayward wife or lack there of. I have copied some felt with dramatic shame and guilt by one WW. The consequences impacted her spiritually and emotionally. Her once air of superiority was replaced with a feeling of being unworthy.

Her consequences.

1. She has permanently destroyed the life she had and loved.

2. She has lost that total love and respect of her husband and children.

3. She threw away her marriage.

4. She will always be seen as a woman who cheated, lied, and deceived her husband and family. A woman who was selfish and put herself first and above everyone else.

5. She will know and never forget that she will always be viewed as something less than what she should have been.

6. She will know and feel the hurt of knowing that the man she was suppose to love above all others will never forget what she did to him.

7. She will always look at the man who was her husband and wonder what he is thinking.

8. She will forever live with and die with the hurt in her heart of the unspeakable damage she did to the lives of those she loved and who loved her.

9. Her world is forever changed from the good it was to just the existence it has become.

10. She has been consumed by the infidelity and lack of character she hated most in her XXXX and sexual promiscuity of her XXXX following their divorce.

While they do not compare with the pain and consequences of the BS for her infidelity. Her consequences as a remorseful WW were severe. It required IC and Medical intervention to deal with the shame, guilt, and depression.

Not included are the post nuptial agreement regarding division of assets and return to work by her to make financial amends regarding money spent on the affair and healing process.

She will feel those things only if she has consequences. Otherwise it will be viewed as a mistake.

She figures he will be mad for a while but will get over it. No big deal. Everyone does it. Will not happen again.

He is only as far as he is because OBS is taking control. She has exposed. She has filed.

OP is riding her coat tails.

Please see an attorney. Start standing up for yourself and your family.

Drumstick wrote:

"How does assuming something, or eveything, help Joel101 arrive at the truth?"

The simple truth is that she fucked the shit out of the help.

Have you had her delete all social media. She can’t be trusted. I would load all of her social media on your device. With passwords and log ons.

Joel1111,

Dont forget yo ask about other Affairs with this guy or others Partners.

Also if any friend knew. These are not marriage Friends.

The simple truth is that she fucked the shit out of the help.

Didn’t she already admit to having sex with someone else outside the marriage? Joel1111 appears to want greater detail than just the fact she had sex with someone else. For example, there is the question about the meaning of handjobs in the parking lot. So, if we take your worst case scenario, that she “fucked the shit out of the help,” isn’t your assumption less than the truth?

If you look back a page or two, you can also see a list of questions. It seems to me, he is also interested in things happening in his car, her car, and the home (which you can’t kick her out of). You surely can’t get answers to these questions if you just assume “she fucked the shit out of the help,” can you?

Now, you’re likely to say that I’m missing the point; that it’s the fact that she had sex with someone else is all that matters. I’ll disagree, upfront. In my estimation, that is the only thing that matters to you. However, you’re not Joel111, are you? So, I’d recommend we keep it about what he wants, unless it’s clearly detrimental to his getting out of infidelity.

Joel, as you are thinking about questions to ask, keep this in mind. Questions she is writing out an answer to can seek narrative answers. The poly will generally deal with questions that can only be answered Yes or No. no narratives or lengthy explanations. That is just the way a poly is structured so that the machine can get accurate results.

And many examiners only want 3 to 5 major key Yes /No questions. So be thinking of the top 10 questions that Can be answered just yes or no and have them ready to discuss with the examiner. Questions like: did you have sex more than 2 times with him; did you have any sexual contact with him in our house; did you ever give him a bj; that type of question that is just a yes or a no. And DON’T tell your ww in advance what they are as you don’t want her practicing how to control breathing and heart rate when lying. I hope it produces positive results.

As previously mentioned, message recovery software like Dr Fone might be useful for you. I think your information gathering plan looks quite solid.

Joel,

No advice from me in this post just encouragement. It sounds like you've got a really good approach to this and It speaks well to your chances of surviving this thing however you do get through it.

I was the one who asked you about anger earlier and I'm really glad you are not the rage type. I think it absolutely would not have helped you in this situation (actually I'm hard-pressed to think of many when RAGE does outside of movies based on comic-books). It's just not something I want people to ignore if it's there either because it can build up and explode into rage especially sometimes in those who do not express anger well. Anyway, you seem to have it in check and it sounds like you've got a strong resilience and good head on your shoulders. I know life sucks it pretty hard right now but it'll get better.

Hang in there,

Ok I just want to clarify this tidbit:

The other part I didn't mention was that their M was falling apart and his wife kept calling mine for advice thru the A.

Just so we are clear. She was giving advice to the wife, of the man, she was screwing?

If that is correct, holy crap. That is a whole different level of evil behavior. And I mean evil. Not self absorption, not wanting attention. It is Predation. And that level of victimizing requires a very unique mindset. One where morals and ethics are purely situational.

Just imagine a man giving advice to his friend, "yea Tom maybe you should give her some space and take out the garbage more often." All the while thinking, "Yea while you take out the garbage I will be screwing her six ways to Sunday."

We would have some very choice words to describe that man. None of them positive.

That is not a...

lapse of judgement

That is not the actions of...

an amazing person, who loved me so much...

I know this sucks to face, but to avoid a long and painful limbo, you must come to terms with the reality of who and what she is. Not what you thought she was. Not what you want her to be. Realize that this has been there all along. Maybe she can white-knuckle it most of the time. But as she has shown you, given the opportunity, she is more than capable of victimizing others to get what she wants.

And she is also more than capable of saying all the right things now that she has been exposed.

Yes, it is important to gets as much info and facts as you can. But might I suggest you take a moment to meditate, to examine deeply, on what she has already reveled about her true self.

It’s important to realise that she was not his accomplice, he was hers. The blame lies 100% with her. She betrayed you and your marraige, she acted as a friend to the woman ahe was screwing over, she was asking him to join her in the shower, she was guffawing at his derogatory remarks about you. We are our actions, I firmly believe that.